Source: www.twoofus.org/ Dr. Niell Niell
A lot of difficulties and stresses in marriage and other relationships arise from underdeveloped personal boundaries. But to understand this, we need to make sure we’re on the same page as to the meaning of the term "boundaries."
Some confuse "putting up a wall" with "maintaining good personal boundaries." A wall is a solid structure that keeps you inside and keeps everyone else out. I’m sure you’ve seen it happen that a family member will hear nothing you have to say and will reveal nothing of their thoughts or feelings to you. They "put up a wall." Have you ever been there yourself?
Personal boundaries are not walls. Think back to high school biology when you learned about cells and semi-permeable membranes. The semi-permeable membrane around a living cell is the cell’s way of allowing nutrients to enter and waste to exit. In other words, the cell uses its semi-permeable membrane to allow in only what it wants to let in. Furthermore, it allows only certain things to move out, but keeps everything else safe inside.
Your personal boundaries work just like the cell membrane. If your boundaries are functioning effectively, you allow in only what you choose to allow in, and you allow out only what you choose to allow out. And you do it with relative ease; you don’t have to focus on rules or protocol.
How good are your boundaries when it comes to keeping out what you don’t want to let into your space? Are you able to decline someone’s request for help when you know that helping him or her at this time would compromise your other responsibilities and your self-care? Can you decline a request with grace and without guilt? Do you stay in charge of yourself, or do you end up feeling like a doormat? If you often feel used by others, it may indicate weak boundaries in terms of keeping out unwanted intrusions.
How well do you stay in control of what you let out, that is, what you say and do when interacting with others? A person with good boundaries can easily keep personal stuff personal and yet still be open. A person with good boundaries can become quite annoyed with another, yet never speak maliciously or get physical. A person with poor boundaries might spread malicious gossip, or discuss their sex life with their 10-year-old child, or pass on something said in confidence.
In sum, if your boundaries are serving you well, you are in control of preventing unwanted intrusions into your mental/emotional/spiritual space. You are also in control of just how much of yourself you will expose in each interpersonal situation.
There is another aspect of healthy boundaries that needs mention. You may have fairly good boundaries when interacting with others who also have good boundaries. But what happens when the other person has poor boundaries?
Suppose you have two friends, one with really good boundaries and the other with not-so-good boundaries: she is a gossip. Would you reveal some fairly intimate information equally to both? Of course not! With healthy boundaries you would be more cautious in what you share with the friend who gossips.
Likewise, if you have a friend of the opposite sex with loose boundaries around sex, you become as explicit as necessary in protecting your space. In either example you adjusted your boundaries to make up for another’s weaker boundaries.
Your personal boundaries should be effective, easy and fluid, no matter what the situation. Are yours up to standard or do they need some fine-tuning? Or a major overhaul?
Healthy boundaries make for a more peaceful, easier flow of life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Avoiding Communication Fouls
Source:www.twoofus.org
When communication between a married couple breaks down, it’s often because the communication team has committed what can be called a “foul.” A foul occurs when two people go from speaking and listening respectfully into trading put downs, blaming, and sometimes, attempting to punish their partner with silence. When this happens, the whole team loses, because the course of communication becomes about winning an argument instead of finding a mutually favorable resolution.
As you practice your communication skills, be careful to not commit these common mistakes:
Foul #1: Criticism
Criticism is not always a negative thing. When it is not constructive however, it can lead to partners verbally attacking each other. Using criticism in communication implies that a problem or issue is the other person’s fault which may in fact be the case. Assigning blame to the other person through criticizing remarks though, places the listener on the defensive. The listener feels like they have to prepare a counter attack. This sort of communication isn’t a good foundation for addressing a conflict. Some might think that a criticism and a complaint are the same thing. In actuality, a complaint can be better than a criticism. A complaint can describe a particular issue, situation or behavior in a non-threatening way and therefore is preferable to criticism. To learn other differences, let’s look at some examples:
Criticism—You are always nagging me for watching TV, can’t you just leave me alone until I feel like talking?
