Source: Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative
The way you respond to your partner’s good news is an important predictor of the health and strength of your marriage. Researchers Shelly Gable, Gian Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman of the University of California, Los Angeles found that when close relationship partners consistently responded in positive, enthusiastic ways to the good things that happened to their partners, their relationships benefited. The person describing the positive event, called a discloser, reported feeling closer to, and more intimate with their spouse who was doing the listening. In addition, the discloser reported more overall satisfaction with their relationship.
How Do You Respond?
In their research, Gable, Gonzaga and Strachman identified four response patterns typically found in relationships:
Active–constructive (enthusiastic support)
Passive–constructive (quiet, understated support)
Active–destructive (demeaning the event)
Passive–destructive (ignoring the event)
Here’s an example of these response styles: Laura comes home from her job and proudly tells her husband Joe that she has been promoted to a position that will give her more money and more responsibility.
An active–constructive response from Joe might be, “Wow, Laura, that’s great news. Your skills and hard work are really paying off. Tell me everything your boss said.”
A passive–constructive response might be a warm smile from Joe and a brief comment like, “That’s nice, hon.”
An active–destructive response would be something like: “Are you really sure you want to work that hard? What about the kids? Your raise will just go to pay for more child care.”
A passive–destructive response ignores what Laura said altogether. “Hey, what’s for dinner? I had a pretty rough day and I’m hungry.”
Is One Response Better Than Another?
The UCLA researchers found that only active-constructive responses are associated with well-being and higher relationship quality. Here’s why. Sharing personal positive events provides great opportunities in a relationship for understanding, validation, and caring. According to Gable and her colleagues, “When an individual discloses a positive event to his or her partner, and the partner responds in an active-constructive manner, both partners experience positive emotions, and the relationship itself becomes stronger.” The commitment, marital satisfaction, increased intimacy and love, generated by active-constructive responses to a partner’s good news, become important relationship resources, to be drawn upon as needed in times of stress and challenge.
Powerful Relationship Vitamins
When individuals rate their partners as active and constructive responders, they:
feel more intimacy and trust.
are more satisfied with their relationships on a daily basis.
report fewer daily conflicts.
engage in more fun and relaxing activities on a daily basis.
Being There for your Spouse
Feeling that your partner is there for you when things go right in your life creates emotional safety and familiarity, and both are vital to strong, healthy relationships.
More Information: Gable, S., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Bridging Emotional Distance
Source:www.twoofus.org
The emotional connection between a couple acts as a bridge connecting two, distinct lives. When this connection is severed, passage to the other side can seem unreachable.
Over time, you find yourself farther and farther away from your partner. You may be unsure how you reached this point. You may question if you have the ability, or even the desire, to make the long trek back. If you knew your partner was waiting eagerly for you on the other side, you might feel more motivated. But the nature of emotional distance can make you afraid of the reception you might (or might not) receive.
What Causes Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance in a relationship can feel like a descent into quicksand: slow and seemingly unstoppable. Emotional distance can be caused by a number of factors including:
Conflict
Ongoing tension in the relationship can cause one or both partners to retreat emotionally.
Situational stress
Unemployment, grief, infertility, etc. can drain energy and lead to an emotional shutout.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with others
Family members, former partners and friends can all diminish our trust and skew our perception of love.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with you
If you have been insensitive or unresponsive in the past, your partner may be hesitant to open up again.
Gender differences
Men and women often communicate and interpret emotional intimacy differently.
Family or cultural differences
How love is expressed in different families or cultures can vary, resulting in differing expectations for what connectedness looks like.
Like struggling in quicksand, trying to force an emotional reconnection can sometimes make the situation worse. Here are some ways to address a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner while avoiding common communication pitfalls.
Addressing Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Watch where you step
Often, you can avoid sinkholes in your relationship merely by watching where you step. Know the communication styles that cause your partner to automatically tense up or withdraw … and don’t go there without a really good reason.
Relax
In quicksand, nothing causes you to sink as fast as a violent struggle. In distressing situations, our instinct is usually either “fight or flight.” Instead, take a deep breath and try to relax. Let your partner know that you feel emotionally disconnected from him/her and then ask if he or she feels the same way. Sometimes, what feels like distance to one partner may feel like the normal “settling in” of a relationship to the other.
In other situations, one partner is simply more verbal than the other or more prone to analyzing the relationship. For this person, even minor losses of intimacy can feel threatening. Remember that some people are more demonstrative in their expressions of love than others. Don’t automatically assume that because your partner doesn’t provide as many “obvious” expressions of love that love isn’t there.
If your partner doesn’t perceive the same degree of emotional distance, explore what may be causing this difference in perception. Tell your partner how much you value your emotional connection with him/her and that you would like to work on strengthening this bond. Let your partner know what makes you feel loved and secure … and be sure you understand and provide the same for your partner.
Drop your baggage
With real quicksand, only two things can cause you to fully sink: panic and excess baggage. The same goes for emotional distance. Let go of old hang-ups and resentments—particularly those that directly relate to your partner. It will be much easier to repair your connection without this excess weight.
Make slow, steady efforts to reconnect
Relationships often follow a demand-withdrawl pattern: the harder one person pushes for something, the more the other person resists. Be careful not to push so hard for “closeness” that you end up driving your partner farther away. Emotional distance in a relationship rarely develops overnight; expect that it will likewise require some time to rebuild your connection. Take small steps to reconnect with your partner—have regular date nights, maintain your physical connection, share activities together, and be sensitive in how you communicate.
Few things are as isolating as feeling “alone” in an intimate relationship. Your partner can never meet all your needs. However, it is important to build and preserve your bond as a couple. If you and your partner are unable to bridge the emotional distance in your relationship, consider working with a relationship professional to help you grow closer as a couple.
The emotional connection between a couple acts as a bridge connecting two, distinct lives. When this connection is severed, passage to the other side can seem unreachable.
Over time, you find yourself farther and farther away from your partner. You may be unsure how you reached this point. You may question if you have the ability, or even the desire, to make the long trek back. If you knew your partner was waiting eagerly for you on the other side, you might feel more motivated. But the nature of emotional distance can make you afraid of the reception you might (or might not) receive.
What Causes Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance in a relationship can feel like a descent into quicksand: slow and seemingly unstoppable. Emotional distance can be caused by a number of factors including:
Conflict
Ongoing tension in the relationship can cause one or both partners to retreat emotionally.
