Source: www.twoofus.org
Marriage typically involves sharing one’s home, money and belongings. But should marriage also include sharing our online selves? That is to say, as a married person, is your online activity strictly private? Or should your spouse have a clear window into your online world?
A recent survey suggests many people think significant others should have this privilege. Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research found that 49% of women surveyed (and 42% of men) think it is fine to keep tabs on a partner by having access to that person’s Facebook account.
Many couples voluntarily share their passwords with each other. Some couples even have joint accounts. But others monitor their spouse’s online interactions without his/her knowledge or permission. This raises a number of questions about privacy, trust and what it means to be married.
Are You Hacking Your Marriage?
Trust
Few people are 100 percent convinced their partner has been—and always will be—faithful. Because of this uncertainty, it can be tempting to keep tabs on your spouse’s online activities. But doing so can backfire. In a healthy marriage, you should feel a reasonable confidence that your partner is not engaged in an affair. If you don’t, it may be because you have been burned in the past … or your partner is giving you good reason to be suspicious.
Transparency
In a healthy relationship, a natural transparency is present. This doesn’t mean you necessarily share every digital detail with each other. It does mean you should have nothing to fear, should your spouse suddenly be granted universal access to your accounts. If your interactions with others could be reasonably “misinterpreted” as flirtatious or inappropriate, they probably are. A good rule of thumb is to never post or email anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.
Truth or Consequence
Many affairs have been discovered via a digital trail—Facebook is quickly becoming a favorite tool of divorce lawyers. No one wants to play the fool … or get played. But if you spy on your partner online, there may be consequences. You could get caught and if you do, your partner is likely to be angry, resentful or defensive. A better approach would be to sit down with your partner and discuss what online transparency might look like. Discuss what information you are (or aren’t) comfortable sharing and how best to navigate the tension between privacy and openness.
Respect Boundaries
Many people balk at anyone—even their spouse—nosing through their online exchanges. It can feel like a violation of privacy, like someone is reading your digital diary. And in some circumstances, there may be legitimate reasons for privacy to be maintained. However, once you and your spouse have decided what information will (or won’t) be shared, honor that agreement. If you are concerned or suspicious about your spouse’s behavior, try talking it out with him or her rather than cyber-stalking.
For many, simply knowing their partner is willing to share his/her online information is enough to calm their fears. Others may need more concrete assurances of online fidelity. Either way, be sure you live by the same standards of online conduct you expect from your spouse. Marriage effectively melds two separate lives, but exactly how far that merger goes is for each couple to determine.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Distracted Partner: Competing with Technology for His/Her Attention
Source: www.twoofus.org
Unless you live in a hand-hewn cabin in the woods, you probably experience a daily, overwhelming lust for technology.
Your fingers flit over the face of your iPhone. Twitter vies for your attention, constantly throwing out new lines. You nuzzle into the familiar embrace of television … only to find your eyes wandering over to the gaming station. And Facebook relentlessly pursues with its promise of virtual voyeurism.
We are tantalized by technology. What’s worse, so are our partners. But when our significant other falls for this same seduction, we often fail to see the charm. Digital advances mean we must compete with an increasing number of technological suitors for our partner’s attention.
How do you get your partner to disconnect from his/her gadgets long enough to connect with you?
Know Your Rivals
Television
We spend about 2.8 hours a day watching TV, roughly half of our leisure time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Many women claim to be “sports widows” for the duration of football, basketball and/or baseball season. And women can just as easily get lost in the tangles of television: dramas, sitcoms, talk shows, soap operas and reality shows.
Gaming
Gaming consumes 10% of our time spent online, according to a survey by Nielsen. Men seem especially vulnerable to this siren song. A study led by Fumiko Hoeft of the Stanford University School of Medicine reveals the portions of the brain associated with reward and addiction are more active in men when playing a simple video game.
Social Media
Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter account for nearly 23 percent of our time spent online, according to Nielsen. Social media combines communication and gadgetry, appealing to both women and men. But women are the most avid users of social media. According to Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research, among women age 18-34:
39% refer to themselves as Facebook “addicts”
34% get on Facebook first thing in the morning (before going to the bathroom or brushing their teeth)
21% check Facebook in the middle of the night
Internet/Email
Some people enjoy being connected electronically as much as they do physically. The effect is similar to playing a slot machine, according to David Greenfield, psychologist and founder of the Center of Internet Behavior. A response such as winning money reinforces and validates your original behavior. You may not win every time, but odds are you’ll eventually get something good. The same goes for checking your email 20 times a day or visiting countless websites. We get a shot of dopamine (a pleasure chemical) too, prompting us to crave more, more.
Cell or Smart Phones
A phone can be the biggest little barrier in your relationship. It’s always there … on dates, on the treadmill, by your bed. The phone is often the most unshakeable form of technology. After all, that incoming text or call could be important. Then again, so is your relationship.
Multitasking
It is especially difficult to witness your partner “cheating” on you with multiple technologies at once. The amount of time spent watching TV while simultaneously surfing the Internet grew 34.5% in 2009. When you indulge in multiple forms of technology at once, the opportunities to connect with your partner are even more remote.
Simply knowing what you are up against isn’t enough … you need to establish peaceful terms with the role of technology in your relationship. Here’s how to break through the digital noise and reconnect with your partner:
Conquer the Digital Divide
Self assess
Before you complain about your partner’s tech fetish, examine your own. Do you spend more time checking your phone or email than speaking with your partner? Do you sulk when your partner asks you to unplug? Are you really upset that your partner is on the laptop again … or just that he/she is monopolizing it?
Set boundaries
You don’t have to retreat to the woods—just shelf your tech toys once and a while. Take a 1-3 day fast from all but essential electronic communications. Encourage your significant other to do the same. Debrief afterward—did you feel panicky, peaceful or a combination of both? As a couple, decide on reasonable boundaries for the use of technology. Are you comfortable putting your phones away, at least on dates and in bed? Can you find a regular time to enjoy a tech-free ritual together (having coffee, taking a walk, enjoying a sit-down meal, etc.).
Use technology to bond
Don’t rely on any form of technology as the primary way to connect with your partner. Still, if you can’t beat them, join them. Text sweet nothings into your partner’s digital ear. Pick up that second controller and play a game or two. Take advantage of technology’s ability to bring people together, not just push them apart.
We all need an escape sometimes … and technology serves legitimate practical and social needs. However, technology cannot—and should not—replace meaningful, focused and face-to-face interactions with your partner.
Unless you live in a hand-hewn cabin in the woods, you probably experience a daily, overwhelming lust for technology.
Your fingers flit over the face of your iPhone. Twitter vies for your attention, constantly throwing out new lines. You nuzzle into the familiar embrace of television … only to find your eyes wandering over to the gaming station. And Facebook relentlessly pursues with its promise of virtual voyeurism.
We are tantalized by technology. What’s worse, so are our partners. But when our significant other falls for this same seduction, we often fail to see the charm. Digital advances mean we must compete with an increasing number of technological suitors for our partner’s attention.
How do you get your partner to disconnect from his/her gadgets long enough to connect with you?
Know Your Rivals
Television
We spend about 2.8 hours a day watching TV, roughly half of our leisure time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Many women claim to be “sports widows” for the duration of football, basketball and/or baseball season. And women can just as easily get lost in the tangles of television: dramas, sitcoms, talk shows, soap operas and reality shows.
Gaming
Gaming consumes 10% of our time spent online, according to a survey by Nielsen. Men seem especially vulnerable to this siren song. A study led by Fumiko Hoeft of the Stanford University School of Medicine reveals the portions of the brain associated with reward and addiction are more active in men when playing a simple video game.
Social Media
Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter account for nearly 23 percent of our time spent online, according to Nielsen. Social media combines communication and gadgetry, appealing to both women and men. But women are the most avid users of social media. According to Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research, among women age 18-34:
39% refer to themselves as Facebook “addicts”
34% get on Facebook first thing in the morning (before going to the bathroom or brushing their teeth)
21% check Facebook in the middle of the night
Internet/Email
Some people enjoy being connected electronically as much as they do physically. The effect is similar to playing a slot machine, according to David Greenfield, psychologist and founder of the Center of Internet Behavior. A response such as winning money reinforces and validates your original behavior. You may not win every time, but odds are you’ll eventually get something good. The same goes for checking your email 20 times a day or visiting countless websites. We get a shot of dopamine (a pleasure chemical) too, prompting us to crave more, more.
Cell or Smart Phones
A phone can be the biggest little barrier in your relationship. It’s always there … on dates, on the treadmill, by your bed. The phone is often the most unshakeable form of technology. After all, that incoming text or call could be important. Then again, so is your relationship.
Multitasking
It is especially difficult to witness your partner “cheating” on you with multiple technologies at once. The amount of time spent watching TV while simultaneously surfing the Internet grew 34.5% in 2009. When you indulge in multiple forms of technology at once, the opportunities to connect with your partner are even more remote.
Simply knowing what you are up against isn’t enough … you need to establish peaceful terms with the role of technology in your relationship. Here’s how to break through the digital noise and reconnect with your partner:
Conquer the Digital Divide
Self assess
Before you complain about your partner’s tech fetish, examine your own. Do you spend more time checking your phone or email than speaking with your partner? Do you sulk when your partner asks you to unplug? Are you really upset that your partner is on the laptop again … or just that he/she is monopolizing it?
Set boundaries
You don’t have to retreat to the woods—just shelf your tech toys once and a while. Take a 1-3 day fast from all but essential electronic communications. Encourage your significant other to do the same. Debrief afterward—did you feel panicky, peaceful or a combination of both? As a couple, decide on reasonable boundaries for the use of technology. Are you comfortable putting your phones away, at least on dates and in bed? Can you find a regular time to enjoy a tech-free ritual together (having coffee, taking a walk, enjoying a sit-down meal, etc.).
Use technology to bond
Don’t rely on any form of technology as the primary way to connect with your partner. Still, if you can’t beat them, join them. Text sweet nothings into your partner’s digital ear. Pick up that second controller and play a game or two. Take advantage of technology’s ability to bring people together, not just push them apart.
We all need an escape sometimes … and technology serves legitimate practical and social needs. However, technology cannot—and should not—replace meaningful, focused and face-to-face interactions with your partner.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Keeping a Marriage Safe from Infidelity
Source: www.twoofus.org
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of the book Not Just Friends, most people do not go looking for an affair. “It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely together, you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable – like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is when a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
Twenty five percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to family researchers, the primary issue is one of intimacy and secrecy. For example, if you have coffee every morning with a woman who is not your wife and your wife doesn’t know about it, you are violating your obligation of intimacy by keeping a secret from her.
Research also finds that only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue another relationship actually end up with that person long-term. In fact, most people who engaged in an affair say they wish it had never happened and that they had invested more time and energy in saving their marriage.
So, what are some good steps to protect your marriage?
Establish clear boundaries. Set boundaries that will keep any relationship established outside of your marriage innocent (such as relationships with people at work, at the gym, at church, etc). If you find yourself hoping to meet someone in secret, you know the emotions have gone too far.
Stay connected to your partner by communicating. Talk to your spouse about everything going on in your life including relationships with other men or women. This level of communication will help you keep and set limits with others.
Keep the romance alive at home. Continue doing little things for your husband or wife that lets him/her know that you are thinking about them. Call during the day just to talk for a few minutes; make time for a weekly date night. Keeping the romance alive at home will help prevent you from seeking out romance with someone else.
Never let someone know that you are attracted to them. Sharing these types of feelings only opens the door for others to share their feelings as well. It is when attraction is mutual that problems can arise.
Stay away from environments where infidelity can flourish. Quiet lunches, drinks after work…these are situations that should be avoided.
Additional advice from the experts:
"Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him (or her) that you appreciate what he does. We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing. And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
- M. Gary Neuman, counselor/author, The Truth About Cheating
"First, your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together. Don’t stop being friends just because you’re each other’s spouse. And secondly, your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner’s needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don’t let resentment build."
- Dr. Phil McGraw, television host/author
Keep your sex life active. Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and ‘on empty.’ In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
- Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. counselor/author, Keep Your Marriage: What to do when your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore.”
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of the book Not Just Friends, most people do not go looking for an affair. “It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely together, you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable – like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is when a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
Twenty five percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to family researchers, the primary issue is one of intimacy and secrecy. For example, if you have coffee every morning with a woman who is not your wife and your wife doesn’t know about it, you are violating your obligation of intimacy by keeping a secret from her.
Research also finds that only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue another relationship actually end up with that person long-term. In fact, most people who engaged in an affair say they wish it had never happened and that they had invested more time and energy in saving their marriage.
So, what are some good steps to protect your marriage?
Establish clear boundaries. Set boundaries that will keep any relationship established outside of your marriage innocent (such as relationships with people at work, at the gym, at church, etc). If you find yourself hoping to meet someone in secret, you know the emotions have gone too far.
Stay connected to your partner by communicating. Talk to your spouse about everything going on in your life including relationships with other men or women. This level of communication will help you keep and set limits with others.
Keep the romance alive at home. Continue doing little things for your husband or wife that lets him/her know that you are thinking about them. Call during the day just to talk for a few minutes; make time for a weekly date night. Keeping the romance alive at home will help prevent you from seeking out romance with someone else.
Never let someone know that you are attracted to them. Sharing these types of feelings only opens the door for others to share their feelings as well. It is when attraction is mutual that problems can arise.
Stay away from environments where infidelity can flourish. Quiet lunches, drinks after work…these are situations that should be avoided.
Additional advice from the experts:
"Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him (or her) that you appreciate what he does. We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing. And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
- M. Gary Neuman, counselor/author, The Truth About Cheating
"First, your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together. Don’t stop being friends just because you’re each other’s spouse. And secondly, your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner’s needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don’t let resentment build."
- Dr. Phil McGraw, television host/author
Keep your sex life active. Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and ‘on empty.’ In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
- Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. counselor/author, Keep Your Marriage: What to do when your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore.”
When Does ‘Yours’ and ‘Mine’ Become ‘Ours’?
Source: www.twoofus.org
In long-term relationships, the transition from individual ownership (property, possessions or finances) to shared ownership can be stressful and confusing.
Marriage is a natural milestone typically associated with sharing assets and belongings. But for couples in long-term relationships who choose not to marry, the decision regarding if, when, and to what extent to merge resources can be difficult.
Marriage represents a social contract— formally acknowledged and with commonly-understood implications. By contrast, the nature of a long-term relationship between two unmarried partners is largely self-determined. Defining your own terms for your relationship can feel liberating … or overwhelming. As there is no clear roadmap regarding when or how to pool resources, many unmarried couples in committed relationships find themselves without a clear sense of direction.
Some considerations to think about before merging finances or possessions with your partner:
The length of relationship
If you have been with your partner for less than a year, be cautious about combining lives. Be sure you have a clear understanding of your partner’s personal and financial history and habits first.
The stability of relationship
If your relationship is volatile—with explosive fights or frequent breakups—think twice before living together or pooling resources.
The financial health of each partner
Have a candid discussion about your respective financial states. Assess your personal debt and assets and run a credit report on both parties. This will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether you are comfortable combining finances.
The trust factor
Unmarried couples generally do not have the same legal obligations as married couples—neither do they have the same legal protections. Do an honest mental assessment of your partner’s character—if your romance ever broke down, would they deal fairly and honestly with any debt or responsibilities? Or would they leave you holding the bag?
Do a cost-benefit analysis
Living together and sharing resources can reduce your individual expenses. The economies of scale that come from living together can result in financial benefits for each partner. However, if some of the considerations listed above concern you—or if you have strong gut feeling that combining resources with this person is a bad idea—the risks may outweigh the rewards.