Complaint—“Sometimes, I just need to relax and unwind by myself when I get home. If you let me have some time by myself, in a little while I’ll be ready to hear what you have to say.”
Foul #2: Sarcasm and Cynicism
Sarcasm and cynicism in communication go beyond criticism by adding put downs or demeaning sentiments that are directed to the listener. Together, they convey what appears to be dislike or contempt for the other person. This is likely the worst foul to commit because it can lead to a poisonous cycle of increased, hurtful conflict. Not only does the receiver feel attacked or blamed, they can also feel rejected because of the negative emotions that are conveyed. In some cases, it can also prompt an angry (and unproductive) reaction to the speaker. It can sound like this—Oh yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?
Here are examples of sarcasm and cynicism:
Sarcasm and Cynicism—Yeah, like you can fix dinner and take care of the kids while I’m gone. You don’t help with things while I’m here—why should you start now?
This statement conveys several things to the listener:
a sense of distrust-You can’t take care of kids and fix dinner because you don’t care.
that the person is unreliable-Don’t try to help now.
doubt about character-Why start now?
assigns blame-You don’t help.
Foul #3: The Counter Attack
It’s natural to want to either fight or try to escape when feeling threatened or attacked. Scientists call it the fight or flight response. When on a communication team, the counter attack further fuels an already burning fire. It can prolong a conflict by preventing the real issue from being discussed. If you are too busy pushing back, you can’t listen to what the root of the real message may be. Avoid the temptation to issue a counter attack by using your turn as the speaker to raise an issue that is important to you.
Foul #4: The Silent Treatment
You are likely familiar with this negative tactic. The silent treatment describes when one person makes a conscious decision to stop talking to their partner. In conflict, this is often done out of spite. As the saying goes, silence can be deafening! Because communication is a team sport, when one person stops talking or listening, no communication can happen. Sometimes the silent treatment can signal that one person has had enough of the conversation or that they’ve reached their limit. This can be a signal that its time to take a break from the discussion [see Speaker in the House Rules]. Taking a break isn’t a bad thing—but it has to be a mutual decision. At other times, the silent treatment can be viewed as a way to avoid an argument or conflict. The logic of this avoidance can make a person think this, If I don’t bring it up, we can’t argue about it. Avoiding or removing yourself from communication can actually cause more conflict in the long run. It triggers the other person to continue, often in vain, to initiate dialogue. It’s probably pretty clear to see how this can create a cycle that becomes hard to break.
Like learning any new skill, practicing and incorporating these “rules” may seem silly, or unnatural at first. The key is to keep trying to incorporate the techniques into your communication, particularly when things are going well. That way you’ll be well-practiced when you need to use the rules during a conflict.
When communication between a married couple breaks down, it’s often because the communication team has committed what can be called a “foul.” A foul occurs when two people go from speaking and listening respectfully into trading put downs, blaming, and sometimes, attempting to punish their partner with silence. When this happens, the whole team loses, because the course of communication becomes about winning an argument instead of finding a mutually favorable resolution.
As you practice your communication skills, be careful to not commit these common mistakes:
Foul #1: Criticism
Criticism is not always a negative thing. When it is not constructive however, it can lead to partners verbally attacking each other. Using criticism in communication implies that a problem or issue is the other person’s fault which may in fact be the case. Assigning blame to the other person through criticizing remarks though, places the listener on the defensive. The listener feels like they have to prepare a counter attack. This sort of communication isn’t a good foundation for addressing a conflict. Some might think that a criticism and a complaint are the same thing. In actuality, a complaint can be better than a criticism. A complaint can describe a particular issue, situation or behavior in a non-threatening way and therefore is preferable to criticism. To learn other differences, let’s look at some examples:
Criticism—You are always nagging me for watching TV, can’t you just leave me alone until I feel like talking?
Complaint—“Sometimes, I just need to relax and unwind by myself when I get home. If you let me have some time by myself, in a little while I’ll be ready to hear what you have to say.”
