Source: www.twoofus.org
Is romance dead? That depends on your definition of the word. Do you consider heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, candle-lit dinners and walks on the beach at sunset romantic? Perhaps you do, or maybe you believe romance can be incorporated into everyday occurrences like giving your special someone a quick neck/foot massage, tickets to a sporting event/concert, or a book by his or her favorite author “just because.”
Ironically while ‘love’ has existed for centuries, the idea of ‘romance’ is relatively new to humanity. In fact, courting rituals such as reciting flowery poetry and singing serenades became common practice in medieval times when men began following the lead of lovelorn characters in stage productions and written verse. By the dawn of the Victorian Era (1837), romantic love was viewed as the primary requirement for marriage and courting became an art form among the upper classes.
But is it realistic to expect the same romantic gestures told in fairy tales (or in Jane Austen favorites) to be applicable for today’s society and marriage expectations?
If you go in search of ‘how to be romantic’ on the internet or in books, you’ll find lists of ‘stuff’ that has been very popular in recent decades, such as flowers, candy, love letters, candlelit dinners and poetry. And while some still consider these things to be romantic, perhaps romance has evolved. In today’s world, there are endless ways to conjure up romance in your relationship. Perhaps taking a hike, having a picnic, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace while watching the Super Bowl, or working a crossword puzzle over coffee will melt your significant other’s heart. Or maybe your spouse simply wants genuine affection, or to feel appreciated and respected. The key is figuring out what your spouse thinks is romantic.
You may want to give some thought to how you and your spouse express how much you love and care about each other.
If you feel romance-deprived, first decide what you actually want and need in the way of romance. To determine this, here’s an intriguing activity to do with your spouse:
Take time to sit down and write out 10 romantic scenarios. There are no right or wrong answers - let your imagination run wild and think outside the box. If you let yourself be creative you will come up with some very romantic and “stimulating” ideas. Ask your spouse to do the same. Don’t rush this process; in fact, give each other a few days if necessary. After you both have your 10 ideas written down, number them in order from most romantic (#1) to least (#10) but keep the order of importance to yourself.
Next, plan a date to sit down and share your romantic thoughts and ideas. Try to guess the order of your spouse’s list. This can be a fun and eye-opening experience as you will begin to understand what romance really means to each of you.
In closing, consider this: Romance isn’t dead – with just a little thought and communication, you and your spouse can easily stay on the same “romance” page.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Committed Relationship Discussion: Learn to Forgive...Before You Marry
Source: www.twoofus.org
Forgiveness is a vital—if learned—skill for surviving any relationship, especially marriage.
Working through forgiveness issues at any stage can make you feel vulnerable. However, working through such issues after marriage—particularly if the issues involve your spouse—can make you feel even more exposed. In marriage, the emotional stakes are even higher and there is less space to “hide” in the relationship. That’s why processing through any resentments—whether old or new—is so crucial prior to marriage.
Before you marry, re-examine any old wounds that could impact your relationship. Whether the wounds were inflicted by your fiancé—or someone else—these wounds could easily rupture under the strain of a new marriage. Even if your issues do not directly pertain to your fiancé, your future spouse will be likely be affected by any bitterness you are carrying. We cannot fully repress old injuries; one way or another, these wounds bleed out into our actions and attitudes.
To forgive, we must first admit the injury—to ourselves and usually to the person who wounded us. Once we have acknowledged our pain, we can begin to move forward. Below are some steps to help you work through your injuries and begin the process of forgiveness.
Learning to Forgive
Cultivate compassion
Compassion is often the last thing we want to give a person who hurt us. But in order to forgive—and therefore, set ourselves free from bitterness—we must be able to see some measure of humanity in our offenders. Struggling to find any redemptive traits in the person who hurt you? Remember that the person likely bears scars of their own—perhaps ones you don’t even know about—that affect how they interact with others. This does not excuse their wrong behavior, but it may allow you to feel just enough empathy to make forgiveness possible.
Process through deep wounds before you seek an apology
You may not feel the need to seek an apology for every broken relationship (for example, in the case of ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends). But if the person who hurt you is someone you still want in your life, you may need to discuss the matter with them in order to move on in the relationship. For significant wounds, spend time processing through the pain—privately, or with the support of a trustworthy friend or a professional therapist—before you confront the injuring party. This will allow you to defuse some of the most combustible emotions associated with the pain before re-engaging with the person. Journaling about the pain or sharing your feelings with a therapist may also give you some sense of closure.
Take a time out
For relatively smaller issues, it may still be best to take some time to cool down first. This will allow you to be more objective in your confrontation and to be more articulate about what is really bothering you. Not every injury is intentional—try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially in relation to lesser offenses. Or better yet, ask the person to clarify what they meant by their words or actions to make sure you are accurately interpreting their behavior.
Be specific about the nature of the injury
Avoid phrases like, “You never …” and “You always ….” Often, these statements are an exaggeration and will put the other person on the defensive or make it easier for them to dismiss your claims. Try to pinpoint specific words or actions that hurt you and share how those words or actions made you feel.
Avoid character accusations and name-calling
Do not make sweeping accusations about the person’s character (e.g., “You are a terrible person”) and never resort to name-calling. Such tactics are not always fair and almost always provoke a hostile reaction from the other person. You may experience a momentary sense of vindication by using such language, but it will not help you get what you are really looking for—a validation of your feelings and some expression of remorse by the person who hurt you.
Understand that forgiveness is often an ongoing process
Even after the confrontation, you may still find yourself battling feelings of resentment. The apology, if any, may have been unsatisfying. Even if the apology was satisfactory, you may still find old feelings of resentment popping up from time to time. Simply acknowledge the pain as it surfaces and renew your inner pledge to forgive. Forgiveness may not come instantaneously, but by renewing your commitment to forgive, your purge your heart—and your future marriage—of potential toxins.
Forgiveness is a vital—if learned—skill for surviving any relationship, especially marriage.
Working through forgiveness issues at any stage can make you feel vulnerable. However, working through such issues after marriage—particularly if the issues involve your spouse—can make you feel even more exposed. In marriage, the emotional stakes are even higher and there is less space to “hide” in the relationship. That’s why processing through any resentments—whether old or new—is so crucial prior to marriage.
Before you marry, re-examine any old wounds that could impact your relationship. Whether the wounds were inflicted by your fiancé—or someone else—these wounds could easily rupture under the strain of a new marriage. Even if your issues do not directly pertain to your fiancé, your future spouse will be likely be affected by any bitterness you are carrying. We cannot fully repress old injuries; one way or another, these wounds bleed out into our actions and attitudes.
