Source:www.twoofus.org
Couples often go through periods of change, every day hassles and emotional issues that cause stress in their relationships. We all have stress in our lives, whether it is job-related, financial, marital, or parental. It can cause uncomfortable mental and physical reactions to life’s events. This challenges your marital relationship.
It’s important to understand how stressful events affect your marriage. Since you can’t avoid it, you have to be able to recognize and manage it. Finding a way to have a conversation about what is causing you stress, where you both finish the talk feeling relieved and satisfied, can make your relationship stronger. Here are some tips on how to handle stress in your relationship.
Figure Out What is Bothering You
Stress is tricky. We often say “I’m so stressed out!” but may have trouble figuring out what is causing it. Take the time to find out what the problem is and then share it with your spouse. Your partner may be able to help you deal with your stress. With increased awareness of what you are worried about, he/she can think of ways to keep from adding to your stress.
Bear in mind that your partner may not think you have any reason to be stressed. Help him/her understand why you are. Respect each other’s values and find ways to work together on the challenges. Your partner can give you a different point of view and together you can brainstorm ways to solve the issue that is causing your stress. Recognize that not every problem (or stressor) has a solution, but talking about it and sharing your feelings can help you manage it. Understand that if you don’t figure out how to successfully handle stress with your partner, problems in your marriage may emerge.
Stay Connected
Sometimes couples spend more time talking with their friends than their spouses about issues because they feel their partner might not understand them. Turning away from your partner during stressful events can be one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship. This can lead to feelings of rejection. Silence leads to greater frustration and increased anger, which can drive the two of you apart.
Try to strengthen your relationship by turning to each other often. You can do this by simply talking about the every-day events that happen in your lives, like the news, a good movie you saw, or the accomplishments of your children. This builds the confidence and trust you both need so you can discuss heavier and potentially stressful topics when they arise.
Maintain Intimacy
Intimacy is an important part of any successful marriage. While many people think intimacy pertains only to sex, it is much more than that. Being intimate with your partner means that you reveal your thoughts and your feelings (even though it may be embarrassing to do so), demonstrate affection, and work together to solve problems. By being open and honest we develop emotional intimacy. When we are stressed this is especially important. Intimacy gives your partner a chance to support you and in return, you are more likely to support them when they are stressed.
Couples might avoid being intimate with their partner during stressful times because they are too tired or emotionally drained, but this can be a mistake. Being intimate actually helps relieve tension and anxiety.
Find Balance
You can become overwhelmed with activities that you really don’t have time for. This can cause problems in your relationship and with the entire family. The more time spent on other things, the less time there is for the family.
Research has shown that work stress is linked to unhappiness in marriage. Don’t be a workaholic by choosing to stay connected through cell phones, emails and other technology. This can cause your partner to feel lonely and will hurt your relationship.
Parents can feel like keeping up with each family member’s schedule is a full time job. Scheduling the children’s activities and taking them to practices, games, recitals and events can get to be too much. To avoid family burn-out keep an eye out for signs of stress and cut back on activities as needed.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get back on track to a healthy marriage, it is a good idea to take a relationship education course. Marriage education can give you the skills, information and resources you need to help manage your stress and make your relationship better. Make time to enjoy each other and work on your relationship.
The kind of husband, wife, mother, father, or friend you are is shown by your actions and attitudes. Be watchful of long periods of loneliness, depression or mood swings in yourself or in your partner. If you see these signs, be willing to help or get help. Try to be aware of you and your partner’s emotions every day. Change the things in your life, or in your relationship, that you can control and accept the things that you cannot change.
Stress can come in many forms. The one thing you can count on is that it will be in your life. Try to remember that everyone handles stress differently. In other words, what causes one person to “stress-out” may be something that another person can easily handle. There is no cure-all for the stress that occurs in our lives, but we do have a choice about how we react to it. You and your spouse can together make an effort to control your thoughts and behaviors. Choose to lessen the effects of stress by communicating with each other. Communication also keeps one partner from feeling lonely, builds trust, shows commitment and can release the heavy burdens that you are feeling. Be kind, caring and show affection. Be aware of life’s stressors and don’t let them drive you and your partner apart.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Ready … or Not? How Does a Guy Know if He’s Ready to Commit?
Source:www.twoofus.org
You’re weary of the singles scene. Your bachelor buddies are dropping like flies. Your mom wants grandkids. And you’ve spent one too many nights alone. But does any of that mean you are ready for marriage, or even a deeper level of commitment?
How does a guy really know if he’s ready? Before you commit, take a personal inventory of your status and priorities. Some questions to ask yourself:
What’s important to you?