Beyond the numbers
While living together can save you money, never move in with a partner out of economic desperation. If you have reservations about the relationship, find another solution to your financial problems—consider living with a roommate or even your parent(s). Many individuals in abusive or unhealthy relationships remain in such relationships in part because they feel trapped by economic and logistical complications tied to co-habitation.
If you think you are ready to begin merging your lives and money, ask yourself:
How extensively will you merge your finances?
If you buy a house together, will you put both of your names on the mortgage? Do you want to maintain separate bank accounts and just your split bills, roommate style? Should you put utility bills under both of your names or divvy them up another way?
How will you pay for everyday expenses?
If you live together, but choose to maintain even partially-independent finances, how will you pay for groceries, date nights, etc.? Think through any potential sore spots—your dog, his beer, her magazine subscriptions.
How will you pay for major debts and expenditures?
If you buy a big-screen TV together and break up, who will get it? If you go on expensive vacations and one only person pays, will he or she expect repayment if the relationship falls through? Who gets what jointly-purchased furniture? If you help put him through medical school, what do you expect in return, should the relationship collapse? How will you handle all debts accrued before or during your relationship?
Would you be more comfortable putting it in writing?
If your finances are complex or if you would just feel more comfortable doing so, consider a written contract detailing your respective financial obligations. Even if it is not a formal document prepared by a lawyer, putting it all in writing may help you think through the various financial repercussions of sharing assets.
While there are no strict rules for if and when unmarried couples should pool resources, observing time-honored rules of personal responsibility, fairness and common sense goes a long way in any healthy relationship.
In long-term relationships, the transition from individual ownership (property, possessions or finances) to shared ownership can be stressful and confusing.
Marriage is a natural milestone typically associated with sharing assets and belongings. But for couples in long-term relationships who choose not to marry, the decision regarding if, when, and to what extent to merge resources can be difficult.
Marriage represents a social contract— formally acknowledged and with commonly-understood implications. By contrast, the nature of a long-term relationship between two unmarried partners is largely self-determined. Defining your own terms for your relationship can feel liberating … or overwhelming. As there is no clear roadmap regarding when or how to pool resources, many unmarried couples in committed relationships find themselves without a clear sense of direction.
Some considerations to think about before merging finances or possessions with your partner:
The length of relationship
If you have been with your partner for less than a year, be cautious about combining lives. Be sure you have a clear understanding of your partner’s personal and financial history and habits first.
The stability of relationship
If your relationship is volatile—with explosive fights or frequent breakups—think twice before living together or pooling resources.
The financial health of each partner
Have a candid discussion about your respective financial states. Assess your personal debt and assets and run a credit report on both parties. This will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether you are comfortable combining finances.
The trust factor
Unmarried couples generally do not have the same legal obligations as married couples—neither do they have the same legal protections. Do an honest mental assessment of your partner’s character—if your romance ever broke down, would they deal fairly and honestly with any debt or responsibilities? Or would they leave you holding the bag?
Do a cost-benefit analysis
Living together and sharing resources can reduce your individual expenses. The economies of scale that come from living together can result in financial benefits for each partner. However, if some of the considerations listed above concern you—or if you have strong gut feeling that combining resources with this person is a bad idea—the risks may outweigh the rewards.
Beyond the numbers
While living together can save you money, never move in with a partner out of economic desperation. If you have reservations about the relationship, find another solution to your financial problems—consider living with a roommate or even your parent(s). Many individuals in abusive or unhealthy relationships remain in such relationships in part because they feel trapped by economic and logistical complications tied to co-habitation.
If you think you are ready to begin merging your lives and money, ask yourself:
How extensively will you merge your finances?
If you buy a house together, will you put both of your names on the mortgage? Do you want to maintain separate bank accounts and just your split bills, roommate style? Should you put utility bills under both of your names or divvy them up another way?
How will you pay for everyday expenses?
If you live together, but choose to maintain even partially-independent finances, how will you pay for groceries, date nights, etc.? Think through any potential sore spots—your dog, his beer, her magazine subscriptions.
How will you pay for major debts and expenditures?
If you buy a big-screen TV together and break up, who will get it? If you go on expensive vacations and one only person pays, will he or she expect repayment if the relationship falls through? Who gets what jointly-purchased furniture? If you help put him through medical school, what do you expect in return, should the relationship collapse? How will you handle all debts accrued before or during your relationship?
Would you be more comfortable putting it in writing?
If your finances are complex or if you would just feel more comfortable doing so, consider a written contract detailing your respective financial obligations. Even if it is not a formal document prepared by a lawyer, putting it all in writing may help you think through the various financial repercussions of sharing assets.
While there are no strict rules for if and when unmarried couples should pool resources, observing time-honored rules of personal responsibility, fairness and common sense goes a long way in any healthy relationship.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Are you ready for a child?
www.twoofus.org
When weighing when (and if) to have children, a lot of variables come into play. Age, finances, relationship status, educational and career objectives, health, and ideal family size are all important considerations. These factors are often at odds with each other, making a difficult decision even more complicated.
You are often better equipped (biologically-speaking) to handle the demands of pregnancy and child care when you are young. In terms of psychological, relationship and financial readiness, however, you may be better off having a child later in life. And at any stage, you can wrestle with feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy about being a parent.
The desire to bring a child into the world is one of the most noble, natural, and generous instincts we have. Under certain circumstances, however, this same impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish. Consider these 5 bad—and 5 good—reasons to have children when assessing whether you are ready to become a parent.
5 Bad Reasons to Have a Child
You are trying to fill a void
Maybe you are in a romantic relationship, but feel disconnected from your partner. Perhaps you are single and crave a little built-in company. A baby will bring you the unconditional love you are looking for, right? Sadly, no. While the bond between a parent and child is indeed unlike any other, at some point, your child will let you down and fail to appreciate you. This doesn’t make the relationship with your child any less beautiful—but being a parent definitely isn’t a cure-all for emotional emptiness.
Your friends are doing it
Perhaps your friends are on a baby-breeding spree. They have play dates with other parents and seem to be closing ranks. Naturally, you don’t want to be left behind. But having a baby to fit in with your social circle is selfish … and is no guarantee of lasting friendship.
You are trying to “lock down” or repair a relationship
A child is not bait … or a pawn. Do not force a pregnancy (or fake one!) in an attempt to nail down a commitment or bring you and your partner closer together. No child can heal foundational flaws in a relationship—only you and your partner can do that.
You think it is cool
Those pregnant teenagers got a reality show. That hyper-fertile couple got a huge house and new appliances for their brood of kids. And that actress just adopted another child from an exotic land. Parenting is a selfless and courageous act. But any perceived glamour associated with parenting is pure illusion—an illusion that will quickly dissolve after a few months of diaper duty and sleepless nights.
You are being pressured … and you are not ready
Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child—not your partner and definitely not your parents! The decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly. If you have serious reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner—sooner rather than later. Be clear about whether you don’t think you are ready to have kids yet or if you think you may never be ready to be a parent. A little apprehension is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.
So if parenting is so demanding and the “perks” aren’t always guaranteed, why even bother? And how do you know if you are ready?
5 Good Reasons to Have a Child
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
You have love to give
The best motivation for having a child is what you can give a child, rather than what you can get from the relationship. If you see parenthood as an opportunity to pass on the good things you’ve been given (or to provide your child with the love and support you may not have received as a child), you are on the right track. Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes—it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths.
You are in a place to support your child
What children need most is unconditional love. That being said, children also need food, shelter, and clothing—all things that cost money. If you struggle to pay your bills each month, have trouble holding down a job, or have a significant amount of debt, consider postponing parenthood. According to a study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the cost of raising a child from birth to his/her 18th birthday could exceed $200,000 for middle-income families. You don’t have to be wealthy to be a good parent, but the costs associated with parenthood are sizable. Being in relatively good financial shape before having a baby will spare you and your child unnecessary stress.
You are in a functional, long-term relationship/marriage
In addition to financial stability, relational stability is an important consideration in having a baby. Statistics indicate that children thrive in stable, two-parent homes, especially those with married, biological parents. Consider the health of your marriage/relationship before having a child. If your relationship isn’t healthy now, it is likely to remain unhealthy in the future (unless you and your partner make a firm commitment to get help). If your relationship is filled with hostility, abuse or excess drama, don’t drag a child into the mess. If you are in a reasonably healthy relationship, both you and your child will benefit.
You’ve worked through your major baggage
We are all human—even the best parents will let down their children sometimes. But if you haven’t worked through significant personal issues—such as rejection, abuse, manipulation, anxiety or depression—these issues may surface in your interactions with your child. Before you pass on these wounds to your child, do your best to process through major emotional baggage.
You’re not sure you’re ready, but really want to be
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
When weighing when (and if) to have children, a lot of variables come into play. Age, finances, relationship status, educational and career objectives, health, and ideal family size are all important considerations. These factors are often at odds with each other, making a difficult decision even more complicated.
You are often better equipped (biologically-speaking) to handle the demands of pregnancy and child care when you are young. In terms of psychological, relationship and financial readiness, however, you may be better off having a child later in life. And at any stage, you can wrestle with feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy about being a parent.
The desire to bring a child into the world is one of the most noble, natural, and generous instincts we have. Under certain circumstances, however, this same impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish. Consider these 5 bad—and 5 good—reasons to have children when assessing whether you are ready to become a parent.
5 Bad Reasons to Have a Child
You are trying to fill a void
Maybe you are in a romantic relationship, but feel disconnected from your partner. Perhaps you are single and crave a little built-in company. A baby will bring you the unconditional love you are looking for, right? Sadly, no. While the bond between a parent and child is indeed unlike any other, at some point, your child will let you down and fail to appreciate you. This doesn’t make the relationship with your child any less beautiful—but being a parent definitely isn’t a cure-all for emotional emptiness.
Your friends are doing it
Perhaps your friends are on a baby-breeding spree. They have play dates with other parents and seem to be closing ranks. Naturally, you don’t want to be left behind. But having a baby to fit in with your social circle is selfish … and is no guarantee of lasting friendship.
You are trying to “lock down” or repair a relationship
A child is not bait … or a pawn. Do not force a pregnancy (or fake one!) in an attempt to nail down a commitment or bring you and your partner closer together. No child can heal foundational flaws in a relationship—only you and your partner can do that.
You think it is cool
Those pregnant teenagers got a reality show. That hyper-fertile couple got a huge house and new appliances for their brood of kids. And that actress just adopted another child from an exotic land. Parenting is a selfless and courageous act. But any perceived glamour associated with parenting is pure illusion—an illusion that will quickly dissolve after a few months of diaper duty and sleepless nights.
You are being pressured … and you are not ready
Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child—not your partner and definitely not your parents! The decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly. If you have serious reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner—sooner rather than later. Be clear about whether you don’t think you are ready to have kids yet or if you think you may never be ready to be a parent. A little apprehension is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.
So if parenting is so demanding and the “perks” aren’t always guaranteed, why even bother? And how do you know if you are ready?
5 Good Reasons to Have a Child
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
You have love to give
The best motivation for having a child is what you can give a child, rather than what you can get from the relationship. If you see parenthood as an opportunity to pass on the good things you’ve been given (or to provide your child with the love and support you may not have received as a child), you are on the right track. Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes—it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths.
You are in a place to support your child
What children need most is unconditional love. That being said, children also need food, shelter, and clothing—all things that cost money. If you struggle to pay your bills each month, have trouble holding down a job, or have a significant amount of debt, consider postponing parenthood. According to a study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the cost of raising a child from birth to his/her 18th birthday could exceed $200,000 for middle-income families. You don’t have to be wealthy to be a good parent, but the costs associated with parenthood are sizable. Being in relatively good financial shape before having a baby will spare you and your child unnecessary stress.
You are in a functional, long-term relationship/marriage
In addition to financial stability, relational stability is an important consideration in having a baby. Statistics indicate that children thrive in stable, two-parent homes, especially those with married, biological parents. Consider the health of your marriage/relationship before having a child. If your relationship isn’t healthy now, it is likely to remain unhealthy in the future (unless you and your partner make a firm commitment to get help). If your relationship is filled with hostility, abuse or excess drama, don’t drag a child into the mess. If you are in a reasonably healthy relationship, both you and your child will benefit.
You’ve worked through your major baggage
We are all human—even the best parents will let down their children sometimes. But if you haven’t worked through significant personal issues—such as rejection, abuse, manipulation, anxiety or depression—these issues may surface in your interactions with your child. Before you pass on these wounds to your child, do your best to process through major emotional baggage.
You’re not sure you’re ready, but really want to be
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
The Art of Compromise
Source:www.twoofus.org
He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.
- Sun Tzu
Couples are often advised to “choose their battles.” That is to say, know which issues are worth fighting for and which aren’t really important. The logic is that you should save your strength for the things that really matter.
Unfortunately, not all conflicts have clear winners. In some instances, both parties may have reasonable but contradictory claims. You can go ahead and fight it out … but neither of you will be victorious. In such situations, you and your partner must be able to compromise. Otherwise, your relationship will reach a stalemate, with neither of you being able to move forward.
Being uncompromising on ethical matters makes you a strong person. Being uncompromising in an intimate relationship, however, is sometimes less noble. The issues that cause conflict in a relationship often stem from selfishness. It is natural to be primarily concerned with your own aspirations, ambitions and interests. However, when you commit to another person, you are committing to look out for their interests as well.
Here are some common areas of conflict for couples:
Areas of Compromise
Career—Whose career takes priority? Should one of you stay home with the kids? Who should be the primary breadwinner?
Finances—Is your breadwinner making enough dough? Who manages the budget? How should the money be spent?
Sex—How often should you have sex? What sexual behaviors are expected, desired, or forbidden?
Housework—How should chores be divided? Are you doing your fair share?
Personal Ambitions—Which dreams get to be pursued? What lifelong goals need to be put on hold?
Parenting—How many kids do you want? When will you have them? How will you discipline them?
Social Life—Who gets to go out? When, where, and with whom?
Family Obligations—How much time do you spend with your family? How do you respond when they meddle in your relationship?
Striking a fair balance between your partner’s desires and your own is challenging, but not impossible.
How to Compromise
Identify what is driving you
Humans are competitive by nature. Before you pick a fight, make sure you understand what is really motivating your reaction. If you are being prompted by an important difference of opinion, so be it. But if you are disagreeing simply for the sake of disagreeing, check your impulses. Weigh the strength of your feelings against those of your partner. If you know your partner feels more strongly about the matter (and has a legitimate point), yield some ground.
Understand that compromise is not surrender
People often resist compromising because they think of it as defeat. But compromise is not surrender. Compromise is a truce. Truces are established between two parties who recognize that there is no definitive way to prove a winner, without massive carnage.
A truce does not require you to believe that your partner’s claims are actually superior to your own. You simply need to understand your partner’s worth—that he or she deserves to be spared hostile, prolonged and unproductive warfare. You can acknowledge the validity of your partner’s feelings or opinions without having to actually agree with him/her.
Define your terms
We usually have a little wiggle room in our personal objectives. Decide where you are willing to bend. Be willing to give up something in order to gain something significant.
Be careful what you bargain with
Be sure the conditions established in your bargaining are fair and relevant to the issue at hand. Otherwise, your negotiations can turn ugly. For example, sex is generally understood to be part of the marital contract. Nevertheless, some couples use sex (or the lack thereof) as leverage in conflict. But withholding sex from your partner merely to get your way is manipulative. And it is a tactic that can backfire, in a big way.