Situational stress
Unemployment, grief, infertility, etc. can drain energy and lead to an emotional shutout.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with others
Family members, former partners and friends can all diminish our trust and skew our perception of love.
Fear of self-disclosure based on previous interactions with you
If you have been insensitive or unresponsive in the past, your partner may be hesitant to open up again.
Gender differences
Men and women often communicate and interpret emotional intimacy differently.
Family or cultural differences
How love is expressed in different families or cultures can vary, resulting in differing expectations for what connectedness looks like.
Like struggling in quicksand, trying to force an emotional reconnection can sometimes make the situation worse. Here are some ways to address a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner while avoiding common communication pitfalls.
Addressing Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Watch where you step
Often, you can avoid sinkholes in your relationship merely by watching where you step. Know the communication styles that cause your partner to automatically tense up or withdraw … and don’t go there without a really good reason.
Relax
In quicksand, nothing causes you to sink as fast as a violent struggle. In distressing situations, our instinct is usually either “fight or flight.” Instead, take a deep breath and try to relax. Let your partner know that you feel emotionally disconnected from him/her and then ask if he or she feels the same way. Sometimes, what feels like distance to one partner may feel like the normal “settling in” of a relationship to the other.
In other situations, one partner is simply more verbal than the other or more prone to analyzing the relationship. For this person, even minor losses of intimacy can feel threatening. Remember that some people are more demonstrative in their expressions of love than others. Don’t automatically assume that because your partner doesn’t provide as many “obvious” expressions of love that love isn’t there.
If your partner doesn’t perceive the same degree of emotional distance, explore what may be causing this difference in perception. Tell your partner how much you value your emotional connection with him/her and that you would like to work on strengthening this bond. Let your partner know what makes you feel loved and secure … and be sure you understand and provide the same for your partner.
Drop your baggage
With real quicksand, only two things can cause you to fully sink: panic and excess baggage. The same goes for emotional distance. Let go of old hang-ups and resentments—particularly those that directly relate to your partner. It will be much easier to repair your connection without this excess weight.
Make slow, steady efforts to reconnect
Relationships often follow a demand-withdrawl pattern: the harder one person pushes for something, the more the other person resists. Be careful not to push so hard for “closeness” that you end up driving your partner farther away. Emotional distance in a relationship rarely develops overnight; expect that it will likewise require some time to rebuild your connection. Take small steps to reconnect with your partner—have regular date nights, maintain your physical connection, share activities together, and be sensitive in how you communicate.
Few things are as isolating as feeling “alone” in an intimate relationship. Your partner can never meet all your needs. However, it is important to build and preserve your bond as a couple. If you and your partner are unable to bridge the emotional distance in your relationship, consider working with a relationship professional to help you grow closer as a couple.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Is My Marriage at its End?
Source:www.twoofus.org
Road out Ahead?
Are you second-guessing your decision to get married, or at least your choice of spouse? Perhaps you’ve had a major blowout. Or perhaps the everyday stressors of life—money, work, child care, etc.—have left gaping potholes in your relationship.
At present, the road to marital happiness may look impassable. But has your marriage really reached its end?
During hard times, divorce may seem unavoidable. As with most decisions in life, however, there is more than one path. Despite the frequency it appears on divorce petitions, relatively few marriages have truly irreconcilable differences—those “incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment.”
A major study by Linda Waite at the University of Chicago found that in so called unhappy marriages, almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. The researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happier.
Most problems in marriage can be successfully resolved … if you and your partner are both willing to do the work. Below are some common sources of marital strain and how to deal with each issue.
Common Marriage Problems
We’ve Grown Apart
“We just grew apart,” is one of the most common phrases heard among divorcing couples. People continue to grow and evolve over the years—sometimes in directions we don’t like. These changes, however, rarely happen overnight. And since married couples generally live under the same roof, these changes shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise. You may feel threatened by the changes in your spouse. You may feel that these changes don’t fit as neatly with who you are. But you don’t have to share every interest or personality trait as your spouse in order to have a strong marriage.
We’re Drowning Financially
You (or your spouse) may be contributing to your financial difficulties in the form of debt, unemployment or wasteful spending. However, the state of marriage itself is unlikely to be causing your money problems. Married couples are generally better off economically than their single counterparts. Take a hard look at your finances and create a plan with your spouse to improve your situation. If needed, look into debt consolidation or credit counseling.
I Got Married too Young
Some couples who marry young later regret their decision. If you are struggling with this feeling, communicate to your spouse that you love them but feel you missed out on some important experiences. Ask for his/her support in finding ways to achieve these goal(s) while protecting your marriage. Arrange to take that vacation, get that degree, or fulfill that long-cherished dream. Marriage does not have to be a barrier to personal fulfillment.
He/She/I Had an Affair
Few things have the potential to erode trust in a marriage as much as infidelity. If both parties are willing to work on rebuilding the relationship, however, even infidelity doesn’t have to result in divorce. For your marriage to recover, you will likely need the support of friends, family, a support group, or a professional counselor. Additionally, the cheating spouse will need to make amends and agree to accountability measures to prevent future infidelities. Additionally, the spouse who was betrayed must commit to learning to forgive his/her spouse.
My Spouse is Abusive
All forms of abuse are unacceptable, whether the abuse is in the form physical violence, sexual coercion, or cruelty. If you are an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). The conversation is anonymous and confidential and help is available 24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Do not put yourself in a situation that threatens your physical or psychological safety.
We Can’t/Don’t Communicate
We are taught how to speak, spell and write. However, most of us have never really been taught how to communicate. Marriage and relationship education can help enhance your communication with your spouse. For deep-rooted issues, a therapist can offer additional insight. Even if only one partner is willing to attend, counseling can often enhance marital satisfaction.
We’re No Longer “In Love”
Forget every sappy movie you have ever seen. Forget all the poetry you read in high school. Real love doesn’t always feel lovey-dovey. Love isn’t bliss. Love isn’t sexual excitement. True love is an act of will. Love may be the only miracle most of us are capable of producing on a regular basis. You may not feel the same rush of emotion that you once did, but you have the ability to continue feeling—and showing—love to your spouse.
