Source: www.twoofus.org
When you think about your current relationship, how do you feel? Do you remember good times together and dream about your future? Or do you wonder if this person is really right for you? Unlike what we see in the movies, relationships are about more than love and romance. So how do you know if your relationship is one for the ages?
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
A healthy relationship is characterized by a sense of commitment, contentment, and safety. Ask yourself if your relationship has the following traits:
Good Communication
Good communication is the key to all relationships. When you can communicate your feelings, wants, and goals, you share who you are now and where you hope to be in the future. You also learn the same from your partner. Creating an open and honest atmosphere for communication allows you to grow closer and equip yourselves to build a future together.
Commitment
Commitment is essential to a healthy relationship. It means you can count on one another and plan for a future together. A strong, committed relationship let's you enjoy the good times and gets you through the bad times.
Trust
Being at ease in a relationship is a by-product of trust. When you trust your partner to treat you well and to speak the truth, feelings of jealousy are tossed aside in favor of love and honesty. You have the confidence of knowing your partner is mindful of your best interest. Trust is an element of friendship, an important aspect of a healthy relationship.
Fairness and Respect
Give-and-take in relationships is also important. Do you both have a say in what movies to go to, what friends to hang out with, how much time to spend with your families, and what to spend money on? Your relationship should not feel like a power struggle but rather involve mutual respect and healthy compromise.
Sound like your relationship? Good! A healthy bond is meant to enrich the lives of the people involved, making them happier and more fulfilled.
Is Your Relationship Unhealthy?
A relationship is unhealthy if it involves disrespectful, mean, abusive, controlling, or violent behavior. No one goes looking for a bad relationship, but they do happen, and it's not your fault. Maybe you don't trust your partner, you can't tell him/her how you honestly feel, or you're afraid of your partner. If this rings true for you, you should consider getting help or even ending the relationship.
Here are some signs that your relationship may be doing more harm than good:
Disrespect
Someone who loves you will not insult or belittle you, even if they claim to be doing it "for your own good." When you respect someone, you appreciate them for who they are. A respectful relationship allows partners to have different opinions.
Jealousy
Like an ice pick, jealousy chips away at a relationship until little else remains. While it's normal to feel a bit of envy now and then, your partner should not make you feel guilty about a new job, spending time with friends, or your success.
Abuse and Violence
Nearly all couples argue, and you may get quite angry with each another, but healthy relationships do not include abuse or violence as part of these arguments. Important warning signs of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse include:
Insults, demeaning language, and constant put-downs
Physical abuse (hitting, shoving, or slapping)
Forced sexual activity
If disrespect, jealousy, abuse, or violence are a part of your life as a couple, you should ask yourself if your current relationship is really right for you. No one deserves to be abused or made to do something that makes them uncomfortable. If you are experiencing any of these things in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for help.
Conclusion
Being in a healthy relationship is a great part of life! Relationships give people the chance to share their experiences and complement their lives. But healthy relationships take work. Both partners need to remain committed and make an effort to keep the love and respect alive.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Married Discussion: Top 10 Acts of Service to Make Your Partner Feel Loved
Source: www.twoofus.org
In Gary Chapman's best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, he explains that people express and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman identifies these the five languages of love as: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
For people who have "acts of service" as their primary love language, helpful acts are seen as very powerful expressions of love and devotion. Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, etc. are all acts of service. If done with a positive spirit and without expecting something in return, they are indeed expressions of love.
Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a significant other with acts of service as his/her primary love language, find out the specific things he/she would like by asking. If you are the person with that specific love language, let your spouse know which actions mean the most to you.
We asked people what acts(s) of service they think are most valued by a spouse are here are some of the responses:
During the cold months, put a towel in the dryer while your spouse is showering so it's all fluffy and warm when he/she gets out.
Clean the kitchen or bathroom
Men: Be a gentleman and walk on the "dangerous" side of the road so she feels protected.
