Shared Lives, Shared Passwords?

Source: www.twoofus.org

Marriage typically involves sharing one’s home, money and belongings. But should marriage also include sharing our online selves? That is to say, as a married person, is your online activity strictly private? Or should your spouse have a clear window into your online world?

A recent survey suggests many people think significant others should have this privilege. Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research found that 49% of women surveyed (and 42% of men) think it is fine to keep tabs on a partner by having access to that person’s Facebook account.

Many couples voluntarily share their passwords with each other. Some couples even have joint accounts. But others monitor their spouse’s online interactions without his/her knowledge or permission. This raises a number of questions about privacy, trust and what it means to be married.

Are You Hacking Your Marriage?

Trust
Few people are 100 percent convinced their partner has been—and always will be—faithful. Because of this uncertainty, it can be tempting to keep tabs on your spouse’s online activities. But doing so can backfire. In a healthy marriage, you should feel a reasonable confidence that your partner is not engaged in an affair. If you don’t, it may be because you have been burned in the past … or your partner is giving you good reason to be suspicious.

Transparency
In a healthy relationship, a natural transparency is present. This doesn’t mean you necessarily share every digital detail with each other. It does mean you should have nothing to fear, should your spouse suddenly be granted universal access to your accounts. If your interactions with others could be reasonably “misinterpreted” as flirtatious or inappropriate, they probably are. A good rule of thumb is to never post or email anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.

Truth or Consequence
Many affairs have been discovered via a digital trail—Facebook is quickly becoming a favorite tool of divorce lawyers. No one wants to play the fool … or get played. But if you spy on your partner online, there may be consequences. You could get caught and if you do, your partner is likely to be angry, resentful or defensive. A better approach would be to sit down with your partner and discuss what online transparency might look like. Discuss what information you are (or aren’t) comfortable sharing and how best to navigate the tension between privacy and openness.

Respect Boundaries
Many people balk at anyone—even their spouse—nosing through their online exchanges. It can feel like a violation of privacy, like someone is reading your digital diary. And in some circumstances, there may be legitimate reasons for privacy to be maintained. However, once you and your spouse have decided what information will (or won’t) be shared, honor that agreement. If you are concerned or suspicious about your spouse’s behavior, try talking it out with him or her rather than cyber-stalking.

For many, simply knowing their partner is willing to share his/her online information is enough to calm their fears. Others may need more concrete assurances of online fidelity. Either way, be sure you live by the same standards of online conduct you expect from your spouse. Marriage effectively melds two separate lives, but exactly how far that merger goes is for each couple to determine.