Foul #2: Sarcasm and Cynicism
Sarcasm and cynicism in communication go beyond criticism by adding put downs or demeaning sentiments that are directed to the listener. Together, they convey what appears to be dislike or contempt for the other person. This is likely the worst foul to commit because it can lead to a poisonous cycle of increased, hurtful conflict. Not only does the receiver feel attacked or blamed, they can also feel rejected because of the negative emotions that are conveyed. In some cases, it can also prompt an angry (and unproductive) reaction to the speaker. It can sound like this—Oh yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?
Here are examples of sarcasm and cynicism:
Sarcasm and Cynicism—Yeah, like you can fix dinner and take care of the kids while I’m gone. You don’t help with things while I’m here—why should you start now?
This statement conveys several things to the listener:
a sense of distrust-You can’t take care of kids and fix dinner because you don’t care.
that the person is unreliable-Don’t try to help now.
doubt about character-Why start now?
assigns blame-You don’t help.
Foul #3: The Counter Attack
It’s natural to want to either fight or try to escape when feeling threatened or attacked. Scientists call it the fight or flight response. When on a communication team, the counter attack further fuels an already burning fire. It can prolong a conflict by preventing the real issue from being discussed. If you are too busy pushing back, you can’t listen to what the root of the real message may be. Avoid the temptation to issue a counter attack by using your turn as the speaker to raise an issue that is important to you.
Foul #4: The Silent Treatment
You are likely familiar with this negative tactic. The silent treatment describes when one person makes a conscious decision to stop talking to their partner. In conflict, this is often done out of spite. As the saying goes, silence can be deafening! Because communication is a team sport, when one person stops talking or listening, no communication can happen. Sometimes the silent treatment can signal that one person has had enough of the conversation or that they’ve reached their limit. This can be a signal that its time to take a break from the discussion [see Speaker in the House Rules]. Taking a break isn’t a bad thing—but it has to be a mutual decision. At other times, the silent treatment can be viewed as a way to avoid an argument or conflict. The logic of this avoidance can make a person think this, If I don’t bring it up, we can’t argue about it. Avoiding or removing yourself from communication can actually cause more conflict in the long run. It triggers the other person to continue, often in vain, to initiate dialogue. It’s probably pretty clear to see how this can create a cycle that becomes hard to break.
Like learning any new skill, practicing and incorporating these “rules” may seem silly, or unnatural at first. The key is to keep trying to incorporate the techniques into your communication, particularly when things are going well. That way you’ll be well-practiced when you need to use the rules during a conflict.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Before You say I Do
Source: Ohio State University
When the love bug strikes and two individuals begin to plan their lives together, what kind of questions do they ask? “What month do we want to get married in? Who should be invited to the wedding? What colors are we going to use? What kind of food do we want to serve?” The list goes on with details that will help make this day a very special memory for years to come.
However, sometimes the planning for the wedding overshadows the preparation for the marriage, and important issues are ignored. “How do we manage conflict? Who is going to handle the money? How will the roles and responsibilities be divided? Where are we going to spend the holidays?” These are all questions that should be considered and discussed with your partner at some time during the courtship and before you both commit to marriage.
Forming a Lasting Marriage
What can be done to help individuals form a lasting and fulfilling marriage? There is a multitude of advice and opinions from television and radio talk show hosts, magazine articles and, of course, our peers. But a solid body of current research focuses on the period before couples say, “I do.” Dr. Jeffry H. Larson is a researcher and author who has devised a scientific method for increasing your chances for success. His book, Should We Stay Together?, is a wonderful resource for any couple considering marriage. Dr. Larson identifies more than two dozen specifics that contribute to marital satisfaction and help readers evaluate the relationship’s assets and liabilities. He debunks some common myths such as “love is enough,” “living together will prepare us for marriage,” and “you’re my one and only.” As a marriage and family therapist for more than 20 years, Dr. Larson has observed that many couples in marital therapy trace their current marriage problems back to the pre-marital relationship. This makes it all the more important that couples planning to marry take the time to better prepare themselves for a lifetime of togetherness.
Questions to Ask
Below are a few thoughts for you and your partner to consider and discuss before committing to marriage. Answer the following questions for yourself, using as much time as necessary to consider each issue fully and making notes of your responses and reactions. Also, share the exercise with your partner and allow him or her to consider it privately. Afterwards, schedule a time and place to discuss your responses in an environment that is free from distractions and stress.