Fix things that the other can't fix.
Buy or make him/her lunch and bring it to him/her at work, even if (especially if) it’s out of your way.
Cook a special meal that you know he/she likes.
Fill up your gas tank without being asked.
Drop your spouse at the door when it is raining.
Men: Open car doors for your wife.
Go to the grocery store and buy items you know he/she loves—without being asked.
In Gary Chapman's best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, he explains that people express and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman identifies these the five languages of love as: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
For people who have "acts of service" as their primary love language, helpful acts are seen as very powerful expressions of love and devotion. Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, etc. are all acts of service. If done with a positive spirit and without expecting something in return, they are indeed expressions of love.
Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a significant other with acts of service as his/her primary love language, find out the specific things he/she would like by asking. If you are the person with that specific love language, let your spouse know which actions mean the most to you.
We asked people what acts(s) of service they think are most valued by a spouse are here are some of the responses:
During the cold months, put a towel in the dryer while your spouse is showering so it's all fluffy and warm when he/she gets out.
Clean the kitchen or bathroom
Men: Be a gentleman and walk on the "dangerous" side of the road so she feels protected.
Fix things that the other can't fix.
Buy or make him/her lunch and bring it to him/her at work, even if (especially if) it’s out of your way.
Cook a special meal that you know he/she likes.
Fill up your gas tank without being asked.
Drop your spouse at the door when it is raining.
Men: Open car doors for your wife.
Go to the grocery store and buy items you know he/she loves—without being asked.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Top 10 Myths About Marriage
Source:www.twoofus.org
The way marriages are portrayed through media and popular culture can cloud our expectations of marriage and set the stage for disappointment during marriage. Do your own reality check by reading this top 10 list of myths.
Myth: Marriage will solve all of your problems.
Reality: Any unaddressed problems you had prior to your marriage, you still have when you get married (and you could carry into future marriages). Marriage isn’t a magic wand that can take a person’s troubles away (even if it feels like that’s what happening in the beginning). Take inventory of the issues you “bring to the marriage table” and address them with the love and support of your spouse.
Myth: Good, healthy marriages come naturally--couples don't have to work at it--romance will always be alive in a good marriage.
Reality: All relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making commitment is crucial. When you are in a valley, try compiling a list of your spouse’s virtues to remind yourself of why you love him/her.
Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to test if the marriage will be successful.
Reality: Cohabitation is not a good “test” for marriage. In fact, we now know that cohabitation prior to marriage in many circumstances is associated with negative marital outcomes.
Myth: Your love life is neutral.
Reality: Your love life has spillover effects into friendships, other familial relationships,
co-workers, etc. It also affects your physical and mental health.
Myth: "Never go to bed angry."
Reality: This maxim can become counterproductive “if an argument drags on and you're only getting less agreeable with each other. It's OK to call a time out, set a time to reconnect the next day when you're fresher and have had time to cool off.”
~Susan Vogt, Author and Speaker
Myth: Healthy marriages are conflict free.
Reality: In actuality, all couples experience conflict, but healthy couples can communicate and resolve conflict effectively.
Myth: Your spouse completes you.
Reality: You were always a complete individual. A spouse can complement you, but not complete you, nor is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs.
Myth: Married people have less satisfying sex lives than single people.
Reality: According to a large-scale survey of Americans, married people report having sex more often and enjoying it more that their single counterparts.
Myth: Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
Reality: Successful marriages aren’t generally the result of luck or chance. Couples with enduring, healthy marriages typically share similar values and life goals and have both a strong commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another.
Myth: Marriage conflicts only stem from the behavior of the spouses.
Reality: It is amazing how much outside people, situations and events can impact your marriage. Strong boundaries around your marital relationship will help you and your spouse weather the storms of outside interference, such as nosey in-laws, demanding children and extra-marital temptations.