To forgive, we must first admit the injury—to ourselves and usually to the person who wounded us. Once we have acknowledged our pain, we can begin to move forward. Below are some steps to help you work through your injuries and begin the process of forgiveness.
Learning to Forgive
Cultivate compassion
Compassion is often the last thing we want to give a person who hurt us. But in order to forgive—and therefore, set ourselves free from bitterness—we must be able to see some measure of humanity in our offenders. Struggling to find any redemptive traits in the person who hurt you? Remember that the person likely bears scars of their own—perhaps ones you don’t even know about—that affect how they interact with others. This does not excuse their wrong behavior, but it may allow you to feel just enough empathy to make forgiveness possible.
Process through deep wounds before you seek an apology
You may not feel the need to seek an apology for every broken relationship (for example, in the case of ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends). But if the person who hurt you is someone you still want in your life, you may need to discuss the matter with them in order to move on in the relationship. For significant wounds, spend time processing through the pain—privately, or with the support of a trustworthy friend or a professional therapist—before you confront the injuring party. This will allow you to defuse some of the most combustible emotions associated with the pain before re-engaging with the person. Journaling about the pain or sharing your feelings with a therapist may also give you some sense of closure.
Take a time out
For relatively smaller issues, it may still be best to take some time to cool down first. This will allow you to be more objective in your confrontation and to be more articulate about what is really bothering you. Not every injury is intentional—try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially in relation to lesser offenses. Or better yet, ask the person to clarify what they meant by their words or actions to make sure you are accurately interpreting their behavior.
Be specific about the nature of the injury
Avoid phrases like, “You never …” and “You always ….” Often, these statements are an exaggeration and will put the other person on the defensive or make it easier for them to dismiss your claims. Try to pinpoint specific words or actions that hurt you and share how those words or actions made you feel.
Avoid character accusations and name-calling
Do not make sweeping accusations about the person’s character (e.g., “You are a terrible person”) and never resort to name-calling. Such tactics are not always fair and almost always provoke a hostile reaction from the other person. You may experience a momentary sense of vindication by using such language, but it will not help you get what you are really looking for—a validation of your feelings and some expression of remorse by the person who hurt you.
Understand that forgiveness is often an ongoing process
Even after the confrontation, you may still find yourself battling feelings of resentment. The apology, if any, may have been unsatisfying. Even if the apology was satisfactory, you may still find old feelings of resentment popping up from time to time. Simply acknowledge the pain as it surfaces and renew your inner pledge to forgive. Forgiveness may not come instantaneously, but by renewing your commitment to forgive, your purge your heart—and your future marriage—of potential toxins.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Committed Relationship Discussion: Before You Say I Do
Source: Ohio State University
When the love bug strikes and two individuals begin to plan their lives together, what kind of questions do they ask? “What month do we want to get married in? Who should be invited to the wedding? What colors are we going to use? What kind of food do we want to serve?” The list goes on with details that will help make this day a very special memory for years to come. However, sometimes the planning for the wedding overshadows the preparation for the marriage, and important issues are ignored. “How do we manage conflict? Who is going to handle the money? How will the roles and responsibilities be divided? Where are we going to spend the holidays?” These are all questions that should be considered and discussed with your partner at some time during the courtship and before you both commit to marriage.
Forming a Lasting Marriage
What can be done to help individuals form a lasting and fulfilling marriage? There is a multitude of advice and opinions from television and radio talk show hosts, magazine articles and, of course, our peers. But a solid body of current research focuses on the period before couples say, “I do.” Dr. Jeffry H. Larson is a researcher and author who has devised a scientific method for increasing your chances for success. His book, Should We Stay Together?, is a wonderful resource for any couple considering marriage. Dr. Larson identifies more than two dozen specifics that contribute to marital satisfaction and help readers evaluate the relationship’s assets and liabilities. He debunks some common myths such as “love is enough,” “living together will prepare us for marriage,” and “you’re my one and only.” As a marriage and family therapist for more than 20 years, Dr. Larson has observed that many couples in marital therapy trace their current marriage problems back to the pre-marital relationship. This makes it all the more important that couples planning to marry take the time to better prepare themselves for a lifetime of togetherness.
Questions to Ask
Below are a few thoughts for you and your partner to consider and discuss before committing to marriage. Answer the following questions for yourself, using as much time as necessary to consider each issue fully and making notes of your responses and reactions. Also, share the exercise with your partner and allow him or her to consider it privately. Afterwards, schedule a time and place to discuss your responses in an environment that is free from distractions and stress.
Why am I getting married? Why am I choosing to share my life, resources and dreams with this person? What has brought me to this point in my life? Why is this the time?
Do my parents, friends, peers or co-workers support my choice or are they concerned for my welfare? How do I feel about their apprehension? Have I really made a good choice for me or have I compromised my values because I hope things will get better?
What does commitment mean to me? Do I have a role model to follow who helps me see how to navigate through the tough times? What changes do I expect to see after the wedding?
How do I handle conflict? Am I willing to face the situation and discuss options, or do I ignore the facts and hope they will go away? Can I talk about my anger or disappointment with my partner and can we reach a compromise? Can we come to an agreement about how to deal with our problems—a way to communicate that does not include violence, put-downs or walking away without resolving the issues?
What are the common goals and dreams we want to achieve? Where will we live? How many children do we want? Who will clean the toilet and take out the trash? Who will handle the money? How many credit cards will we have? How much money will we save from each paycheck? What color will the bedroom be? Where will we spend the holidays?
What kind of marriage do I want? How happy am I in this relationship? Who is responsible for my happiness? How much fun do we have on our dates? Do I have fond memories of our courtship?
Take Your Time
Every person and every relationship is different. Slow down and take time to think through these and other issues you may not have considered. Give yourselves the gift of time and the reassurance that you are the right person for this commitment. If the above questions raised concerns or issues that you and your partner haven’t discussed or thought about, maybe the relationship needs more time before you say, “I do.”
When the love bug strikes and two individuals begin to plan their lives together, what kind of questions do they ask? “What month do we want to get married in? Who should be invited to the wedding? What colors are we going to use? What kind of food do we want to serve?” The list goes on with details that will help make this day a very special memory for years to come. However, sometimes the planning for the wedding overshadows the preparation for the marriage, and important issues are ignored. “How do we manage conflict? Who is going to handle the money? How will the roles and responsibilities be divided? Where are we going to spend the holidays?” These are all questions that should be considered and discussed with your partner at some time during the courtship and before you both commit to marriage.