Why am I getting married? Why am I choosing to share my life, resources and dreams with this person? What has brought me to this point in my life? Why is this the time?
Do my parents, friends, peers or co-workers support my choice or are they concerned for my welfare? How do I feel about their apprehension? Have I really made a good choice for me or have I compromised my values because I hope things will get better?
What does commitment mean to me? Do I have a role model to follow who helps me see how to navigate through the tough times? What changes do I expect to see after the wedding?
How do I handle conflict? Am I willing to face the situation and discuss options, or do I ignore the facts and hope they will go away? Can I talk about my anger or disappointment with my partner and can we reach a compromise? Can we come to an agreement about how to deal with our problems—a way to communicate that does not include violence, put-downs or walking away without resolving the issues?
What are the common goals and dreams we want to achieve? Where will we live? How many children do we want? Who will clean the toilet and take out the trash? Who will handle the money? How many credit cards will we have? How much money will we save from each paycheck? What color will the bedroom be? Where will we spend the holidays?
What kind of marriage do I want? How happy am I in this relationship? Who is responsible for my happiness? How much fun do we have on our dates? Do I have fond memories of our courtship?
Take Your Time
Every person and every relationship is different. Slow down and take time to think through these and other issues you may not have considered. Give yourselves the gift of time and the reassurance that you are the right person for this commitment. If the above questions raised concerns or issues that you and your partner haven’t discussed or thought about, maybe the relationship needs more time before you say, “I do.”
When the love bug strikes and two individuals begin to plan their lives together, what kind of questions do they ask? “What month do we want to get married in? Who should be invited to the wedding? What colors are we going to use? What kind of food do we want to serve?” The list goes on with details that will help make this day a very special memory for years to come.
However, sometimes the planning for the wedding overshadows the preparation for the marriage, and important issues are ignored. “How do we manage conflict? Who is going to handle the money? How will the roles and responsibilities be divided? Where are we going to spend the holidays?” These are all questions that should be considered and discussed with your partner at some time during the courtship and before you both commit to marriage.
Forming a Lasting Marriage
What can be done to help individuals form a lasting and fulfilling marriage? There is a multitude of advice and opinions from television and radio talk show hosts, magazine articles and, of course, our peers. But a solid body of current research focuses on the period before couples say, “I do.” Dr. Jeffry H. Larson is a researcher and author who has devised a scientific method for increasing your chances for success. His book, Should We Stay Together?, is a wonderful resource for any couple considering marriage. Dr. Larson identifies more than two dozen specifics that contribute to marital satisfaction and help readers evaluate the relationship’s assets and liabilities. He debunks some common myths such as “love is enough,” “living together will prepare us for marriage,” and “you’re my one and only.” As a marriage and family therapist for more than 20 years, Dr. Larson has observed that many couples in marital therapy trace their current marriage problems back to the pre-marital relationship. This makes it all the more important that couples planning to marry take the time to better prepare themselves for a lifetime of togetherness.
Questions to Ask
Below are a few thoughts for you and your partner to consider and discuss before committing to marriage. Answer the following questions for yourself, using as much time as necessary to consider each issue fully and making notes of your responses and reactions. Also, share the exercise with your partner and allow him or her to consider it privately. Afterwards, schedule a time and place to discuss your responses in an environment that is free from distractions and stress.
Why am I getting married? Why am I choosing to share my life, resources and dreams with this person? What has brought me to this point in my life? Why is this the time?
Do my parents, friends, peers or co-workers support my choice or are they concerned for my welfare? How do I feel about their apprehension? Have I really made a good choice for me or have I compromised my values because I hope things will get better?
What does commitment mean to me? Do I have a role model to follow who helps me see how to navigate through the tough times? What changes do I expect to see after the wedding?
How do I handle conflict? Am I willing to face the situation and discuss options, or do I ignore the facts and hope they will go away? Can I talk about my anger or disappointment with my partner and can we reach a compromise? Can we come to an agreement about how to deal with our problems—a way to communicate that does not include violence, put-downs or walking away without resolving the issues?