Don’t be hostile
Compromise is often best described using military terms. To successfully negotiate with your partner, however, you cannot approach him/her as your enemy. A hostile attitude only makes the situation worse.
Know what to never compromise
While relationships require flexibility, there are some things you should never compromise. You should never be forced to act against your core values, conscience, or dignity. And even in the fiercest disagreement, your physical well-being should never be in danger. These are the non-negotiables of a healthy relationship—protect them diligently.
Constantly warring with your partner weakens your emotional reserves and damages your relationship. If you see compromise as weakness, you will be unlikely to practice it. But refusing to compromise can undermine your chances of lasting love. If you view compromise as an intelligent and humane way to resolve conflict, however, you are much more likely to embrace it as a useful tool.
Sometimes it is worth “losing” a battle to win the war. In this case, the war you are fighting is not against each other, but for each other—to secure the prize of a healthy, mutually-supportive and lasting relationship.
He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.
- Sun Tzu
Couples are often advised to “choose their battles.” That is to say, know which issues are worth fighting for and which aren’t really important. The logic is that you should save your strength for the things that really matter.
Unfortunately, not all conflicts have clear winners. In some instances, both parties may have reasonable but contradictory claims. You can go ahead and fight it out … but neither of you will be victorious. In such situations, you and your partner must be able to compromise. Otherwise, your relationship will reach a stalemate, with neither of you being able to move forward.
Being uncompromising on ethical matters makes you a strong person. Being uncompromising in an intimate relationship, however, is sometimes less noble. The issues that cause conflict in a relationship often stem from selfishness. It is natural to be primarily concerned with your own aspirations, ambitions and interests. However, when you commit to another person, you are committing to look out for their interests as well.
Here are some common areas of conflict for couples:
Areas of Compromise
Career—Whose career takes priority? Should one of you stay home with the kids? Who should be the primary breadwinner?
Finances—Is your breadwinner making enough dough? Who manages the budget? How should the money be spent?
Sex—How often should you have sex? What sexual behaviors are expected, desired, or forbidden?
Housework—How should chores be divided? Are you doing your fair share?
Personal Ambitions—Which dreams get to be pursued? What lifelong goals need to be put on hold?
Parenting—How many kids do you want? When will you have them? How will you discipline them?
Social Life—Who gets to go out? When, where, and with whom?
Family Obligations—How much time do you spend with your family? How do you respond when they meddle in your relationship?
Striking a fair balance between your partner’s desires and your own is challenging, but not impossible.
How to Compromise
Identify what is driving you
Humans are competitive by nature. Before you pick a fight, make sure you understand what is really motivating your reaction. If you are being prompted by an important difference of opinion, so be it. But if you are disagreeing simply for the sake of disagreeing, check your impulses. Weigh the strength of your feelings against those of your partner. If you know your partner feels more strongly about the matter (and has a legitimate point), yield some ground.
Understand that compromise is not surrender
People often resist compromising because they think of it as defeat. But compromise is not surrender. Compromise is a truce. Truces are established between two parties who recognize that there is no definitive way to prove a winner, without massive carnage.
A truce does not require you to believe that your partner’s claims are actually superior to your own. You simply need to understand your partner’s worth—that he or she deserves to be spared hostile, prolonged and unproductive warfare. You can acknowledge the validity of your partner’s feelings or opinions without having to actually agree with him/her.
Define your terms
We usually have a little wiggle room in our personal objectives. Decide where you are willing to bend. Be willing to give up something in order to gain something significant.
Be careful what you bargain with
Be sure the conditions established in your bargaining are fair and relevant to the issue at hand. Otherwise, your negotiations can turn ugly. For example, sex is generally understood to be part of the marital contract. Nevertheless, some couples use sex (or the lack thereof) as leverage in conflict. But withholding sex from your partner merely to get your way is manipulative. And it is a tactic that can backfire, in a big way.
Don’t be hostile
Compromise is often best described using military terms. To successfully negotiate with your partner, however, you cannot approach him/her as your enemy. A hostile attitude only makes the situation worse.
Know what to never compromise
While relationships require flexibility, there are some things you should never compromise. You should never be forced to act against your core values, conscience, or dignity. And even in the fiercest disagreement, your physical well-being should never be in danger. These are the non-negotiables of a healthy relationship—protect them diligently.
Constantly warring with your partner weakens your emotional reserves and damages your relationship. If you see compromise as weakness, you will be unlikely to practice it. But refusing to compromise can undermine your chances of lasting love. If you view compromise as an intelligent and humane way to resolve conflict, however, you are much more likely to embrace it as a useful tool.
Sometimes it is worth “losing” a battle to win the war. In this case, the war you are fighting is not against each other, but for each other—to secure the prize of a healthy, mutually-supportive and lasting relationship.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Is Divorce "Contagious"?
Source:www.twoofus.org
Divorce can be contagious in social networks, according to a study by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, Harvard University, and Brown University.
The effect is based on the theory of social contagion—the spread of emotion or behavior through a group. The impact of a couple’s divorce can also extend beyond their immediate social circle, influencing people with two degrees of separation or more.
Are you at risk of “infection”?
Was your mother right after all? Are some friends really a “bad influence”? Whether or not you consider divorce to be bad, the study suggests our peers’ behavior may very well impact our own, at least when it comes to divorce.
People with a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, according to the study. Even our siblings seem to exert influence over our marriages—people with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more like to get divorced.
The workplace can also be a breeding ground for divorce: A divorced co-worker can increase the probability of another employee divorcing by 55 percent.
Children seemed to offer some level of protection—couples with kids were less susceptible to “contagious” divorce.
According to the study, other people may act as “carriers” of the divorce bug. These individuals may not be personally vulnerable to divorce. However, by relaying details of a friend’s divorce to another person, he or she may unintentionally encourage that person to divorce.
Divorce is not an actual virus; you are not powerless against it. However, divorce in your social circles can weaken your marriage’s immune system, if you let it. But why?
What makes divorce “contagious”?
When a friend vents about problems in his/her marriage, you may become increasingly critical of your own relationship. Your friend may express feelings of release or freedom in the wake of the divorce, prompting you to crave the same. While divorce is already commonplace in our society, having someone in your circle of friends “pave the way” can make divorce seem more appealing.
Have you recently been “exposed” to divorce? Has the encounter left you feeling vulnerable in your own marriage? If so—and if you want to preserve your marriage—read on for tips on fighting off divorce.
Building immunity in your marriage
Don’t avoid your divorced friends for fear of “catching” divorce. However, if you like being married—and would like to stay that way—consider the following:
• Be mindful of how your peers’ actions and attitudes can affect your own. Don’t ignore legitimate issues in your relationship, but don’t inflate them either. Keep a level-headed perspective on your marital problems. When problems arise, deal promptly (and fairly) with the specific issues involved—don’t let the tension build for months. Learn positive communication patterns to help you and your spouse resolve relationship problems together.
• Don’t nitpick every minor defect in your partner, merely because your friends are doing the same. You may start bad-mouthing your spouse to a divorcing friend, in large part, to make him or her feel better. But these words can worm their way deeper into your psyche, where they can fester. Don’t vent about your spouse to a third party without first communicating the issue to your spouse.
• Strengthen your defenses. If the flu was spreading rapidly in your social circle, you would take precautions to avoid getting sick. Do the same for your marriage. Consider taking a marriage or relationship education workshop. Or, take advantage of the many free online resources to build your relationship skills.
• Don’t delay getting treatment. If your marriage feels unhealthy, seek professional intervention—promptly. If you wait to see a marriage counselor until your marriage is almost comatose, recovery will be more challenging. However, very few marriages are truly terminal, with no other solution than to divorce. If a couple is dedicated to working on their problems, most issues can be resolved.
Healthy marriages rarely collapse merely because a couple is “exposed” to divorce. If divorce is spreading rapidly among your peers, chances are those marriages were already in a weakened state. Still, if you want your marriage to live a long and healthy life, take good care of it. Remember what is positive in your relationship … and deal thoroughly and thoughtfully with the issues that have potential to harm your marriage.
Divorce can be contagious in social networks, according to a study by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, Harvard University, and Brown University.
The effect is based on the theory of social contagion—the spread of emotion or behavior through a group. The impact of a couple’s divorce can also extend beyond their immediate social circle, influencing people with two degrees of separation or more.
Are you at risk of “infection”?
Was your mother right after all? Are some friends really a “bad influence”? Whether or not you consider divorce to be bad, the study suggests our peers’ behavior may very well impact our own, at least when it comes to divorce.
People with a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, according to the study. Even our siblings seem to exert influence over our marriages—people with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more like to get divorced.
The workplace can also be a breeding ground for divorce: A divorced co-worker can increase the probability of another employee divorcing by 55 percent.
Children seemed to offer some level of protection—couples with kids were less susceptible to “contagious” divorce.
According to the study, other people may act as “carriers” of the divorce bug. These individuals may not be personally vulnerable to divorce. However, by relaying details of a friend’s divorce to another person, he or she may unintentionally encourage that person to divorce.
Divorce is not an actual virus; you are not powerless against it. However, divorce in your social circles can weaken your marriage’s immune system, if you let it. But why?
What makes divorce “contagious”?
When a friend vents about problems in his/her marriage, you may become increasingly critical of your own relationship. Your friend may express feelings of release or freedom in the wake of the divorce, prompting you to crave the same. While divorce is already commonplace in our society, having someone in your circle of friends “pave the way” can make divorce seem more appealing.
Have you recently been “exposed” to divorce? Has the encounter left you feeling vulnerable in your own marriage? If so—and if you want to preserve your marriage—read on for tips on fighting off divorce.
Building immunity in your marriage
Don’t avoid your divorced friends for fear of “catching” divorce. However, if you like being married—and would like to stay that way—consider the following:
• Be mindful of how your peers’ actions and attitudes can affect your own. Don’t ignore legitimate issues in your relationship, but don’t inflate them either. Keep a level-headed perspective on your marital problems. When problems arise, deal promptly (and fairly) with the specific issues involved—don’t let the tension build for months. Learn positive communication patterns to help you and your spouse resolve relationship problems together.
• Don’t nitpick every minor defect in your partner, merely because your friends are doing the same. You may start bad-mouthing your spouse to a divorcing friend, in large part, to make him or her feel better. But these words can worm their way deeper into your psyche, where they can fester. Don’t vent about your spouse to a third party without first communicating the issue to your spouse.
• Strengthen your defenses. If the flu was spreading rapidly in your social circle, you would take precautions to avoid getting sick. Do the same for your marriage. Consider taking a marriage or relationship education workshop. Or, take advantage of the many free online resources to build your relationship skills.
• Don’t delay getting treatment. If your marriage feels unhealthy, seek professional intervention—promptly. If you wait to see a marriage counselor until your marriage is almost comatose, recovery will be more challenging. However, very few marriages are truly terminal, with no other solution than to divorce. If a couple is dedicated to working on their problems, most issues can be resolved.
Healthy marriages rarely collapse merely because a couple is “exposed” to divorce. If divorce is spreading rapidly among your peers, chances are those marriages were already in a weakened state. Still, if you want your marriage to live a long and healthy life, take good care of it. Remember what is positive in your relationship … and deal thoroughly and thoughtfully with the issues that have potential to harm your marriage.
The ‘Disengaged’ Fiance: Getting Your Fiance Involved in the Wedding
Source: www.twoofus.org
It’s a common scenario: You can’t wait for your wedding day. Your fiance can’t wait for it to be over.
With engaged couples, one of the two parties is usually way more into the wedding planning than the other. Not surprisingly, the disinterested party is usually the groom.
In the past, wedding requirements for men largely consisted of showing up at the wedding (preferably sober) 2) being reasonably well-groomed and 3) wearing a tuxedo. Brides today, however, often expect grooms to fully participate in the wedding planning process. But many men continue to display stereotypical aversion to all things wedding-related.
On rare occasions, the bride is the one who is apathetic. If she didn’t really want a wedding—but got wrangled into one by her fiance or her family—she may be less than helpful. And some men—especially creative or sentimental types—are highly engaged throughout the wedding planning process.
If your fiance is indifferent to the wedding, trying to engage him or her in the process can be challenging. Here are some tips to help:
Coping with an Apathetic Fiance
Don’t take it personally—If your fiance seems uninterested in you, that is a problem. But if your fiance merely seems uninterested in the details of the wedding, don’t worry too much. Some people simply aren’t wired to be as excited or opinionated about aesthetics, tradition, or ceremony. Your fiance isn’t trying to hurt you—he or she may just feel overwhelmed by the process.
Keep perspective—Weddings are beautiful things: a public expression of the love shared between you and your fiance. But weddings are also temporary in nature. Don’t let the chaos of planning a wedding distract you from what is most important: planning a life together.
Communicate—Help your partner understand why the wedding details matter to you. Give your fiance grace to not feel as passionately about the actual wedding as you do. But let him or her know that you still need their emotional (and sometimes logistical) support.
Assign tasks—Sit down with your fiance and a list of wedding responsibilities. Then ask your fiance what tasks he or she would like to tackle. Men are often most comfortable helping out in the areas of food and music/entertainment.
Prioritize your need for input—Few men truly care about the color of the napkins, flowers, or bridesmaids’ dresses. Don’t demand input from your fiance on every single detail. If you really need input from him/her, try narrowing down the options first. Then present him/her with a couple of choices. Just be prepared to live with your fiance’s decision. No one likes to be asked his/her opinion and promptly have that opinion dismissed.
Find external support—While your fiance may not think wedding planning is fun, plenty of other people are usually happy to lend a hand. Reach out to your friends, family, and bridal party for support.
Hire a good wedding coordinator—The wedding coordinator is often the first thing people cut from their budget. But a coordinator can take a huge weight off both you and your fiance. You are a lot less likely to become a bridezilla (or groomzilla) if a professional is there to crack the whip for you.
Have date nights—As the wedding approaches, it can be difficult to focus on anything else. Be sure to make room for date nights. Commit to not discussing wedding details during that time. Your fiance probably needs a breather from wedding talk; you probably do too.
Focus on the positive—There is a silver lining for having a fiance who doesn’t enjoy wedding planning: sole creative control. You may think you want your fiance to be more involved in the decision-making. But what if he or she starts giving you input you don’t like? If you have strong opinions about the wedding, having a relatively un-opinionated fiance isn’t necessarily the worst thing.
Your fiance may not care as much as you about the details of your wedding. But so long as he or she truly cares about you, you will be fine. Remember the main objective is not a perfect wedding, but a strong, loving, and lasting marriage.
It’s a common scenario: You can’t wait for your wedding day. Your fiance can’t wait for it to be over.
With engaged couples, one of the two parties is usually way more into the wedding planning than the other. Not surprisingly, the disinterested party is usually the groom.
In the past, wedding requirements for men largely consisted of showing up at the wedding (preferably sober) 2) being reasonably well-groomed and 3) wearing a tuxedo. Brides today, however, often expect grooms to fully participate in the wedding planning process. But many men continue to display stereotypical aversion to all things wedding-related.
On rare occasions, the bride is the one who is apathetic. If she didn’t really want a wedding—but got wrangled into one by her fiance or her family—she may be less than helpful. And some men—especially creative or sentimental types—are highly engaged throughout the wedding planning process.
If your fiance is indifferent to the wedding, trying to engage him or her in the process can be challenging. Here are some tips to help:
Coping with an Apathetic Fiance
Don’t take it personally—If your fiance seems uninterested in you, that is a problem. But if your fiance merely seems uninterested in the details of the wedding, don’t worry too much. Some people simply aren’t wired to be as excited or opinionated about aesthetics, tradition, or ceremony. Your fiance isn’t trying to hurt you—he or she may just feel overwhelmed by the process.