All marriages eventually experience some road-blocks. However, with the help of your partner—and those around you—you have the ability to clear most of these obstacles. The road to marital happiness may sometimes be bumpy, but it is rarely impassable.
Road out Ahead?
Are you second-guessing your decision to get married, or at least your choice of spouse? Perhaps you’ve had a major blowout. Or perhaps the everyday stressors of life—money, work, child care, etc.—have left gaping potholes in your relationship.
At present, the road to marital happiness may look impassable. But has your marriage really reached its end?
During hard times, divorce may seem unavoidable. As with most decisions in life, however, there is more than one path. Despite the frequency it appears on divorce petitions, relatively few marriages have truly irreconcilable differences—those “incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment.”
A major study by Linda Waite at the University of Chicago found that in so called unhappy marriages, almost 8 out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. The researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happier.
Most problems in marriage can be successfully resolved … if you and your partner are both willing to do the work. Below are some common sources of marital strain and how to deal with each issue.
Common Marriage Problems
We’ve Grown Apart
“We just grew apart,” is one of the most common phrases heard among divorcing couples. People continue to grow and evolve over the years—sometimes in directions we don’t like. These changes, however, rarely happen overnight. And since married couples generally live under the same roof, these changes shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise. You may feel threatened by the changes in your spouse. You may feel that these changes don’t fit as neatly with who you are. But you don’t have to share every interest or personality trait as your spouse in order to have a strong marriage.
We’re Drowning Financially
You (or your spouse) may be contributing to your financial difficulties in the form of debt, unemployment or wasteful spending. However, the state of marriage itself is unlikely to be causing your money problems. Married couples are generally better off economically than their single counterparts. Take a hard look at your finances and create a plan with your spouse to improve your situation. If needed, look into debt consolidation or credit counseling.
I Got Married too Young
Some couples who marry young later regret their decision. If you are struggling with this feeling, communicate to your spouse that you love them but feel you missed out on some important experiences. Ask for his/her support in finding ways to achieve these goal(s) while protecting your marriage. Arrange to take that vacation, get that degree, or fulfill that long-cherished dream. Marriage does not have to be a barrier to personal fulfillment.
He/She/I Had an Affair
Few things have the potential to erode trust in a marriage as much as infidelity. If both parties are willing to work on rebuilding the relationship, however, even infidelity doesn’t have to result in divorce. For your marriage to recover, you will likely need the support of friends, family, a support group, or a professional counselor. Additionally, the cheating spouse will need to make amends and agree to accountability measures to prevent future infidelities. Additionally, the spouse who was betrayed must commit to learning to forgive his/her spouse.
My Spouse is Abusive
All forms of abuse are unacceptable, whether the abuse is in the form physical violence, sexual coercion, or cruelty. If you are an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). The conversation is anonymous and confidential and help is available 24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Do not put yourself in a situation that threatens your physical or psychological safety.
We Can’t/Don’t Communicate
We are taught how to speak, spell and write. However, most of us have never really been taught how to communicate. Marriage and relationship education can help enhance your communication with your spouse. For deep-rooted issues, a therapist can offer additional insight. Even if only one partner is willing to attend, counseling can often enhance marital satisfaction.
We’re No Longer “In Love”
Forget every sappy movie you have ever seen. Forget all the poetry you read in high school. Real love doesn’t always feel lovey-dovey. Love isn’t bliss. Love isn’t sexual excitement. True love is an act of will. Love may be the only miracle most of us are capable of producing on a regular basis. You may not feel the same rush of emotion that you once did, but you have the ability to continue feeling—and showing—love to your spouse.
All marriages eventually experience some road-blocks. However, with the help of your partner—and those around you—you have the ability to clear most of these obstacles. The road to marital happiness may sometimes be bumpy, but it is rarely impassable.
Managing a Long Distance Relationship with Your Fiance
Source:www.twoofus.org
Long distance relationships are more common than ever and can vary from couple to couple. When you are planning to get married and are physically separated it doesn’t matter if you’re 200 miles apart or half way around the globe. Reasons for separation may include military deployment, job relocation, professional training, attending college, family or other circumstances. Maintaining an intimate bond with your fiancé while many miles separate you can be a challenge. Establish clear expectations and boundaries to stay connected and ensure that you both maintain a satisfying relationship. This takes trust, good communication and some creativity.
Define Expectations before the Separation
Regardless of whether the news of separation came before or after your engagement, it is important to discuss your plans for after you are reunited. The specific date of reunification is not always within your control, but it should be a topic of conversation and something you are both preparing for and working toward. Being separated indefinitely adds additional stress and uncertainty to any relationship. Discuss and set boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex and respect what you fiancé is or is not comfortable with. Understand each others’ expectations for individual and group social interaction and plan how best to communicate regularly.
Schedule Regular “Date Nights”
Dating doesn’t have to be in person. The purpose of a date is to get to know one another better, share the same experience and have fun. Talk about how you might be able to connect with one another. If your fiancé is deployed for the military, he/she might be very limited in the amount of time spent corresponding with you. If your partner is attending college in another state or on an extended business trip, regular “date nights” might be easier. Decide what works for you as a couple and what is reasonable based on your specific circumstances such as the frequency of the “dates” (once a week, once a month, etc.) and method for connecting (online chat, skype, phone, email, etc.). It is important to not only take a close look at what makes sense to you, but also to understand how your fiancé feels. Your individual expectations may be very different so it is crucial that you compromise, take appropriate actions, and stick to it!
Schedule In-person Visits
Phone calls and emails are generally not enough to maintain a close bond over an extended period of time. Communication is a key component, but spending time together is also very important for engaged couples (to the extent possible in your situation). Do the things you enjoy as a couple and develop traditions.
When you’re together, have fun! The time usually flies by but make sure you schedule time to talk about the wedding, life (work, finances, family, etc.) and any issues that may have arisen between the two of you (which are usually better resolved in person). Although scheduling time to talk about serious or pressing issues isn’t fun, learning to do it can strengthen your future marriage. Although you don’t want to put a damper on the limited amount of time you might see each other face-to-face, you don’t want to postpone necessary discussions indefinitely.
