Source:www.twoofus.org
It takes work to have a healthy marriage, but it is possible. Just like good nutrition and regular exercise can help you to have a healthy body, there are things you can do to have a healthy marriage.
Here are 10 tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:
1) Spend Time with Each Other.
Married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and weekend activities. If a getaway is not immediately possible, then make it a goal toward which you will work. By spending time with your partner, you will better understand your differences and how to negotiate the problems they may cause. Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion—healthy marriages need both.
2) Learn to Negotiate Conflict.
Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point, however, when it can increase in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. Working out problems in a relationship starts with understanding what your issues are and how to discuss them. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict. Using these resources can go a long way in preserving how safe you and your partner feel.
3) Show Respect for Each Other at All Times.
When a couple fails to respect each other, they often slip into negative habits. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show him or her respect. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if he or she did that to you.
4) Learn About Yourself First.
Make it a point to work on self-discovery. Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result, they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Learning about yourself will better equip you to grow as an individual and a partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, there are always more things you can learn about him or her. What are his dreams for the future? What is her worst fear? What is the way he or she best gives or receives love? Imagine the intimacy and bond you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about one another!
5) Explore Intimacy.
Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that intimacy does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being judgmental or making light of them. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner one type when they really need the other can create problems in your relationship.
6) Explore Common Interests.
Couples thrive when they share similar interests. That doesn’t necessarily mean each partner will enjoy every activity, but it opens up the opportunity for greater sharing and compromise. Doing things separately is not bad; however, common interests are important to healthy marriages. A common interest may be cooking or eating new foods together, going for walks or playing cards. The goal is to have something outside of your family that you both enjoy.
7) Create a Spiritual Connection.
Many couples grow closer when they share some form of spiritual connection. This can be done in many different ways. For example, it may be achieved through an affiliation with a church, synagogue or mosque, through meditation, or by simply spending time in nature or intimate conversation.
8) Improve Your Communication Skills.
The ability to talk and listen to each other is one key to a healthy marriage. You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on and, as a spouse, know when to simply listen. Learning to really hear your partner is a skill that may require practice. There are many resources available like books, marriage education workshops and online courses. All these options can help couples learn how to communicate more effectively.
9) Forgive Each Other.
If he or she hasn’t already, your partner is going to do something that hurts, frustrates or upsets you. Guess what—you are going to do the same thing! Sometimes it might even be on purpose, after an argument or misunderstanding. Forgiveness is a tricky but important virtue in a marriage, especially since no one is perfect. Try to allow your partner some room to make a few mistakes because you will also make some of your own. When you make a mistake, act quickly to apologize and fix problems. Doing so will help to encourage forgiveness and strengthen your marriage.
10) Look for the Best in Each Other.
When you met your partner, you fell in love with some of his or her wonderful qualities. Over time, however, your view of those qualities may have changed. For example, he may have been really good at saving money when you met. Now you just think he’s cheap! Give each other the benefit of the doubt and create a list of all the things you love about your partner. It will help you to fall in love all over again!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Demolish the Fantasy. Build the Dream.
Source: www.twoofus.org
Chances are, you’ve already defined a list of “must-haves” in a mate, or at least a list of “must-not-haves.” Having some concept of what you are looking for in a partner is a good thing—it allows you to focus on relationships with the greatest potential. But what if your wish-list is not realistic, or worse, is made up of attributes that are incompatible with your ultimate relationship goals?
Whether consciously or unconsciously, most of us have a “fantasy” version of what we think our mate should be: how they should look and how they should act. Too often, this fantasy is compromised of superficialities, and not just physical ones. We can also make superficial judgments about a prospective partner’s clothes, career, and other variables that are not necessarily predictors of true happiness. But fixating on a fantasy mate can keep us from achieving the dream of true and lasting love.
The Classic Female Fantasy
So what do women want? Oh, just a few things. He should be…
Financially secure. Sparkling conversationalist. Excellent listener. Good provider. Mysterious, but emotionally available. Funny, but not obnoxious. Manly, even a little dangerous … but always considerate of your feelings. And don’t forget, tall, dark and handsome.
The Classic Male Fantasy
Men have their own criteria—and it is not just a list of measurements. She should be…
Sexy. Stunning. Confident without being overly aggressive or pushy. Nurturing but not smothering. Always up for sex, but only with you, of course. Independent, but into your same activities. Tightly-toned, but curvaceous. Someone who won’t restrict your freedom, but who will always be there when you need her.
Your ideal man or woman may not fall exactly within these lines. Most likely, though, you have sketched an outline of your ideal mate in your mind. But even if you stumble across the rare specimen who embodies all 29 or so of your preferred traits, your partner is likely to deviate at some point from this ideal. None of us can ever perfectly embody a even single ideal, much less a full roster of them.