The way marriages are portrayed through media and popular culture can cloud our expectations of marriage and set the stage for disappointment during marriage. Do your own reality check by reading this top 10 list of myths.
Myth: Marriage will solve all of your problems.
Reality: Any unaddressed problems you had prior to your marriage, you still have when you get married (and you could carry into future marriages). Marriage isn’t a magic wand that can take a person’s troubles away (even if it feels like that’s what happening in the beginning). Take inventory of the issues you “bring to the marriage table” and address them with the love and support of your spouse.
Myth: Good, healthy marriages come naturally--couples don't have to work at it--romance will always be alive in a good marriage.
Reality: All relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making commitment is crucial. When you are in a valley, try compiling a list of your spouse’s virtues to remind yourself of why you love him/her.
Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to test if the marriage will be successful.
Reality: Cohabitation is not a good “test” for marriage. In fact, we now know that cohabitation prior to marriage in many circumstances is associated with negative marital outcomes.
Myth: Your love life is neutral.
Reality: Your love life has spillover effects into friendships, other familial relationships,
co-workers, etc. It also affects your physical and mental health.
Myth: "Never go to bed angry."
Reality: This maxim can become counterproductive “if an argument drags on and you're only getting less agreeable with each other. It's OK to call a time out, set a time to reconnect the next day when you're fresher and have had time to cool off.”
~Susan Vogt, Author and Speaker
Myth: Healthy marriages are conflict free.
Reality: In actuality, all couples experience conflict, but healthy couples can communicate and resolve conflict effectively.
Myth: Your spouse completes you.
Reality: You were always a complete individual. A spouse can complement you, but not complete you, nor is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs.
Myth: Married people have less satisfying sex lives than single people.
Reality: According to a large-scale survey of Americans, married people report having sex more often and enjoying it more that their single counterparts.
Myth: Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
Reality: Successful marriages aren’t generally the result of luck or chance. Couples with enduring, healthy marriages typically share similar values and life goals and have both a strong commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another.
Myth: Marriage conflicts only stem from the behavior of the spouses.
Reality: It is amazing how much outside people, situations and events can impact your marriage. Strong boundaries around your marital relationship will help you and your spouse weather the storms of outside interference, such as nosey in-laws, demanding children and extra-marital temptations.
50 "Quick Connects" for Couples
Source: Alabama Community Healthy Marriage Initiative
Family researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that small emotional connections between partners add up to big time relationship satisfaction. He compares them to making steady deposits in a bank account and watching your savings grow. For those of you who would like some creative inspiration, here are fifty things you can do to quickly connect with your spouse. Pick the ones that work for you. Use them as a starting point to create your own “quick connects.”
Make sure your kisses last at least six seconds. Every now and then go for a full minute.
Feed each other grapes.
Stick a love note in a lunch box, purse or pocket.
Send funny and/or romantic cards by snail mail or e-mail.
Learn how to give a great foot massage.
Wash each other’s hair. Watch the movie Out of Africa for pointers.
Set your alarm for five minutes earlier than usual to cuddle.
Smile at each other.
Get silly with each other and laugh out loud together.
Grab your partner for a spontaneous dance when a favorite song comes on the radio or stereo.
Make eye contact when you talk.
Hold hands.
Leave a wonderful voice mail message on their phone.
Text a love note.
Send a love e-mail every day.
Leave little love notes in unexpected places.
Send a funny photo on your phone.
Ask about each others’ days.
Listen with 100% attention.
Give a one-minute shoulder massage.
Do something unexpected for your spouse.
Snuggle on the couch.
Touch each other with affection.
Notice and comment about something your spouse does that you like.
Say thank you.
Say you’re welcome.
Be interested in what your spouse is doing.
Tell a joke.
Leave a flower.
Offer to help.
Write a poem.
Read a poem to your spouse.
Cook a romantic dinner.
Offer to cook dinner if you aren’t the one who usually cooks.
Burn a CD with favorite songs, or love songs.