The loss of some personal freedom is inherent in any committed relationship. Are the rewards of a close, meaningful relationship worth more to you than the ability to go wherever you want, whenever you want? If not, you may not be ready to commit.
What can—and can’t—you live with?
You will never find the perfect woman. Never. Accepting that reality can be liberating. It doesn’t mean you lower your standards, it just means you understand what realistic standards are. Decide what qualities are most essential to you in a woman. Know what attributes will drive you insane. Don’t worry so much about everything else in the middle.
Where do you keep your baggage?
We all have some baggage from past relationships. The question is, is your relationship baggage stowed safely on a shelf, or are you still carrying it around on your back? Before you enter a committed relationship, make sure you have put some emotional distance between you and your pain. Otherwise, you may unfairly project old issues onto new relationships.
Does the thought of monogamy terrify you?
For most people, commitment means monogamy. And for many, monogamy is a frightening prospect. Despite the myth that marriage ruins sex, research suggests that married men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually-active singles and cohabiting couples. But if such research leaves you unconvinced and you don’t think you can be faithful to one woman, commitment may not be for you.
How are your finances?
You don’t have to be a millionaire, but men who are relatively financially stable are more likely to have successful marriages. Like emotional baggage, debt is something you don’t want to drag too much of into a relationship. If you have significant debt, this may be something you want to tackle before heading into a deeper commitment. While debt can strain a relationship, marriage can actually have a positive impact on a man’s financial situation. Married men earn 10 to 40 percent more than single men with similar credentials. And median household income has risen faster for married men than single men. Between 1970 and 2007, median household income rose 60% for married men versus 16% for unmarried men. Some of this increase is attributable to the rise in dual-income households—when men married in 1970, they rarely gained an additional breadwinner. Now women make up nearly half of the workforce and their earnings grew 44% between 1970 and 2007 (Pew Research Center).
So after reviewing the questions above, does settling down sound appealing … or just like settling?
A committed relationship can seem daunting, but it is not without its rewards. Married men are healthier, more affluent and more sexually satisfied than their single counterparts. In order to fully appreciate these rewards, however, you must first determine their worth to you and weigh these against any real or perceived sacrifices associated with a committed relationship.
You’re weary of the singles scene. Your bachelor buddies are dropping like flies. Your mom wants grandkids. And you’ve spent one too many nights alone. But does any of that mean you are ready for marriage, or even a deeper level of commitment?
How does a guy really know if he’s ready? Before you commit, take a personal inventory of your status and priorities. Some questions to ask yourself:
What’s important to you?
The loss of some personal freedom is inherent in any committed relationship. Are the rewards of a close, meaningful relationship worth more to you than the ability to go wherever you want, whenever you want? If not, you may not be ready to commit.
What can—and can’t—you live with?
You will never find the perfect woman. Never. Accepting that reality can be liberating. It doesn’t mean you lower your standards, it just means you understand what realistic standards are. Decide what qualities are most essential to you in a woman. Know what attributes will drive you insane. Don’t worry so much about everything else in the middle.
Where do you keep your baggage?
We all have some baggage from past relationships. The question is, is your relationship baggage stowed safely on a shelf, or are you still carrying it around on your back? Before you enter a committed relationship, make sure you have put some emotional distance between you and your pain. Otherwise, you may unfairly project old issues onto new relationships.
Does the thought of monogamy terrify you?
For most people, commitment means monogamy. And for many, monogamy is a frightening prospect. Despite the myth that marriage ruins sex, research suggests that married men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually-active singles and cohabiting couples. But if such research leaves you unconvinced and you don’t think you can be faithful to one woman, commitment may not be for you.
How are your finances?
You don’t have to be a millionaire, but men who are relatively financially stable are more likely to have successful marriages. Like emotional baggage, debt is something you don’t want to drag too much of into a relationship. If you have significant debt, this may be something you want to tackle before heading into a deeper commitment. While debt can strain a relationship, marriage can actually have a positive impact on a man’s financial situation. Married men earn 10 to 40 percent more than single men with similar credentials. And median household income has risen faster for married men than single men. Between 1970 and 2007, median household income rose 60% for married men versus 16% for unmarried men. Some of this increase is attributable to the rise in dual-income households—when men married in 1970, they rarely gained an additional breadwinner. Now women make up nearly half of the workforce and their earnings grew 44% between 1970 and 2007 (Pew Research Center).
So after reviewing the questions above, does settling down sound appealing … or just like settling?