Be Creative with your Interactions
Think of some unique ways to connect with your partner. Surprise your fiancé with an “I Love You” ad in the classifieds section of his/her local newspaper. Leave detailed voice messages or a video message so your partner can hear/see you. During a virtual date night, rent the same movie, watch it at the same time and talk about it afterwards. Write letters and send care packages. Not only will your fiancé have something physical to remind him/her of you, but this action demonstrates that you took extra time (above and beyond a quick email or phone call) to make him or her feel special.
Trust and Be Trusted
As hard as it may be at times, try not to make assumptions about what your fiancé is doing when you aren’t around. On the same token, you want to give him/her every reason to maintain trust in you. Don’t put yourself in risky situations. Use discretion when spending time with members of the opposite sex. If your fiancé were there, would this interaction make him/her uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, it would be wise to avoid those situations.
Understand that people and circumstances are continually changing, and that being separated may mean you are each having different life experiences. Talk about these and learn to grow together through your experiences. Effective and frequent communication should alleviate any insecurities you may have.
Staying connected to your fiancé while being physically apart is possible. It is important to openly discuss the boundaries and expectations you each have for your relationship and maintain open lines of communication. And remember, stay creative!
Long distance relationships are more common than ever and can vary from couple to couple. When you are planning to get married and are physically separated it doesn’t matter if you’re 200 miles apart or half way around the globe. Reasons for separation may include military deployment, job relocation, professional training, attending college, family or other circumstances. Maintaining an intimate bond with your fiancé while many miles separate you can be a challenge. Establish clear expectations and boundaries to stay connected and ensure that you both maintain a satisfying relationship. This takes trust, good communication and some creativity.
Define Expectations before the Separation
Regardless of whether the news of separation came before or after your engagement, it is important to discuss your plans for after you are reunited. The specific date of reunification is not always within your control, but it should be a topic of conversation and something you are both preparing for and working toward. Being separated indefinitely adds additional stress and uncertainty to any relationship. Discuss and set boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex and respect what you fiancé is or is not comfortable with. Understand each others’ expectations for individual and group social interaction and plan how best to communicate regularly.
Schedule Regular “Date Nights”
Dating doesn’t have to be in person. The purpose of a date is to get to know one another better, share the same experience and have fun. Talk about how you might be able to connect with one another. If your fiancé is deployed for the military, he/she might be very limited in the amount of time spent corresponding with you. If your partner is attending college in another state or on an extended business trip, regular “date nights” might be easier. Decide what works for you as a couple and what is reasonable based on your specific circumstances such as the frequency of the “dates” (once a week, once a month, etc.) and method for connecting (online chat, skype, phone, email, etc.). It is important to not only take a close look at what makes sense to you, but also to understand how your fiancé feels. Your individual expectations may be very different so it is crucial that you compromise, take appropriate actions, and stick to it!
Schedule In-person Visits
Phone calls and emails are generally not enough to maintain a close bond over an extended period of time. Communication is a key component, but spending time together is also very important for engaged couples (to the extent possible in your situation). Do the things you enjoy as a couple and develop traditions.
When you’re together, have fun! The time usually flies by but make sure you schedule time to talk about the wedding, life (work, finances, family, etc.) and any issues that may have arisen between the two of you (which are usually better resolved in person). Although scheduling time to talk about serious or pressing issues isn’t fun, learning to do it can strengthen your future marriage. Although you don’t want to put a damper on the limited amount of time you might see each other face-to-face, you don’t want to postpone necessary discussions indefinitely.
Be Creative with your Interactions
Think of some unique ways to connect with your partner. Surprise your fiancé with an “I Love You” ad in the classifieds section of his/her local newspaper. Leave detailed voice messages or a video message so your partner can hear/see you. During a virtual date night, rent the same movie, watch it at the same time and talk about it afterwards. Write letters and send care packages. Not only will your fiancé have something physical to remind him/her of you, but this action demonstrates that you took extra time (above and beyond a quick email or phone call) to make him or her feel special.
Trust and Be Trusted
As hard as it may be at times, try not to make assumptions about what your fiancé is doing when you aren’t around. On the same token, you want to give him/her every reason to maintain trust in you. Don’t put yourself in risky situations. Use discretion when spending time with members of the opposite sex. If your fiancé were there, would this interaction make him/her uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, it would be wise to avoid those situations.
Understand that people and circumstances are continually changing, and that being separated may mean you are each having different life experiences. Talk about these and learn to grow together through your experiences. Effective and frequent communication should alleviate any insecurities you may have.
Staying connected to your fiancé while being physically apart is possible. It is important to openly discuss the boundaries and expectations you each have for your relationship and maintain open lines of communication. And remember, stay creative!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Married Discussion: Weathering Storms in Your Marriage
Source:www.twoofus.org
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
- James Thurber
Bankruptcy, chronic illness, adultery, poor communication and other trials have destroyed many marriages. But other marriages have weathered similar storms and emerged intact. What helps carry one marriage through seemingly impossible circumstances while others crash on the rocks? Do you have what is necessary to see your marriage through hard times? Is love really something you have to “go through” with someone?
Marriage is more than an act of love—it is an act of will. And in times of trial, it may take all the strength you have to fight for your marriage. But while few marriages emerge totally unscarred by tempests, many do emerge stronger—and smarter—from the lessons learned from conflict.
Disappointment in a marriage is incredibly painful—our partner is often the one we expect to lean on during hard times. So when our partner fails us, the emotional fallout is all the more damaging.
Trials may batter your marriage and test your resolve. If you are committed to seeing your marriage through tough times, you will need to summon all your strength. Below are some ways to help you weather crises in your relationship:
Stockpile forgiveness—You will both need it throughout the course of your marriage.
Don’t let bitterness erode your marriage—Deal with issues when they first arise.
Strengthen your defenses—Develop personal character, patience and understanding.
Avoid sinkholes—Debt, addiction and infidelity all bring strain to a relationship.
Don’t dig up old debris—Trust is not quickly rebuilt, but constantly digging up past wounds traps both you and your partner in old wreckage and diminishes your present happiness.
Call upon forces greater than yourself—People in life-threatening crises are not shy about asking for help, whether from a higher power, a support group or a trusted friend—people in marital crises shouldn’t be shy about calling upon these same sources of strength.
Don’t be a casualty—If your spouse is abusive, seek help immediately.
Take ownership for your actions—Acknowledge that your words and conduct can wound your spouse.