Forming a Lasting Marriage
What can be done to help individuals form a lasting and fulfilling marriage? There is a multitude of advice and opinions from television and radio talk show hosts, magazine articles and, of course, our peers. But a solid body of current research focuses on the period before couples say, “I do.” Dr. Jeffry H. Larson is a researcher and author who has devised a scientific method for increasing your chances for success. His book, Should We Stay Together?, is a wonderful resource for any couple considering marriage. Dr. Larson identifies more than two dozen specifics that contribute to marital satisfaction and help readers evaluate the relationship’s assets and liabilities. He debunks some common myths such as “love is enough,” “living together will prepare us for marriage,” and “you’re my one and only.” As a marriage and family therapist for more than 20 years, Dr. Larson has observed that many couples in marital therapy trace their current marriage problems back to the pre-marital relationship. This makes it all the more important that couples planning to marry take the time to better prepare themselves for a lifetime of togetherness.
Questions to Ask
Below are a few thoughts for you and your partner to consider and discuss before committing to marriage. Answer the following questions for yourself, using as much time as necessary to consider each issue fully and making notes of your responses and reactions. Also, share the exercise with your partner and allow him or her to consider it privately. Afterwards, schedule a time and place to discuss your responses in an environment that is free from distractions and stress.
Why am I getting married? Why am I choosing to share my life, resources and dreams with this person? What has brought me to this point in my life? Why is this the time?
Do my parents, friends, peers or co-workers support my choice or are they concerned for my welfare? How do I feel about their apprehension? Have I really made a good choice for me or have I compromised my values because I hope things will get better?
What does commitment mean to me? Do I have a role model to follow who helps me see how to navigate through the tough times? What changes do I expect to see after the wedding?
How do I handle conflict? Am I willing to face the situation and discuss options, or do I ignore the facts and hope they will go away? Can I talk about my anger or disappointment with my partner and can we reach a compromise? Can we come to an agreement about how to deal with our problems—a way to communicate that does not include violence, put-downs or walking away without resolving the issues?
What are the common goals and dreams we want to achieve? Where will we live? How many children do we want? Who will clean the toilet and take out the trash? Who will handle the money? How many credit cards will we have? How much money will we save from each paycheck? What color will the bedroom be? Where will we spend the holidays?
What kind of marriage do I want? How happy am I in this relationship? Who is responsible for my happiness? How much fun do we have on our dates? Do I have fond memories of our courtship?
Take Your Time
Every person and every relationship is different. Slow down and take time to think through these and other issues you may not have considered. Give yourselves the gift of time and the reassurance that you are the right person for this commitment. If the above questions raised concerns or issues that you and your partner haven’t discussed or thought about, maybe the relationship needs more time before you say, “I do.”
Marriage Discussion: How Stress Affects a Relationship
Source: www.twoofus.org
Couples often go through periods of change, every day hassles and emotional issues that cause stress in their relationships. We all have stress in our lives, whether it is job-related, financial, marital, or parental. It can cause uncomfortable mental and physical reactions to life’s events. This challenges your marital relationship.
It’s important to understand how stressful events affect your marriage. Since you can’t avoid it, you have to be able to recognize and manage it. Finding a way to have a conversation about what is causing you stress, where you both finish the talk feeling relieved and satisfied, can make your relationship stronger. Here are some tips on how to handle stress in your relationship.
Figure Out What is Bothering You
Stress is tricky. We often say “I’m so stressed out!” but may have trouble figuring out what is causing it. Take the time to find out what the problem is and then share it with your spouse. Your partner may be able to help you deal with your stress. With increased awareness of what you are worried about, he/she can think of ways to keep from adding to your stress.
Bear in mind that your partner may not think you have any reason to be stressed. Help him/her understand why you are. Respect each other’s values and find ways to work together on the challenges. Your partner can give you a different point of view and together you can brainstorm ways to solve the issue that is causing your stress. Recognize that not every problem (or stressor) has a solution, but talking about it and sharing your feelings can help you manage it. Understand that if you don’t figure out how to successfully handle stress with your partner, problems in your marriage may emerge.
Stay Connected
Sometimes couples spend more time talking with their friends than their spouses about issues because they feel their partner might not understand them. Turning away from your partner during stressful events can be one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship. This can lead to feelings of rejection. Silence leads to greater frustration and increased anger, which can drive the two of you apart.
Try to strengthen your relationship by turning to each other often. You can do this by simply talking about the every-day events that happen in your lives, like the news, a good movie you saw, or the accomplishments of your children. This builds the confidence and trust you both need so you can discuss heavier and potentially stressful topics when they arise.
Maintain Intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any successful marriage. While many people think intimacy pertains only to sex, it is much more than that. Being intimate with your partner means that you reveal your thoughts and your feelings (even though it may be embarrassing to do so), demonstrate affection, and work together to solve problems. By being open and honest we develop emotional intimacy. When we are stressed this is especially important. Intimacy gives your partner a chance to support you and in return, you are more likely to support them when they are stressed.
Couples might avoid becoming intimate with their partner during stressful times because they are too tired or emotionally drained, but this can be a mistake. Being intimate actually helps relieve tension and anxiety.
Find Balance
You can become overwhelmed with activities that you really don’t have time for. This can cause problems in your relationship and with the entire family. The more time spent on other things, the less time there is for the family.
Research has shown that work stress is linked to unhappiness in marriage. Don’t be a workaholic by choosing to stay connected through cell phones, emails and other technology. This can cause your partner to feel lonely and will hurt your relationship.
Parents can feel like keeping up with each family member’s schedule is a full time job. Scheduling the children’s activities and taking them to practices, games, recitals and events can get to be too much. To avoid family burn-out keep an eye out for signs of stress and cut back on activities as needed.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get back on track to a healthy marriage, it is a good idea to take a relationship education course. Marriage education can give you the skills, information and resources you need to help manage your stress and make your relationship better. Make time to enjoy each other and work on your relationship.
The kind of husband, wife, mother, father, or friend you are is shown by your actions and attitudes. Be watchful of long periods of loneliness, depression or mood swings in yourself or in your partner. If you see these signs, be willing to help or get help. Try to be aware of you and your partner’s emotions every day. Change the things in your life, or in your relationship, that you can control and accept the things that you cannot change.
Stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. There is no cure-all for the stress that occurs in our lives, but we do have a choice about how we react to it. You and your spouse can together make an effort to control your thoughts and behaviors. Choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.