What are the common goals and dreams we want to achieve? Where will we live? How many children do we want? Who will clean the toilet and take out the trash? Who will handle the money? How many credit cards will we have? How much money will we save from each paycheck? What color will the bedroom be? Where will we spend the holidays?
What kind of marriage do I want? How happy am I in this relationship? Who is responsible for my happiness? How much fun do we have on our dates? Do I have fond memories of our courtship?
Take Your Time
Every person and every relationship is different. Slow down and take time to think through these and other issues you may not have considered. Give yourselves the gift of time and the reassurance that you are the right person for this commitment. If the above questions raised concerns or issues that you and your partner haven’t discussed or thought about, maybe the relationship needs more time before you say, “I do.”
An 'e-motional' affair is just a click away
An ‘e-motional’ affair is just a click away
Technology isn’t just enabling infidelity, it’s accelerating it at record pace
By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYshow.com contributor
updated 2:34 p.m. CT, Thurs., Jan. 28, 2010
Welcome to the age of the “e-motional” affair, where infidelity is just a click away and cheating has become easier than setting up a Wii. From iPhones and BlackBerrys to Facebook, Twitter and Craigslist, technology isn’t just enabling infidelity, it’s accelerating it at record pace: Flirtatious friendships, emotional affairs, the return of the ex, sexting, online porn and cybersex — with each new advance in technology comes a new way to cheat, and more and more of us are increasingly leading “digital double lives.”
With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on. When two people meet in a chat room or strike up an e-mail relationship, it’s easy to begin idealizing each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered. Sharing personal details and desires is often easier over the Internet than it is face to face. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and soon one finds oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence.
Can you cheat without sex?
And as much as I write and speak about it, I still get the same incredulous question from the guys: “Emotional infidelity? What the ---? Do you really think it’s possible to cheat without sex?”
My response? Absolutely. The brain is our biggest sex organ, and most affairs begin in the mind. Attraction is magnified by an emotional connection. When one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their relationship — and starts building a foundation for a new relationship. Part of what makes a couple’s relationship special is the information they share only with each other. Some of it is seemingly meaningless daily details, like how bad the morning traffic was or what they had for lunch. Other times it’s deeper desires, fears and goals. But as an emotional affair progresses, less and less of a person’s sharing goes to his or her partner, and more goes to the affair partner.
When does a friendship cross the line and become an e-motional affair? Internet affairs are typically characterized by three distinguishing qualities:
Close friendship and emotional intimacy.
An online affair often begins as friendship and gradually drifts into something more. While friendship alone isn’t enough to qualify as cheating, a feeling of shared closeness and understanding is the starting point for an online affair.
Secrecy.
Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
Sexual attraction.
An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off — and the most damaging to the other relationship.
Privacy vs. secrecy
With the Internet, too many people hide behind their “right to privacy,” when what they’re really trying to protect is their right to secrecy. But nobody should have that liberty. The moment you have something to hide — the moment you write an e-mail that you don’t want your partner to see; the moment you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone in front of your partner; the moment you have to delete your Internet history before getting off your computer; the moment you have to set up a special e-mail address for certain correspondences; the moment you’re uncomfortable sharing your passwords — that’s when a leak has sprung. And watch out: It could quickly lead to flooding.
A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time. Which is not to say there aren’t a variety of factors that predispose a couple to online infidelity.
Some of the more common relationship weak spots include:
Unresolved issues in the relationship that are either ignored or not resolved in a way that’s satisfying to both partners.
Long or regular intervals of time spent apart, often because of work or other obligations.
Child-centric marriages that prioritize parenting and neglect a couple’s relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time.
Unsatisfying or infrequent sex, often a result of incompatible libidos or sexual preferences.
A lack of shared interests and opportunities to simply have fun together.
An unequal balance of power in the relationship; for instance, if one partner carries most of the housework and child care responsibility or has all of the financial decision-making power.
Ian Kerner is a sex therapist, relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including “She Comes First” and “Love in the Time of Colic.” He was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons. He can be reached at www.iankerner.com.