Keep perspective—Weddings are beautiful things: a public expression of the love shared between you and your fiance. But weddings are also temporary in nature. Don’t let the chaos of planning a wedding distract you from what is most important: planning a life together.
Communicate—Help your partner understand why the wedding details matter to you. Give your fiance grace to not feel as passionately about the actual wedding as you do. But let him or her know that you still need their emotional (and sometimes logistical) support.
Assign tasks—Sit down with your fiance and a list of wedding responsibilities. Then ask your fiance what tasks he or she would like to tackle. Men are often most comfortable helping out in the areas of food and music/entertainment.
Prioritize your need for input—Few men truly care about the color of the napkins, flowers, or bridesmaids’ dresses. Don’t demand input from your fiance on every single detail. If you really need input from him/her, try narrowing down the options first. Then present him/her with a couple of choices. Just be prepared to live with your fiance’s decision. No one likes to be asked his/her opinion and promptly have that opinion dismissed.
Find external support—While your fiance may not think wedding planning is fun, plenty of other people are usually happy to lend a hand. Reach out to your friends, family, and bridal party for support.
Hire a good wedding coordinator—The wedding coordinator is often the first thing people cut from their budget. But a coordinator can take a huge weight off both you and your fiance. You are a lot less likely to become a bridezilla (or groomzilla) if a professional is there to crack the whip for you.
Have date nights—As the wedding approaches, it can be difficult to focus on anything else. Be sure to make room for date nights. Commit to not discussing wedding details during that time. Your fiance probably needs a breather from wedding talk; you probably do too.
Focus on the positive—There is a silver lining for having a fiance who doesn’t enjoy wedding planning: sole creative control. You may think you want your fiance to be more involved in the decision-making. But what if he or she starts giving you input you don’t like? If you have strong opinions about the wedding, having a relatively un-opinionated fiance isn’t necessarily the worst thing.
Your fiance may not care as much as you about the details of your wedding. But so long as he or she truly cares about you, you will be fine. Remember the main objective is not a perfect wedding, but a strong, loving, and lasting marriage.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
How Stress Affects a Relationship
Source:www.twoofus.org
Couples often go through periods of change, every day hassles and emotional issues that cause stress in their relationships. We all have stress in our lives, whether it is job-related, financial, marital, or parental. It can cause uncomfortable mental and physical reactions to life’s events. This challenges your marital relationship.
It’s important to understand how stressful events affect your marriage. Since you can’t avoid it, you have to be able to recognize and manage it. Finding a way to have a conversation about what is causing you stress, where you both finish the talk feeling relieved and satisfied, can make your relationship stronger. Here are some tips on how to handle stress in your relationship.
Figure Out What is Bothering You
Stress is tricky. We often say “I’m so stressed out!” but may have trouble figuring out what is causing it. Take the time to find out what the problem is and then share it with your spouse. Your partner may be able to help you deal with your stress. With increased awareness of what you are worried about, he/she can think of ways to keep from adding to your stress.
Bear in mind that your partner may not think you have any reason to be stressed. Help him/her understand why you are. Respect each other’s values and find ways to work together on the challenges. Your partner can give you a different point of view and together you can brainstorm ways to solve the issue that is causing your stress. Recognize that not every problem (or stressor) has a solution, but talking about it and sharing your feelings can help you manage it. Understand that if you don’t figure out how to successfully handle stress with your partner, problems in your marriage may emerge.
Stay Connected
Sometimes couples spend more time talking with their friends than their spouses about issues because they feel their partner might not understand them. Turning away from your partner during stressful events can be one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship. This can lead to feelings of rejection. Silence leads to greater frustration and increased anger, which can drive the two of you apart.
Try to strengthen your relationship by turning to each other often. You can do this by simply talking about the every-day events that happen in your lives, like the news, a good movie you saw, or the accomplishments of your children. This builds the confidence and trust you both need so you can discuss heavier and potentially stressful topics when they arise.
Maintain Intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any successful marriage. While many people think intimacy pertains only to sex, it is much more than that. Being intimate with your partner means that you reveal your thoughts and your feelings (even though it may be embarrassing to do so), demonstrate affection, and work together to solve problems. By being open and honest we develop emotional intimacy. When we are stressed this is especially important. Intimacy gives your partner a chance to support you and in return, you are more likely to support them when they are stressed.
Couples might avoid being intimate with their partner during stressful times because they are too tired or emotionally drained, but this can be a mistake. Being intimate actually helps relieve tension and anxiety.
Find Balance
You can become overwhelmed with activities that you really don’t have time for. This can cause problems in your relationship and with the entire family. The more time spent on other things, the less time there is for the family.
Research has shown that work stress is linked to unhappiness in marriage. Don’t be a workaholic by choosing to stay connected through cell phones, emails and other technology. This can cause your partner to feel lonely and will hurt your relationship.
Parents can feel like keeping up with each family member’s schedule is a full time job. Scheduling the children’s activities and taking them to practices, games, recitals and events can get to be too much. To avoid family burn-out keep an eye out for signs of stress and cut back on activities as needed.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get back on track to a healthy marriage, it is a good idea to take a relationship education course. Marriage education can give you the skills, information and resources you need to help manage your stress and make your relationship better. Make time to enjoy each other and work on your relationship.
The kind of husband, wife, mother, father, or friend you are is shown by your actions and attitudes. Be watchful of long periods of loneliness, depression or mood swings in yourself or in your partner. If you see these signs, be willing to help or get help. Try to be aware of you and your partner’s emotions every day. Change the things in your life, or in your relationship, that you can control and accept the things that you cannot change.
Stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. There is no cure-all for the stress that occurs in our lives, but we do have a choice about how we react to it. You and your spouse can together make an effort to control your thoughts and behaviors. Choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.
Couples often go through periods of change, every day hassles and emotional issues that cause stress in their relationships. We all have stress in our lives, whether it is job-related, financial, marital, or parental. It can cause uncomfortable mental and physical reactions to life’s events. This challenges your marital relationship.
It’s important to understand how stressful events affect your marriage. Since you can’t avoid it, you have to be able to recognize and manage it. Finding a way to have a conversation about what is causing you stress, where you both finish the talk feeling relieved and satisfied, can make your relationship stronger. Here are some tips on how to handle stress in your relationship.
Figure Out What is Bothering You
Stress is tricky. We often say “I’m so stressed out!” but may have trouble figuring out what is causing it. Take the time to find out what the problem is and then share it with your spouse. Your partner may be able to help you deal with your stress. With increased awareness of what you are worried about, he/she can think of ways to keep from adding to your stress.
Bear in mind that your partner may not think you have any reason to be stressed. Help him/her understand why you are. Respect each other’s values and find ways to work together on the challenges. Your partner can give you a different point of view and together you can brainstorm ways to solve the issue that is causing your stress. Recognize that not every problem (or stressor) has a solution, but talking about it and sharing your feelings can help you manage it. Understand that if you don’t figure out how to successfully handle stress with your partner, problems in your marriage may emerge.
Stay Connected
Sometimes couples spend more time talking with their friends than their spouses about issues because they feel their partner might not understand them. Turning away from your partner during stressful events can be one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship. This can lead to feelings of rejection. Silence leads to greater frustration and increased anger, which can drive the two of you apart.
Try to strengthen your relationship by turning to each other often. You can do this by simply talking about the every-day events that happen in your lives, like the news, a good movie you saw, or the accomplishments of your children. This builds the confidence and trust you both need so you can discuss heavier and potentially stressful topics when they arise.
Maintain Intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any successful marriage. While many people think intimacy pertains only to sex, it is much more than that. Being intimate with your partner means that you reveal your thoughts and your feelings (even though it may be embarrassing to do so), demonstrate affection, and work together to solve problems. By being open and honest we develop emotional intimacy. When we are stressed this is especially important. Intimacy gives your partner a chance to support you and in return, you are more likely to support them when they are stressed.
Couples might avoid being intimate with their partner during stressful times because they are too tired or emotionally drained, but this can be a mistake. Being intimate actually helps relieve tension and anxiety.
Find Balance
You can become overwhelmed with activities that you really don’t have time for. This can cause problems in your relationship and with the entire family. The more time spent on other things, the less time there is for the family.
Research has shown that work stress is linked to unhappiness in marriage. Don’t be a workaholic by choosing to stay connected through cell phones, emails and other technology. This can cause your partner to feel lonely and will hurt your relationship.
Parents can feel like keeping up with each family member’s schedule is a full time job. Scheduling the children’s activities and taking them to practices, games, recitals and events can get to be too much. To avoid family burn-out keep an eye out for signs of stress and cut back on activities as needed.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get back on track to a healthy marriage, it is a good idea to take a relationship education course. Marriage education can give you the skills, information and resources you need to help manage your stress and make your relationship better. Make time to enjoy each other and work on your relationship.
The kind of husband, wife, mother, father, or friend you are is shown by your actions and attitudes. Be watchful of long periods of loneliness, depression or mood swings in yourself or in your partner. If you see these signs, be willing to help or get help. Try to be aware of you and your partner’s emotions every day. Change the things in your life, or in your relationship, that you can control and accept the things that you cannot change.
Stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. There is no cure-all for the stress that occurs in our lives, but we do have a choice about how we react to it. You and your spouse can together make an effort to control your thoughts and behaviors. Choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.
Ready … or Not? How Does a Guy Know if He’s Ready to Commit?
Source:www.twoofus.org
You’re weary of the singles scene. Your bachelor buddies are dropping like flies. Your mom wants grandkids. And you’ve spent one too many nights alone. But does any of that mean you are ready for marriage, or even a deeper level of commitment?
How does a guy really know if he’s ready? Before you commit, take a personal inventory of your status and priorities. Some questions to ask yourself:
What’s important to you?
The loss of some personal freedom is inherent in any committed relationship. Are the rewards of a close, meaningful relationship worth more to you than the ability to go wherever you want, whenever you want? If not, you may not be ready to commit.
What can—and can’t—you live with?
You will never find the perfect woman. Never. Accepting that reality can be liberating. It doesn’t mean you lower your standards, it just means you understand what realistic standards are. Decide what qualities are most essential to you in a woman. Know what attributes will drive you insane. Don’t worry so much about everything else in the middle.
Where do you keep your baggage?
We all have some baggage from past relationships. The question is, is your relationship baggage stowed safely on a shelf, or are you still carrying it around on your back? Before you enter a committed relationship, make sure you have put some emotional distance between you and your pain. Otherwise, you may unfairly project old issues onto new relationships.
Does the thought of monogamy terrify you?
For most people, commitment means monogamy. And for many, monogamy is a frightening prospect. Despite the myth that marriage ruins sex, research suggests that married men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually-active singles and cohabiting couples. But if such research leaves you unconvinced and you don’t think you can be faithful to one woman, commitment may not be for you.
How are your finances?
You don’t have to be a millionaire, but men who are relatively financially stable are more likely to have successful marriages. Like emotional baggage, debt is something you don’t want to drag too much of into a relationship. If you have significant debt, this may be something you want to tackle before heading into a deeper commitment. While debt can strain a relationship, marriage can actually have a positive impact on a man’s financial situation. Married men earn 10 to 40 percent more than single men with similar credentials. And median household income has risen faster for married men than single men. Between 1970 and 2007, median household income rose 60% for married men versus 16% for unmarried men. Some of this increase is attributable to the rise in dual-income households—when men married in 1970, they rarely gained an additional breadwinner. Now women make up nearly half of the workforce and their earnings grew 44% between 1970 and 2007 (Pew Research Center).
So after reviewing the questions above, does settling down sound appealing … or just like settling?
A committed relationship can seem daunting, but it is not without its rewards. Married men are healthier, more affluent and more sexually satisfied than their single counterparts. In order to fully appreciate these rewards, however, you must first determine their worth to you and weigh these against any real or perceived sacrifices associated with a committed relationship.
You’re weary of the singles scene. Your bachelor buddies are dropping like flies. Your mom wants grandkids. And you’ve spent one too many nights alone. But does any of that mean you are ready for marriage, or even a deeper level of commitment?
How does a guy really know if he’s ready? Before you commit, take a personal inventory of your status and priorities. Some questions to ask yourself:
What’s important to you?
The loss of some personal freedom is inherent in any committed relationship. Are the rewards of a close, meaningful relationship worth more to you than the ability to go wherever you want, whenever you want? If not, you may not be ready to commit.
What can—and can’t—you live with?
You will never find the perfect woman. Never. Accepting that reality can be liberating. It doesn’t mean you lower your standards, it just means you understand what realistic standards are. Decide what qualities are most essential to you in a woman. Know what attributes will drive you insane. Don’t worry so much about everything else in the middle.
Where do you keep your baggage?
We all have some baggage from past relationships. The question is, is your relationship baggage stowed safely on a shelf, or are you still carrying it around on your back? Before you enter a committed relationship, make sure you have put some emotional distance between you and your pain. Otherwise, you may unfairly project old issues onto new relationships.
Does the thought of monogamy terrify you?
For most people, commitment means monogamy. And for many, monogamy is a frightening prospect. Despite the myth that marriage ruins sex, research suggests that married men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually-active singles and cohabiting couples. But if such research leaves you unconvinced and you don’t think you can be faithful to one woman, commitment may not be for you.
How are your finances?
You don’t have to be a millionaire, but men who are relatively financially stable are more likely to have successful marriages. Like emotional baggage, debt is something you don’t want to drag too much of into a relationship. If you have significant debt, this may be something you want to tackle before heading into a deeper commitment. While debt can strain a relationship, marriage can actually have a positive impact on a man’s financial situation. Married men earn 10 to 40 percent more than single men with similar credentials. And median household income has risen faster for married men than single men. Between 1970 and 2007, median household income rose 60% for married men versus 16% for unmarried men. Some of this increase is attributable to the rise in dual-income households—when men married in 1970, they rarely gained an additional breadwinner. Now women make up nearly half of the workforce and their earnings grew 44% between 1970 and 2007 (Pew Research Center).
So after reviewing the questions above, does settling down sound appealing … or just like settling?
A committed relationship can seem daunting, but it is not without its rewards. Married men are healthier, more affluent and more sexually satisfied than their single counterparts. In order to fully appreciate these rewards, however, you must first determine their worth to you and weigh these against any real or perceived sacrifices associated with a committed relationship.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Ho-Hum Marriages
Source: First Things First
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? You aren’t alone.
According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic. Then when careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along, couples are often thrown for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person?” “Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy?” “Did I get married for all the wrong reasons?”
“Love is an interesting emotion,” said Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the tingles. You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.
“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When couples are encouraged to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”
Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, it is faulty to believe these feelings are permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years, then people come off their high.
How does this relate to a ho-hum marriage, you might ask?
When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that you thought were so cute when you were dating are now the things that get on your last nerve.
“For many couples, they are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” said Dr. Chapman. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they start having thoughts like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”
Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, well groomed, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to possess all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.
“This is when people start thinking thoughts like ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ in an effort to convince themselves that the marriage they are in was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” said Dr. Chapman. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they have finally found the right person.”
So what do you do?
Recognize the tingles for what they are - they aren’t always trustworthy.
Keep your guard up – when there are troubles at home, know that you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.
Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage friendly.
Be weary of those you want to give you advice - even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.
Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You can feel the tingles again for your spouse.
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? You aren’t alone.