Count your blessings—During times of conflict, it can be hard to remember what is good about your relationship; reminding yourself of your partner’s positive traits and the good times you have shared can help you keep a balanced perspective.
Remember habits are hard to unlearn—Change is possible, but most bad habits and attitudes take time to “unlearn”—understand that a relapse is possible.
Be emotionally resilient—Don’t let petty frustrations wear you out.
Don’t expect miracles from a mortal—Even the best men and women will fail each other; ask yourself if your frustrations are based on realistic expectations—if not, be prepared to release your partner from this unfair burden.
Build on a good foundation—Relationships founded on common values and mutual respect have the best chance of surviving hardships; it is never too late to fortify the base of your relationship.
Maybe you aren’t willing to accept Thuber’s description of love as something you have to “go through” with another person. The concept may offend your romantic sensibilities, even depress you. Whether or not you agree with Thuber’s definition, the fact is all long-term relationships will experience some level of hardship.
Acknowledging the inevitability of conflict in your marriage does not mean you have to relinquish your vision of an incredible marriage. It just means that a little rain may fall, at least for a while, on that vision. Whether this rain simply makes you muddy and angry—or whether you allow the rain to accomplish a good work in your marriage—is largely up to you.
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
- James Thurber
Bankruptcy, chronic illness, adultery, poor communication and other trials have destroyed many marriages. But other marriages have weathered similar storms and emerged intact. What helps carry one marriage through seemingly impossible circumstances while others crash on the rocks? Do you have what is necessary to see your marriage through hard times? Is love really something you have to “go through” with someone?
Marriage is more than an act of love—it is an act of will. And in times of trial, it may take all the strength you have to fight for your marriage. But while few marriages emerge totally unscarred by tempests, many do emerge stronger—and smarter—from the lessons learned from conflict.
Disappointment in a marriage is incredibly painful—our partner is often the one we expect to lean on during hard times. So when our partner fails us, the emotional fallout is all the more damaging.
Trials may batter your marriage and test your resolve. If you are committed to seeing your marriage through tough times, you will need to summon all your strength. Below are some ways to help you weather crises in your relationship:
Stockpile forgiveness—You will both need it throughout the course of your marriage.
Don’t let bitterness erode your marriage—Deal with issues when they first arise.
Strengthen your defenses—Develop personal character, patience and understanding.
Avoid sinkholes—Debt, addiction and infidelity all bring strain to a relationship.
Don’t dig up old debris—Trust is not quickly rebuilt, but constantly digging up past wounds traps both you and your partner in old wreckage and diminishes your present happiness.
Call upon forces greater than yourself—People in life-threatening crises are not shy about asking for help, whether from a higher power, a support group or a trusted friend—people in marital crises shouldn’t be shy about calling upon these same sources of strength.
Don’t be a casualty—If your spouse is abusive, seek help immediately.
Take ownership for your actions—Acknowledge that your words and conduct can wound your spouse.
Count your blessings—During times of conflict, it can be hard to remember what is good about your relationship; reminding yourself of your partner’s positive traits and the good times you have shared can help you keep a balanced perspective.
Remember habits are hard to unlearn—Change is possible, but most bad habits and attitudes take time to “unlearn”—understand that a relapse is possible.
Be emotionally resilient—Don’t let petty frustrations wear you out.
Don’t expect miracles from a mortal—Even the best men and women will fail each other; ask yourself if your frustrations are based on realistic expectations—if not, be prepared to release your partner from this unfair burden.
Build on a good foundation—Relationships founded on common values and mutual respect have the best chance of surviving hardships; it is never too late to fortify the base of your relationship.
Maybe you aren’t willing to accept Thuber’s description of love as something you have to “go through” with another person. The concept may offend your romantic sensibilities, even depress you. Whether or not you agree with Thuber’s definition, the fact is all long-term relationships will experience some level of hardship.
Acknowledging the inevitability of conflict in your marriage does not mean you have to relinquish your vision of an incredible marriage. It just means that a little rain may fall, at least for a while, on that vision. Whether this rain simply makes you muddy and angry—or whether you allow the rain to accomplish a good work in your marriage—is largely up to you.
Committed Relationship: Top 10 Challenges Couples Face in Forming & Sustaining Healthy Relationships & Marriages
Source:www.twoofus.org
1. Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what “healthy” looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship.
2. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship.
3. Lack of Communication Skills: “Learning how to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings (even when different from one another), how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don’t even want to try is the challenge.” ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY
4. Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to “unlearn” old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions.
5. Media Influence on Participants' Perception of Healthy Relationships -- what healthy relationships look like and how to achieve them.
6. Addictive Behaviors
7. Lack of Introspection or Willingness to Look at Individual Issues that Need to Change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure and do not identify a target for personal behavior change.
8. Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc.
9. Finances: Poor credit; lack of money management knowledge; using money as a power differential; debt; child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships; fear of committing to relationship without having everything “together” financially; or no clear plan for getting things “together” financially.
10. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. “Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.
1. Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what “healthy” looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship.
2. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship.
3. Lack of Communication Skills: “Learning how to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings (even when different from one another), how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don’t even want to try is the challenge.” ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY
4. Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to “unlearn” old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions.
5. Media Influence on Participants' Perception of Healthy Relationships -- what healthy relationships look like and how to achieve them.
6. Addictive Behaviors
7. Lack of Introspection or Willingness to Look at Individual Issues that Need to Change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure and do not identify a target for personal behavior change.
8. Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc.
9. Finances: Poor credit; lack of money management knowledge; using money as a power differential; debt; child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships; fear of committing to relationship without having everything “together” financially; or no clear plan for getting things “together” financially.
10. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. “Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Married Discussion: Learning Languages of Love in Marriage
Source: University of Arkansas
Love is more than words. It is more than an occasional gift. Love is a commitment to another person that shows itself in our willingness to adapt to and cooperate with another person. It is hard work. When we are first courting a person, we are delighted that someone notices us and cares about us. Every gift is cherished. As the years pass, it requires more than any-old-gift to show genuine love. But, if we have been paying attention, we know more about what is important to our partner. We are better at loving.
Loving is the most rewarding thing a person can do. It is rewarding not only in that it provides us companionship with another person, it is also rewarding because, in the process of coming to understand and work with another person, we become more sensitive, tender and unselfish. It makes us become better humans.
