Are you ready for a child?

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When weighing when (and if) to have children, a lot of variables come into play. Age, finances, relationship status, educational and career objectives, health, and ideal family size are all important considerations. These factors are often at odds with each other, making a difficult decision even more complicated.

You are often better equipped (biologically-speaking) to handle the demands of pregnancy and child care when you are young. In terms of psychological, relationship and financial readiness, however, you may be better off having a child later in life. And at any stage, you can wrestle with feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy about being a parent.

The desire to bring a child into the world is one of the most noble, natural, and generous instincts we have. Under certain circumstances, however, this same impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish. Consider these 5 bad—and 5 good—reasons to have children when assessing whether you are ready to become a parent.

5 Bad Reasons to Have a Child

You are trying to fill a void
Maybe you are in a romantic relationship, but feel disconnected from your partner. Perhaps you are single and crave a little built-in company. A baby will bring you the unconditional love you are looking for, right? Sadly, no. While the bond between a parent and child is indeed unlike any other, at some point, your child will let you down and fail to appreciate you. This doesn’t make the relationship with your child any less beautiful—but being a parent definitely isn’t a cure-all for emotional emptiness.

Your friends are doing it
Perhaps your friends are on a baby-breeding spree. They have play dates with other parents and seem to be closing ranks. Naturally, you don’t want to be left behind. But having a baby to fit in with your social circle is selfish … and is no guarantee of lasting friendship.

You are trying to “lock down” or repair a relationship
A child is not bait … or a pawn. Do not force a pregnancy (or fake one!) in an attempt to nail down a commitment or bring you and your partner closer together. No child can heal foundational flaws in a relationship—only you and your partner can do that.

You think it is cool
Those pregnant teenagers got a reality show. That hyper-fertile couple got a huge house and new appliances for their brood of kids. And that actress just adopted another child from an exotic land. Parenting is a selfless and courageous act. But any perceived glamour associated with parenting is pure illusion—an illusion that will quickly dissolve after a few months of diaper duty and sleepless nights.

You are being pressured … and you are not ready
Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child—not your partner and definitely not your parents! The decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly. If you have serious reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner—sooner rather than later. Be clear about whether you don’t think you are ready to have kids yet or if you think you may never be ready to be a parent. A little apprehension is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.

So if parenting is so demanding and the “perks” aren’t always guaranteed, why even bother? And how do you know if you are ready?

5 Good Reasons to Have a Child

The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.

You have love to give
The best motivation for having a child is what you can give a child, rather than what you can get from the relationship. If you see parenthood as an opportunity to pass on the good things you’ve been given (or to provide your child with the love and support you may not have received as a child), you are on the right track. Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes—it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths.

You are in a place to support your child
What children need most is unconditional love. That being said, children also need food, shelter, and clothing—all things that cost money. If you struggle to pay your bills each month, have trouble holding down a job, or have a significant amount of debt, consider postponing parenthood. According to a study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the cost of raising a child from birth to his/her 18th birthday could exceed $200,000 for middle-income families. You don’t have to be wealthy to be a good parent, but the costs associated with parenthood are sizable. Being in relatively good financial shape before having a baby will spare you and your child unnecessary stress.

You are in a functional, long-term relationship/marriage
In addition to financial stability, relational stability is an important consideration in having a baby. Statistics indicate that children thrive in stable, two-parent homes, especially those with married, biological parents. Consider the health of your marriage/relationship before having a child. If your relationship isn’t healthy now, it is likely to remain unhealthy in the future (unless you and your partner make a firm commitment to get help). If your relationship is filled with hostility, abuse or excess drama, don’t drag a child into the mess. If you are in a reasonably healthy relationship, both you and your child will benefit.

You’ve worked through your major baggage
We are all human—even the best parents will let down their children sometimes. But if you haven’t worked through significant personal issues—such as rejection, abuse, manipulation, anxiety or depression—these issues may surface in your interactions with your child. Before you pass on these wounds to your child, do your best to process through major emotional baggage.

You’re not sure you’re ready, but really want to be
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.