Couples often go through periods of change, every day hassles and emotional issues that cause stress in their relationships. We all have stress in our lives, whether it is job-related, financial, marital, or parental. It can cause uncomfortable mental and physical reactions to life’s events. This challenges your marital relationship.
It’s important to understand how stressful events affect your marriage. Since you can’t avoid it, you have to be able to recognize and manage it. Finding a way to have a conversation about what is causing you stress, where you both finish the talk feeling relieved and satisfied, can make your relationship stronger. Here are some tips on how to handle stress in your relationship.
Figure Out What is Bothering You
Stress is tricky. We often say “I’m so stressed out!” but may have trouble figuring out what is causing it. Take the time to find out what the problem is and then share it with your spouse. Your partner may be able to help you deal with your stress. With increased awareness of what you are worried about, he/she can think of ways to keep from adding to your stress.
Bear in mind that your partner may not think you have any reason to be stressed. Help him/her understand why you are. Respect each other’s values and find ways to work together on the challenges. Your partner can give you a different point of view and together you can brainstorm ways to solve the issue that is causing your stress. Recognize that not every problem (or stressor) has a solution, but talking about it and sharing your feelings can help you manage it. Understand that if you don’t figure out how to successfully handle stress with your partner, problems in your marriage may emerge.
Stay Connected
Sometimes couples spend more time talking with their friends than their spouses about issues because they feel their partner might not understand them. Turning away from your partner during stressful events can be one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship. This can lead to feelings of rejection. Silence leads to greater frustration and increased anger, which can drive the two of you apart.
Try to strengthen your relationship by turning to each other often. You can do this by simply talking about the every-day events that happen in your lives, like the news, a good movie you saw, or the accomplishments of your children. This builds the confidence and trust you both need so you can discuss heavier and potentially stressful topics when they arise.
Maintain Intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any successful marriage. While many people think intimacy pertains only to sex, it is much more than that. Being intimate with your partner means that you reveal your thoughts and your feelings (even though it may be embarrassing to do so), demonstrate affection, and work together to solve problems. By being open and honest we develop emotional intimacy. When we are stressed this is especially important. Intimacy gives your partner a chance to support you and in return, you are more likely to support them when they are stressed.
Couples might avoid becoming intimate with their partner during stressful times because they are too tired or emotionally drained, but this can be a mistake. Being intimate actually helps relieve tension and anxiety.
Find Balance
You can become overwhelmed with activities that you really don’t have time for. This can cause problems in your relationship and with the entire family. The more time spent on other things, the less time there is for the family.
Research has shown that work stress is linked to unhappiness in marriage. Don’t be a workaholic by choosing to stay connected through cell phones, emails and other technology. This can cause your partner to feel lonely and will hurt your relationship.
Parents can feel like keeping up with each family member’s schedule is a full time job. Scheduling the children’s activities and taking them to practices, games, recitals and events can get to be too much. To avoid family burn-out keep an eye out for signs of stress and cut back on activities as needed.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get back on track to a healthy marriage, it is a good idea to take a relationship education course. Marriage education can give you the skills, information and resources you need to help manage your stress and make your relationship better. Make time to enjoy each other and work on your relationship.
The kind of husband, wife, mother, father, or friend you are is shown by your actions and attitudes. Be watchful of long periods of loneliness, depression or mood swings in yourself or in your partner. If you see these signs, be willing to help or get help. Try to be aware of you and your partner’s emotions every day. Change the things in your life, or in your relationship, that you can control and accept the things that you cannot change.
Stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. There is no cure-all for the stress that occurs in our lives, but we do have a choice about how we react to it. You and your spouse can together make an effort to control your thoughts and behaviors. Choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Chore War: Battling Over Who Does What Around the House
Source:www.twoofus.org
Sharing household chores now ranks third on the list of elements tied to successful marriages—ahead of income, common interests and shared religious beliefs, according to a recent study by the Pew Research Center. Only faithfulness and sexual satisfaction ranked higher. Yet many couples still struggle to reach an equitable division of chores.
Fathers have quadrupled their share of household chores since 1965, but men still lag behind women in housework and child care. Men typically do about 9.6 hours of housework each week; women typically do about 18.1 hours. When it comes to child care, men average about 7 hours a week while women put in about 14 hours.
Women now make up nearly half of the U.S. labor force, meaning there are fewer traditional housewives to do the majority of the housework. With women doing nearly double the amount of both housework and child care, many women—especially working women—are left feeling resentful. But for men making a sincere effort to share in the household chores, such criticism can be bewildering … and demoralizing. After all, they do as many or more chores than their own fathers ever did. And for a man who works full-time and whose partner doesn’t, the request to do more housework can seem unfair.
Men and women equally agree that sharing chores is important to the health of marriage. Yet couples rarely achieve a totally harmonious distribution of housework. So how do you end the “chore war” and establish terms that you can both live with?
Establish areas of responsibility … then be willing to bend
You may find it helpful to define certain tasks as one person’s responsibility. But don’t be slavish in the enforcement of these rules. You won’t likely cover every household task that needs to be done, especially irregular or seasonal tasks. And you should always be willing to pitch in—regardless of who has been assigned what task—if you know your partner is exhausted.
Don’t wait to be asked
You may be naturally oblivious to those dust-bunnies on the floor. But after you’ve been with your partner a while, you should be able to see the world through his or her eyes. Which specific chores, left undone, are likely to drive your partner up the wall? If you see something that needs to be done, show consideration for your partner by doing it without being asked.
Consider your partner’s workload
Does your partner put in more hours than you in a conventional job? Consider the physical and emotional toll their job can take on them before demanding more housework. Likewise, if you partner is the primary child care provider, don’t assume that duty is a walk in the park either—even the best children can be exhausting. Try to objectively weigh each partner’s respective workload—both inside and outside of the home—then allot housework accordingly.
Trade chores once in a while
It is easy to criticize your husband for not mowing the yard often enough. But after you’ve lugged out the lawnmower a few times, you may feel a little more sympathy. Likewise, cooking dinner every night may seem like a no-brainer … to someone who never has to do it. Swapping chores once in a while can help you appreciate the hard work your partner puts in on a regular basis.
Be considerate
If you have any spare energy whatsoever, take on a few extra chores. Need to veg out and watch TV after work? Fine … but consider using the commercial breaks to help tidy up the living room. Have the children been terrorizing your wife all day long? Take them off her hands for a while so she can unwind.