Most of us are aware that our relationship expectations are not entirely realistic; so why does the human race keep falling prey to mass delusion?
Our relationship ideals have been in the process of being sculpted since our earliest days. Our parents, our first loves, our peers, and our biological impulses all influence who we find attractive.
You don’t have to rip up your mental checklist—there may be some elements on it worth keeping. But take a look at your “list” with fresh eyes and see if it needs a little rewriting. Some questions to ask yourself:
How might my upbringing influence my attractions?
We aren’t talking strict Freudian theory here—not everyone really wants to marry a version of their mom or dad. But your attractions are likely influenced to some degree by specific childhood wishes, longings or traumas. Pay particular attention to anything you felt you didn’t get enough of as a child—attention, affection, affirmation, quality time, etc.—and consider how this may impact your dating decisions.
Do opposites attract … or repulse you?
Are you drawn to people who are like you—or to your polar opposite? Many couples are able to make differences work to their advantage. Couples who are similar in temperament and core values, however, may have an easier path. If you are consistently drawn to people drastically different than yourself, consider if you might be trying to fill some perceived deficiency?
Girls: Are you are sucker for “bad boys”?
If you find you are only drawn to “bad boys,” ask yourself why. Weigh the pull of charisma against the range of bad behaviors that typically accompany such men. Not sure you can be attracted to a nice guy? Opt for a good guy instead … a man who can hold his own but who upholds the values that are most important to you in a mate.
Guys: Are you looking at the whole package?
Physical attraction is important—no argument here. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that the most beautiful woman in the room is always the best girl in the room. In the end, she may not even be the sexiest. Personality, chemistry, character and confidence may not get your attention as quickly as sheer beauty—but these traits are likely to hold your attention for longer.
Both fantasies and dreams are rooted in the imagination, so making distinctions between them may seem like splitting hairs. But while a fantasy is always just out of reach, a dream is something we can build together with our mates.
“Dream relationships” don’t happen overnight. Real dreams are best built in the full light of day, with a clear knowledge of what is—and isn’t—essential to achieving a real, if imperfect, vision of happiness.
Chances are, you’ve already defined a list of “must-haves” in a mate, or at least a list of “must-not-haves.” Having some concept of what you are looking for in a partner is a good thing—it allows you to focus on relationships with the greatest potential. But what if your wish-list is not realistic, or worse, is made up of attributes that are incompatible with your ultimate relationship goals?
Whether consciously or unconsciously, most of us have a “fantasy” version of what we think our mate should be: how they should look and how they should act. Too often, this fantasy is compromised of superficialities, and not just physical ones. We can also make superficial judgments about a prospective partner’s clothes, career, and other variables that are not necessarily predictors of true happiness. But fixating on a fantasy mate can keep us from achieving the dream of true and lasting love.
The Classic Female Fantasy
So what do women want? Oh, just a few things. He should be…
Financially secure. Sparkling conversationalist. Excellent listener. Good provider. Mysterious, but emotionally available. Funny, but not obnoxious. Manly, even a little dangerous … but always considerate of your feelings. And don’t forget, tall, dark and handsome.
The Classic Male Fantasy
Men have their own criteria—and it is not just a list of measurements. She should be…
Sexy. Stunning. Confident without being overly aggressive or pushy. Nurturing but not smothering. Always up for sex, but only with you, of course. Independent, but into your same activities. Tightly-toned, but curvaceous. Someone who won’t restrict your freedom, but who will always be there when you need her.
Your ideal man or woman may not fall exactly within these lines. Most likely, though, you have sketched an outline of your ideal mate in your mind. But even if you stumble across the rare specimen who embodies all 29 or so of your preferred traits, your partner is likely to deviate at some point from this ideal. None of us can ever perfectly embody a even single ideal, much less a full roster of them.
Most of us are aware that our relationship expectations are not entirely realistic; so why does the human race keep falling prey to mass delusion?
Our relationship ideals have been in the process of being sculpted since our earliest days. Our parents, our first loves, our peers, and our biological impulses all influence who we find attractive.
You don’t have to rip up your mental checklist—there may be some elements on it worth keeping. But take a look at your “list” with fresh eyes and see if it needs a little rewriting. Some questions to ask yourself:
How might my upbringing influence my attractions?
We aren’t talking strict Freudian theory here—not everyone really wants to marry a version of their mom or dad. But your attractions are likely influenced to some degree by specific childhood wishes, longings or traumas. Pay particular attention to anything you felt you didn’t get enough of as a child—attention, affection, affirmation, quality time, etc.—and consider how this may impact your dating decisions.