A committed relationship can seem daunting, but it is not without its rewards. Married men are healthier, more affluent and more sexually satisfied than their single counterparts. In order to fully appreciate these rewards, however, you must first determine their worth to you and weigh these against any real or perceived sacrifices associated with a committed relationship.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Ho-Hum Marriages
Source: First Things First
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? You aren’t alone.
According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic. Then when careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along, couples are often thrown for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person?” “Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy?” “Did I get married for all the wrong reasons?”
“Love is an interesting emotion,” said Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the tingles. You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.
“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When couples are encouraged to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”
Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, it is faulty to believe these feelings are permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years, then people come off their high.
How does this relate to a ho-hum marriage, you might ask?
When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that you thought were so cute when you were dating are now the things that get on your last nerve.
“For many couples, they are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” said Dr. Chapman. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they start having thoughts like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”
Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, well groomed, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to possess all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.
“This is when people start thinking thoughts like ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ in an effort to convince themselves that the marriage they are in was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” said Dr. Chapman. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they have finally found the right person.”
So what do you do?
Recognize the tingles for what they are - they aren’t always trustworthy.
Keep your guard up – when there are troubles at home, know that you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.
Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage friendly.
Be weary of those you want to give you advice - even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.
Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You can feel the tingles again for your spouse.
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? You aren’t alone.
According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic. Then when careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along, couples are often thrown for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person?” “Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy?” “Did I get married for all the wrong reasons?”
“Love is an interesting emotion,” said Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the tingles. You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.
“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When couples are encouraged to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”
Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, it is faulty to believe these feelings are permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years, then people come off their high.
How does this relate to a ho-hum marriage, you might ask?
When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that you thought were so cute when you were dating are now the things that get on your last nerve.
“For many couples, they are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” said Dr. Chapman. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they start having thoughts like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”
Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, well groomed, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to possess all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.
“This is when people start thinking thoughts like ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ in an effort to convince themselves that the marriage they are in was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” said Dr. Chapman. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they have finally found the right person.”
So what do you do?
Recognize the tingles for what they are - they aren’t always trustworthy.
Keep your guard up – when there are troubles at home, know that you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.
Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage friendly.
Be weary of those you want to give you advice - even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.
Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You can feel the tingles again for your spouse.
Should You Take Your Fiance's Last Name?
Source:www.twoofus.org
The vast majority of women marrying today—approximately 90 percent—take their husband’s last name. While most women eventually adopt their husband’s name, the decision to do so is complicated, even painful, for many women. The decision is also loaded with political, professional and social nuances.
Our last name is part of our identity—it is tied to our family, our cultural heritage and our past. How does a modern girl reconcile her desire to retain her identity while embracing her new life as a married woman? Fortunately, brides today have lots of options:
The Traditional Route: The woman takes her husband’s last name
Pros: Your relationship to your husband is clear to the whole world, so there’s no confusion. And because it is still the cultural norm in the United States, you will rarely have to “defend” or explain your decision to others.
In a culture where marriages are often seen as “disposable,” taking your spouse’s last name can symbolize commitment to your fiance. While merely taking your husband’s name won’t prevent divorce, it at least communicates your intention to make your marriage last.
Cons: Let’s face it: some names are simply more appealing than others. If your maiden name is “Walker,” changing it to “Gass” may seem like a bum deal. Or, your first name simply may not mix well with his last name. The name “Sky” is lovely—but tack it to a last name like “Miles” and it sounds a little awkward.
Other women may struggle with the emotional, cultural, social, or political implications of changing their last name.
Hyphenation—The woman combines her maiden and married names with a hyphen
Pros: Hyphenation is a common compromise—you get to keep your last name … and add his. Everyone’s happy, right?
Cons: These names can sometimes be a mouthful, especially if either name is long or difficult to pronounce. And to some people, hyphenated names sound a little snooty.
Doubling Up—The woman adopts her husband’s last name and uses her maiden name as a type of middle name (no hyphen)
Pros: You avoid the potentially-awkward hyphen while achieving a similar effect.
Cons: If you are a stickler for being called your full name at all times, you may end up disappointed. Without the hyphen, people may call you simply by your husband’s last name. Or they may misinterpret your maiden name as your actual middle name. And using all four of your names (first, middle, maiden, and married) at all times can be clunky.
Professional Duality—The woman keeps her maiden name in her professional life and uses her husband’s name in her personal/social life
Pros: This is fairly common practice among celebrities. For example, there is Demi Moore, the famous actress. Then there is Mrs. Kutcher (or @mrskutcher) the wife of Twitter-addict Ashton Kutcher. Even if you aren’t a movie star, keeping your maiden name professionally might make sense. Anyone whose career or professional reputation is closely tied to her name—journalists, lawyers, artists, realtors, etc.—has a certain amount of “brand equity” built into her name. By keeping your maiden name professionally, you can leverage this advantage—while still getting to be Mrs. ____ in your social circles.