Be willing to lay aside traditional gender roles
The division of labor in the household often still falls within traditional spheres of “masculine” and “feminine” chores. However, many of these distinctions have blurred in recent decades and you might find it liberating to let go of these old conventions. Women often balk at stereotypes—few women would appreciate being “expected” to cook, clean and sew all the time—but sometimes have a hard time letting go of the equivalent expectations of men. Beware of double standards. For example, your husband may love to cook, but hate to do yard work. Enjoy your husband’s yummy food … then use the money you might otherwise have spent eating out to pay for professional lawn care service.
Whenever possible, do chores together
Chores go twice as fast when you do them together. Find a way to infuse some “play” into your work—chat while you work, turn on some fun music or make a game of an otherwise tedious task.
Into every relationship, a little drudgery must fall. You can squabble over who does more housework and who should be doing more. Or, you embrace the fact that housework is an unavoidable part of life and that there will never be a perfectly equitable solution. Rather than fixating on “winning” the chore war, choose to honor your partner by carrying your share of the load and by communicating fairly when you feel your partner is not doing the same.
Sharing household chores now ranks third on the list of elements tied to successful marriages—ahead of income, common interests and shared religious beliefs, according to a recent study by the Pew Research Center. Only faithfulness and sexual satisfaction ranked higher. Yet many couples still struggle to reach an equitable division of chores.
Fathers have quadrupled their share of household chores since 1965, but men still lag behind women in housework and child care. Men typically do about 9.6 hours of housework each week; women typically do about 18.1 hours. When it comes to child care, men average about 7 hours a week while women put in about 14 hours.
Women now make up nearly half of the U.S. labor force, meaning there are fewer traditional housewives to do the majority of the housework. With women doing nearly double the amount of both housework and child care, many women—especially working women—are left feeling resentful. But for men making a sincere effort to share in the household chores, such criticism can be bewildering … and demoralizing. After all, they do as many or more chores than their own fathers ever did. And for a man who works full-time and whose partner doesn’t, the request to do more housework can seem unfair.
Men and women equally agree that sharing chores is important to the health of marriage. Yet couples rarely achieve a totally harmonious distribution of housework. So how do you end the “chore war” and establish terms that you can both live with?
Establish areas of responsibility … then be willing to bend
You may find it helpful to define certain tasks as one person’s responsibility. But don’t be slavish in the enforcement of these rules. You won’t likely cover every household task that needs to be done, especially irregular or seasonal tasks. And you should always be willing to pitch in—regardless of who has been assigned what task—if you know your partner is exhausted.
Don’t wait to be asked
You may be naturally oblivious to those dust-bunnies on the floor. But after you’ve been with your partner a while, you should be able to see the world through his or her eyes. Which specific chores, left undone, are likely to drive your partner up the wall? If you see something that needs to be done, show consideration for your partner by doing it without being asked.
Consider your partner’s workload
Does your partner put in more hours than you in a conventional job? Consider the physical and emotional toll their job can take on them before demanding more housework. Likewise, if you partner is the primary child care provider, don’t assume that duty is a walk in the park either—even the best children can be exhausting. Try to objectively weigh each partner’s respective workload—both inside and outside of the home—then allot housework accordingly.
Trade chores once in a while
It is easy to criticize your husband for not mowing the yard often enough. But after you’ve lugged out the lawnmower a few times, you may feel a little more sympathy. Likewise, cooking dinner every night may seem like a no-brainer … to someone who never has to do it. Swapping chores once in a while can help you appreciate the hard work your partner puts in on a regular basis.
Be considerate
If you have any spare energy whatsoever, take on a few extra chores. Need to veg out and watch TV after work? Fine … but consider using the commercial breaks to help tidy up the living room. Have the children been terrorizing your wife all day long? Take them off her hands for a while so she can unwind.
Be willing to lay aside traditional gender roles
The division of labor in the household often still falls within traditional spheres of “masculine” and “feminine” chores. However, many of these distinctions have blurred in recent decades and you might find it liberating to let go of these old conventions. Women often balk at stereotypes—few women would appreciate being “expected” to cook, clean and sew all the time—but sometimes have a hard time letting go of the equivalent expectations of men. Beware of double standards. For example, your husband may love to cook, but hate to do yard work. Enjoy your husband’s yummy food … then use the money you might otherwise have spent eating out to pay for professional lawn care service.
Whenever possible, do chores together
Chores go twice as fast when you do them together. Find a way to infuse some “play” into your work—chat while you work, turn on some fun music or make a game of an otherwise tedious task.
Into every relationship, a little drudgery must fall. You can squabble over who does more housework and who should be doing more. Or, you embrace the fact that housework is an unavoidable part of life and that there will never be a perfectly equitable solution. Rather than fixating on “winning” the chore war, choose to honor your partner by carrying your share of the load and by communicating fairly when you feel your partner is not doing the same.
Losing Your Emotional Baggage
Source:www.twoofus.org
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could simply lose our emotional baggage the same way our luggage gets lost by airline companies? If only we could turn off our emotions and memories that easily.
Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Neil Clark Warren provide a compelling definition of emotional baggage: “History is what has happened in our lives. Baggage is how we feel about it. Your psychological perspective on your past determines, to a great extent, your personal health and vitality.”
Even the most “perfect” upbringing has its baggage. It doesn’t require a traumatic event or abuse to have emotional baggage. Case in point: Kim grew up in what most would consider an ideal family environment. Her mother was a stay-at-home mom and her dad went off to work every day. She had two siblings, the family went to church at least three times a week and by all accounts Kim had a great childhood … and she did. But that perfection has spilled over into her adult life and Kim has discovered that her expectations for relationships are far too high. Why? Her parents never allowed Kim and her siblings to see any conflict between them, so Kim grew up with an ideal that in a perfect relationship, there shouldn’t be any conflicts or disagreements.
You would be hard pressed to not know someone in your life that has experienced severe emotional or even physical trauma during their formative years. Whether it involved the death of parent, a nasty divorce, physical abuse or severe emotional abuse, someone that we work with, go to school with or even live with has lived through something traumatic. The difference is how these individuals have dealt with the emotional baggage that comes along with the trauma.
According to Drs. Parrott and Warren, “Everyone has a history and an emotional response to it. What matters, when it comes to being a healthy, thriving human being, is whether or not you have deliberately unpacked your baggage. If not, it is bound to thwart your personal growth. You can never feel profoundly significant at your core until you make peace with this emotional baggage. The healthiest among us, have rummaged around in the contents of their own suitcases. They have explored what they feel and why the feel the way they do about their history. This act of simply identifying and labeling their emotions as they explore their past serves as an amazing springboard to personal growth, self-insight and maturity. It even impacts physical well-being…In order to get beyond your past; you sometimes need to get into your past.”