Post photos on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror that remind you of wonderful times you’ve shared.
Bring home great take out for just the two of you.
Say “I love you” in a different way every day.
Slow dance to a love song.
Write a love note on the bathroom mirror. PG rated if you have kids!
Offer to take the kids out of the house for awhile and give the other parent some alone time.
Dip a strawberry into whipped cream and feed to your partner.
At night, step outside together for five minutes and look at the stars.
Sing to each other.
Make a care package with his/her favorite snacks and leave it in the car.
Establish a weekly ritual that you faithfully observe. For example, watching a favorite television program, taking a walk after dinner, putting candles on the table.
Give your spouse a little token to wear as a reminder of your love. (Try for creative rather than expensive.)
Kiss your spouse on the back of the neck.
Flirt with each other.
Watch a sunrise or sunset together.
try this...
Make up your own list of things to do to quickly connect with your spouse.
Make sure you do at least one thing from your list every day.
More Information: Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers
Family researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that small emotional connections between partners add up to big time relationship satisfaction. He compares them to making steady deposits in a bank account and watching your savings grow. For those of you who would like some creative inspiration, here are fifty things you can do to quickly connect with your spouse. Pick the ones that work for you. Use them as a starting point to create your own “quick connects.”
Make sure your kisses last at least six seconds. Every now and then go for a full minute.
Feed each other grapes.
Stick a love note in a lunch box, purse or pocket.
Send funny and/or romantic cards by snail mail or e-mail.
Learn how to give a great foot massage.
Wash each other’s hair. Watch the movie Out of Africa for pointers.
Set your alarm for five minutes earlier than usual to cuddle.
Smile at each other.
Get silly with each other and laugh out loud together.
Grab your partner for a spontaneous dance when a favorite song comes on the radio or stereo.
Make eye contact when you talk.
Hold hands.
Leave a wonderful voice mail message on their phone.
Text a love note.
Send a love e-mail every day.
Leave little love notes in unexpected places.
Send a funny photo on your phone.
Ask about each others’ days.
Listen with 100% attention.
Give a one-minute shoulder massage.
Do something unexpected for your spouse.
Snuggle on the couch.
Touch each other with affection.
Notice and comment about something your spouse does that you like.
Say thank you.
Say you’re welcome.
Be interested in what your spouse is doing.
Tell a joke.
Leave a flower.
Offer to help.
Write a poem.
Read a poem to your spouse.
Cook a romantic dinner.
Offer to cook dinner if you aren’t the one who usually cooks.
Burn a CD with favorite songs, or love songs.
Post photos on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror that remind you of wonderful times you’ve shared.
Bring home great take out for just the two of you.
Say “I love you” in a different way every day.
Slow dance to a love song.
Write a love note on the bathroom mirror. PG rated if you have kids!
Offer to take the kids out of the house for awhile and give the other parent some alone time.
Dip a strawberry into whipped cream and feed to your partner.
At night, step outside together for five minutes and look at the stars.
Sing to each other.
Make a care package with his/her favorite snacks and leave it in the car.
Establish a weekly ritual that you faithfully observe. For example, watching a favorite television program, taking a walk after dinner, putting candles on the table.
Give your spouse a little token to wear as a reminder of your love. (Try for creative rather than expensive.)
Kiss your spouse on the back of the neck.
Flirt with each other.
Watch a sunrise or sunset together.
try this...
Make up your own list of things to do to quickly connect with your spouse.
Make sure you do at least one thing from your list every day.
More Information: Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Spring Clean Your Love Life
Source:www.twoofus.org
Assess the Mess
It’s spring and it’s the perfect time to review the state of your relationship. Does your relationship feel healthy and hopeful? Are you living in an emotional dump, at risk of being condemned? Or do you just need a little routine housekeeping to keep your relationship on track? Some questions to ask yourself:
What consistently creates “messes” in your relationship?