© 2010 MSNBC Interactive. Reprints
URL: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35125473/ns/today-today_relationships/
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© 2010 MSNBC.com
Technology isn’t just enabling infidelity, it’s accelerating it at record pace
By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYshow.com contributor
updated 2:34 p.m. CT, Thurs., Jan. 28, 2010
Welcome to the age of the “e-motional” affair, where infidelity is just a click away and cheating has become easier than setting up a Wii. From iPhones and BlackBerrys to Facebook, Twitter and Craigslist, technology isn’t just enabling infidelity, it’s accelerating it at record pace: Flirtatious friendships, emotional affairs, the return of the ex, sexting, online porn and cybersex — with each new advance in technology comes a new way to cheat, and more and more of us are increasingly leading “digital double lives.”
With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on. When two people meet in a chat room or strike up an e-mail relationship, it’s easy to begin idealizing each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered. Sharing personal details and desires is often easier over the Internet than it is face to face. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and soon one finds oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence.
Can you cheat without sex?
And as much as I write and speak about it, I still get the same incredulous question from the guys: “Emotional infidelity? What the ---? Do you really think it’s possible to cheat without sex?”
My response? Absolutely. The brain is our biggest sex organ, and most affairs begin in the mind. Attraction is magnified by an emotional connection. When one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their relationship — and starts building a foundation for a new relationship. Part of what makes a couple’s relationship special is the information they share only with each other. Some of it is seemingly meaningless daily details, like how bad the morning traffic was or what they had for lunch. Other times it’s deeper desires, fears and goals. But as an emotional affair progresses, less and less of a person’s sharing goes to his or her partner, and more goes to the affair partner.
When does a friendship cross the line and become an e-motional affair? Internet affairs are typically characterized by three distinguishing qualities:
Close friendship and emotional intimacy.
An online affair often begins as friendship and gradually drifts into something more. While friendship alone isn’t enough to qualify as cheating, a feeling of shared closeness and understanding is the starting point for an online affair.
Secrecy.
Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
Sexual attraction.
An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off — and the most damaging to the other relationship.
Privacy vs. secrecy
With the Internet, too many people hide behind their “right to privacy,” when what they’re really trying to protect is their right to secrecy. But nobody should have that liberty. The moment you have something to hide — the moment you write an e-mail that you don’t want your partner to see; the moment you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone in front of your partner; the moment you have to delete your Internet history before getting off your computer; the moment you have to set up a special e-mail address for certain correspondences; the moment you’re uncomfortable sharing your passwords — that’s when a leak has sprung. And watch out: It could quickly lead to flooding.
A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time. Which is not to say there aren’t a variety of factors that predispose a couple to online infidelity.
Some of the more common relationship weak spots include:
Unresolved issues in the relationship that are either ignored or not resolved in a way that’s satisfying to both partners.
Long or regular intervals of time spent apart, often because of work or other obligations.
Child-centric marriages that prioritize parenting and neglect a couple’s relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time.
Unsatisfying or infrequent sex, often a result of incompatible libidos or sexual preferences.
A lack of shared interests and opportunities to simply have fun together.
An unequal balance of power in the relationship; for instance, if one partner carries most of the housework and child care responsibility or has all of the financial decision-making power.
Ian Kerner is a sex therapist, relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including “She Comes First” and “Love in the Time of Colic.” He was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons. He can be reached at www.iankerner.com.
© 2010 MSNBC Interactive. Reprints
URL: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35125473/ns/today-today_relationships/
MSN Privacy . Legal
© 2010 MSNBC.com
Update on our goings on
We are in Enterprise High School this week. The students are interacting very well and we're having a great time! They are participating in the discussions and activities which makes it more fun for everyone involved. They seem to be learning a lot and I look forward to the rest of the week with them!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Get Connected- Turn Toward Your Partner to Create Intimacy
Source: Alabama Healthy Marriage Initiative
Each and every day we make many verbal and non-verbal attempts to connect with the people in our families. Psychologist and family researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. calls these attempts “relational bids.” Relational bids and the way listeners respond to them are important to the overall health of a relationship.