It’s not easy digging up the past; in fact, it can be very painful. The old adage, “time heals all wounds” really only works if we take steps to start the healing process.
Step one: Identify blind spots
This step requires complete honesty, a willingness to dig deep and a trusted friend (other than your partner or spouse) or therapist/counselor. Openly face your issues. For example, do you have a temper to the point that you throw things, slam doors or worse? Obviously, the temper needs to be dealt with, but more importantly, you need to discover what lies behind the temper. Maybe you have an addiction that you’re reluctant to face such as gambling, sexual addiction, drugs/alcohol or perhaps you’re a shopaholic. Whatever the issue, you must be able, willing and ready to face it head on.
Step two: Stop the blame game.
It’s so much easier to go through life blaming our problems on mom and dad, an older brother or the girl/guy who broke our heart. But eventually you have to take responsibility for your life, your actions and your emotions. The blame game doesn’t change anything. And this includes blaming yourself. If you are stuck in this cycle—snap out of it! Your life will never get better and you will never move forward until you break the blame chain.
Step three: Forgive
It is crucial that you reach a point where you can truly let go of the hurt that you have experienced. “No matter how violent it was, how deep it was, how prolonged it was, no matter how much affect there’s been on your life, if you do not extend forgiveness, you are the person stuck with the bitterness and revenge,” said Dr. Dave Currie, National Director of FamilyLife Canada. “A bitter person cannot effectively love others. Letting go is not easy and a person may not deserve it and may not even ask for it, but you should extend forgiveness because of what it will do for you.” Again, this includes forgiving yourself if needed.
We may not have the option to pack up our emotions and ship them off to a faraway continent, but we do have the option to take charge of them and choose how they will affect us for the rest of our lives. It’s your choice. Here’s to choosing freedom!
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could simply lose our emotional baggage the same way our luggage gets lost by airline companies? If only we could turn off our emotions and memories that easily.
Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Neil Clark Warren provide a compelling definition of emotional baggage: “History is what has happened in our lives. Baggage is how we feel about it. Your psychological perspective on your past determines, to a great extent, your personal health and vitality.”
Even the most “perfect” upbringing has its baggage. It doesn’t require a traumatic event or abuse to have emotional baggage. Case in point: Kim grew up in what most would consider an ideal family environment. Her mother was a stay-at-home mom and her dad went off to work every day. She had two siblings, the family went to church at least three times a week and by all accounts Kim had a great childhood … and she did. But that perfection has spilled over into her adult life and Kim has discovered that her expectations for relationships are far too high. Why? Her parents never allowed Kim and her siblings to see any conflict between them, so Kim grew up with an ideal that in a perfect relationship, there shouldn’t be any conflicts or disagreements.
You would be hard pressed to not know someone in your life that has experienced severe emotional or even physical trauma during their formative years. Whether it involved the death of parent, a nasty divorce, physical abuse or severe emotional abuse, someone that we work with, go to school with or even live with has lived through something traumatic. The difference is how these individuals have dealt with the emotional baggage that comes along with the trauma.
According to Drs. Parrott and Warren, “Everyone has a history and an emotional response to it. What matters, when it comes to being a healthy, thriving human being, is whether or not you have deliberately unpacked your baggage. If not, it is bound to thwart your personal growth. You can never feel profoundly significant at your core until you make peace with this emotional baggage. The healthiest among us, have rummaged around in the contents of their own suitcases. They have explored what they feel and why the feel the way they do about their history. This act of simply identifying and labeling their emotions as they explore their past serves as an amazing springboard to personal growth, self-insight and maturity. It even impacts physical well-being…In order to get beyond your past; you sometimes need to get into your past.”
It’s not easy digging up the past; in fact, it can be very painful. The old adage, “time heals all wounds” really only works if we take steps to start the healing process.
Step one: Identify blind spots
This step requires complete honesty, a willingness to dig deep and a trusted friend (other than your partner or spouse) or therapist/counselor. Openly face your issues. For example, do you have a temper to the point that you throw things, slam doors or worse? Obviously, the temper needs to be dealt with, but more importantly, you need to discover what lies behind the temper. Maybe you have an addiction that you’re reluctant to face such as gambling, sexual addiction, drugs/alcohol or perhaps you’re a shopaholic. Whatever the issue, you must be able, willing and ready to face it head on.
Step two: Stop the blame game.
It’s so much easier to go through life blaming our problems on mom and dad, an older brother or the girl/guy who broke our heart. But eventually you have to take responsibility for your life, your actions and your emotions. The blame game doesn’t change anything. And this includes blaming yourself. If you are stuck in this cycle—snap out of it! Your life will never get better and you will never move forward until you break the blame chain.
Step three: Forgive
It is crucial that you reach a point where you can truly let go of the hurt that you have experienced. “No matter how violent it was, how deep it was, how prolonged it was, no matter how much affect there’s been on your life, if you do not extend forgiveness, you are the person stuck with the bitterness and revenge,” said Dr. Dave Currie, National Director of FamilyLife Canada. “A bitter person cannot effectively love others. Letting go is not easy and a person may not deserve it and may not even ask for it, but you should extend forgiveness because of what it will do for you.” Again, this includes forgiving yourself if needed.
We may not have the option to pack up our emotions and ship them off to a faraway continent, but we do have the option to take charge of them and choose how they will affect us for the rest of our lives. It’s your choice. Here’s to choosing freedom!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Preparing Your Marriage for a Military Deployment
In Honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day
Source:www.twoofus.org
If your spouse is in the military, you---and your marriage---will most likely face a long-term deployment in the future. Preparing for deployment, living through a deployment, and adjusting to life afterwards can test even the strongest marriage. So what can you do to manage your feelings of fear, anger, and anxiety and help your marriage to stay strong?
Before the Deployment
One of the tensest times associated with a deployment actually happens before your spouse even leaves. You worry about how you'll run the household alone and you wonder how your marriage will survive while you're apart for so long. Be sure that you and your spouse understand the emotional stages of deployment which begins several weeks before the departure. Here are some tips to help you prepare:
Talk About Your Future
Marriage is about your life together, and every relationship needs hope for the future. Your spouse may be leaving for a while, but don't let that stop the two of you from making plans. Perhaps you want to buy a house, start a family, or take a vacation when your partner returns. Having a plan will give the two of you something to look forward to and talk about while you're apart.
Plan to Communicate
Make a plan to talk to your spouse as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. Communication access may not always be reliable---you may not be able to talk to your spouse every day before you go to bed---so keep your plans flexible and be willing to use a variety of ways to keep in touch (email, webcam, and handwritten letters).