What holds you back from greater intimacy with your partner?
What wounds, if any, need to be addressed before you can move forward?
What habits or attitudes of yours consistently undermine the relationship?
How committed is your partner to basic relationship upkeep?
What can you do to cultivate healthy growth in your relationship?
Clear Some Space
Past wounds can crowd out present happiness. We all have some emotional dust bunnies and they only grow bigger with time. Sweeping them under the bed may work for a while, but eventually, you need to get rid of them. Are you finding those pesky little bunnies surprisingly hard to part with? Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional counselor to help you understand why some emotional debris is so hard to shake.
Empty the Trash
Bitterness reeks. Other people pick up on it and it is toxic to any relationship. True forgiveness isn’t a masking agent; it is a cleansing agent. You need to deal honestly with the pain. You need the wounding party to understand how and why their words or actions hurt you. But it takes a lot of forgiveness, applied regularly, to make any relationship work. While true forgiveness is often hard to dispense, it is liberating to both parties.
Take It to the Curb
After scrubbing your own heart as spick-and-span as possible, does your relationship still feel tainted? Are you in a relationship with someone who is utterly incapable of cleaning his or her own emotional mess? If so, it may be time to take the entire relationship to the curb.
If your relationship is worth salvaging, however, be sensitive as to how you communicate these clean-up efforts to your partner. Make sure she understands you are working to uncover the rich beauty of your relationship, not trying to scour her of every perceived imperfection. No relationship is perfect and no person is untouched by human weakness.
Apply Some Paint and Polish
Don’t just pick at the flaws in your relationship. After you have stripped away any unhealthy debris, safeguard your relationship by lavishing your partner with sincere praise, attention and affection. Your partner may feel vulnerable and scrutinized by the cleaning process, so be sure he perceives your renewed commitment to the relationship. The primary purpose of emotional “spring cleaning” is not disposal, but preservation of everything good, true and lovely in a relationship.
Build Something New Together
Spring is a time for new life and renewal. Don’t just tidy up your relationship; build on it. Find new ways to invest in your partner and your relationship. No matter how many years you have been with your partner, you can always explore new dimensions of your relationship. Try a new activity together, splurge on a shared dream, or simply make an effort to build your partner’s sense of self-worth. Investing in your partner is an investment in your shared life together.
Every good relationship requires regular upkeep—devote some time this spring to an honest assessment of your current situation and to building a healthy future together.
Assess the Mess
It’s spring and it’s the perfect time to review the state of your relationship. Does your relationship feel healthy and hopeful? Are you living in an emotional dump, at risk of being condemned? Or do you just need a little routine housekeeping to keep your relationship on track? Some questions to ask yourself:
What consistently creates “messes” in your relationship?
What holds you back from greater intimacy with your partner?
What wounds, if any, need to be addressed before you can move forward?
What habits or attitudes of yours consistently undermine the relationship?
How committed is your partner to basic relationship upkeep?
What can you do to cultivate healthy growth in your relationship?
Clear Some Space
Past wounds can crowd out present happiness. We all have some emotional dust bunnies and they only grow bigger with time. Sweeping them under the bed may work for a while, but eventually, you need to get rid of them. Are you finding those pesky little bunnies surprisingly hard to part with? Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional counselor to help you understand why some emotional debris is so hard to shake.
Empty the Trash
Bitterness reeks. Other people pick up on it and it is toxic to any relationship. True forgiveness isn’t a masking agent; it is a cleansing agent. You need to deal honestly with the pain. You need the wounding party to understand how and why their words or actions hurt you. But it takes a lot of forgiveness, applied regularly, to make any relationship work. While true forgiveness is often hard to dispense, it is liberating to both parties.
Take It to the Curb
After scrubbing your own heart as spick-and-span as possible, does your relationship still feel tainted? Are you in a relationship with someone who is utterly incapable of cleaning his or her own emotional mess? If so, it may be time to take the entire relationship to the curb.