What Type of Listener are You?
Gottman’s research shows three different patterns that listeners use to respond to another’s bid for connection.
Turn Against
People who turn against a bid might be called “in your face” or argumentative. They may use sarcasm, put downs or make fun of a person to make their point. A person on the receiving end of a turning-against response will probably pull away from the conversation and even the relationship. No one wants to be made fun of or snapped at—especially by someone they love. In Gottman’s research, when there were lots of turning-against responses, couples didn’t feel close to each other and it sometimes led to divorce.
Turn Away
In this way of relating, the listener ignores the bid. While not listening or having your mind on other things aren’t exactly unfriendly responses, they aren’t good for a relationship. In fact, Gottman’s research found that turning-away from a partner’s bid on a regular basis could damage a relationship. Speakers who often turn away run the risk of their partners becoming aggressive or self protective — especially when discussing an area of continuing disagreement. Gottman found that constant turning-away led to early divorce among many couples.
Turn Toward
To “turn toward” one another means to react in a responsive, interested and loving way to a bid for emotional connection. The result of consistently turning toward your partner is that you develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another. Of the three response choices, turning toward was the most positive. It tells the speaker:
I hear you.
I am interested in you.
I understand you (or would like to).
I’m on your side.
I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).
If you want to build a deeper emotional connection, turn toward that person as often as you can.
What do Bids Look Like?
If we could send an invitation every time we wanted to connect with our spouse, we’d probably have a better chance of being understood.
Details would be written to make sure there is no misunderstanding. But we are more complicated than that. Our bids for connection take many forms—some easy to understand and others that are not so easy. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal. They can be physical or intellectual, sexual or non-sexual, low or high energy, funny or dead serious.
Successful Relationships are 20 Times More Positive
Gottman and his associates discovered that successful relationships had a 20:1 ratio of positive bids and turning toward their partner for every one negative bid or turning against or away.
Each and every day we make many verbal and non-verbal attempts to connect with the people in our families. Psychologist and family researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. calls these attempts “relational bids.” Relational bids and the way listeners respond to them are important to the overall health of a relationship.
What Type of Listener are You?
Gottman’s research shows three different patterns that listeners use to respond to another’s bid for connection.
Turn Against
People who turn against a bid might be called “in your face” or argumentative. They may use sarcasm, put downs or make fun of a person to make their point. A person on the receiving end of a turning-against response will probably pull away from the conversation and even the relationship. No one wants to be made fun of or snapped at—especially by someone they love. In Gottman’s research, when there were lots of turning-against responses, couples didn’t feel close to each other and it sometimes led to divorce.
Turn Away
In this way of relating, the listener ignores the bid. While not listening or having your mind on other things aren’t exactly unfriendly responses, they aren’t good for a relationship. In fact, Gottman’s research found that turning-away from a partner’s bid on a regular basis could damage a relationship. Speakers who often turn away run the risk of their partners becoming aggressive or self protective — especially when discussing an area of continuing disagreement. Gottman found that constant turning-away led to early divorce among many couples.
Turn Toward
To “turn toward” one another means to react in a responsive, interested and loving way to a bid for emotional connection. The result of consistently turning toward your partner is that you develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another. Of the three response choices, turning toward was the most positive. It tells the speaker:
I hear you.
I am interested in you.
I understand you (or would like to).
I’m on your side.
I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).
If you want to build a deeper emotional connection, turn toward that person as often as you can.
What do Bids Look Like?
If we could send an invitation every time we wanted to connect with our spouse, we’d probably have a better chance of being understood.
Details would be written to make sure there is no misunderstanding. But we are more complicated than that. Our bids for connection take many forms—some easy to understand and others that are not so easy. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal. They can be physical or intellectual, sexual or non-sexual, low or high energy, funny or dead serious.
Successful Relationships are 20 Times More Positive
Gottman and his associates discovered that successful relationships had a 20:1 ratio of positive bids and turning toward their partner for every one negative bid or turning against or away.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Engaging in Emotional Intimacy – Before and After You Walk Down the Aisle
(copied from www.twoofus.org)
In the months leading up to your special day, you’re probably spending much of the time talking about your wedding, your home and your new life together.