Discuss Infidelity
Talk about fidelity and how you expect your spouse to act while he/she is away. Both partners should agree to remain faithful during a deployment and avoid situations that may lead to temptation. Be sure to trust your spouse and do your best to avoid jealous feelings.
Create a Support Network
Running a household alone and being a single parent is no easy task. Create a support network for the at-home spouse that includes friends, family members, and other military spouses, as well as more advanced education and counseling services that help to deal with the day-to-day challenges of deployment.
During the Deployment
Your spouse is gone. Now's the time to put your plan into action and keep your marriage strong.
Talk and Open Up
Talk to your partner as often as you can about how you're coping and how the family is doing. Resist the urge to put on a happy face and hide your problems or worries. Keeping your spouse in the loop will not only strengthen your relationship, it will reduce feelings of detachment they may feel when they return. Being open and honest will also help you and your partner to address any problems that arise post-deployment.
Don't Blame
Things will definitely be different and more stressful when your spouse is gone, but don't blame your partner for his/her absence by saying things like, "If you were here, I'd have someone to talk to" or "Your son wouldn't act like this if you were home." Feel free to talk about your problems. Just leave out the blame.
Take Care of Yourself
Eat well and be sure to exercise and get plenty of rest. You and your partner have plans for the future, remember? You want to be in tip-top shape when he/she returns.
Stay Positive
Know that while the deployment won't last forever, your marriage will. You're both in it for the long haul, and you just need to keep the faith, stay positive, and get through this difficult time in your relationship.
After the Deployment
The return of a deployed spouse will stir up a variety of emotions. You're excited to see each other again and resume your normal life, but you may also worry about how things will go, especially if you're a newlywed, if your spouse was gone for a long time, or if your spouse is suffering from combat stress or injuries. Here are some tips:
Be Patient
Things will be bumpy for a while, and everything won't go back to the way it was right away. The most important thing to remember is to have patience. Keep in mind that it may take several months before you feel in synch with each other again.
Re-Establish Your Roles
One of the biggest challenges your marriage will face after a deployment will be learning how to work together again, sharing household responsibilities and accommodating each other's points of view. If you're the spouse who stayed home, you may be reluctant to give up your power, while your deployed spouse may struggle with how unpredictable and complex normal life is. Take time to talk to each other about how you're feeling and how you want to handle things.
Get Help
Talk about your problems, and then take advantage of available support services---chaplain, family support center, outreach session, and private counseling---to get help for problems you can't tackle alone.
Remember that marriage is a journey of two people going through life together. A strong married couple works together steadily, solves problems, makes plans, and resolutely moves toward to the future.
Source:www.twoofus.org
If your spouse is in the military, you---and your marriage---will most likely face a long-term deployment in the future. Preparing for deployment, living through a deployment, and adjusting to life afterwards can test even the strongest marriage. So what can you do to manage your feelings of fear, anger, and anxiety and help your marriage to stay strong?
Before the Deployment
One of the tensest times associated with a deployment actually happens before your spouse even leaves. You worry about how you'll run the household alone and you wonder how your marriage will survive while you're apart for so long. Be sure that you and your spouse understand the emotional stages of deployment which begins several weeks before the departure. Here are some tips to help you prepare:
Talk About Your Future
Marriage is about your life together, and every relationship needs hope for the future. Your spouse may be leaving for a while, but don't let that stop the two of you from making plans. Perhaps you want to buy a house, start a family, or take a vacation when your partner returns. Having a plan will give the two of you something to look forward to and talk about while you're apart.
Plan to Communicate
Make a plan to talk to your spouse as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. Communication access may not always be reliable---you may not be able to talk to your spouse every day before you go to bed---so keep your plans flexible and be willing to use a variety of ways to keep in touch (email, webcam, and handwritten letters).
Discuss Infidelity
Talk about fidelity and how you expect your spouse to act while he/she is away. Both partners should agree to remain faithful during a deployment and avoid situations that may lead to temptation. Be sure to trust your spouse and do your best to avoid jealous feelings.
Create a Support Network
Running a household alone and being a single parent is no easy task. Create a support network for the at-home spouse that includes friends, family members, and other military spouses, as well as more advanced education and counseling services that help to deal with the day-to-day challenges of deployment.
During the Deployment
Your spouse is gone. Now's the time to put your plan into action and keep your marriage strong.
Talk and Open Up
Talk to your partner as often as you can about how you're coping and how the family is doing. Resist the urge to put on a happy face and hide your problems or worries. Keeping your spouse in the loop will not only strengthen your relationship, it will reduce feelings of detachment they may feel when they return. Being open and honest will also help you and your partner to address any problems that arise post-deployment.
Don't Blame
Things will definitely be different and more stressful when your spouse is gone, but don't blame your partner for his/her absence by saying things like, "If you were here, I'd have someone to talk to" or "Your son wouldn't act like this if you were home." Feel free to talk about your problems. Just leave out the blame.
Take Care of Yourself
Eat well and be sure to exercise and get plenty of rest. You and your partner have plans for the future, remember? You want to be in tip-top shape when he/she returns.
Stay Positive
Know that while the deployment won't last forever, your marriage will. You're both in it for the long haul, and you just need to keep the faith, stay positive, and get through this difficult time in your relationship.
After the Deployment
The return of a deployed spouse will stir up a variety of emotions. You're excited to see each other again and resume your normal life, but you may also worry about how things will go, especially if you're a newlywed, if your spouse was gone for a long time, or if your spouse is suffering from combat stress or injuries. Here are some tips:
Be Patient
Things will be bumpy for a while, and everything won't go back to the way it was right away. The most important thing to remember is to have patience. Keep in mind that it may take several months before you feel in synch with each other again.
Re-Establish Your Roles
One of the biggest challenges your marriage will face after a deployment will be learning how to work together again, sharing household responsibilities and accommodating each other's points of view. If you're the spouse who stayed home, you may be reluctant to give up your power, while your deployed spouse may struggle with how unpredictable and complex normal life is. Take time to talk to each other about how you're feeling and how you want to handle things.
Get Help
Talk about your problems, and then take advantage of available support services---chaplain, family support center, outreach session, and private counseling---to get help for problems you can't tackle alone.
Remember that marriage is a journey of two people going through life together. A strong married couple works together steadily, solves problems, makes plans, and resolutely moves toward to the future.
Cutting the Cord: Breaking Unhealthy Dependencies That Impact Your Partner
Source: www.twoofus.org
Apron strings. Umbilical cord.