According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic. Then when careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along, couples are often thrown for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person?” “Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy?” “Did I get married for all the wrong reasons?”
“Love is an interesting emotion,” said Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the tingles. You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.
“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When couples are encouraged to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”
Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, it is faulty to believe these feelings are permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years, then people come off their high.
How does this relate to a ho-hum marriage, you might ask?
When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that you thought were so cute when you were dating are now the things that get on your last nerve.
“For many couples, they are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” said Dr. Chapman. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they start having thoughts like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”
Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, well groomed, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to possess all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.
“This is when people start thinking thoughts like ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ in an effort to convince themselves that the marriage they are in was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” said Dr. Chapman. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they have finally found the right person.”
So what do you do?
Recognize the tingles for what they are - they aren’t always trustworthy.
Keep your guard up – when there are troubles at home, know that you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.
Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage friendly.
Be weary of those you want to give you advice - even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.
Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You can feel the tingles again for your spouse.
Should You Take Your Fiance's Last Name?
Source:www.twoofus.org
The vast majority of women marrying today—approximately 90 percent—take their husband’s last name. While most women eventually adopt their husband’s name, the decision to do so is complicated, even painful, for many women. The decision is also loaded with political, professional and social nuances.
Our last name is part of our identity—it is tied to our family, our cultural heritage and our past. How does a modern girl reconcile her desire to retain her identity while embracing her new life as a married woman? Fortunately, brides today have lots of options:
The Traditional Route: The woman takes her husband’s last name
Pros: Your relationship to your husband is clear to the whole world, so there’s no confusion. And because it is still the cultural norm in the United States, you will rarely have to “defend” or explain your decision to others.
In a culture where marriages are often seen as “disposable,” taking your spouse’s last name can symbolize commitment to your fiance. While merely taking your husband’s name won’t prevent divorce, it at least communicates your intention to make your marriage last.
Cons: Let’s face it: some names are simply more appealing than others. If your maiden name is “Walker,” changing it to “Gass” may seem like a bum deal. Or, your first name simply may not mix well with his last name. The name “Sky” is lovely—but tack it to a last name like “Miles” and it sounds a little awkward.
Other women may struggle with the emotional, cultural, social, or political implications of changing their last name.
Hyphenation—The woman combines her maiden and married names with a hyphen
Pros: Hyphenation is a common compromise—you get to keep your last name … and add his. Everyone’s happy, right?
Cons: These names can sometimes be a mouthful, especially if either name is long or difficult to pronounce. And to some people, hyphenated names sound a little snooty.
Doubling Up—The woman adopts her husband’s last name and uses her maiden name as a type of middle name (no hyphen)
Pros: You avoid the potentially-awkward hyphen while achieving a similar effect.
Cons: If you are a stickler for being called your full name at all times, you may end up disappointed. Without the hyphen, people may call you simply by your husband’s last name. Or they may misinterpret your maiden name as your actual middle name. And using all four of your names (first, middle, maiden, and married) at all times can be clunky.
Professional Duality—The woman keeps her maiden name in her professional life and uses her husband’s name in her personal/social life
Pros: This is fairly common practice among celebrities. For example, there is Demi Moore, the famous actress. Then there is Mrs. Kutcher (or @mrskutcher) the wife of Twitter-addict Ashton Kutcher. Even if you aren’t a movie star, keeping your maiden name professionally might make sense. Anyone whose career or professional reputation is closely tied to her name—journalists, lawyers, artists, realtors, etc.—has a certain amount of “brand equity” built into her name. By keeping your maiden name professionally, you can leverage this advantage—while still getting to be Mrs. ____ in your social circles.
Cons: If your private and professional worlds overlap at all, people may get confused and call by you the wrong name.
No Change—You keep your last name, he keeps his
Pros: It’s easy—no paperwork, no mess.
Cons: There is little sense of “togetherness” in the arrangement. And if you plan on having children, what name will they go by?
The vast majority of women marrying today—approximately 90 percent—take their husband’s last name. While most women eventually adopt their husband’s name, the decision to do so is complicated, even painful, for many women. The decision is also loaded with political, professional and social nuances.
Our last name is part of our identity—it is tied to our family, our cultural heritage and our past. How does a modern girl reconcile her desire to retain her identity while embracing her new life as a married woman? Fortunately, brides today have lots of options:
The Traditional Route: The woman takes her husband’s last name
Pros: Your relationship to your husband is clear to the whole world, so there’s no confusion. And because it is still the cultural norm in the United States, you will rarely have to “defend” or explain your decision to others.
In a culture where marriages are often seen as “disposable,” taking your spouse’s last name can symbolize commitment to your fiance. While merely taking your husband’s name won’t prevent divorce, it at least communicates your intention to make your marriage last.
Cons: Let’s face it: some names are simply more appealing than others. If your maiden name is “Walker,” changing it to “Gass” may seem like a bum deal. Or, your first name simply may not mix well with his last name. The name “Sky” is lovely—but tack it to a last name like “Miles” and it sounds a little awkward.
Other women may struggle with the emotional, cultural, social, or political implications of changing their last name.
Hyphenation—The woman combines her maiden and married names with a hyphen
Pros: Hyphenation is a common compromise—you get to keep your last name … and add his. Everyone’s happy, right?
Cons: These names can sometimes be a mouthful, especially if either name is long or difficult to pronounce. And to some people, hyphenated names sound a little snooty.
Doubling Up—The woman adopts her husband’s last name and uses her maiden name as a type of middle name (no hyphen)
Pros: You avoid the potentially-awkward hyphen while achieving a similar effect.
Cons: If you are a stickler for being called your full name at all times, you may end up disappointed. Without the hyphen, people may call you simply by your husband’s last name. Or they may misinterpret your maiden name as your actual middle name. And using all four of your names (first, middle, maiden, and married) at all times can be clunky.
Professional Duality—The woman keeps her maiden name in her professional life and uses her husband’s name in her personal/social life
Pros: This is fairly common practice among celebrities. For example, there is Demi Moore, the famous actress. Then there is Mrs. Kutcher (or @mrskutcher) the wife of Twitter-addict Ashton Kutcher. Even if you aren’t a movie star, keeping your maiden name professionally might make sense. Anyone whose career or professional reputation is closely tied to her name—journalists, lawyers, artists, realtors, etc.—has a certain amount of “brand equity” built into her name. By keeping your maiden name professionally, you can leverage this advantage—while still getting to be Mrs. ____ in your social circles.
Cons: If your private and professional worlds overlap at all, people may get confused and call by you the wrong name.
No Change—You keep your last name, he keeps his
Pros: It’s easy—no paperwork, no mess.
Cons: There is little sense of “togetherness” in the arrangement. And if you plan on having children, what name will they go by?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lack of Sexual Intimacy: What It Means and How to Deal with It
Source:www.twoofus.org
Out of the blue, your partner has lost all interest in sex. Or perhaps your partner has always had a lower sex drive, but lately, the gap has become even more pronounced.
When your partner is not sexually responsive, it is easy to assume the worst. You may fear that your partner is no longer attracted to you, is no longer in love with you, or is having an affair. While these are (unfortunately) possible explanations, a host of other, less dramatic reasons could account for the sexual shutout.
Most couples have differing “baseline” sex drives—the frequency of sex which, under normal conditions, each partner considers ideal. Although men are generally perceived as having higher sex drives than women, this is not universally the case.
Finding someone who wants precisely the same amount of sex as you—at all times—is unrealistic. If your partner’s sex drive and your own are more or less equivalent, try to bear with him/her during any sexual lulls, lulls which could be caused by any number of factors. But if the frequency has abruptly deviated from former levels or your sex drives are dramatically different, you may want to have a candid conversation with your partner about what is causing his or her lack of sex drive.
Some possible reasons for lack of sexual intimacy:
Lack of non-sexual intimacy
For women in particular, emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual intimacy—if there is excessive conflict or emotional disconnect in the relationship, a woman may shut down sexually. The male sex drive can also be impacted by similar dynamics—if a man feels consistently antagonized or underappreciated, he may pull away sexually. A good rule of thumb: the stronger your relationship is as a whole, the better your chances of a satisfying sex life.
Stress or exhaustion
Physical and emotional exhaustion—from work, child care or other factors—can drain both men and women. To the extent that you are able to help your partner cope with his or her stressors—by assuming additional work on your end or by being supportive—your partner is likely to rebound more quickly and have more sexual energy.
Real or perceived rejection
Often, one partner feels they always initiate sex. Over time, they may begin to feel like their partner is sexually indifferent. Even if you do not actively reject your partner’s advances, lack of sexual enthusiasm or reciprocity can signal to your partner that you are merely consenting to sex, rather than actually interested in it.
Body image issues
Feeling physically desirable helps reduce inhibitions and makes sex more appealing. Weight gain, aging and pregnancy can impact self-image—so can low self-esteem or body image issues. For women, flattering lingerie and good (usually dim) lighting can help. But both men and women can feel self-conscious about their looks. Be sure to compliment your partner’s appearance both in sexual and nonsexual contexts. For example, if your husband or wife looks particularly good when they are getting dressed for work, be sure to mention it. This reinforces that you truly find them attractive and that your compliments are not merely a ploy to get them into bed. If your partner has gained a significant amount of weight recently, commit to getting healthy together—just avoid making them feel that they have to measure up (or down) in order to be attractive to you.
Lack of non-sexual affection
When affection is only demonstrated in the context of sex, women in particular can feel used. Infuse your relationship with plenty of affection apart from sex or even foreplay. Casual hugs, kisses and nonsexual massages can help bring you closer together.
Substance abuse or addiction
Alcoholism is a common culprit behind diminished sexual interest and performance in men. Some prescription medications, even when used properly, can also have unfortunate sexual side effects. Be aware of these side effects and encourage your partner to seek help for any unhealthy dependencies.
Infertility
For couples battling infertility, sex can quickly begin to feel like a chore and an unproductive one at that. Sex can feel unromantic and regimented. The emotional toll can further diminish one’s interest in sex. No matter how badly you want children, try not to fixate on fertility to the extent that sex becomes merely a discipline.
Poor sexual technique or sexual performance issues
Sorry to say it, but if you aren’t bringing your “A game” to the bedroom on a regular basis, it will likely diminish your partner’s sexual enthusiasm. For women, orgasms are often difficult to attain through sexual intercourse alone—if need be, find alternate means to make sure she gets there. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also common, but manageable, obstacles in achieving mutually satisfying sex. While “how-to” tips on sexual performance abound, often the best way to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied is to simply ask what does—and doesn’t—feel good. It can be awkward to discuss and may leave you feeling exposed, but it is the surest path to clarifying what is and isn’t working.
Depression
Chronic depression can lead to reduced interest in sex; make sure your partner receives the treatment and support he or she needs to cope with his or her depression.
Sexual trauma
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society and can leave lasting scars. These issues, if not dealt with, can spill over into an otherwise healthy relationship. If your partner has not already done so, encourage him or her to process through these issues with a licensed professional.
Hormone levels
A woman’s hormone levels naturally fluctuate throughout the month, making her somewhat more or less inclined towards sex at various points. Pregnancy, lactation and menopause can also impact hormone levels.
Shame about sexual interactions
Individuals who have engaged in sexual activity that runs contrary to their personal values, comfort level or religious convictions may feel ashamed. The person may be haunted by past (or present) decisions to the extent that it impacts his or her sex life. Talk openly and non-judgmentally with your partner regarding any value-based considerations that could be involved.
Physical constraints or limitations
Back problems, chemotherapy, chronic pain, and post-pregnancy complications are just a few of the physical conditions that can affect your partner’s desire and ability to have sex. Be understanding of these limitations and find creative and sustainable means to engage with each other sexually.
Infidelity
This possibility is listed last because, too often, it is the first assumption people make. Jumping to this conclusion—and vocalizing it—without first considering other explanations can damage your relationship. It is possible, however, that if your partner is sexually distant he or she may be having an affair, or at least considering one. In a survey of men who cheat, however, lack of sex with one’s partner was not found to be the best predictor of an affair. Instead, the study by M. Gary Neuman revealed that time spent away from home was the best predictor of infidelity. If you feel certain that your partner is having an affair, ask—just be aware that he or she will likely respond defensively, particularly if there is no clear “evidence” of infidelity.
There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for a lack of sexual desire, and no surefire remedy. The best solution for determining what may be affecting your partner’s sex drive is to communicate with your partner about what factors he or she thinks may be at work … and what you can do to help make sex more fulfilling and desirable for both of you.
Out of the blue, your partner has lost all interest in sex. Or perhaps your partner has always had a lower sex drive, but lately, the gap has become even more pronounced.
When your partner is not sexually responsive, it is easy to assume the worst. You may fear that your partner is no longer attracted to you, is no longer in love with you, or is having an affair. While these are (unfortunately) possible explanations, a host of other, less dramatic reasons could account for the sexual shutout.
Most couples have differing “baseline” sex drives—the frequency of sex which, under normal conditions, each partner considers ideal. Although men are generally perceived as having higher sex drives than women, this is not universally the case.
Finding someone who wants precisely the same amount of sex as you—at all times—is unrealistic. If your partner’s sex drive and your own are more or less equivalent, try to bear with him/her during any sexual lulls, lulls which could be caused by any number of factors. But if the frequency has abruptly deviated from former levels or your sex drives are dramatically different, you may want to have a candid conversation with your partner about what is causing his or her lack of sex drive.
Some possible reasons for lack of sexual intimacy:
Lack of non-sexual intimacy
For women in particular, emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual intimacy—if there is excessive conflict or emotional disconnect in the relationship, a woman may shut down sexually. The male sex drive can also be impacted by similar dynamics—if a man feels consistently antagonized or underappreciated, he may pull away sexually. A good rule of thumb: the stronger your relationship is as a whole, the better your chances of a satisfying sex life.
Stress or exhaustion
Physical and emotional exhaustion—from work, child care or other factors—can drain both men and women. To the extent that you are able to help your partner cope with his or her stressors—by assuming additional work on your end or by being supportive—your partner is likely to rebound more quickly and have more sexual energy.
Real or perceived rejection
Often, one partner feels they always initiate sex. Over time, they may begin to feel like their partner is sexually indifferent. Even if you do not actively reject your partner’s advances, lack of sexual enthusiasm or reciprocity can signal to your partner that you are merely consenting to sex, rather than actually interested in it.
Body image issues
Feeling physically desirable helps reduce inhibitions and makes sex more appealing. Weight gain, aging and pregnancy can impact self-image—so can low self-esteem or body image issues. For women, flattering lingerie and good (usually dim) lighting can help. But both men and women can feel self-conscious about their looks. Be sure to compliment your partner’s appearance both in sexual and nonsexual contexts. For example, if your husband or wife looks particularly good when they are getting dressed for work, be sure to mention it. This reinforces that you truly find them attractive and that your compliments are not merely a ploy to get them into bed. If your partner has gained a significant amount of weight recently, commit to getting healthy together—just avoid making them feel that they have to measure up (or down) in order to be attractive to you.
Lack of non-sexual affection
When affection is only demonstrated in the context of sex, women in particular can feel used. Infuse your relationship with plenty of affection apart from sex or even foreplay. Casual hugs, kisses and nonsexual massages can help bring you closer together.
Substance abuse or addiction
Alcoholism is a common culprit behind diminished sexual interest and performance in men. Some prescription medications, even when used properly, can also have unfortunate sexual side effects. Be aware of these side effects and encourage your partner to seek help for any unhealthy dependencies.