Do opposites attract … or repulse you?
Are you drawn to people who are like you—or to your polar opposite? Many couples are able to make differences work to their advantage. Couples who are similar in temperament and core values, however, may have an easier path. If you are consistently drawn to people drastically different than yourself, consider if you might be trying to fill some perceived deficiency?
Girls: Are you are sucker for “bad boys”?
If you find you are only drawn to “bad boys,” ask yourself why. Weigh the pull of charisma against the range of bad behaviors that typically accompany such men. Not sure you can be attracted to a nice guy? Opt for a good guy instead … a man who can hold his own but who upholds the values that are most important to you in a mate.
Guys: Are you looking at the whole package?
Physical attraction is important—no argument here. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that the most beautiful woman in the room is always the best girl in the room. In the end, she may not even be the sexiest. Personality, chemistry, character and confidence may not get your attention as quickly as sheer beauty—but these traits are likely to hold your attention for longer.
Both fantasies and dreams are rooted in the imagination, so making distinctions between them may seem like splitting hairs. But while a fantasy is always just out of reach, a dream is something we can build together with our mates.
“Dream relationships” don’t happen overnight. Real dreams are best built in the full light of day, with a clear knowledge of what is—and isn’t—essential to achieving a real, if imperfect, vision of happiness.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
10 Simple Ways to Make a Marriage Last
Source: www.twoofus.org
The fundamental rules for human interaction—kindness, fairness and respect—are taught to us as young children. Unfortunately, many of these lessons are forgotten (or unlearned) by the time we reach adulthood.
Treating others the way we’d like to be treated seems simple enough … until we have to do it every day. But what makes the “Golden Rule” golden is its simple genius. Relationships aren’t rocket science, but they do call for the same level of patience and dedication. Since most of us haven’t visited a grade school in years, here’s a quick refresher on how to treat your spouse in a way that helps your marriage go the distance:
Be kind (not nice).
Most of the lessons our kindergarten teachers drill into us as children are also useful in our adult relationships. But niceness is one rule that can actually backfire in a romantic relationship. Some partners can (however wrongly) interpret niceness as weakness. Moreover, niceness is often insincere—it is a coping mechanism taught to us as children to help us deal with people we don’t really like. True kindness, by contrast, doesn’t condescend or pretend. Kindness looks to the core worth of another person and responds accordingly. Kindness doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or even always “playing nice”—it just means processing through issues with a sincere respect for your spouse’s feelings and humanity.
Be sexually generous.
Marriage is not an excuse to be a sexual slacker. When you put your spouse’s sexual needs first, your own are likely to be satisfied as well. If for some reason your needs continue to be unmet, don’t just seethe about it—communicate with your spouse. Affirm your love for him or her while helping them understand what makes you feel loved.
Be there.
Your presence, both physical and emotional, is critical to the survival of your relationship. Try to be present in the moment and to be sensitive to your spouse’s emotional state. Really listen when your spouse speaks. If your job or other obligations routinely keep you away from your spouse, take a hard look at your options and determine what is best for the overall health of your marriage.
Be grateful.
Before you rush to judge, take a step back and remember what you have in your partner. Is he or she loyal, considerate or kind? What flaws of yours does your spouse patiently endure?
Be helpful.
You shouldn’t be helpful just for the sake of getting what you want. But you’d be surprised at how often helping your partner out—especially when he or she is stressed—can yield the kind of response you crave most. If you feel shortchanged on affection, communication or time, try being more helpful. It’s not a magic formula guaranteed to bring results, but it can help improve your spouse’s mood, and by extension, your relationship.
Don’t over-romanticize.
Drop your delusions and see how much room it frees up for real love.
Don’t over-dramatize.
Some people thrive on drama. If you are one of those people, you are bound to be disappointed by any healthy relationship. Where no drama exists, drama-addicts will find ways to provoke or manufacture it.
Don’t nag or nitpick.
You may think your “constructive” criticism or helpful reminders will help mold your spouse into your idealized man or woman. More likely, it will just wear them out. You may or may not get what you want … and you are likely to something you didn’t want: resentment.
Don’t lose focus.
We live in a hyper-saturated, hyper-stimulated world. Beauty is distorted, augmented and airbrushed. Willing sexual partners are around every dance club corner. Pornography is ubiquitous. Destructive behaviors are exaggerated (and glamorized) by “reality” shows. It seems like everyone is misbehaving and if you aren’t, you must be missing out. But the desire for meaningful relationships is at the core of the human heart. You can try to take the shortcut to this kind of happiness by responding to every enticement that comes your way. Or you can choose to focus on a real relationship, and enjoy the enduring pleasures such a relationship provides.