Cons: If your private and professional worlds overlap at all, people may get confused and call by you the wrong name.
No Change—You keep your last name, he keeps his
Pros: It’s easy—no paperwork, no mess.
Cons: There is little sense of “togetherness” in the arrangement. And if you plan on having children, what name will they go by?
The vast majority of women marrying today—approximately 90 percent—take their husband’s last name. While most women eventually adopt their husband’s name, the decision to do so is complicated, even painful, for many women. The decision is also loaded with political, professional and social nuances.
Our last name is part of our identity—it is tied to our family, our cultural heritage and our past. How does a modern girl reconcile her desire to retain her identity while embracing her new life as a married woman? Fortunately, brides today have lots of options:
The Traditional Route: The woman takes her husband’s last name
Pros: Your relationship to your husband is clear to the whole world, so there’s no confusion. And because it is still the cultural norm in the United States, you will rarely have to “defend” or explain your decision to others.
In a culture where marriages are often seen as “disposable,” taking your spouse’s last name can symbolize commitment to your fiance. While merely taking your husband’s name won’t prevent divorce, it at least communicates your intention to make your marriage last.
Cons: Let’s face it: some names are simply more appealing than others. If your maiden name is “Walker,” changing it to “Gass” may seem like a bum deal. Or, your first name simply may not mix well with his last name. The name “Sky” is lovely—but tack it to a last name like “Miles” and it sounds a little awkward.
Other women may struggle with the emotional, cultural, social, or political implications of changing their last name.
Hyphenation—The woman combines her maiden and married names with a hyphen
Pros: Hyphenation is a common compromise—you get to keep your last name … and add his. Everyone’s happy, right?
Cons: These names can sometimes be a mouthful, especially if either name is long or difficult to pronounce. And to some people, hyphenated names sound a little snooty.
Doubling Up—The woman adopts her husband’s last name and uses her maiden name as a type of middle name (no hyphen)
Pros: You avoid the potentially-awkward hyphen while achieving a similar effect.
Cons: If you are a stickler for being called your full name at all times, you may end up disappointed. Without the hyphen, people may call you simply by your husband’s last name. Or they may misinterpret your maiden name as your actual middle name. And using all four of your names (first, middle, maiden, and married) at all times can be clunky.
Professional Duality—The woman keeps her maiden name in her professional life and uses her husband’s name in her personal/social life
Pros: This is fairly common practice among celebrities. For example, there is Demi Moore, the famous actress. Then there is Mrs. Kutcher (or @mrskutcher) the wife of Twitter-addict Ashton Kutcher. Even if you aren’t a movie star, keeping your maiden name professionally might make sense. Anyone whose career or professional reputation is closely tied to her name—journalists, lawyers, artists, realtors, etc.—has a certain amount of “brand equity” built into her name. By keeping your maiden name professionally, you can leverage this advantage—while still getting to be Mrs. ____ in your social circles.
Cons: If your private and professional worlds overlap at all, people may get confused and call by you the wrong name.
No Change—You keep your last name, he keeps his
Pros: It’s easy—no paperwork, no mess.
Cons: There is little sense of “togetherness” in the arrangement. And if you plan on having children, what name will they go by?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lack of Sexual Intimacy: What It Means and How to Deal with It
Source:www.twoofus.org
Out of the blue, your partner has lost all interest in sex. Or perhaps your partner has always had a lower sex drive, but lately, the gap has become even more pronounced.
When your partner is not sexually responsive, it is easy to assume the worst. You may fear that your partner is no longer attracted to you, is no longer in love with you, or is having an affair. While these are (unfortunately) possible explanations, a host of other, less dramatic reasons could account for the sexual shutout.
Most couples have differing “baseline” sex drives—the frequency of sex which, under normal conditions, each partner considers ideal. Although men are generally perceived as having higher sex drives than women, this is not universally the case.
Finding someone who wants precisely the same amount of sex as you—at all times—is unrealistic. If your partner’s sex drive and your own are more or less equivalent, try to bear with him/her during any sexual lulls, lulls which could be caused by any number of factors. But if the frequency has abruptly deviated from former levels or your sex drives are dramatically different, you may want to have a candid conversation with your partner about what is causing his or her lack of sex drive.