Infertility
For couples battling infertility, sex can quickly begin to feel like a chore and an unproductive one at that. Sex can feel unromantic and regimented. The emotional toll can further diminish one’s interest in sex. No matter how badly you want children, try not to fixate on fertility to the extent that sex becomes merely a discipline.
Poor sexual technique or sexual performance issues
Sorry to say it, but if you aren’t bringing your “A game” to the bedroom on a regular basis, it will likely diminish your partner’s sexual enthusiasm. For women, orgasms are often difficult to attain through sexual intercourse alone—if need be, find alternate means to make sure she gets there. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also common, but manageable, obstacles in achieving mutually satisfying sex. While “how-to” tips on sexual performance abound, often the best way to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied is to simply ask what does—and doesn’t—feel good. It can be awkward to discuss and may leave you feeling exposed, but it is the surest path to clarifying what is and isn’t working.
Depression
Chronic depression can lead to reduced interest in sex; make sure your partner receives the treatment and support he or she needs to cope with his or her depression.
Sexual trauma
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society and can leave lasting scars. These issues, if not dealt with, can spill over into an otherwise healthy relationship. If your partner has not already done so, encourage him or her to process through these issues with a licensed professional.
Hormone levels
A woman’s hormone levels naturally fluctuate throughout the month, making her somewhat more or less inclined towards sex at various points. Pregnancy, lactation and menopause can also impact hormone levels.
Shame about sexual interactions
Individuals who have engaged in sexual activity that runs contrary to their personal values, comfort level or religious convictions may feel ashamed. The person may be haunted by past (or present) decisions to the extent that it impacts his or her sex life. Talk openly and non-judgmentally with your partner regarding any value-based considerations that could be involved.
Physical constraints or limitations
Back problems, chemotherapy, chronic pain, and post-pregnancy complications are just a few of the physical conditions that can affect your partner’s desire and ability to have sex. Be understanding of these limitations and find creative and sustainable means to engage with each other sexually.
Infidelity
This possibility is listed last because, too often, it is the first assumption people make. Jumping to this conclusion—and vocalizing it—without first considering other explanations can damage your relationship. It is possible, however, that if your partner is sexually distant he or she may be having an affair, or at least considering one. In a survey of men who cheat, however, lack of sex with one’s partner was not found to be the best predictor of an affair. Instead, the study by M. Gary Neuman revealed that time spent away from home was the best predictor of infidelity. If you feel certain that your partner is having an affair, ask—just be aware that he or she will likely respond defensively, particularly if there is no clear “evidence” of infidelity.
There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for a lack of sexual desire, and no surefire remedy. The best solution for determining what may be affecting your partner’s sex drive is to communicate with your partner about what factors he or she thinks may be at work … and what you can do to help make sex more fulfilling and desirable for both of you.
Love Rules
Source: Stacey Colino - www.RealSimple.com
1. Say “I Love You” Every Day
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”
2. Play Hard to Get
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.
3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.
De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.
Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.
5. You Can Learn to Love Someone
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.
Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.
6. Never Go to Bed Angry
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.
7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.
Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.
8. There Is Such a Thing As Love at First Sight
Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist: False. Often it takes time for love to develop. For some people, physical chemistry plays such a big role at the outset that it is mistaken for love.
Schwartz: It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start.
Markman: You’ll quickly know if you’re attracted to each other, but not if you’re compatible or fit to stick together through tough times.
9. Always Keep Him Guessing
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: No, that’s tactical game playing, not love. It takes a lot of calculated effort and is dishonest.
Schwartz: It’s powerful and mysterious to be unpredictable, but it is also manipulative and can build resentment and anger and erode intimacy and respect.
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic.
10. You Can Never Be Too Close
Wachtel: False. Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted: Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close.
Markman: That’s absolutely true. Closeness―emotional intimacy―is the heart of a good marriage, so it’s important to talk about what closeness means to each of you.
11. Love Conquers All
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Unfortunately, this is not true. Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required.
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Sadly, it’s a myth. Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse.
12. Everyone Experiences the Seven-Year Itch
Schwartz: The itch is true, but it doesn’t necessarily take seven years to get there. Some people get divorced within a year or less if they’re convinced the marriage isn’t salvageable.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most partners will at some time think about divorce, but not necessarily in seven years. The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship.
13. The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach
De Angelis: The way to a man’s heart is through his heart. Men want a woman who is going to be a great friend and companion―and if they have to order takeout, so be it!
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: You’re off by about six inches. Sex is the direct way to a man’s heart.
The Panel
Greg Behrendt is a comedian and a coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $15).
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. , is a personal-development expert and the New York Times best-selling author of How Did I Get Here?: Finding Your Way to Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns (St. Martin’s Griffin, $14).
John Gray, Ph.D. , is a family therapist and the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Harper Paperbacks, $14).
Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at California State University, Sacramento, and the author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (iUniverse.com, $18).
Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist, a sex therapist, and a TV and radio personality. She is the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship, Second Edition (Alpha, $19).
Howard J. Markman, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver. He runs relationship-enhancing workshops (loveyourrelationship.com) and is a coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, $17).
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. , is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and a relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com. She is the author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (Collins Living, $16).
Ellen Wachtel, Ph.D. , is a psychologist in New York City who specializes in couples therapy. She is the author of We Love Each Other, But…: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (St. Martin’s Griffin, $15).
Sam Yagan is a co-founder of OkCupid.com, a free online-dating site.
1. Say “I Love You” Every Day
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”
2. Play Hard to Get
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.
3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.
De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.
Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.
5. You Can Learn to Love Someone
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.
Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.
6. Never Go to Bed Angry
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.
7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.
Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.
8. There Is Such a Thing As Love at First Sight
Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist: False. Often it takes time for love to develop. For some people, physical chemistry plays such a big role at the outset that it is mistaken for love.
Schwartz: It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start.
Markman: You’ll quickly know if you’re attracted to each other, but not if you’re compatible or fit to stick together through tough times.
9. Always Keep Him Guessing
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: No, that’s tactical game playing, not love. It takes a lot of calculated effort and is dishonest.
Schwartz: It’s powerful and mysterious to be unpredictable, but it is also manipulative and can build resentment and anger and erode intimacy and respect.
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic.
10. You Can Never Be Too Close
Wachtel: False. Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted: Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close.
Markman: That’s absolutely true. Closeness―emotional intimacy―is the heart of a good marriage, so it’s important to talk about what closeness means to each of you.
11. Love Conquers All
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Unfortunately, this is not true. Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required.
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Sadly, it’s a myth. Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse.
12. Everyone Experiences the Seven-Year Itch
Schwartz: The itch is true, but it doesn’t necessarily take seven years to get there. Some people get divorced within a year or less if they’re convinced the marriage isn’t salvageable.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most partners will at some time think about divorce, but not necessarily in seven years. The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship.
13. The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach
De Angelis: The way to a man’s heart is through his heart. Men want a woman who is going to be a great friend and companion―and if they have to order takeout, so be it!
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: You’re off by about six inches. Sex is the direct way to a man’s heart.
The Panel
Greg Behrendt is a comedian and a coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $15).
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. , is a personal-development expert and the New York Times best-selling author of How Did I Get Here?: Finding Your Way to Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns (St. Martin’s Griffin, $14).
John Gray, Ph.D. , is a family therapist and the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Harper Paperbacks, $14).
Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at California State University, Sacramento, and the author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (iUniverse.com, $18).
Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist, a sex therapist, and a TV and radio personality. She is the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship, Second Edition (Alpha, $19).
Howard J. Markman, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver. He runs relationship-enhancing workshops (loveyourrelationship.com) and is a coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, $17).
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. , is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and a relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com. She is the author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (Collins Living, $16).
Ellen Wachtel, Ph.D. , is a psychologist in New York City who specializes in couples therapy. She is the author of We Love Each Other, But…: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (St. Martin’s Griffin, $15).
Sam Yagan is a co-founder of OkCupid.com, a free online-dating site.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Way to Go Honey! Be a Cheerleader for Your Spouse
Source: Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative
The way you respond to your partner’s good news is an important predictor of the health and strength of your marriage. Researchers Shelly Gable, Gian Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman of the University of California, Los Angeles found that when close relationship partners consistently responded in positive, enthusiastic ways to the good things that happened to their partners, their relationships benefited. The person describing the positive event, called a discloser, reported feeling closer to, and more intimate with their spouse who was doing the listening. In addition, the discloser reported more overall satisfaction with their relationship.
How Do You Respond?
In their research, Gable, Gonzaga and Strachman identified four response patterns typically found in relationships:
Active–constructive (enthusiastic support)
Passive–constructive (quiet, understated support)
Active–destructive (demeaning the event)
Passive–destructive (ignoring the event)
Here’s an example of these response styles: Laura comes home from her job and proudly tells her husband Joe that she has been promoted to a position that will give her more money and more responsibility.
An active–constructive response from Joe might be, “Wow, Laura, that’s great news. Your skills and hard work are really paying off. Tell me everything your boss said.”
A passive–constructive response might be a warm smile from Joe and a brief comment like, “That’s nice, hon.”
An active–destructive response would be something like: “Are you really sure you want to work that hard? What about the kids? Your raise will just go to pay for more child care.”
A passive–destructive response ignores what Laura said altogether. “Hey, what’s for dinner? I had a pretty rough day and I’m hungry.”
Is One Response Better Than Another?
The UCLA researchers found that only active-constructive responses are associated with well-being and higher relationship quality. Here’s why. Sharing personal positive events provides great opportunities in a relationship for understanding, validation, and caring. According to Gable and her colleagues, “When an individual discloses a positive event to his or her partner, and the partner responds in an active-constructive manner, both partners experience positive emotions, and the relationship itself becomes stronger.” The commitment, marital satisfaction, increased intimacy and love, generated by active-constructive responses to a partner’s good news, become important relationship resources, to be drawn upon as needed in times of stress and challenge.
Powerful Relationship Vitamins
When individuals rate their partners as active and constructive responders, they:
feel more intimacy and trust.
are more satisfied with their relationships on a daily basis.
report fewer daily conflicts.
engage in more fun and relaxing activities on a daily basis.
Being There for your Spouse
Feeling that your partner is there for you when things go right in your life creates emotional safety and familiarity, and both are vital to strong, healthy relationships.
More Information: Gable, S., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.
The way you respond to your partner’s good news is an important predictor of the health and strength of your marriage. Researchers Shelly Gable, Gian Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman of the University of California, Los Angeles found that when close relationship partners consistently responded in positive, enthusiastic ways to the good things that happened to their partners, their relationships benefited. The person describing the positive event, called a discloser, reported feeling closer to, and more intimate with their spouse who was doing the listening. In addition, the discloser reported more overall satisfaction with their relationship.
How Do You Respond?
In their research, Gable, Gonzaga and Strachman identified four response patterns typically found in relationships:
Active–constructive (enthusiastic support)
Passive–constructive (quiet, understated support)
Active–destructive (demeaning the event)
Passive–destructive (ignoring the event)
Here’s an example of these response styles: Laura comes home from her job and proudly tells her husband Joe that she has been promoted to a position that will give her more money and more responsibility.
An active–constructive response from Joe might be, “Wow, Laura, that’s great news. Your skills and hard work are really paying off. Tell me everything your boss said.”
A passive–constructive response might be a warm smile from Joe and a brief comment like, “That’s nice, hon.”
An active–destructive response would be something like: “Are you really sure you want to work that hard? What about the kids? Your raise will just go to pay for more child care.”
A passive–destructive response ignores what Laura said altogether. “Hey, what’s for dinner? I had a pretty rough day and I’m hungry.”
Is One Response Better Than Another?
The UCLA researchers found that only active-constructive responses are associated with well-being and higher relationship quality. Here’s why. Sharing personal positive events provides great opportunities in a relationship for understanding, validation, and caring. According to Gable and her colleagues, “When an individual discloses a positive event to his or her partner, and the partner responds in an active-constructive manner, both partners experience positive emotions, and the relationship itself becomes stronger.” The commitment, marital satisfaction, increased intimacy and love, generated by active-constructive responses to a partner’s good news, become important relationship resources, to be drawn upon as needed in times of stress and challenge.
Powerful Relationship Vitamins
When individuals rate their partners as active and constructive responders, they:
feel more intimacy and trust.
are more satisfied with their relationships on a daily basis.
report fewer daily conflicts.
engage in more fun and relaxing activities on a daily basis.
Being There for your Spouse
Feeling that your partner is there for you when things go right in your life creates emotional safety and familiarity, and both are vital to strong, healthy relationships.
More Information: Gable, S., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.
Bridging Emotional Distance
Source:www.twoofus.org
The emotional connection between a couple acts as a bridge connecting two, distinct lives. When this connection is severed, passage to the other side can seem unreachable.
Over time, you find yourself farther and farther away from your partner. You may be unsure how you reached this point. You may question if you have the ability, or even the desire, to make the long trek back. If you knew your partner was waiting eagerly for you on the other side, you might feel more motivated. But the nature of emotional distance can make you afraid of the reception you might (or might not) receive.
What Causes Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance in a relationship can feel like a descent into quicksand: slow and seemingly unstoppable. Emotional distance can be caused by a number of factors including:
Conflict
Ongoing tension in the relationship can cause one or both partners to retreat emotionally.
Situational stress
Unemployment, grief, infertility, etc. can drain energy and lead to an emotional shutout.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with others
Family members, former partners and friends can all diminish our trust and skew our perception of love.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with you
If you have been insensitive or unresponsive in the past, your partner may be hesitant to open up again.
Gender differences
Men and women often communicate and interpret emotional intimacy differently.
Family or cultural differences
How love is expressed in different families or cultures can vary, resulting in differing expectations for what connectedness looks like.
Like struggling in quicksand, trying to force an emotional reconnection can sometimes make the situation worse. Here are some ways to address a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner while avoiding common communication pitfalls.
Addressing Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Watch where you step
Often, you can avoid sinkholes in your relationship merely by watching where you step. Know the communication styles that cause your partner to automatically tense up or withdraw … and don’t go there without a really good reason.
Relax
In quicksand, nothing causes you to sink as fast as a violent struggle. In distressing situations, our instinct is usually either “fight or flight.” Instead, take a deep breath and try to relax. Let your partner know that you feel emotionally disconnected from him/her and then ask if he or she feels the same way. Sometimes, what feels like distance to one partner may feel like the normal “settling in” of a relationship to the other.
In other situations, one partner is simply more verbal than the other or more prone to analyzing the relationship. For this person, even minor losses of intimacy can feel threatening. Remember that some people are more demonstrative in their expressions of love than others. Don’t automatically assume that because your partner doesn’t provide as many “obvious” expressions of love that love isn’t there.
If your partner doesn’t perceive the same degree of emotional distance, explore what may be causing this difference in perception. Tell your partner how much you value your emotional connection with him/her and that you would like to work on strengthening this bond. Let your partner know what makes you feel loved and secure … and be sure you understand and provide the same for your partner.
Drop your baggage
With real quicksand, only two things can cause you to fully sink: panic and excess baggage. The same goes for emotional distance. Let go of old hang-ups and resentments—particularly those that directly relate to your partner. It will be much easier to repair your connection without this excess weight.
Make slow, steady efforts to reconnect
Relationships often follow a demand-withdrawl pattern: the harder one person pushes for something, the more the other person resists. Be careful not to push so hard for “closeness” that you end up driving your partner farther away. Emotional distance in a relationship rarely develops overnight; expect that it will likewise require some time to rebuild your connection. Take small steps to reconnect with your partner—have regular date nights, maintain your physical connection, share activities together, and be sensitive in how you communicate.