If your relationship is worth salvaging, however, be sensitive as to how you communicate these clean-up efforts to your partner. Make sure she understands you are working to uncover the rich beauty of your relationship, not trying to scour her of every perceived imperfection. No relationship is perfect and no person is untouched by human weakness.
Apply Some Paint and Polish
Don’t just pick at the flaws in your relationship. After you have stripped away any unhealthy debris, safeguard your relationship by lavishing your partner with sincere praise, attention and affection. Your partner may feel vulnerable and scrutinized by the cleaning process, so be sure he perceives your renewed commitment to the relationship. The primary purpose of emotional “spring cleaning” is not disposal, but preservation of everything good, true and lovely in a relationship.
Build Something New Together
Spring is a time for new life and renewal. Don’t just tidy up your relationship; build on it. Find new ways to invest in your partner and your relationship. No matter how many years you have been with your partner, you can always explore new dimensions of your relationship. Try a new activity together, splurge on a shared dream, or simply make an effort to build your partner’s sense of self-worth. Investing in your partner is an investment in your shared life together.
Every good relationship requires regular upkeep—devote some time this spring to an honest assessment of your current situation and to building a healthy future together.
Inspiring Couples Share Words to Live-and Love-By
Source.www.twoofus.org
Words are easy to manufacture. True and lasting love, however, is not so easily produced … or sustained.
In a world of bogus advertising and broken promises, it is easy—even natural—to be a little skeptical of words. Words don’t cost us much and only the speaker can fully know the intent behind them. But when our words are reinforced by our actions—day after day, year after year—words can begin to seem trustworthy again.
The quotes below come from real couples who have earned the right to their words. Each was nominated by their friends, family or co-workers as an ‘Inspiring Couple’ for giving them a reason to believe again in love. They have learned—and lived—their words of wisdom through years of joy, companionship … and trials.
Words to Live—And Love By
“Have respect for each other and be honest even in the little things. Always put the needs of others before your own, and don’t let your love die.”
- Randy and Cheri Blackwood (married since 1979)
“The biggest stumbling block couples face is unmet expectations – children, responsibilities, finances, etc. The more a couple discusses their expectations for every area of life, the better they can predict where their differences will be and deal with them objectively.”
- Bob and Annette Wallace (married since 1992)
“Love’s passion is wonderful, but it’s just as important that you really like and respect the person you are about to make a lifetime commitment to … Couples should ask themselves: Would I be friends with this person even if we weren’t in love?”
- Bill and Shirley McConnell (married since 1953)
“Have open expectations; setting unrealistic expectations will cause you to fail. Be patient, build trust, learn to communicate and forgive.”
- James and Nancy Lawson (married since 1973)
“You have to be committed and protect your marriage at all costs. There is nothing you can’t work through. Even if you don’t feel like loving your spouse on hard days, you have the power to lead your heart.”
- Kevin and Amanda Johnson (married since 2003)
“Show respect for each other … be supportive and work together as a team. Enjoy quality time together but allow each other the independence to do your own thing and pursue personal interests.”
- Jesse and Anita Martinez (married since 1948)
“Live a positive life – it’s contagious. Have a sense of humor, respect each other, learn how to communicate well and remember why you fell in love.”
- Matt and Kelly Allen (married since 1991)
“Honor your commitment. The most important commitment you should have on this earth is to each other.”
- Jim and Robin Riley (married since 1968)
These couples are not selling anything. But they are buying something—the idea that love can endure and a relationship can truly grow richer over time. Without at least believing in the possibility of enduring love, a lasting relationship is nearly impossible to achieve.
Perhaps you don’t put too much stock in promises of eternal love and faithfulness. Perhaps you shouldn’t. But perhaps we should put a little more faith in the evidence of words in action. Before you dismiss the relationship “testimony” of credible couples, ask yourself what the consequences are for losing faith in the concept of lasting love. Be sure it is a price you are willing to pay—and one that you really need to pay in the first place.