Some possible reasons for lack of sexual intimacy:
Lack of non-sexual intimacy
For women in particular, emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual intimacy—if there is excessive conflict or emotional disconnect in the relationship, a woman may shut down sexually. The male sex drive can also be impacted by similar dynamics—if a man feels consistently antagonized or underappreciated, he may pull away sexually. A good rule of thumb: the stronger your relationship is as a whole, the better your chances of a satisfying sex life.
Stress or exhaustion
Physical and emotional exhaustion—from work, child care or other factors—can drain both men and women. To the extent that you are able to help your partner cope with his or her stressors—by assuming additional work on your end or by being supportive—your partner is likely to rebound more quickly and have more sexual energy.
Real or perceived rejection
Often, one partner feels they always initiate sex. Over time, they may begin to feel like their partner is sexually indifferent. Even if you do not actively reject your partner’s advances, lack of sexual enthusiasm or reciprocity can signal to your partner that you are merely consenting to sex, rather than actually interested in it.
Body image issues
Feeling physically desirable helps reduce inhibitions and makes sex more appealing. Weight gain, aging and pregnancy can impact self-image—so can low self-esteem or body image issues. For women, flattering lingerie and good (usually dim) lighting can help. But both men and women can feel self-conscious about their looks. Be sure to compliment your partner’s appearance both in sexual and nonsexual contexts. For example, if your husband or wife looks particularly good when they are getting dressed for work, be sure to mention it. This reinforces that you truly find them attractive and that your compliments are not merely a ploy to get them into bed. If your partner has gained a significant amount of weight recently, commit to getting healthy together—just avoid making them feel that they have to measure up (or down) in order to be attractive to you.
Lack of non-sexual affection
When affection is only demonstrated in the context of sex, women in particular can feel used. Infuse your relationship with plenty of affection apart from sex or even foreplay. Casual hugs, kisses and nonsexual massages can help bring you closer together.
Substance abuse or addiction
Alcoholism is a common culprit behind diminished sexual interest and performance in men. Some prescription medications, even when used properly, can also have unfortunate sexual side effects. Be aware of these side effects and encourage your partner to seek help for any unhealthy dependencies.
Infertility
For couples battling infertility, sex can quickly begin to feel like a chore and an unproductive one at that. Sex can feel unromantic and regimented. The emotional toll can further diminish one’s interest in sex. No matter how badly you want children, try not to fixate on fertility to the extent that sex becomes merely a discipline.
Poor sexual technique or sexual performance issues
Sorry to say it, but if you aren’t bringing your “A game” to the bedroom on a regular basis, it will likely diminish your partner’s sexual enthusiasm. For women, orgasms are often difficult to attain through sexual intercourse alone—if need be, find alternate means to make sure she gets there. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also common, but manageable, obstacles in achieving mutually satisfying sex. While “how-to” tips on sexual performance abound, often the best way to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied is to simply ask what does—and doesn’t—feel good. It can be awkward to discuss and may leave you feeling exposed, but it is the surest path to clarifying what is and isn’t working.
Depression
Chronic depression can lead to reduced interest in sex; make sure your partner receives the treatment and support he or she needs to cope with his or her depression.
Sexual trauma
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society and can leave lasting scars. These issues, if not dealt with, can spill over into an otherwise healthy relationship. If your partner has not already done so, encourage him or her to process through these issues with a licensed professional.
Hormone levels
A woman’s hormone levels naturally fluctuate throughout the month, making her somewhat more or less inclined towards sex at various points. Pregnancy, lactation and menopause can also impact hormone levels.
Shame about sexual interactions
Individuals who have engaged in sexual activity that runs contrary to their personal values, comfort level or religious convictions may feel ashamed. The person may be haunted by past (or present) decisions to the extent that it impacts his or her sex life. Talk openly and non-judgmentally with your partner regarding any value-based considerations that could be involved.
Physical constraints or limitations
Back problems, chemotherapy, chronic pain, and post-pregnancy complications are just a few of the physical conditions that can affect your partner’s desire and ability to have sex. Be understanding of these limitations and find creative and sustainable means to engage with each other sexually.
Infidelity
This possibility is listed last because, too often, it is the first assumption people make. Jumping to this conclusion—and vocalizing it—without first considering other explanations can damage your relationship. It is possible, however, that if your partner is sexually distant he or she may be having an affair, or at least considering one. In a survey of men who cheat, however, lack of sex with one’s partner was not found to be the best predictor of an affair. Instead, the study by M. Gary Neuman revealed that time spent away from home was the best predictor of infidelity. If you feel certain that your partner is having an affair, ask—just be aware that he or she will likely respond defensively, particularly if there is no clear “evidence” of infidelity.