Don’t be selfish.
It sounds simple enough. But selfishness underlies most of our broken relationships—and it is a hard habit to break. Selfishness can take many forms: financial, behavioral, emotional or sexual. We all fall victim to selfishness from time to time, but chronic selfishness can do lasting damage to a relationship. Selfishness presents itself as a way to secure your own happiness, but most of the time, it actually erodes it.
The fundamental rules for human interaction—kindness, fairness and respect—are taught to us as young children. Unfortunately, many of these lessons are forgotten (or unlearned) by the time we reach adulthood.
Treating others the way we’d like to be treated seems simple enough … until we have to do it every day. But what makes the “Golden Rule” golden is its simple genius. Relationships aren’t rocket science, but they do call for the same level of patience and dedication. Since most of us haven’t visited a grade school in years, here’s a quick refresher on how to treat your spouse in a way that helps your marriage go the distance:
Be kind (not nice).
Most of the lessons our kindergarten teachers drill into us as children are also useful in our adult relationships. But niceness is one rule that can actually backfire in a romantic relationship. Some partners can (however wrongly) interpret niceness as weakness. Moreover, niceness is often insincere—it is a coping mechanism taught to us as children to help us deal with people we don’t really like. True kindness, by contrast, doesn’t condescend or pretend. Kindness looks to the core worth of another person and responds accordingly. Kindness doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or even always “playing nice”—it just means processing through issues with a sincere respect for your spouse’s feelings and humanity.
Be sexually generous.
Marriage is not an excuse to be a sexual slacker. When you put your spouse’s sexual needs first, your own are likely to be satisfied as well. If for some reason your needs continue to be unmet, don’t just seethe about it—communicate with your spouse. Affirm your love for him or her while helping them understand what makes you feel loved.
Be there.
Your presence, both physical and emotional, is critical to the survival of your relationship. Try to be present in the moment and to be sensitive to your spouse’s emotional state. Really listen when your spouse speaks. If your job or other obligations routinely keep you away from your spouse, take a hard look at your options and determine what is best for the overall health of your marriage.
Be grateful.
Before you rush to judge, take a step back and remember what you have in your partner. Is he or she loyal, considerate or kind? What flaws of yours does your spouse patiently endure?
Be helpful.
You shouldn’t be helpful just for the sake of getting what you want. But you’d be surprised at how often helping your partner out—especially when he or she is stressed—can yield the kind of response you crave most. If you feel shortchanged on affection, communication or time, try being more helpful. It’s not a magic formula guaranteed to bring results, but it can help improve your spouse’s mood, and by extension, your relationship.
Don’t over-romanticize.
Drop your delusions and see how much room it frees up for real love.
Don’t over-dramatize.
Some people thrive on drama. If you are one of those people, you are bound to be disappointed by any healthy relationship. Where no drama exists, drama-addicts will find ways to provoke or manufacture it.
Don’t nag or nitpick.
You may think your “constructive” criticism or helpful reminders will help mold your spouse into your idealized man or woman. More likely, it will just wear them out. You may or may not get what you want … and you are likely to something you didn’t want: resentment.
Don’t lose focus.
We live in a hyper-saturated, hyper-stimulated world. Beauty is distorted, augmented and airbrushed. Willing sexual partners are around every dance club corner. Pornography is ubiquitous. Destructive behaviors are exaggerated (and glamorized) by “reality” shows. It seems like everyone is misbehaving and if you aren’t, you must be missing out. But the desire for meaningful relationships is at the core of the human heart. You can try to take the shortcut to this kind of happiness by responding to every enticement that comes your way. Or you can choose to focus on a real relationship, and enjoy the enduring pleasures such a relationship provides.
Don’t be selfish.
It sounds simple enough. But selfishness underlies most of our broken relationships—and it is a hard habit to break. Selfishness can take many forms: financial, behavioral, emotional or sexual. We all fall victim to selfishness from time to time, but chronic selfishness can do lasting damage to a relationship. Selfishness presents itself as a way to secure your own happiness, but most of the time, it actually erodes it.
How to Combine Your Lives Without Losing Your Identity
Source:www.twoofus.org
Two of the greatest benefits of a healthy relationship are sharing your interests with someone and learning new things. Being in a relationship shouldn't change who you are. It should add to your personality but never take away from it.
In the early stages of a relationship, we can get so swept up in our new love that we prioritize that relationship over other things we used to love, like hanging out with friends, seeing family, volunteering, or going to the gym. But most people find a balance between their life and their love over time. Remember that your partner was attracted to who you are before they came along, so you don't want to give up what made you "you."
Loss of Identity – What is It?
