Ho-Hum Marriages

Source: First Things First
Is your marriage unexciting and dull? Have the feelings you had for each other on your wedding day become a distant memory? Do you ever look at other people and envy the spontaneity and freedom they seem to have? You aren’t alone.

According to marriage experts, many couples enter into marriage with the expectation that it will always be exciting and romantic. Then when careers, children, in-laws, and other demands come along, couples are often thrown for a loop. They begin asking themselves questions like, “Did I marry the wrong person?” “Why should I stay in a relationship when I am not happy?” “Did I get married for all the wrong reasons?”

“Love is an interesting emotion,” said Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. “It begins with what I refer to as the tingles. You are emotionally obsessed with someone. You go to bed and wake up thinking about him, and have a hard time getting anything done because you can’t get him off your mind. This is accompanied by irrational thinking, believing that this person is perfect and there is nothing more important in life than being with him/her. Some people tell themselves that they will never be happy without this person in their life.

“This is accompanied by an illusion of intimacy. When couples are encouraged to attend a marriage education class, they look at you like you are crazy to suggest working on the relationship since they believe their relationship doesn’t need any work. The illusion of intimacy blinds people to their differences in things like taste, values, music, priorities, etc.”

Emotional obsession, irrational thinking and illusion of intimacy lead to faulty conclusions such as, “I will never be happy unless we are married.” According to research, it is faulty to believe these feelings are permanent. The average lifespan of an obsession is two years, then people come off their high.

How does this relate to a ho-hum marriage, you might ask?

When the “in-love obsession” subsides in marriage, people begin to see what they didn’t see before. All those things that you thought were so cute when you were dating are now the things that get on your last nerve.

“For many couples, they are shocked by their loss of feelings for each other and are traumatized by conflicts,” said Dr. Chapman. “In many instances, they have no idea how to deal with the conflicts. The conflicts lead to fights. Then they start having thoughts like, ‘I wish I had married the other person.’ Walls go up and there is a loss of intimacy. Each person can give volumes of evidence as to why their spouse is at fault for the failing marriage.”

Then it happens. In the midst of your marital struggles, someone else comes along. The person is funny, spontaneous, full of life, well groomed, etc. He/she seems much more exciting than your current spouse. This person seems to possess all the qualities you love in a person and you get the tingles all over again.

“This is when people start thinking thoughts like ‘I never did love her’ or ‘I got married for all the wrong reasons,’ in an effort to convince themselves that the marriage they are in was not right from the beginning and to somehow justify divorce,” said Dr. Chapman. “The problem is, they don’t understand that in two years they could potentially be in the very same place. Some people marry multiple times because every time they get the tingles they think they have finally found the right person.”

So what do you do?

Recognize the tingles for what they are - they aren’t always trustworthy.

Keep your guard up – when there are troubles at home, know that you are vulnerable to misinterpreting the attention of others.

Seek out professional help from someone who is marriage friendly.

Be weary of those you want to give you advice - even people with the best intentions can give you BAD advice.

Understand that it is normal to experience ho-hum stages in your marriage. Even the healthiest of marriages go through this. The key is to recognize it and do something about it. The ho-hum phase should be temporary. You can feel the tingles again for your spouse.