Few things are as isolating as feeling “alone” in an intimate relationship. Your partner can never meet all your needs. However, it is important to build and preserve your bond as a couple. If you and your partner are unable to bridge the emotional distance in your relationship, consider working with a relationship professional to help you grow closer as a couple.
The emotional connection between a couple acts as a bridge connecting two, distinct lives. When this connection is severed, passage to the other side can seem unreachable.
Over time, you find yourself farther and farther away from your partner. You may be unsure how you reached this point. You may question if you have the ability, or even the desire, to make the long trek back. If you knew your partner was waiting eagerly for you on the other side, you might feel more motivated. But the nature of emotional distance can make you afraid of the reception you might (or might not) receive.
What Causes Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance in a relationship can feel like a descent into quicksand: slow and seemingly unstoppable. Emotional distance can be caused by a number of factors including:
Conflict
Ongoing tension in the relationship can cause one or both partners to retreat emotionally.
Situational stress
Unemployment, grief, infertility, etc. can drain energy and lead to an emotional shutout.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with others
Family members, former partners and friends can all diminish our trust and skew our perception of love.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with you
If you have been insensitive or unresponsive in the past, your partner may be hesitant to open up again.
Gender differences
Men and women often communicate and interpret emotional intimacy differently.
Family or cultural differences
How love is expressed in different families or cultures can vary, resulting in differing expectations for what connectedness looks like.
Like struggling in quicksand, trying to force an emotional reconnection can sometimes make the situation worse. Here are some ways to address a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner while avoiding common communication pitfalls.
Addressing Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Watch where you step
Often, you can avoid sinkholes in your relationship merely by watching where you step. Know the communication styles that cause your partner to automatically tense up or withdraw … and don’t go there without a really good reason.
Relax
In quicksand, nothing causes you to sink as fast as a violent struggle. In distressing situations, our instinct is usually either “fight or flight.” Instead, take a deep breath and try to relax. Let your partner know that you feel emotionally disconnected from him/her and then ask if he or she feels the same way. Sometimes, what feels like distance to one partner may feel like the normal “settling in” of a relationship to the other.
In other situations, one partner is simply more verbal than the other or more prone to analyzing the relationship. For this person, even minor losses of intimacy can feel threatening. Remember that some people are more demonstrative in their expressions of love than others. Don’t automatically assume that because your partner doesn’t provide as many “obvious” expressions of love that love isn’t there.
If your partner doesn’t perceive the same degree of emotional distance, explore what may be causing this difference in perception. Tell your partner how much you value your emotional connection with him/her and that you would like to work on strengthening this bond. Let your partner know what makes you feel loved and secure … and be sure you understand and provide the same for your partner.
Drop your baggage
With real quicksand, only two things can cause you to fully sink: panic and excess baggage. The same goes for emotional distance. Let go of old hang-ups and resentments—particularly those that directly relate to your partner. It will be much easier to repair your connection without this excess weight.
Make slow, steady efforts to reconnect
Relationships often follow a demand-withdrawl pattern: the harder one person pushes for something, the more the other person resists. Be careful not to push so hard for “closeness” that you end up driving your partner farther away. Emotional distance in a relationship rarely develops overnight; expect that it will likewise require some time to rebuild your connection. Take small steps to reconnect with your partner—have regular date nights, maintain your physical connection, share activities together, and be sensitive in how you communicate.
Few things are as isolating as feeling “alone” in an intimate relationship. Your partner can never meet all your needs. However, it is important to build and preserve your bond as a couple. If you and your partner are unable to bridge the emotional distance in your relationship, consider working with a relationship professional to help you grow closer as a couple.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Is My Marriage at its End?
Source:www.twoofus.org
Road out Ahead?
Are you second-guessing your decision to get married, or at least your choice of spouse? Perhaps you’ve had a major blowout. Or perhaps the everyday stressors of life—money, work, child care, etc.—have left gaping potholes in your relationship.
At present, the road to marital happiness may look impassable. But has your marriage really reached its end?
During hard times, divorce may seem unavoidable. As with most decisions in life, however, there is more than one path. Despite the frequency it appears on divorce petitions, relatively few marriages have truly irreconcilable differences—those “incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment.”
A major study by Linda Waite at the University of Chicago found that in so called unhappy marriages, almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. The researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happier.
Most problems in marriage can be successfully resolved … if you and your partner are both willing to do the work. Below are some common sources of marital strain and how to deal with each issue.
Common Marriage Problems
We’ve Grown Apart
“We just grew apart,” is one of the most common phrases heard among divorcing couples. People continue to grow and evolve over the years—sometimes in directions we don’t like. These changes, however, rarely happen overnight. And since married couples generally live under the same roof, these changes shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise. You may feel threatened by the changes in your spouse. You may feel that these changes don’t fit as neatly with who you are. But you don’t have to share every interest or personality trait as your spouse in order to have a strong marriage.
We’re Drowning Financially
You (or your spouse) may be contributing to your financial difficulties in the form of debt, unemployment or wasteful spending. However, the state of marriage itself is unlikely to be causing your money problems. Married couples are generally better off economically than their single counterparts. Take a hard look at your finances and create a plan with your spouse to improve your situation. If needed, look into debt consolidation or credit counseling.
I Got Married too Young
Some couples who marry young later regret their decision. If you are struggling with this feeling, communicate to your spouse that you love them but feel you missed out on some important experiences. Ask for his/her support in finding ways to achieve these goal(s) while protecting your marriage. Arrange to take that vacation, get that degree, or fulfill that long-cherished dream. Marriage does not have to be a barrier to personal fulfillment.
He/She/I Had an Affair
Few things have the potential to erode trust in a marriage as much as infidelity. If both parties are willing to work on rebuilding the relationship, however, even infidelity doesn’t have to result in divorce. For your marriage to recover, you will likely need the support of friends, family, a support group, or a professional counselor. Additionally, the cheating spouse will need to make amends and agree to accountability measures to prevent future infidelities. Additionally, the spouse who was betrayed must commit to learning to forgive his/her spouse.
My Spouse is Abusive
All forms of abuse are unacceptable, whether the abuse is in the form physical violence, sexual coercion, or cruelty. If you are an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). The conversation is anonymous and confidential and help is available 24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Do not put yourself in a situation that threatens your physical or psychological safety.
We Can’t/Don’t Communicate
We are taught how to speak, spell and write. However, most of us have never really been taught how to communicate. Marriage and relationship education can help enhance your communication with your spouse. For deep-rooted issues, a therapist can offer additional insight. Even if only one partner is willing to attend, counseling can often enhance marital satisfaction.
We’re No Longer “In Love”
Forget every sappy movie you have ever seen. Forget all the poetry you read in high school. Real love doesn’t always feel lovey-dovey. Love isn’t bliss. Love isn’t sexual excitement. True love is an act of will. Love may be the only miracle most of us are capable of producing on a regular basis. You may not feel the same rush of emotion that you once did, but you have the ability to continue feeling—and showing—love to your spouse.
All marriages eventually experience some road-blocks. However, with the help of your partner—and those around you—you have the ability to clear most of these obstacles. The road to marital happiness may sometimes be bumpy, but it is rarely impassable.
Road out Ahead?
Are you second-guessing your decision to get married, or at least your choice of spouse? Perhaps you’ve had a major blowout. Or perhaps the everyday stressors of life—money, work, child care, etc.—have left gaping potholes in your relationship.
At present, the road to marital happiness may look impassable. But has your marriage really reached its end?
During hard times, divorce may seem unavoidable. As with most decisions in life, however, there is more than one path. Despite the frequency it appears on divorce petitions, relatively few marriages have truly irreconcilable differences—those “incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment.”
A major study by Linda Waite at the University of Chicago found that in so called unhappy marriages, almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. The researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happier.
Most problems in marriage can be successfully resolved … if you and your partner are both willing to do the work. Below are some common sources of marital strain and how to deal with each issue.
Common Marriage Problems
We’ve Grown Apart
“We just grew apart,” is one of the most common phrases heard among divorcing couples. People continue to grow and evolve over the years—sometimes in directions we don’t like. These changes, however, rarely happen overnight. And since married couples generally live under the same roof, these changes shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise. You may feel threatened by the changes in your spouse. You may feel that these changes don’t fit as neatly with who you are. But you don’t have to share every interest or personality trait as your spouse in order to have a strong marriage.
We’re Drowning Financially
You (or your spouse) may be contributing to your financial difficulties in the form of debt, unemployment or wasteful spending. However, the state of marriage itself is unlikely to be causing your money problems. Married couples are generally better off economically than their single counterparts. Take a hard look at your finances and create a plan with your spouse to improve your situation. If needed, look into debt consolidation or credit counseling.
I Got Married too Young
Some couples who marry young later regret their decision. If you are struggling with this feeling, communicate to your spouse that you love them but feel you missed out on some important experiences. Ask for his/her support in finding ways to achieve these goal(s) while protecting your marriage. Arrange to take that vacation, get that degree, or fulfill that long-cherished dream. Marriage does not have to be a barrier to personal fulfillment.
He/She/I Had an Affair
Few things have the potential to erode trust in a marriage as much as infidelity. If both parties are willing to work on rebuilding the relationship, however, even infidelity doesn’t have to result in divorce. For your marriage to recover, you will likely need the support of friends, family, a support group, or a professional counselor. Additionally, the cheating spouse will need to make amends and agree to accountability measures to prevent future infidelities. Additionally, the spouse who was betrayed must commit to learning to forgive his/her spouse.
My Spouse is Abusive
All forms of abuse are unacceptable, whether the abuse is in the form physical violence, sexual coercion, or cruelty. If you are an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). The conversation is anonymous and confidential and help is available 24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Do not put yourself in a situation that threatens your physical or psychological safety.
We Can’t/Don’t Communicate
We are taught how to speak, spell and write. However, most of us have never really been taught how to communicate. Marriage and relationship education can help enhance your communication with your spouse. For deep-rooted issues, a therapist can offer additional insight. Even if only one partner is willing to attend, counseling can often enhance marital satisfaction.
We’re No Longer “In Love”
Forget every sappy movie you have ever seen. Forget all the poetry you read in high school. Real love doesn’t always feel lovey-dovey. Love isn’t bliss. Love isn’t sexual excitement. True love is an act of will. Love may be the only miracle most of us are capable of producing on a regular basis. You may not feel the same rush of emotion that you once did, but you have the ability to continue feeling—and showing—love to your spouse.
All marriages eventually experience some road-blocks. However, with the help of your partner—and those around you—you have the ability to clear most of these obstacles. The road to marital happiness may sometimes be bumpy, but it is rarely impassable.
Managing a Long Distance Relationship with Your Fiance
Source:www.twoofus.org
Long distance relationships are more common than ever and can vary from couple to couple. When you are planning to get married and are physically separated it doesn’t matter if you’re 200 miles apart or half way around the globe. Reasons for separation may include military deployment, job relocation, professional training, attending college, family or other circumstances. Maintaining an intimate bond with your fiancé while many miles separate you can be a challenge. Establish clear expectations and boundaries to stay connected and ensure that you both maintain a satisfying relationship. This takes trust, good communication and some creativity.
Define Expectations before the Separation
Regardless of whether the news of separation came before or after your engagement, it is important to discuss your plans for after you are reunited. The specific date of reunification is not always within your control, but it should be a topic of conversation and something you are both preparing for and working toward. Being separated indefinitely adds additional stress and uncertainty to any relationship. Discuss and set boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex and respect what you fiancé is or is not comfortable with. Understand each others’ expectations for individual and group social interaction and plan how best to communicate regularly.
Schedule Regular “Date Nights”
Dating doesn’t have to be in person. The purpose of a date is to get to know one another better, share the same experience and have fun. Talk about how you might be able to connect with one another. If your fiancé is deployed for the military, he/she might be very limited in the amount of time spent corresponding with you. If your partner is attending college in another state or on an extended business trip, regular “date nights” might be easier. Decide what works for you as a couple and what is reasonable based on your specific circumstances such as the frequency of the “dates” (once a week, once a month, etc.) and method for connecting (online chat, skype, phone, email, etc.). It is important to not only take a close look at what makes sense to you, but also to understand how your fiancé feels. Your individual expectations may be very different so it is crucial that you compromise, take appropriate actions, and stick to it!
Schedule In-person Visits
Phone calls and emails are generally not enough to maintain a close bond over an extended period of time. Communication is a key component, but spending time together is also very important for engaged couples (to the extent possible in your situation). Do the things you enjoy as a couple and develop traditions.
When you’re together, have fun! The time usually flies by but make sure you schedule time to talk about the wedding, life (work, finances, family, etc.) and any issues that may have arisen between the two of you (which are usually better resolved in person). Although scheduling time to talk about serious or pressing issues isn’t fun, learning to do it can strengthen your future marriage. Although you don’t want to put a damper on the limited amount of time you might see each other face-to-face, you don’t want to postpone necessary discussions indefinitely.
Be Creative with your Interactions
Think of some unique ways to connect with your partner. Surprise your fiancé with an “I Love You” ad in the classifieds section of his/her local newspaper. Leave detailed voice messages or a video message so your partner can hear/see you. During a virtual date night, rent the same movie, watch it at the same time and talk about it afterwards. Write letters and send care packages. Not only will your fiancé have something physical to remind him/her of you, but this action demonstrates that you took extra time (above and beyond a quick email or phone call) to make him or her feel special.
Trust and Be Trusted
As hard as it may be at times, try not to make assumptions about what your fiancé is doing when you aren’t around. On the same token, you want to give him/her every reason to maintain trust in you. Don’t put yourself in risky situations. Use discretion when spending time with members of the opposite sex. If your fiancé were there, would this interaction make him/her uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, it would be wise to avoid those situations.
Understand that people and circumstances are continually changing, and that being separated may mean you are each having different life experiences. Talk about these and learn to grow together through your experiences. Effective and frequent communication should alleviate any insecurities you may have.
Staying connected to your fiancé while being physically apart is possible. It is important to openly discuss the boundaries and expectations you each have for your relationship and maintain open lines of communication. And remember, stay creative!
Long distance relationships are more common than ever and can vary from couple to couple. When you are planning to get married and are physically separated it doesn’t matter if you’re 200 miles apart or half way around the globe. Reasons for separation may include military deployment, job relocation, professional training, attending college, family or other circumstances. Maintaining an intimate bond with your fiancé while many miles separate you can be a challenge. Establish clear expectations and boundaries to stay connected and ensure that you both maintain a satisfying relationship. This takes trust, good communication and some creativity.
Define Expectations before the Separation
Regardless of whether the news of separation came before or after your engagement, it is important to discuss your plans for after you are reunited. The specific date of reunification is not always within your control, but it should be a topic of conversation and something you are both preparing for and working toward. Being separated indefinitely adds additional stress and uncertainty to any relationship. Discuss and set boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex and respect what you fiancé is or is not comfortable with. Understand each others’ expectations for individual and group social interaction and plan how best to communicate regularly.
Schedule Regular “Date Nights”
Dating doesn’t have to be in person. The purpose of a date is to get to know one another better, share the same experience and have fun. Talk about how you might be able to connect with one another. If your fiancé is deployed for the military, he/she might be very limited in the amount of time spent corresponding with you. If your partner is attending college in another state or on an extended business trip, regular “date nights” might be easier. Decide what works for you as a couple and what is reasonable based on your specific circumstances such as the frequency of the “dates” (once a week, once a month, etc.) and method for connecting (online chat, skype, phone, email, etc.). It is important to not only take a close look at what makes sense to you, but also to understand how your fiancé feels. Your individual expectations may be very different so it is crucial that you compromise, take appropriate actions, and stick to it!