When you meet someone special, it's natural to want to please that person. But while compromise is necessary to a successful relationship, you should never feel like you have to give up your individuality. This will only lead to resentment down the road.
Many people fear the idea of being alone or losing someone they care about so much that they're willing to do anything they can to hang on to a relationship, even if the relationship is weak and it means losing themselves in the process. To them, any type of relationship is better than none.
Loss of identify usually starts slowly. You may act differently when you're with your partner or hide pieces of your personality you're not sure they'll like. Maybe you start to dress differently, stop watching certain TV shows, or alter your speech pattern. As time goes on, who you are is cast aside in favor of the person you think they want you to be. As you worry that they love the person you've become, not the person you are, you may start to resent your partner and the relationship you initially worked so hard to keep.
When Your Partner Wants a Change
If your partner asks you to change or act differently, don't be afraid to ask them why they want you to change. Will the change better your relationship? More importantly, do you want to make a change? Learning something new that is important to your partner, like trying a new sport or different types of food, is important. Just make sure you are also introducing your partner to things that you like to do and places you like to go. You won't lose sight of who you are by making small concessions here and there, like putting the toilet seat down or switching from Coke to Pepsi, but you should be on the lookout for requests that have you acting differently or have your friends and people you trust telling you that "you've changed" and it isn't for the best.
The Value of Maintaining Individual Interests/Hobbies
Being in a good relationship does not mean that you "complete" each other. You don't need to love to do the same activities or agree on the perfect vacation spot. You need to respect that there are things you love to do together and that you each have your own interests, too. Things bring something to the relationship that you can discuss and appreciate about your partner.
Conclusion
You should never lose who you are in a relationship. In fact, a healthy partnership should add to your identity, bringing out sides of your personality that you never knew you had, and introduce you to things you never knew you would like.
Be yourself. Expect your partner to love you for who you are and be prepared to love them back.
Two of the greatest benefits of a healthy relationship are sharing your interests with someone and learning new things. Being in a relationship shouldn't change who you are. It should add to your personality but never take away from it.
In the early stages of a relationship, we can get so swept up in our new love that we prioritize that relationship over other things we used to love, like hanging out with friends, seeing family, volunteering, or going to the gym. But most people find a balance between their life and their love over time. Remember that your partner was attracted to who you are before they came along, so you don't want to give up what made you "you."
Loss of Identity – What is It?
When you meet someone special, it's natural to want to please that person. But while compromise is necessary to a successful relationship, you should never feel like you have to give up your individuality. This will only lead to resentment down the road.
Many people fear the idea of being alone or losing someone they care about so much that they're willing to do anything they can to hang on to a relationship, even if the relationship is weak and it means losing themselves in the process. To them, any type of relationship is better than none.
Loss of identify usually starts slowly. You may act differently when you're with your partner or hide pieces of your personality you're not sure they'll like. Maybe you start to dress differently, stop watching certain TV shows, or alter your speech pattern. As time goes on, who you are is cast aside in favor of the person you think they want you to be. As you worry that they love the person you've become, not the person you are, you may start to resent your partner and the relationship you initially worked so hard to keep.
When Your Partner Wants a Change
If your partner asks you to change or act differently, don't be afraid to ask them why they want you to change. Will the change better your relationship? More importantly, do you want to make a change? Learning something new that is important to your partner, like trying a new sport or different types of food, is important. Just make sure you are also introducing your partner to things that you like to do and places you like to go. You won't lose sight of who you are by making small concessions here and there, like putting the toilet seat down or switching from Coke to Pepsi, but you should be on the lookout for requests that have you acting differently or have your friends and people you trust telling you that "you've changed" and it isn't for the best.
The Value of Maintaining Individual Interests/Hobbies
Being in a good relationship does not mean that you "complete" each other. You don't need to love to do the same activities or agree on the perfect vacation spot. You need to respect that there are things you love to do together and that you each have your own interests, too. Things bring something to the relationship that you can discuss and appreciate about your partner.
Conclusion
You should never lose who you are in a relationship. In fact, a healthy partnership should add to your identity, bringing out sides of your personality that you never knew you had, and introduce you to things you never knew you would like.
Be yourself. Expect your partner to love you for who you are and be prepared to love them back.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Marriage Discussion: Marriage Education vs. Counseling: How Do We Know Which is Right for Us?
Source: www.twoofus.org
Healthy marriage takes a lot of work and often presents us with challenges that take time to overcome. Everyone can use a little help in improving their relationship. Sometimes joining a group of couples who are learning tools to keep their marriage strong can help. Other times a counselor or therapist who meets one-on-one with you and your spouse is what you need. But how do you know which is right for you?