There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for a lack of sexual desire, and no surefire remedy. The best solution for determining what may be affecting your partner’s sex drive is to communicate with your partner about what factors he or she thinks may be at work … and what you can do to help make sex more fulfilling and desirable for both of you.
Out of the blue, your partner has lost all interest in sex. Or perhaps your partner has always had a lower sex drive, but lately, the gap has become even more pronounced.
When your partner is not sexually responsive, it is easy to assume the worst. You may fear that your partner is no longer attracted to you, is no longer in love with you, or is having an affair. While these are (unfortunately) possible explanations, a host of other, less dramatic reasons could account for the sexual shutout.
Most couples have differing “baseline” sex drives—the frequency of sex which, under normal conditions, each partner considers ideal. Although men are generally perceived as having higher sex drives than women, this is not universally the case.
Finding someone who wants precisely the same amount of sex as you—at all times—is unrealistic. If your partner’s sex drive and your own are more or less equivalent, try to bear with him/her during any sexual lulls, lulls which could be caused by any number of factors. But if the frequency has abruptly deviated from former levels or your sex drives are dramatically different, you may want to have a candid conversation with your partner about what is causing his or her lack of sex drive.
Some possible reasons for lack of sexual intimacy:
Lack of non-sexual intimacy
For women in particular, emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual intimacy—if there is excessive conflict or emotional disconnect in the relationship, a woman may shut down sexually. The male sex drive can also be impacted by similar dynamics—if a man feels consistently antagonized or underappreciated, he may pull away sexually. A good rule of thumb: the stronger your relationship is as a whole, the better your chances of a satisfying sex life.
Stress or exhaustion
Physical and emotional exhaustion—from work, child care or other factors—can drain both men and women. To the extent that you are able to help your partner cope with his or her stressors—by assuming additional work on your end or by being supportive—your partner is likely to rebound more quickly and have more sexual energy.
Real or perceived rejection
Often, one partner feels they always initiate sex. Over time, they may begin to feel like their partner is sexually indifferent. Even if you do not actively reject your partner’s advances, lack of sexual enthusiasm or reciprocity can signal to your partner that you are merely consenting to sex, rather than actually interested in it.
Body image issues
Feeling physically desirable helps reduce inhibitions and makes sex more appealing. Weight gain, aging and pregnancy can impact self-image—so can low self-esteem or body image issues. For women, flattering lingerie and good (usually dim) lighting can help. But both men and women can feel self-conscious about their looks. Be sure to compliment your partner’s appearance both in sexual and nonsexual contexts. For example, if your husband or wife looks particularly good when they are getting dressed for work, be sure to mention it. This reinforces that you truly find them attractive and that your compliments are not merely a ploy to get them into bed. If your partner has gained a significant amount of weight recently, commit to getting healthy together—just avoid making them feel that they have to measure up (or down) in order to be attractive to you.
Lack of non-sexual affection
When affection is only demonstrated in the context of sex, women in particular can feel used. Infuse your relationship with plenty of affection apart from sex or even foreplay. Casual hugs, kisses and nonsexual massages can help bring you closer together.
Substance abuse or addiction
Alcoholism is a common culprit behind diminished sexual interest and performance in men. Some prescription medications, even when used properly, can also have unfortunate sexual side effects. Be aware of these side effects and encourage your partner to seek help for any unhealthy dependencies.
Infertility
For couples battling infertility, sex can quickly begin to feel like a chore and an unproductive one at that. Sex can feel unromantic and regimented. The emotional toll can further diminish one’s interest in sex. No matter how badly you want children, try not to fixate on fertility to the extent that sex becomes merely a discipline.
Poor sexual technique or sexual performance issues
Sorry to say it, but if you aren’t bringing your “A game” to the bedroom on a regular basis, it will likely diminish your partner’s sexual enthusiasm. For women, orgasms are often difficult to attain through sexual intercourse alone—if need be, find alternate means to make sure she gets there. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also common, but manageable, obstacles in achieving mutually satisfying sex. While “how-to” tips on sexual performance abound, often the best way to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied is to simply ask what does—and doesn’t—feel good. It can be awkward to discuss and may leave you feeling exposed, but it is the surest path to clarifying what is and isn’t working.
Depression
Chronic depression can lead to reduced interest in sex; make sure your partner receives the treatment and support he or she needs to cope with his or her depression.
Sexual trauma
Sexual abuse is all too common in our society and can leave lasting scars. These issues, if not dealt with, can spill over into an otherwise healthy relationship. If your partner has not already done so, encourage him or her to process through these issues with a licensed professional.
