The Chore War: Battling Over Who Does What Around the House

Source:www.twoofus.org

Sharing household chores now ranks third on the list of elements tied to successful marriages—ahead of income, common interests and shared religious beliefs, according to a recent study by the Pew Research Center. Only faithfulness and sexual satisfaction ranked higher. Yet many couples still struggle to reach an equitable division of chores.

Fathers have quadrupled their share of household chores since 1965, but men still lag behind women in housework and child care. Men typically do about 9.6 hours of housework each week; women typically do about 18.1 hours. When it comes to child care, men average about 7 hours a week while women put in about 14 hours.

Women now make up nearly half of the U.S. labor force, meaning there are fewer traditional housewives to do the majority of the housework. With women doing nearly double the amount of both housework and child care, many women—especially working women—are left feeling resentful. But for men making a sincere effort to share in the household chores, such criticism can be bewildering … and demoralizing. After all, they do as many or more chores than their own fathers ever did. And for a man who works full-time and whose partner doesn’t, the request to do more housework can seem unfair.

Men and women equally agree that sharing chores is important to the health of marriage. Yet couples rarely achieve a totally harmonious distribution of housework. So how do you end the “chore war” and establish terms that you can both live with?

Establish areas of responsibility … then be willing to bend
You may find it helpful to define certain tasks as one person’s responsibility. But don’t be slavish in the enforcement of these rules. You won’t likely cover every household task that needs to be done, especially irregular or seasonal tasks. And you should always be willing to pitch in—regardless of who has been assigned what task—if you know your partner is exhausted.

Don’t wait to be asked
You may be naturally oblivious to those dust-bunnies on the floor. But after you’ve been with your partner a while, you should be able to see the world through his or her eyes. Which specific chores, left undone, are likely to drive your partner up the wall? If you see something that needs to be done, show consideration for your partner by doing it without being asked.

Consider your partner’s workload
Does your partner put in more hours than you in a conventional job? Consider the physical and emotional toll their job can take on them before demanding more housework. Likewise, if you partner is the primary child care provider, don’t assume that duty is a walk in the park either—even the best children can be exhausting. Try to objectively weigh each partner’s respective workload—both inside and outside of the home—then allot housework accordingly.

Trade chores once in a while
It is easy to criticize your husband for not mowing the yard often enough. But after you’ve lugged out the lawnmower a few times, you may feel a little more sympathy. Likewise, cooking dinner every night may seem like a no-brainer … to someone who never has to do it. Swapping chores once in a while can help you appreciate the hard work your partner puts in on a regular basis.

Be considerate
If you have any spare energy whatsoever, take on a few extra chores. Need to veg out and watch TV after work? Fine … but consider using the commercial breaks to help tidy up the living room. Have the children been terrorizing your wife all day long? Take them off her hands for a while so she can unwind.

Be willing to lay aside traditional gender roles
The division of labor in the household often still falls within traditional spheres of “masculine” and “feminine” chores. However, many of these distinctions have blurred in recent decades and you might find it liberating to let go of these old conventions. Women often balk at stereotypes—few women would appreciate being “expected” to cook, clean and sew all the time—but sometimes have a hard time letting go of the equivalent expectations of men. Beware of double standards. For example, your husband may love to cook, but hate to do yard work. Enjoy your husband’s yummy food … then use the money you might otherwise have spent eating out to pay for professional lawn care service.

Whenever possible, do chores together
Chores go twice as fast when you do them together. Find a way to infuse some “play” into your work—chat while you work, turn on some fun music or make a game of an otherwise tedious task.

Into every relationship, a little drudgery must fall. You can squabble over who does more housework and who should be doing more. Or, you embrace the fact that housework is an unavoidable part of life and that there will never be a perfectly equitable solution. Rather than fixating on “winning” the chore war, choose to honor your partner by carrying your share of the load and by communicating fairly when you feel your partner is not doing the same.