Here are some of the key things to consider:
Marriage Education:
Marriage education is simply what it says: education. You can learn different ideas for solving problems, and talking about your feelings. Marriage education is designed to improve your relationship and skills. It can provide couples with the tools to have a happy, healthy, strong marriage and can be useful at any stage of marriage. Most marriage education programs can help couples learn to:
• Improve communication
• Resolve conflict productively (a key characteristic in couples that thrive in marriage)
• Handle differences in expectations
• Deal with anger and emotions constructively
• Learning how to forgive and make healthy sacrifices to benefit the relationship
• Work together as a team
• Included or restore fun and healthy sexuality in the relationship
• Strengthen your trust in and commitment to the relationship
Most importantly, marriage education has the goal of helping to strengthen your marriage and family life and to prevent marital distress or breakdown. Most couples can learn something new, whether you are dating or have been married for 20 years. Educational seminars are usually held in a group setting through a series of workshops or sessions led by a trained leader. You can also learn marriage education through couple retreats, self-help books, and videos. Marriage education is a great way to keep your marriage on the right track by giving you the tools to handle issues like job stress, parenting, aging parents, money problems or anything else that can be hard to discuss.
Marriage Counseling:
Marriage counseling (or couples therapy) is a service that couples seek when they can no longer manage issues, and are questioning the level of commitment to their marriage. Marriage counseling is provided by a trained, licensed professional who can give you personal advice and help you with serious issues that keep getting in the way of your relationship. Many counselors may include marriage education into your sessions, but it is a more specialized service. Seek help from a professional if you or your spouse have any of the following:
• Addictions or substance abuse
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Sexual problems
• Severe child behavior issues
• Significant financial problems
• Difficulty with blending families
• A partner has been unfaithful in the marriage
• Constant fighting and anger
• Mental health issues (such as depression or eating disorders)
• When one spouse considers leaving the relationship
• If you’re staying in the relationship only because of your children
If you believe that your marriage might be in trouble or you are having any of the issues listed above, consider seeking professional help. Ultimately, marriage counseling itself cannot save a marriage. Only two people who are committed to work to overcome hardships can save a marriage. With the help of a professional, however, many couples who thought counseling wouldn’t work find that they have very happy, satisfying relationships today.
Healthy marriage takes a lot of work and often presents us with challenges that take time to overcome. Everyone can use a little help in improving their relationship. Sometimes joining a group of couples who are learning tools to keep their marriage strong can help. Other times a counselor or therapist who meets one-on-one with you and your spouse is what you need. But how do you know which is right for you?
Here are some of the key things to consider:
Marriage Education:
Marriage education is simply what it says: education. You can learn different ideas for solving problems, and talking about your feelings. Marriage education is designed to improve your relationship and skills. It can provide couples with the tools to have a happy, healthy, strong marriage and can be useful at any stage of marriage. Most marriage education programs can help couples learn to:
• Improve communication
• Resolve conflict productively (a key characteristic in couples that thrive in marriage)
• Handle differences in expectations
• Deal with anger and emotions constructively
• Learning how to forgive and make healthy sacrifices to benefit the relationship
• Work together as a team
• Included or restore fun and healthy sexuality in the relationship
• Strengthen your trust in and commitment to the relationship
Most importantly, marriage education has the goal of helping to strengthen your marriage and family life and to prevent marital distress or breakdown. Most couples can learn something new, whether you are dating or have been married for 20 years. Educational seminars are usually held in a group setting through a series of workshops or sessions led by a trained leader. You can also learn marriage education through couple retreats, self-help books, and videos. Marriage education is a great way to keep your marriage on the right track by giving you the tools to handle issues like job stress, parenting, aging parents, money problems or anything else that can be hard to discuss.
Marriage Counseling:
Marriage counseling (or couples therapy) is a service that couples seek when they can no longer manage issues, and are questioning the level of commitment to their marriage. Marriage counseling is provided by a trained, licensed professional who can give you personal advice and help you with serious issues that keep getting in the way of your relationship. Many counselors may include marriage education into your sessions, but it is a more specialized service. Seek help from a professional if you or your spouse have any of the following:
• Addictions or substance abuse
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Sexual problems
• Severe child behavior issues
• Significant financial problems
• Difficulty with blending families
• A partner has been unfaithful in the marriage
• Constant fighting and anger
• Mental health issues (such as depression or eating disorders)
• When one spouse considers leaving the relationship
• If you’re staying in the relationship only because of your children
If you believe that your marriage might be in trouble or you are having any of the issues listed above, consider seeking professional help. Ultimately, marriage counseling itself cannot save a marriage. Only two people who are committed to work to overcome hardships can save a marriage. With the help of a professional, however, many couples who thought counseling wouldn’t work find that they have very happy, satisfying relationships today.