Hormone levels
A woman’s hormone levels naturally fluctuate throughout the month, making her somewhat more or less inclined towards sex at various points. Pregnancy, lactation and menopause can also impact hormone levels.
Shame about sexual interactions
Individuals who have engaged in sexual activity that runs contrary to their personal values, comfort level or religious convictions may feel ashamed. The person may be haunted by past (or present) decisions to the extent that it impacts his or her sex life. Talk openly and non-judgmentally with your partner regarding any value-based considerations that could be involved.
Physical constraints or limitations
Back problems, chemotherapy, chronic pain, and post-pregnancy complications are just a few of the physical conditions that can affect your partner’s desire and ability to have sex. Be understanding of these limitations and find creative and sustainable means to engage with each other sexually.
Infidelity
This possibility is listed last because, too often, it is the first assumption people make. Jumping to this conclusion—and vocalizing it—without first considering other explanations can damage your relationship. It is possible, however, that if your partner is sexually distant he or she may be having an affair, or at least considering one. In a survey of men who cheat, however, lack of sex with one’s partner was not found to be the best predictor of an affair. Instead, the study by M. Gary Neuman revealed that time spent away from home was the best predictor of infidelity. If you feel certain that your partner is having an affair, ask—just be aware that he or she will likely respond defensively, particularly if there is no clear “evidence” of infidelity.
There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for a lack of sexual desire, and no surefire remedy. The best solution for determining what may be affecting your partner’s sex drive is to communicate with your partner about what factors he or she thinks may be at work … and what you can do to help make sex more fulfilling and desirable for both of you.
Love Rules
Source: Stacey Colino - www.RealSimple.com
1. Say “I Love You” Every Day
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”
2. Play Hard to Get
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.
3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.
De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.
Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.
5. You Can Learn to Love Someone
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.
Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.
6. Never Go to Bed Angry
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.
7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.
Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.
8. There Is Such a Thing As Love at First Sight
Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist: False. Often it takes time for love to develop. For some people, physical chemistry plays such a big role at the outset that it is mistaken for love.
Schwartz: It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start.
Markman: You’ll quickly know if you’re attracted to each other, but not if you’re compatible or fit to stick together through tough times.
9. Always Keep Him Guessing
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: No, that’s tactical game playing, not love. It takes a lot of calculated effort and is dishonest.
Schwartz: It’s powerful and mysterious to be unpredictable, but it is also manipulative and can build resentment and anger and erode intimacy and respect.
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic.
10. You Can Never Be Too Close
Wachtel: False. Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted: Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close.
Markman: That’s absolutely true. Closeness―emotional intimacy―is the heart of a good marriage, so it’s important to talk about what closeness means to each of you.
11. Love Conquers All
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Unfortunately, this is not true. Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required.
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Sadly, it’s a myth. Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse.
12. Everyone Experiences the Seven-Year Itch
Schwartz: The itch is true, but it doesn’t necessarily take seven years to get there. Some people get divorced within a year or less if they’re convinced the marriage isn’t salvageable.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most partners will at some time think about divorce, but not necessarily in seven years. The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship.
13. The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach
De Angelis: The way to a man’s heart is through his heart. Men want a woman who is going to be a great friend and companion―and if they have to order takeout, so be it!
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: You’re off by about six inches. Sex is the direct way to a man’s heart.
The Panel
Greg Behrendt is a comedian and a coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $15).
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. , is a personal-development expert and the New York Times best-selling author of How Did I Get Here?: Finding Your Way to Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns (St. Martin’s Griffin, $14).
John Gray, Ph.D. , is a family therapist and the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Harper Paperbacks, $14).
Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at California State University, Sacramento, and the author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (iUniverse.com, $18).
Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist, a sex therapist, and a TV and radio personality. She is the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship, Second Edition (Alpha, $19).
Howard J. Markman, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver. He runs relationship-enhancing workshops (loveyourrelationship.com) and is a coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, $17).
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. , is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and a relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com. She is the author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (Collins Living, $16).
Ellen Wachtel, Ph.D. , is a psychologist in New York City who specializes in couples therapy. She is the author of We Love Each Other, But…: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (St. Martin’s Griffin, $15).
Sam Yagan is a co-founder of OkCupid.com, a free online-dating site.
1. Say “I Love You” Every Day
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”
2. Play Hard to Get
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.
3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.
De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.
Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.
Yagan: Absence can make the desire and lust for your partner grow. But it can also lead to stress in a relationship, because phone calls or text messages aren’t substitutes for real conversation.