Some people may think that the great evidence of love is the oft-repeated words: "I love you." But love is more than words. It requires us to notice what is important to our partners. For example, if you were to give a very expensive dog to your partner as a gift, it would only be an effective evidence of love if your partner wanted a dog. For many partners such a gift would be a sign of insensitivity.
People like to be shown love in different ways. These different ways might be thought of as different languages of love. When we really love another person, we study what is important to him or her. We customize our messages of love to fit our partner's preferences.
One language of love is telling. Some people love to hear words of affection. "I love you." "I enjoy being with you." "You mean so much to me." Some people want to hear such words every day, maybe even several times every day. Yet some people think that words are not enough or are not a meaningful demonstration of love.
Another language is showing. Some people want to see love in action. "If you love me, help me around the house." "If you love me, make time to be with me." "Show me your love by the way you help with the children." For some people, actions speak much louder than words.
Another language is touching. Some people love to hug and cuddle. They appreciate a partner who holds his or her hand. They may like to sit close. Physical closeness is important to them.
Most people do not want love in just one language; we all have a combination of languages of love. One may prefer showing with occasional telling. Another may want a lot of hugging with regular doses of showing. We may discover another person's language of love by noticing how that person shows love, noticing how that person has preferred to receive love, or asking what that person enjoys.
There are other powerful languages of love: taking time and showing understanding. These two languages are so important that a separate unit is dedicated to each of them. Since languages of love are also important in our relationships with our children, there are units on that subject in this series.
Gladly accept your partner's efforts to show you love while sending clear messages about your preferences. Sometimes we become impatient with our partner's efforts to show us love. Sometimes our languages are so different from each other that it is hard for either of us to get the message through. We can choose to appreciate our partners' best efforts, and we can keep trying to be more effective in our own efforts to show love.
Loving takes effort. That is good news! Real love requires a real commitment and leads to real growth. You can never show love perfectly, but you can keep trying. The willingness to keep trying is part of the message of love.
Applications:
As you try to discover how to best show your love for your partner, consider your relationship history. When have you felt closest to each other? When has each of you felt most loved by the other? How can you build such relationship-building time into your relationship now? Discuss this with your partner. What are the ways that your partner can best show love to you? What are the clearest signs of his or her love? What additional ways would you like your partner to show you love? Let your partner know your preferences. Sometimes we make ourselves unavailable for love to our partner by ignoring or discounting the ways he or she shows love. "He says he loves me but he never shows it." "If she really cared she would understand my feelings." If we do not accept our partner's best effort, we may discourage him or her from trying. What are some ways that your partner tries to show his or her love?
Love is more than words. It is more than an occasional gift. Love is a commitment to another person that shows itself in our willingness to adapt to and cooperate with another person. It is hard work. When we are first courting a person, we are delighted that someone notices us and cares about us. Every gift is cherished. As the years pass, it requires more than any-old-gift to show genuine love. But, if we have been paying attention, we know more about what is important to our partner. We are better at loving.
Loving is the most rewarding thing a person can do. It is rewarding not only in that it provides us companionship with another person, it is also rewarding because, in the process of coming to understand and work with another person, we become more sensitive, tender and unselfish. It makes us become better humans.
Some people may think that the great evidence of love is the oft-repeated words: "I love you." But love is more than words. It requires us to notice what is important to our partners. For example, if you were to give a very expensive dog to your partner as a gift, it would only be an effective evidence of love if your partner wanted a dog. For many partners such a gift would be a sign of insensitivity.
People like to be shown love in different ways. These different ways might be thought of as different languages of love. When we really love another person, we study what is important to him or her. We customize our messages of love to fit our partner's preferences.
One language of love is telling. Some people love to hear words of affection. "I love you." "I enjoy being with you." "You mean so much to me." Some people want to hear such words every day, maybe even several times every day. Yet some people think that words are not enough or are not a meaningful demonstration of love.
Another language is showing. Some people want to see love in action. "If you love me, help me around the house." "If you love me, make time to be with me." "Show me your love by the way you help with the children." For some people, actions speak much louder than words.
Another language is touching. Some people love to hug and cuddle. They appreciate a partner who holds his or her hand. They may like to sit close. Physical closeness is important to them.
Most people do not want love in just one language; we all have a combination of languages of love. One may prefer showing with occasional telling. Another may want a lot of hugging with regular doses of showing. We may discover another person's language of love by noticing how that person shows love, noticing how that person has preferred to receive love, or asking what that person enjoys.
There are other powerful languages of love: taking time and showing understanding. These two languages are so important that a separate unit is dedicated to each of them. Since languages of love are also important in our relationships with our children, there are units on that subject in this series.
Gladly accept your partner's efforts to show you love while sending clear messages about your preferences. Sometimes we become impatient with our partner's efforts to show us love. Sometimes our languages are so different from each other that it is hard for either of us to get the message through. We can choose to appreciate our partners' best efforts, and we can keep trying to be more effective in our own efforts to show love.
Loving takes effort. That is good news! Real love requires a real commitment and leads to real growth. You can never show love perfectly, but you can keep trying. The willingness to keep trying is part of the message of love.
Applications:
As you try to discover how to best show your love for your partner, consider your relationship history. When have you felt closest to each other? When has each of you felt most loved by the other? How can you build such relationship-building time into your relationship now? Discuss this with your partner. What are the ways that your partner can best show love to you? What are the clearest signs of his or her love? What additional ways would you like your partner to show you love? Let your partner know your preferences. Sometimes we make ourselves unavailable for love to our partner by ignoring or discounting the ways he or she shows love. "He says he loves me but he never shows it." "If she really cared she would understand my feelings." If we do not accept our partner's best effort, we may discourage him or her from trying. What are some ways that your partner tries to show his or her love?
Committed Relationships Discussion: Top 10 Myths About Marriage
Source: www.twoofus.org
The way marriages are portrayed through media and popular culture can cloud our expectations of marriage and set the stage for disappointment during marriage. Do your own reality check by reading this top 10 list of myths.
Myth: Marriage will solve all of your problems.
Reality: Any unaddressed problems you had prior to your marriage, you still have when you get married (and you could carry into future marriages). Marriage isn’t a magic wand that can take a person’s troubles away (even if it feels like that’s what happening in the beginning). Take inventory of the issues you “bring to the marriage table” and address them with the love and support of your spouse.