Committed Relationship Discussion: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...Right? How Do We Know if We're Ready?
Source: www.twoofus.org
There is some real wisdom behind that childhood rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage.” But how do you know if you are ready? Marriage is a major life decision and with a national divorce rate hovering around 50%, many people are fearful about this choice. Although no one can tell you if you’re ready to get married, there are three important things to think about that can help you make this decision.
Understand what marriage is really about
The keys to a successful marriage aren’t a mystery. Successful marriages are full of love, trust, mutual respect, honesty, and tremendous commitment and dedication to a “we” way of thinking. Successful marriages are not only about how well you, as a couple, handle the hard stuff that will inevitably come your way on a daily basis (finances, chores, communication, in-laws, sexuality, parenting, etc.), but about how well you protect the good stuff too (fun, affection, friendship, etc.) You and your partner were attracted to one another and developed a romantic relationship. Romance is like the starter fluid - it can get a fire burning, but a fire, just like a marriage, needs more than that to grow and sustain itself. To allow your relationship to grow you need to understand each other on an emotional level. Make sure that you and your partner have discussed and come to some agreement about the following issues that are keys to success in marriage:
Are we going to have children? If so, how many and who will take care of them?
Do we agree on how our money will be spent and saved? Do we have mutual financial goals as a couple? Are our individual financial obligations in order?
Do we agree on how will we divide household chores?
Do we have a shared view of how spirituality will play a role in our relationship and in the upbringing of our children?
Are we comfortable discussing our sexual expectations, needs, and fears?
Do we like and respect each other’s friends and family? Is either of us concerned that these relationships will interfere with our marriage?
Can we communicate well with each other (both through speaking and listening) well?
Have we been able to successfully resolve most problems that have come our way while we have been dating? Can we talk without fighting most of the time and are we willing to make up after an argument?
Do we agree on how to spend quality time together having fun and maintaining our friendship? Have we planned how we will make this a priority?
Examine your motivation to marry
If you are getting married to be free from your parents’ control, to cure loneliness, to be happy, to have sex, because you feel social pressure, or for money or security, then you may not be getting married for the right reasons. Marriage isn’t a way to live happily ever after or a way for another person to make you feel complete. If you know what you want out of life, you’re happy and successful on your own, and you’re ready to share your future with another, then you’re probably getting married for healthy reasons. Research also shows that if you prepare for marriage by discussing your expectations and vision for the future, you have a better chance of being successful. Discuss with each other why you want to marry, what you hope to achieve as a married couple and what you’ve experienced by watching friends or family’s marriages (or divorces).
Marriage is not for everyone. Talking with friends, family, a faith leader, counselor or marriage educator may help you examine your motivation for marriage. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your goals and expectations. Attend a premarital education workshop to help you explore your feelings and develop skills for communicating your expectations. About 10 percent of couples who do this determine marriage isn’t right for them, and that is O.K.
Know your partner well
Truly knowing your partner takes time, shared experiences, and lots of talking. Marriage is very hard to do well, so take the time to make sure your partner is the one you want to invest in for a future. Here are some important things to think about in order to know your partner well:
Does my partner share similar life goals and expectations for marriage?
Does my partner share similar values and morals for behavior?
Do I feel comfortable with my partner’s mental and physical health history?
Do I feel respected, appreciated, and supported by my partner when we interact?
Do I feel confident about my partner’s commitment to a life-long future together?
Can I accept my partner for who he/she is today without any hidden agenda to try to change him/her?
Since the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, is there anything about my partner’s past behavior that concerns me? If so, have I been able to talk about these concerns?
When I marry my partner, I am also marrying into his/her family. Since people often repeat patterns that were practiced in families, have I discussed these patterns with my partner?
Do our personalities seem to fit together well? Do we have similar emotional styles, energy levels, humor, and education?
Does my partner exhibit a pattern of emotional stability, reliability and responsibility, and handle changes well?
Marriage is a life-changing decision. And it should be that—a decision, not something you slide into. It’s a decision to move toward a shared life with your partner and a willingness to support one another’s needs and desires. The more you have identified and worked through as a couple before marriage, the better your chances of having a life-long, satisfying relationship. A great way to explore your relationship and readiness is to take a premarital education class. Taking a premarital class together is a good idea because it can reduce your chances of divorce by almost a third.
The marriages that survive over a lifetime often follow a certain path and contain common elements. But in our culture today, we lack what earlier generations took for granted: an optimal sequence for healthy relationships - romance, then marriage, and then children. The great news if you’re planning to marry is this. Research shows that people who marry tend to live longer, enjoy higher incomes, have greater personal satisfaction, enjoy better health, and are generally happier than those who are single or living together.