Everlasting love may be scarcer than we’d all like, but it’s not a fantasy either. We are grateful to couples like these for reminding us that some couples really do grow old … and wise together.
Words are easy to manufacture. True and lasting love, however, is not so easily produced … or sustained.
In a world of bogus advertising and broken promises, it is easy—even natural—to be a little skeptical of words. Words don’t cost us much and only the speaker can fully know the intent behind them. But when our words are reinforced by our actions—day after day, year after year—words can begin to seem trustworthy again.
The quotes below come from real couples who have earned the right to their words. Each was nominated by their friends, family or co-workers as an ‘Inspiring Couple’ for giving them a reason to believe again in love. They have learned—and lived—their words of wisdom through years of joy, companionship … and trials.
Words to Live—And Love By
“Have respect for each other and be honest even in the little things. Always put the needs of others before your own, and don’t let your love die.”
- Randy and Cheri Blackwood (married since 1979)
“The biggest stumbling block couples face is unmet expectations – children, responsibilities, finances, etc. The more a couple discusses their expectations for every area of life, the better they can predict where their differences will be and deal with them objectively.”
- Bob and Annette Wallace (married since 1992)
“Love’s passion is wonderful, but it’s just as important that you really like and respect the person you are about to make a lifetime commitment to … Couples should ask themselves: Would I be friends with this person even if we weren’t in love?”
- Bill and Shirley McConnell (married since 1953)
“Have open expectations; setting unrealistic expectations will cause you to fail. Be patient, build trust, learn to communicate and forgive.”
- James and Nancy Lawson (married since 1973)
“You have to be committed and protect your marriage at all costs. There is nothing you can’t work through. Even if you don’t feel like loving your spouse on hard days, you have the power to lead your heart.”
- Kevin and Amanda Johnson (married since 2003)
“Show respect for each other … be supportive and work together as a team. Enjoy quality time together but allow each other the independence to do your own thing and pursue personal interests.”
- Jesse and Anita Martinez (married since 1948)
“Live a positive life – it’s contagious. Have a sense of humor, respect each other, learn how to communicate well and remember why you fell in love.”
- Matt and Kelly Allen (married since 1991)
“Honor your commitment. The most important commitment you should have on this earth is to each other.”
- Jim and Robin Riley (married since 1968)
These couples are not selling anything. But they are buying something—the idea that love can endure and a relationship can truly grow richer over time. Without at least believing in the possibility of enduring love, a lasting relationship is nearly impossible to achieve.
Perhaps you don’t put too much stock in promises of eternal love and faithfulness. Perhaps you shouldn’t. But perhaps we should put a little more faith in the evidence of words in action. Before you dismiss the relationship “testimony” of credible couples, ask yourself what the consequences are for losing faith in the concept of lasting love. Be sure it is a price you are willing to pay—and one that you really need to pay in the first place.
Everlasting love may be scarcer than we’d all like, but it’s not a fantasy either. We are grateful to couples like these for reminding us that some couples really do grow old … and wise together.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Married with Children
source: twoofus.org
Having kids changes everything, and this includes your marriage. Unfortunately, few couples realize how their marriage will change when a new baby comes home and how it will continue to change as their children get older.
How Does Parenting Affect Marriage?
Less Patience
Sleep deprivation, messes galore, and repeated discussions on why it's important to listen to the teacher may leave you too exhausted and cranky to gather the patience you need to talk with your spouse. Even the strongest couples find themselves snapping at each other over minor issues and forgoing pleasantries in favor of "getting it done."
Less Time
With one person (or more!) depending on you for everything from food to entertainment, you have less time for yourself and your spouse. This means fewer opportunities to relax and recharge and fewer chances to connect with your spouse and talk about your feelings and problems.