Myth: Good, healthy marriages come naturally--couples don't have to work at it--romance will always be alive in a good marriage.
Reality: All relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making commitment is crucial. When you are in a valley, try compiling a list of your spouse’s virtues to remind yourself of why you love him/her.
Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to test if the marriage will be successful.
Reality: Cohabitation is not a good “test” for marriage. In fact, we now know that cohabitation prior to marriage in many circumstances is associated with negative marital outcomes.
Myth: Your love life is neutral.
Reality: Your love life has spillover effects into friendships, other familial relationships,
co-workers, etc. It also affects your physical and mental health.
Myth: "Never go to bed angry."
Reality: This maxim can become counterproductive “if an argument drags on and you're only getting less agreeable with each other. It's OK to call a time out, set a time to reconnect the next day when you're fresher and have had time to cool off.”
~Susan Vogt, Author and Speaker
Myth: Healthy marriages are conflict free.
Reality: In actuality, all couples experience conflict, but healthy couples can communicate and resolve conflict effectively.
Myth: Your spouse completes you.
Reality: You were always a complete individual. A spouse can complement you, but not complete you, nor is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs.
Myth: Married people have less satisfying sex lives than single people.
Reality: According to a large-scale survey of Americans, married people report having sex more often and enjoying it more that their single counterparts.
Myth: Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
Reality: Successful marriages aren’t generally the result of luck or chance. Couples with enduring, healthy marriages typically share similar values and life goals and have both a strong commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another.
Myth: Marriage conflicts only stem from the behavior of the spouses.
Reality: It is amazing how much outside people, situations and events can impact your marriage. Strong boundaries around your marital relationship will help you and your spouse weather the storms of outside interference, such as nosey in-laws, demanding children and extra-marital temptations.
The way marriages are portrayed through media and popular culture can cloud our expectations of marriage and set the stage for disappointment during marriage. Do your own reality check by reading this top 10 list of myths.
Myth: Marriage will solve all of your problems.
Reality: Any unaddressed problems you had prior to your marriage, you still have when you get married (and you could carry into future marriages). Marriage isn’t a magic wand that can take a person’s troubles away (even if it feels like that’s what happening in the beginning). Take inventory of the issues you “bring to the marriage table” and address them with the love and support of your spouse.
Myth: Good, healthy marriages come naturally--couples don't have to work at it--romance will always be alive in a good marriage.
Reality: All relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making commitment is crucial. When you are in a valley, try compiling a list of your spouse’s virtues to remind yourself of why you love him/her.
Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to test if the marriage will be successful.
Reality: Cohabitation is not a good “test” for marriage. In fact, we now know that cohabitation prior to marriage in many circumstances is associated with negative marital outcomes.
Myth: Your love life is neutral.
Reality: Your love life has spillover effects into friendships, other familial relationships,
co-workers, etc. It also affects your physical and mental health.
Myth: "Never go to bed angry."
Reality: This maxim can become counterproductive “if an argument drags on and you're only getting less agreeable with each other. It's OK to call a time out, set a time to reconnect the next day when you're fresher and have had time to cool off.”
~Susan Vogt, Author and Speaker
Myth: Healthy marriages are conflict free.
Reality: In actuality, all couples experience conflict, but healthy couples can communicate and resolve conflict effectively.
Myth: Your spouse completes you.
Reality: You were always a complete individual. A spouse can complement you, but not complete you, nor is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs.
Myth: Married people have less satisfying sex lives than single people.
Reality: According to a large-scale survey of Americans, married people report having sex more often and enjoying it more that their single counterparts.
Myth: Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
Reality: Successful marriages aren’t generally the result of luck or chance. Couples with enduring, healthy marriages typically share similar values and life goals and have both a strong commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another.
Myth: Marriage conflicts only stem from the behavior of the spouses.
Reality: It is amazing how much outside people, situations and events can impact your marriage. Strong boundaries around your marital relationship will help you and your spouse weather the storms of outside interference, such as nosey in-laws, demanding children and extra-marital temptations.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
5 Ways to Find Time for Your Spouse
Source:www.twoofus.org
It's tough to be a parent one minute and an attentive spouse the next. So if a strong marriage provides your kids with a much-needed sense of stability and security, how do you make time for your spouse and your marriage? Here are five tips:
Plan Regular Date Nights
Hire a sitter and grab dinner and a movie every week or month. Short on time? Meet each other for lunch. Short on funds? Watch a movie at home after the kids fall asleep. It's not what you do that matters. The important thing is that you spend time together having fun. Date nights are a time to connect and talk like adults, ignore the "business" of life (bills, parenting issues, in-laws), and just spend time together! Even when you're married, it's important to continue to get to know each other and talk about everything from the weather to your feelings, hopes, and plans for the future. We all grow and change over time and "dating" is a great way to keep in touch.
Explore the Little Things
Take advantage of smaller encounters and moments to let your spouse know how much you love them. When you see each other at the end of the day, stop what you're doing, greet each other, and talk briefly. Offer compliments, and do them a favor (or two!) without being asked. Don't take your spouse for granted. Show them often that you care.
Talk
Make time for small talk and meaningful discussions. Be respectful and listen when your partner talks. You don't need hours to connect, just some uninterrupted time. Communicating and working together to solve problems are key to maintaining healthy relationships. Look into marriage education workshops in your area to learn tools to help you make the most of the time you have to talk with each other.
Do It Together
Take up a hobby, enroll in a class, or pursue an activity you both enjoy. Again, it's all about spending time together as a couple and enjoying yourselves. If you can't agree on an activity, consider creating a list of experiences you'd each like to try and alternate from one list to the other. You may find that regardless of the activity, the opportunity to spend time together as a couple makes the event worthwhile!
Make Time for Sex
When it was just the two of you, there was no need to make time for sex; it just happened. Unfortunately, spontaneous intimacy isn't one of the hallmarks of parenting. Babies need your full attention, which can leave you too exhausted for sex when a private moment arrives. And just when the children become old enough to give you a bit of free time, interruptions become an issue. It won't be easy but you need to make sex a priority in your marriage. The intimate, one-on-one time you share will be exactly the closeness you and your spouse need to stay connected.