Schedule In-person Visits
Phone calls and emails are generally not enough to maintain a close bond over an extended period of time. Communication is a key component, but spending time together is also very important for engaged couples (to the extent possible in your situation). Do the things you enjoy as a couple and develop traditions.
When you’re together, have fun! The time usually flies by but make sure you schedule time to talk about the wedding, life (work, finances, family, etc.) and any issues that may have arisen between the two of you (which are usually better resolved in person). Although scheduling time to talk about serious or pressing issues isn’t fun, learning to do it can strengthen your future marriage. Although you don’t want to put a damper on the limited amount of time you might see each other face-to-face, you don’t want to postpone necessary discussions indefinitely.
Be Creative with your Interactions
Think of some unique ways to connect with your partner. Surprise your fiancé with an “I Love You” ad in the classifieds section of his/her local newspaper. Leave detailed voice messages or a video message so your partner can hear/see you. During a virtual date night, rent the same movie, watch it at the same time and talk about it afterwards. Write letters and send care packages. Not only will your fiancé have something physical to remind him/her of you, but this action demonstrates that you took extra time (above and beyond a quick email or phone call) to make him or her feel special.
Trust and Be Trusted
As hard as it may be at times, try not to make assumptions about what your fiancé is doing when you aren’t around. On the same token, you want to give him/her every reason to maintain trust in you. Don’t put yourself in risky situations. Use discretion when spending time with members of the opposite sex. If your fiancé were there, would this interaction make him/her uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, it would be wise to avoid those situations.
Understand that people and circumstances are continually changing, and that being separated may mean you are each having different life experiences. Talk about these and learn to grow together through your experiences. Effective and frequent communication should alleviate any insecurities you may have.
Staying connected to your fiancé while being physically apart is possible. It is important to openly discuss the boundaries and expectations you each have for your relationship and maintain open lines of communication. And remember, stay creative!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Married Discussion: Weathering Storms in Your Marriage
Source:www.twoofus.org
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
- James Thurber
Bankruptcy, chronic illness, adultery, poor communication and other trials have destroyed many marriages. But other marriages have weathered similar storms and emerged intact. What helps carry one marriage through seemingly impossible circumstances while others crash on the rocks? Do you have what is necessary to see your marriage through hard times? Is love really something you have to “go through” with someone?
Marriage is more than an act of love—it is an act of will. And in times of trial, it may take all the strength you have to fight for your marriage. But while few marriages emerge totally unscarred by tempests, many do emerge stronger—and smarter—from the lessons learned from conflict.
Disappointment in a marriage is incredibly painful—our partner is often the one we expect to lean on during hard times. So when our partner fails us, the emotional fallout is all the more damaging.
Trials may batter your marriage and test your resolve. If you are committed to seeing your marriage through tough times, you will need to summon all your strength. Below are some ways to help you weather crises in your relationship:
Stockpile forgiveness—You will both need it throughout the course of your marriage.
Don’t let bitterness erode your marriage—Deal with issues when they first arise.
Strengthen your defenses—Develop personal character, patience and understanding.
Avoid sinkholes—Debt, addiction and infidelity all bring strain to a relationship.
Don’t dig up old debris—Trust is not quickly rebuilt, but constantly digging up past wounds traps both you and your partner in old wreckage and diminishes your present happiness.
Call upon forces greater than yourself—People in life-threatening crises are not shy about asking for help, whether from a higher power, a support group or a trusted friend—people in marital crises shouldn’t be shy about calling upon these same sources of strength.
Don’t be a casualty—If your spouse is abusive, seek help immediately.
Take ownership for your actions—Acknowledge that your words and conduct can wound your spouse.
Count your blessings—During times of conflict, it can be hard to remember what is good about your relationship; reminding yourself of your partner’s positive traits and the good times you have shared can help you keep a balanced perspective.
Remember habits are hard to unlearn—Change is possible, but most bad habits and attitudes take time to “unlearn”—understand that a relapse is possible.
Be emotionally resilient—Don’t let petty frustrations wear you out.
Don’t expect miracles from a mortal—Even the best men and women will fail each other; ask yourself if your frustrations are based on realistic expectations—if not, be prepared to release your partner from this unfair burden.
Build on a good foundation—Relationships founded on common values and mutual respect have the best chance of surviving hardships; it is never too late to fortify the base of your relationship.
Maybe you aren’t willing to accept Thuber’s description of love as something you have to “go through” with another person. The concept may offend your romantic sensibilities, even depress you. Whether or not you agree with Thuber’s definition, the fact is all long-term relationships will experience some level of hardship.
Acknowledging the inevitability of conflict in your marriage does not mean you have to relinquish your vision of an incredible marriage. It just means that a little rain may fall, at least for a while, on that vision. Whether this rain simply makes you muddy and angry—or whether you allow the rain to accomplish a good work in your marriage—is largely up to you.
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
- James Thurber
Bankruptcy, chronic illness, adultery, poor communication and other trials have destroyed many marriages. But other marriages have weathered similar storms and emerged intact. What helps carry one marriage through seemingly impossible circumstances while others crash on the rocks? Do you have what is necessary to see your marriage through hard times? Is love really something you have to “go through” with someone?
Marriage is more than an act of love—it is an act of will. And in times of trial, it may take all the strength you have to fight for your marriage. But while few marriages emerge totally unscarred by tempests, many do emerge stronger—and smarter—from the lessons learned from conflict.
Disappointment in a marriage is incredibly painful—our partner is often the one we expect to lean on during hard times. So when our partner fails us, the emotional fallout is all the more damaging.
Trials may batter your marriage and test your resolve. If you are committed to seeing your marriage through tough times, you will need to summon all your strength. Below are some ways to help you weather crises in your relationship:
Stockpile forgiveness—You will both need it throughout the course of your marriage.
Don’t let bitterness erode your marriage—Deal with issues when they first arise.
Strengthen your defenses—Develop personal character, patience and understanding.
Avoid sinkholes—Debt, addiction and infidelity all bring strain to a relationship.
Don’t dig up old debris—Trust is not quickly rebuilt, but constantly digging up past wounds traps both you and your partner in old wreckage and diminishes your present happiness.
Call upon forces greater than yourself—People in life-threatening crises are not shy about asking for help, whether from a higher power, a support group or a trusted friend—people in marital crises shouldn’t be shy about calling upon these same sources of strength.
Don’t be a casualty—If your spouse is abusive, seek help immediately.
Take ownership for your actions—Acknowledge that your words and conduct can wound your spouse.
Count your blessings—During times of conflict, it can be hard to remember what is good about your relationship; reminding yourself of your partner’s positive traits and the good times you have shared can help you keep a balanced perspective.
Remember habits are hard to unlearn—Change is possible, but most bad habits and attitudes take time to “unlearn”—understand that a relapse is possible.
Be emotionally resilient—Don’t let petty frustrations wear you out.
Don’t expect miracles from a mortal—Even the best men and women will fail each other; ask yourself if your frustrations are based on realistic expectations—if not, be prepared to release your partner from this unfair burden.
Build on a good foundation—Relationships founded on common values and mutual respect have the best chance of surviving hardships; it is never too late to fortify the base of your relationship.
Maybe you aren’t willing to accept Thuber’s description of love as something you have to “go through” with another person. The concept may offend your romantic sensibilities, even depress you. Whether or not you agree with Thuber’s definition, the fact is all long-term relationships will experience some level of hardship.
Acknowledging the inevitability of conflict in your marriage does not mean you have to relinquish your vision of an incredible marriage. It just means that a little rain may fall, at least for a while, on that vision. Whether this rain simply makes you muddy and angry—or whether you allow the rain to accomplish a good work in your marriage—is largely up to you.
Committed Relationship: Top 10 Challenges Couples Face in Forming & Sustaining Healthy Relationships & Marriages
Source:www.twoofus.org
1. Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what “healthy” looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship.
2. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship.
3. Lack of Communication Skills: “Learning how to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings (even when different from one another), how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don’t even want to try is the challenge.” ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY
4. Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to “unlearn” old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions.
5. Media Influence on Participants' Perception of Healthy Relationships -- what healthy relationships look like and how to achieve them.
6. Addictive Behaviors
7. Lack of Introspection or Willingness to Look at Individual Issues that Need to Change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure and do not identify a target for personal behavior change.
8. Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc.
9. Finances: Poor credit; lack of money management knowledge; using money as a power differential; debt; child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships; fear of committing to relationship without having everything “together” financially; or no clear plan for getting things “together” financially.
10. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. “Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.
1. Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what “healthy” looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship.
2. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship.
3. Lack of Communication Skills: “Learning how to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings (even when different from one another), how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don’t even want to try is the challenge.” ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY
4. Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to “unlearn” old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions.
5. Media Influence on Participants' Perception of Healthy Relationships -- what healthy relationships look like and how to achieve them.
6. Addictive Behaviors
7. Lack of Introspection or Willingness to Look at Individual Issues that Need to Change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure and do not identify a target for personal behavior change.
8. Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc.
9. Finances: Poor credit; lack of money management knowledge; using money as a power differential; debt; child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships; fear of committing to relationship without having everything “together” financially; or no clear plan for getting things “together” financially.
10. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. “Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Married Discussion: Learning Languages of Love in Marriage
Source: University of Arkansas
Love is more than words. It is more than an occasional gift. Love is a commitment to another person that shows itself in our willingness to adapt to and cooperate with another person. It is hard work. When we are first courting a person, we are delighted that someone notices us and cares about us. Every gift is cherished. As the years pass, it requires more than any-old-gift to show genuine love. But, if we have been paying attention, we know more about what is important to our partner. We are better at loving.
Loving is the most rewarding thing a person can do. It is rewarding not only in that it provides us companionship with another person, it is also rewarding because, in the process of coming to understand and work with another person, we become more sensitive, tender and unselfish. It makes us become better humans.
Some people may think that the great evidence of love is the oft-repeated words: "I love you." But love is more than words. It requires us to notice what is important to our partners. For example, if you were to give a very expensive dog to your partner as a gift, it would only be an effective evidence of love if your partner wanted a dog. For many partners such a gift would be a sign of insensitivity.
People like to be shown love in different ways. These different ways might be thought of as different languages of love. When we really love another person, we study what is important to him or her. We customize our messages of love to fit our partner's preferences.
One language of love is telling. Some people love to hear words of affection. "I love you." "I enjoy being with you." "You mean so much to me." Some people want to hear such words every day, maybe even several times every day. Yet some people think that words are not enough or are not a meaningful demonstration of love.
Another language is showing. Some people want to see love in action. "If you love me, help me around the house." "If you love me, make time to be with me." "Show me your love by the way you help with the children." For some people, actions speak much louder than words.
Another language is touching. Some people love to hug and cuddle. They appreciate a partner who holds his or her hand. They may like to sit close. Physical closeness is important to them.
Most people do not want love in just one language; we all have a combination of languages of love. One may prefer showing with occasional telling. Another may want a lot of hugging with regular doses of showing. We may discover another person's language of love by noticing how that person shows love, noticing how that person has preferred to receive love, or asking what that person enjoys.
There are other powerful languages of love: taking time and showing understanding. These two languages are so important that a separate unit is dedicated to each of them. Since languages of love are also important in our relationships with our children, there are units on that subject in this series.
Gladly accept your partner's efforts to show you love while sending clear messages about your preferences. Sometimes we become impatient with our partner's efforts to show us love. Sometimes our languages are so different from each other that it is hard for either of us to get the message through. We can choose to appreciate our partners' best efforts, and we can keep trying to be more effective in our own efforts to show love.
Loving takes effort. That is good news! Real love requires a real commitment and leads to real growth. You can never show love perfectly, but you can keep trying. The willingness to keep trying is part of the message of love.
Applications:
As you try to discover how to best show your love for your partner, consider your relationship history. When have you felt closest to each other? When has each of you felt most loved by the other? How can you build such relationship-building time into your relationship now? Discuss this with your partner. What are the ways that your partner can best show love to you? What are the clearest signs of his or her love? What additional ways would you like your partner to show you love? Let your partner know your preferences. Sometimes we make ourselves unavailable for love to our partner by ignoring or discounting the ways he or she shows love. "He says he loves me but he never shows it." "If she really cared she would understand my feelings." If we do not accept our partner's best effort, we may discourage him or her from trying. What are some ways that your partner tries to show his or her love?
Love is more than words. It is more than an occasional gift. Love is a commitment to another person that shows itself in our willingness to adapt to and cooperate with another person. It is hard work. When we are first courting a person, we are delighted that someone notices us and cares about us. Every gift is cherished. As the years pass, it requires more than any-old-gift to show genuine love. But, if we have been paying attention, we know more about what is important to our partner. We are better at loving.
Loving is the most rewarding thing a person can do. It is rewarding not only in that it provides us companionship with another person, it is also rewarding because, in the process of coming to understand and work with another person, we become more sensitive, tender and unselfish. It makes us become better humans.
Some people may think that the great evidence of love is the oft-repeated words: "I love you." But love is more than words. It requires us to notice what is important to our partners. For example, if you were to give a very expensive dog to your partner as a gift, it would only be an effective evidence of love if your partner wanted a dog. For many partners such a gift would be a sign of insensitivity.
People like to be shown love in different ways. These different ways might be thought of as different languages of love. When we really love another person, we study what is important to him or her. We customize our messages of love to fit our partner's preferences.
One language of love is telling. Some people love to hear words of affection. "I love you." "I enjoy being with you." "You mean so much to me." Some people want to hear such words every day, maybe even several times every day. Yet some people think that words are not enough or are not a meaningful demonstration of love.
Another language is showing. Some people want to see love in action. "If you love me, help me around the house." "If you love me, make time to be with me." "Show me your love by the way you help with the children." For some people, actions speak much louder than words.
Another language is touching. Some people love to hug and cuddle. They appreciate a partner who holds his or her hand. They may like to sit close. Physical closeness is important to them.
Most people do not want love in just one language; we all have a combination of languages of love. One may prefer showing with occasional telling. Another may want a lot of hugging with regular doses of showing. We may discover another person's language of love by noticing how that person shows love, noticing how that person has preferred to receive love, or asking what that person enjoys.
There are other powerful languages of love: taking time and showing understanding. These two languages are so important that a separate unit is dedicated to each of them. Since languages of love are also important in our relationships with our children, there are units on that subject in this series.
Gladly accept your partner's efforts to show you love while sending clear messages about your preferences. Sometimes we become impatient with our partner's efforts to show us love. Sometimes our languages are so different from each other that it is hard for either of us to get the message through. We can choose to appreciate our partners' best efforts, and we can keep trying to be more effective in our own efforts to show love.
Loving takes effort. That is good news! Real love requires a real commitment and leads to real growth. You can never show love perfectly, but you can keep trying. The willingness to keep trying is part of the message of love.
Applications:
As you try to discover how to best show your love for your partner, consider your relationship history. When have you felt closest to each other? When has each of you felt most loved by the other? How can you build such relationship-building time into your relationship now? Discuss this with your partner. What are the ways that your partner can best show love to you? What are the clearest signs of his or her love? What additional ways would you like your partner to show you love? Let your partner know your preferences. Sometimes we make ourselves unavailable for love to our partner by ignoring or discounting the ways he or she shows love. "He says he loves me but he never shows it." "If she really cared she would understand my feelings." If we do not accept our partner's best effort, we may discourage him or her from trying. What are some ways that your partner tries to show his or her love?
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