There is some real wisdom behind that childhood rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage.” But how do you know if you are ready? Marriage is a major life decision and with a national divorce rate hovering around 50%, many people are fearful about this choice. Although no one can tell you if you’re ready to get married, there are three important things to think about that can help you make this decision.
Understand what marriage is really about
The keys to a successful marriage aren’t a mystery. Successful marriages are full of love, trust, mutual respect, honesty, and tremendous commitment and dedication to a “we” way of thinking. Successful marriages are not only about how well you, as a couple, handle the hard stuff that will inevitably come your way on a daily basis (finances, chores, communication, in-laws, sexuality, parenting, etc.), but about how well you protect the good stuff too (fun, affection, friendship, etc.) You and your partner were attracted to one another and developed a romantic relationship. Romance is like the starter fluid - it can get a fire burning, but a fire, just like a marriage, needs more than that to grow and sustain itself. To allow your relationship to grow you need to understand each other on an emotional level. Make sure that you and your partner have discussed and come to some agreement about the following issues that are keys to success in marriage:
Are we going to have children? If so, how many and who will take care of them?
Do we agree on how our money will be spent and saved? Do we have mutual financial goals as a couple? Are our individual financial obligations in order?
Do we agree on how will we divide household chores?
Do we have a shared view of how spirituality will play a role in our relationship and in the upbringing of our children?
Are we comfortable discussing our sexual expectations, needs, and fears?
Do we like and respect each other’s friends and family? Is either of us concerned that these relationships will interfere with our marriage?
Can we communicate well with each other (both through speaking and listening) well?
Have we been able to successfully resolve most problems that have come our way while we have been dating? Can we talk without fighting most of the time and are we willing to make up after an argument?
Do we agree on how to spend quality time together having fun and maintaining our friendship? Have we planned how we will make this a priority?
Examine your motivation to marry
If you are getting married to be free from your parents’ control, to cure loneliness, to be happy, to have sex, because you feel social pressure, or for money or security, then you may not be getting married for the right reasons. Marriage isn’t a way to live happily ever after or a way for another person to make you feel complete. If you know what you want out of life, you’re happy and successful on your own, and you’re ready to share your future with another, then you’re probably getting married for healthy reasons. Research also shows that if you prepare for marriage by discussing your expectations and vision for the future, you have a better chance of being successful. Discuss with each other why you want to marry, what you hope to achieve as a married couple and what you’ve experienced by watching friends or family’s marriages (or divorces).
Marriage is not for everyone. Talking with friends, family, a faith leader, counselor or marriage educator may help you examine your motivation for marriage. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your goals and expectations. Attend a premarital education workshop to help you explore your feelings and develop skills for communicating your expectations. About 10 percent of couples who do this determine marriage isn’t right for them, and that is O.K.
Know your partner well
Truly knowing your partner takes time, shared experiences, and lots of talking. Marriage is very hard to do well, so take the time to make sure your partner is the one you want to invest in for a future. Here are some important things to think about in order to know your partner well:
Does my partner share similar life goals and expectations for marriage?
Does my partner share similar values and morals for behavior?
Do I feel comfortable with my partner’s mental and physical health history?
Do I feel respected, appreciated, and supported by my partner when we interact?
Do I feel confident about my partner’s commitment to a life-long future together?
Can I accept my partner for who he/she is today without any hidden agenda to try to change him/her?
Since the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, is there anything about my partner’s past behavior that concerns me? If so, have I been able to talk about these concerns?
When I marry my partner, I am also marrying into his/her family. Since people often repeat patterns that were practiced in families, have I discussed these patterns with my partner?
Do our personalities seem to fit together well? Do we have similar emotional styles, energy levels, humor, and education?
Does my partner exhibit a pattern of emotional stability, reliability and responsibility, and handle changes well?
Marriage is a life-changing decision. And it should be that—a decision, not something you slide into. It’s a decision to move toward a shared life with your partner and a willingness to support one another’s needs and desires. The more you have identified and worked through as a couple before marriage, the better your chances of having a life-long, satisfying relationship. A great way to explore your relationship and readiness is to take a premarital education class. Taking a premarital class together is a good idea because it can reduce your chances of divorce by almost a third.
The marriages that survive over a lifetime often follow a certain path and contain common elements. But in our culture today, we lack what earlier generations took for granted: an optimal sequence for healthy relationships - romance, then marriage, and then children. The great news if you’re planning to marry is this. Research shows that people who marry tend to live longer, enjoy higher incomes, have greater personal satisfaction, enjoy better health, and are generally happier than those who are single or living together.
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