Conclusion
Parenting is stressful. It's no wonder many couples let their marriages run on autopilot while they devote their energy to the kids. While it's important to give your kids your love and attention, it's just as important to maintain a healthy marriage.
It's tough to be a parent one minute and an attentive spouse the next. So if a strong marriage provides your kids with a much-needed sense of stability and security, how do you make time for your spouse and your marriage? Here are five tips:
Plan Regular Date Nights
Hire a sitter and grab dinner and a movie every week or month. Short on time? Meet each other for lunch. Short on funds? Watch a movie at home after the kids fall asleep. It's not what you do that matters. The important thing is that you spend time together having fun. Date nights are a time to connect and talk like adults, ignore the "business" of life (bills, parenting issues, in-laws), and just spend time together! Even when you're married, it's important to continue to get to know each other and talk about everything from the weather to your feelings, hopes, and plans for the future. We all grow and change over time and "dating" is a great way to keep in touch.
Explore the Little Things
Take advantage of smaller encounters and moments to let your spouse know how much you love them. When you see each other at the end of the day, stop what you're doing, greet each other, and talk briefly. Offer compliments, and do them a favor (or two!) without being asked. Don't take your spouse for granted. Show them often that you care.
Talk
Make time for small talk and meaningful discussions. Be respectful and listen when your partner talks. You don't need hours to connect, just some uninterrupted time. Communicating and working together to solve problems are key to maintaining healthy relationships. Look into marriage education workshops in your area to learn tools to help you make the most of the time you have to talk with each other.
Do It Together
Take up a hobby, enroll in a class, or pursue an activity you both enjoy. Again, it's all about spending time together as a couple and enjoying yourselves. If you can't agree on an activity, consider creating a list of experiences you'd each like to try and alternate from one list to the other. You may find that regardless of the activity, the opportunity to spend time together as a couple makes the event worthwhile!
Make Time for Sex
When it was just the two of you, there was no need to make time for sex; it just happened. Unfortunately, spontaneous intimacy isn't one of the hallmarks of parenting. Babies need your full attention, which can leave you too exhausted for sex when a private moment arrives. And just when the children become old enough to give you a bit of free time, interruptions become an issue. It won't be easy but you need to make sex a priority in your marriage. The intimate, one-on-one time you share will be exactly the closeness you and your spouse need to stay connected.
Conclusion
Parenting is stressful. It's no wonder many couples let their marriages run on autopilot while they devote their energy to the kids. While it's important to give your kids your love and attention, it's just as important to maintain a healthy marriage.
Getting Your Marriage off to a Great Start
Source: First Things First
Is there any way to guarantee that love can last forever? It has been said that those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Although many people are in love with the idea of marriage, many couples fail to prepare for inevitable bumps in the road ahead and are not ready to handle the tough times. Before you take a walk down the aisle, consider making some wise choices that will help ensure a successful marriage.
Premarital Education
Education provides an opportunity for couples to identify potential areas of conflict and to discuss those areas before saying, "I do." Experts say that some premarital inventories can predict with 80-percent accuracy which couples have the potential for divorce. These inventories can give couples an idea of what issues to work on in their relationship, therefore avoiding the divorce pitfall. Couples who receive education before marriage can resolve some important issues before they get out of hand and are more likely to seek help down the road. Some of the most hotly debated issues among couples are finances, in-laws, sex, employment, expectations and children.
Learn how to resolve conflict and communicate effectively.
Marital experts say that how couples manage conflict is a strong predictor of marital success or failure. Some danger signs include withdrawing or leaving during an argument, attacking the other person's character instead of focusing on the problem, and escalation. People who listen to each other and can talk as friends can learn a great deal about their partner and what they think is important. Resolving problems together is a win/win situation that encourages intimacy in the relationship.
Learn what your partner expects from marriage.
Knowing what your partner expects from you, and vice versa, can prepare you for the years ahead. Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships, while knowing what to expect and how to meet the needs of your partner can be the glue that holds your marriage together.
Be committed to the permanence of marriage.
Commitment, as well as love, is a choice. Couples who believe that divorce is not an option going into a marriage are less likely to take steps toward ending their relationship. In addition, older, more experienced couples can provide much wisdom and support through the years. Sometimes, mentor couples can give insight on handling difficulties constructively within the marital relationship.
Marriage is not a 50/50 relationship, as we often hear. It requires 100 percent from both partners. If you want to make your marriage last longer than the wedding flowers, it must be a top priority in the lives of both individuals.
Is there any way to guarantee that love can last forever? It has been said that those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Although many people are in love with the idea of marriage, many couples fail to prepare for inevitable bumps in the road ahead and are not ready to handle the tough times. Before you take a walk down the aisle, consider making some wise choices that will help ensure a successful marriage.
Premarital Education
Education provides an opportunity for couples to identify potential areas of conflict and to discuss those areas before saying, "I do." Experts say that some premarital inventories can predict with 80-percent accuracy which couples have the potential for divorce. These inventories can give couples an idea of what issues to work on in their relationship, therefore avoiding the divorce pitfall. Couples who receive education before marriage can resolve some important issues before they get out of hand and are more likely to seek help down the road. Some of the most hotly debated issues among couples are finances, in-laws, sex, employment, expectations and children.
Learn how to resolve conflict and communicate effectively.
Marital experts say that how couples manage conflict is a strong predictor of marital success or failure. Some danger signs include withdrawing or leaving during an argument, attacking the other person's character instead of focusing on the problem, and escalation. People who listen to each other and can talk as friends can learn a great deal about their partner and what they think is important. Resolving problems together is a win/win situation that encourages intimacy in the relationship.
Learn what your partner expects from marriage.
Knowing what your partner expects from you, and vice versa, can prepare you for the years ahead. Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships, while knowing what to expect and how to meet the needs of your partner can be the glue that holds your marriage together.
Be committed to the permanence of marriage.
Commitment, as well as love, is a choice. Couples who believe that divorce is not an option going into a marriage are less likely to take steps toward ending their relationship. In addition, older, more experienced couples can provide much wisdom and support through the years. Sometimes, mentor couples can give insight on handling difficulties constructively within the marital relationship.
Marriage is not a 50/50 relationship, as we often hear. It requires 100 percent from both partners. If you want to make your marriage last longer than the wedding flowers, it must be a top priority in the lives of both individuals.
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