While all of those topics are important, researchers say it is even more important that you have conversations that help you know each other better and stay in touch with each other. In other words, you need to focus on your marriage, not just the wedding.
Research repeatedly has shown that a strong emotional connection is critical to a successful relationship.
“The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage,” said Dr. Paul Pearsall, author of Super Marital Sex. “Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of martial sacrifice, because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes. If it is true that we reap what we sow, then marriages are in big trouble…If we put as much time in our working as we allow for our loving, we would end up unemployed or bankrupt.”
To create and maintain emotional intimacy, couples should discuss several key topics both before and after they walk down the aisle.
• Expectations for marriage and each other — Identify roles and responsibilities. How will conflicts be handled? What are your marriage goals? Be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong. Be proactive; solve problems immediately and don’t let misunderstandings grow into larger conflicts.
• Goals for marriage — Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships. Be committed! Commitment is a choice. Couples who believe divorce is not an option are less likely to take steps to end the relationship.
• Money matters — Are you and your spouse savers or spenders? Save yourselves a lot of future headaches by discussing your spending habits and plans. Avoid wedding debt by working out a budget before the wedding.
• Why you’re getting married — Is it for commitment, love, loneliness, escape or impatience? Take stock of your personal priorities to assure that your relationship with your spouse gets the attention it deserves.
• Children and discipline — How many? How soon? What are the costs involved? How will the children affect both your lives? Will both parents work or will one stay home? How will you work to keep your marriage healthy after you have children? How will you handle discipline?
• How time commitments (work/career, family/friends, social activities) affect your marriage — Make "Date Night" a priority. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just time scheduled for you and your mate to be together.
Finding time to strengthen your relationship can become much more difficult after you’re married and when life’s pressures set in. Despite the challenges, it is important that you make regular time for each other.
Couples must create and defend their time together. Whether that time is found on vacation, a date night or just talking together, it is important to stay emotionally connected with each other.
In the months leading up to your special day, you’re probably spending much of the time talking about your wedding, your home and your new life together.
While all of those topics are important, researchers say it is even more important that you have conversations that help you know each other better and stay in touch with each other. In other words, you need to focus on your marriage, not just the wedding.
Research repeatedly has shown that a strong emotional connection is critical to a successful relationship.
“The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage,” said Dr. Paul Pearsall, author of Super Marital Sex. “Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of martial sacrifice, because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes. If it is true that we reap what we sow, then marriages are in big trouble…If we put as much time in our working as we allow for our loving, we would end up unemployed or bankrupt.”
To create and maintain emotional intimacy, couples should discuss several key topics both before and after they walk down the aisle.
• Expectations for marriage and each other — Identify roles and responsibilities. How will conflicts be handled? What are your marriage goals? Be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong. Be proactive; solve problems immediately and don’t let misunderstandings grow into larger conflicts.
• Goals for marriage — Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships. Be committed! Commitment is a choice. Couples who believe divorce is not an option are less likely to take steps to end the relationship.
• Money matters — Are you and your spouse savers or spenders? Save yourselves a lot of future headaches by discussing your spending habits and plans. Avoid wedding debt by working out a budget before the wedding.
• Why you’re getting married — Is it for commitment, love, loneliness, escape or impatience? Take stock of your personal priorities to assure that your relationship with your spouse gets the attention it deserves.
• Children and discipline — How many? How soon? What are the costs involved? How will the children affect both your lives? Will both parents work or will one stay home? How will you work to keep your marriage healthy after you have children? How will you handle discipline?
• How time commitments (work/career, family/friends, social activities) affect your marriage — Make "Date Night" a priority. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just time scheduled for you and your mate to be together.
Finding time to strengthen your relationship can become much more difficult after you’re married and when life’s pressures set in. Despite the challenges, it is important that you make regular time for each other.
Couples must create and defend their time together. Whether that time is found on vacation, a date night or just talking together, it is important to stay emotionally connected with each other.
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