5. You Can Learn to Love Someone
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.
Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.
6. Never Go to Bed Angry
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: I disagree. Most of us don’t do well discussing emotional topics late at night, when we’re tired and less emotionally articulate―and your well-intentioned desire to kiss and make up is likely to make him angrier. Let your partner get some rest and things will be easier to resolve in the morning.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most of the relationship issues that people argue about at night can wait for another day. However, if there are urgent issues that need to be discussed, partners should talk things through earlier in the night, then try to spend what is left of the evening relaxing.
Nancy Kalish, psychologist: You shouldn’t go to bed angry, but that doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem before you nod off. Even if an issue isn’t resolved, people who love each other should be able to put it aside and get some sleep, but with the understanding that it will be addressed in the near future with a time specified.
7. Having Kids Will Bring You Closer
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Children are an extraordinary source of joy, but they also bring conflict and difficulty into any relationship. You lose time, privacy, and intimacy. An otherwise easy relationship can be tested in a whole new way.
Kalish: The more family members you have, the more friction you have, because there are more relationship issues to work through. And if you focus exclusively on the kids, it takes away from your togetherness as a couple.
8. There Is Such a Thing As Love at First Sight
Ellen Wachtel, couples therapist: False. Often it takes time for love to develop. For some people, physical chemistry plays such a big role at the outset that it is mistaken for love.
Schwartz: It’s a romantic story when it works out, but you don’t hear about the relationships that end badly. Relationships start slow and build; they aren’t necessarily wonderful from the start.
Markman: You’ll quickly know if you’re attracted to each other, but not if you’re compatible or fit to stick together through tough times.
9. Always Keep Him Guessing
Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: No, that’s tactical game playing, not love. It takes a lot of calculated effort and is dishonest.
Schwartz: It’s powerful and mysterious to be unpredictable, but it is also manipulative and can build resentment and anger and erode intimacy and respect.
Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: There’s good guessing and bad guessing, and it’s really about what kind of guessing you’re making him do. Try to keep the relationship fresh by being unexpectedly romantic.
10. You Can Never Be Too Close
Wachtel: False. Many marriages are damaged by partners thinking that closeness means not having to censor what they say or do. Some couples take each other for granted: Metaphorically speaking, they never get out of their sweat suits at home. If you don’t make an effort to be well mannered or attractive to your partner, then you’re too close.
Markman: That’s absolutely true. Closeness―emotional intimacy―is the heart of a good marriage, so it’s important to talk about what closeness means to each of you.
11. Love Conquers All
Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Unfortunately, this is not true. Love is a big part of a lasting relationship, but shared values and commitment are still required.
Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: Sadly, it’s a myth. Love won’t conquer poverty, addiction, or abuse.
12. Everyone Experiences the Seven-Year Itch
Schwartz: The itch is true, but it doesn’t necessarily take seven years to get there. Some people get divorced within a year or less if they’re convinced the marriage isn’t salvageable.
Howard J. Markman, psychologist: Most partners will at some time think about divorce, but not necessarily in seven years. The data show that most people who thought about getting divorced were happy they stayed married when surveyed five years later. When things are tough, focus on increasing friendship and sensuality in the relationship.
13. The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Through His Stomach
De Angelis: The way to a man’s heart is through his heart. Men want a woman who is going to be a great friend and companion―and if they have to order takeout, so be it!
Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: It’s true if he loves food, but that part about having to feed the needs of his heart is true, too. Still, don’t lose sight of your own needs. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to feel pleased and fulfilled.
John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: You’re off by about six inches. Sex is the direct way to a man’s heart.
The Panel
Greg Behrendt is a comedian and a coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $15).
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D. , is a personal-development expert and the New York Times best-selling author of How Did I Get Here?: Finding Your Way to Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns (St. Martin’s Griffin, $14).
John Gray, Ph.D. , is a family therapist and the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Harper Paperbacks, $14).
Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at California State University, Sacramento, and the author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (iUniverse.com, $18).
Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist, a sex therapist, and a TV and radio personality. She is the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship, Second Edition (Alpha, $19).
Howard J. Markman, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver. He runs relationship-enhancing workshops (loveyourrelationship.com) and is a coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage (Jossey-Bass, $17).
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. , is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle and a relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com. She is the author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years (Collins Living, $16).
Ellen Wachtel, Ph.D. , is a psychologist in New York City who specializes in couples therapy. She is the author of We Love Each Other, But…: Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (St. Martin’s Griffin, $15).
Sam Yagan is a co-founder of OkCupid.com, a free online-dating site.
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