Whatever the ties that bind you to your parents, these same ties may bind your future spouse as well. And he or she may not appreciate it.
Perhaps you like talking to your mom several times a day. There is no guarantee your fiancé won’t find it annoying. Maybe your dad is in the habit of popping by unannounced—your future spouse may fail to see the charm. Or perhaps you are totally comfortable discussing the most intimate aspects of your love life with your mom or dad. This same practice may make your partner cringe.
Marriage means starting a new family together. That doesn’t mean you leave your parents by the wayside, but some adjustments to your old family dynamic are inevitable, even essential, to the health of your future marriage. So how do you cut the cord without cutting off a lifeline? And how do you respect your partner’s wishes for boundaries in your relationship with your parents without disrespecting the ones who raised you?
Accept that your fiancé may never be as fond of your parents as you are.
Hopefully, your fiancé will grow to love and respect your parents, or at least get along with them. But expecting your fiancé to share the same measure of enthusiasm for your parents is not realistic.
Respect your partner’s need for privacy.
If you need to process private details of your relationship with someone other than your partner, he or she may prefer this be with a friend, rather than a family member. Because for some of us, having our parents-in-law know our intimate business is just plain icky.
Set good boundaries and set them early.
Defining boundaries with parents early on can spare you grief later in your marriage. Determine how much time you will spend with your parents, where you will spend it and how much you will share about your marriage with them. Deciding how you will handle competing holiday demands is especially critical.
Shield your future spouse.
Maybe you still like having brunch every weekend with your parents, but your fiancé is less than enthused. Strike a compromise—maybe brunch once or twice a month is enough. Or tell your parents you might like to keep the tradition limited to just the three of you—they might secretly like the extra time alone with you. When it comes to in-laws, a little absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder.
Help your fiancé understand your special bond.
Maybe you adore your parents. Maybe you aren’t even all that close to them. Either way, it can hurt when your partner criticizes your parents. It is one thing for you to critique your family; it is another thing for someone else to do the same. We feel a natural protectiveness towards our blood relations, even when they have wounded us. Help your partner understand that while you may need to vent about your parents’ flaws, an overly enthusiastic agreement from them may not be what you are looking for in their response.
Establish appropriate domains.
When you are in your mother’s house, you play by her rules. When she is in your house, though, she needs to respect yours. When it comes to managing your house or managing your children, your parents need to respect the autonomy of you and your spouse. If your parents overstep their authority in either of these realms, you need to respectively assert your independence in these two critical domains.
Don’t gang up on your spouse.
It’s nice to have an ally when you encounter marital tensions. But don’t gang up on your partner by enlisting your parents against your spouse. You are an adult and you need to fight your own fights. Your parents are likely highly protective of you and sharing even minor offenses committed by your fiancé may be remembered by your parents for years to come. As much as you’d like your future spouse to like your parents, you probably want your parents to like your spouse too. Recounting all the petty dirt on your partner can quickly and unfairly deteriorate your parents’ opinion of your future spouse.
We are all bound to our parents in complex ways that can be beautiful, confounding, and infuriating. But the ties that bind us to our parents should never be used to oppress our spouses. As you plan for a new life with your partner, be sure you establish healthy boundaries with parents—boundaries that allow your new marriage to thrive.
Apron strings. Umbilical cord.
Whatever the ties that bind you to your parents, these same ties may bind your future spouse as well. And he or she may not appreciate it.
Perhaps you like talking to your mom several times a day. There is no guarantee your fiancé won’t find it annoying. Maybe your dad is in the habit of popping by unannounced—your future spouse may fail to see the charm. Or perhaps you are totally comfortable discussing the most intimate aspects of your love life with your mom or dad. This same practice may make your partner cringe.
Marriage means starting a new family together. That doesn’t mean you leave your parents by the wayside, but some adjustments to your old family dynamic are inevitable, even essential, to the health of your future marriage. So how do you cut the cord without cutting off a lifeline? And how do you respect your partner’s wishes for boundaries in your relationship with your parents without disrespecting the ones who raised you?
Accept that your fiancé may never be as fond of your parents as you are.
Hopefully, your fiancé will grow to love and respect your parents, or at least get along with them. But expecting your fiancé to share the same measure of enthusiasm for your parents is not realistic.
Respect your partner’s need for privacy.
If you need to process private details of your relationship with someone other than your partner, he or she may prefer this be with a friend, rather than a family member. Because for some of us, having our parents-in-law know our intimate business is just plain icky.
Set good boundaries and set them early.
Defining boundaries with parents early on can spare you grief later in your marriage. Determine how much time you will spend with your parents, where you will spend it and how much you will share about your marriage with them. Deciding how you will handle competing holiday demands is especially critical.
Shield your future spouse.
Maybe you still like having brunch every weekend with your parents, but your fiancé is less than enthused. Strike a compromise—maybe brunch once or twice a month is enough. Or tell your parents you might like to keep the tradition limited to just the three of you—they might secretly like the extra time alone with you. When it comes to in-laws, a little absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder.
Help your fiancé understand your special bond.
Maybe you adore your parents. Maybe you aren’t even all that close to them. Either way, it can hurt when your partner criticizes your parents. It is one thing for you to critique your family; it is another thing for someone else to do the same. We feel a natural protectiveness towards our blood relations, even when they have wounded us. Help your partner understand that while you may need to vent about your parents’ flaws, an overly enthusiastic agreement from them may not be what you are looking for in their response.
Establish appropriate domains.
When you are in your mother’s house, you play by her rules. When she is in your house, though, she needs to respect yours. When it comes to managing your house or managing your children, your parents need to respect the autonomy of you and your spouse. If your parents overstep their authority in either of these realms, you need to respectively assert your independence in these two critical domains.
Don’t gang up on your spouse.
It’s nice to have an ally when you encounter marital tensions. But don’t gang up on your partner by enlisting your parents against your spouse. You are an adult and you need to fight your own fights. Your parents are likely highly protective of you and sharing even minor offenses committed by your fiancé may be remembered by your parents for years to come. As much as you’d like your future spouse to like your parents, you probably want your parents to like your spouse too. Recounting all the petty dirt on your partner can quickly and unfairly deteriorate your parents’ opinion of your future spouse.
We are all bound to our parents in complex ways that can be beautiful, confounding, and infuriating. But the ties that bind us to our parents should never be used to oppress our spouses. As you plan for a new life with your partner, be sure you establish healthy boundaries with parents—boundaries that allow your new marriage to thrive.
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