Less Sex
Between household chores and being the homeroom parent, a lack of sex may be the least of your worries. It's normal for sex to diminish after a baby's birth. It's also common for it to be an ongoing challenge as you and your spouse struggle to find a moment alone that won't be interrupted by an older child or your own thoughts about what needs to be done before the day ends.
More Cooperation
Running a household with children requires the ultimate in teamwork between you and your spouse. There's a lot of work to be done and a host of challenges that are bound to create conflict unless you each cooperate to overcome new hurdles.
Family and Opinions
Family members who were once silent may suddenly have an opinion on your life and how you should do things once you add children to the mix. Couples may not always agree on how much "help" from family is the right amount.
What You Can Do to Keep Your Marriage Strong
It's not all doom and gloom. The changes above are normal, and they won't last forever. Below are some tips that can help you to get through the rough times.
Talk to Each Other
No matter how tired you are, take a few minutes every day to share how you're feeling, discuss your problems, and listen to your spouse. It's important to keep the lines of communication open. Many books and workshops are available to help teach strategies for making your conversations effective.
Divide Up the Work
Few couples talk about who is responsible for the family chores until they find themselves resenting their spouse or arguing about doing the lion's share of the work. Before problems arise, talk about who will do what job and when.
Be Flexible
Understand that things will change, and this includes you and your spouse. When you bring people into your family, change is inevitable. Roll with the punches, even if it isn’t your style.
Enjoy Your Family
You planned you family---now's the time to relax with your spouse and grin at the life you've built together, even if it is over a pile of dirty laundry, in a van on your way to soccer practice, or next to a baby covered in cereal.
Having kids changes everything, and this includes your marriage. Unfortunately, few couples realize how their marriage will change when a new baby comes home and how it will continue to change as their children get older.
How Does Parenting Affect Marriage?
Less Patience
Sleep deprivation, messes galore, and repeated discussions on why it's important to listen to the teacher may leave you too exhausted and cranky to gather the patience you need to talk with your spouse. Even the strongest couples find themselves snapping at each other over minor issues and forgoing pleasantries in favor of "getting it done."
Less Time
With one person (or more!) depending on you for everything from food to entertainment, you have less time for yourself and your spouse. This means fewer opportunities to relax and recharge and fewer chances to connect with your spouse and talk about your feelings and problems.
Less Sex
Between household chores and being the homeroom parent, a lack of sex may be the least of your worries. It's normal for sex to diminish after a baby's birth. It's also common for it to be an ongoing challenge as you and your spouse struggle to find a moment alone that won't be interrupted by an older child or your own thoughts about what needs to be done before the day ends.
More Cooperation
Running a household with children requires the ultimate in teamwork between you and your spouse. There's a lot of work to be done and a host of challenges that are bound to create conflict unless you each cooperate to overcome new hurdles.
Family and Opinions
Family members who were once silent may suddenly have an opinion on your life and how you should do things once you add children to the mix. Couples may not always agree on how much "help" from family is the right amount.
What You Can Do to Keep Your Marriage Strong
It's not all doom and gloom. The changes above are normal, and they won't last forever. Below are some tips that can help you to get through the rough times.
Talk to Each Other
No matter how tired you are, take a few minutes every day to share how you're feeling, discuss your problems, and listen to your spouse. It's important to keep the lines of communication open. Many books and workshops are available to help teach strategies for making your conversations effective.
Divide Up the Work
Few couples talk about who is responsible for the family chores until they find themselves resenting their spouse or arguing about doing the lion's share of the work. Before problems arise, talk about who will do what job and when.
Be Flexible
Understand that things will change, and this includes you and your spouse. When you bring people into your family, change is inevitable. Roll with the punches, even if it isn’t your style.
Enjoy Your Family
You planned you family---now's the time to relax with your spouse and grin at the life you've built together, even if it is over a pile of dirty laundry, in a van on your way to soccer practice, or next to a baby covered in cereal.
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