Demolish the Fantasy. Build the Dream.

Source: www.twoofus.org

Chances are, you’ve already defined a list of “must-haves” in a mate, or at least a list of “must-not-haves.” Having some concept of what you are looking for in a partner is a good thing—it allows you to focus on relationships with the greatest potential. But what if your wish-list is not realistic, or worse, is made up of attributes that are incompatible with your ultimate relationship goals?

Whether consciously or unconsciously, most of us have a “fantasy” version of what we think our mate should be: how they should look and how they should act. Too often, this fantasy is compromised of superficialities, and not just physical ones. We can also make superficial judgments about a prospective partner’s clothes, career, and other variables that are not necessarily predictors of true happiness. But fixating on a fantasy mate can keep us from achieving the dream of true and lasting love.

The Classic Female Fantasy
So what do women want? Oh, just a few things. He should be…

Financially secure. Sparkling conversationalist. Excellent listener. Good provider. Mysterious, but emotionally available. Funny, but not obnoxious. Manly, even a little dangerous … but always considerate of your feelings. And don’t forget, tall, dark and handsome.

The Classic Male Fantasy
Men have their own criteria—and it is not just a list of measurements. She should be…

Sexy. Stunning. Confident without being overly aggressive or pushy. Nurturing but not smothering. Always up for sex, but only with you, of course. Independent, but into your same activities. Tightly-toned, but curvaceous. Someone who won’t restrict your freedom, but who will always be there when you need her.

Your ideal man or woman may not fall exactly within these lines. Most likely, though, you have sketched an outline of your ideal mate in your mind. But even if you stumble across the rare specimen who embodies all 29 or so of your preferred traits, your partner is likely to deviate at some point from this ideal. None of us can ever perfectly embody a even single ideal, much less a full roster of them.

Most of us are aware that our relationship expectations are not entirely realistic; so why does the human race keep falling prey to mass delusion?

Our relationship ideals have been in the process of being sculpted since our earliest days. Our parents, our first loves, our peers, and our biological impulses all influence who we find attractive.

You don’t have to rip up your mental checklist—there may be some elements on it worth keeping. But take a look at your “list” with fresh eyes and see if it needs a little rewriting. Some questions to ask yourself:

How might my upbringing influence my attractions?
We aren’t talking strict Freudian theory here—not everyone really wants to marry a version of their mom or dad. But your attractions are likely influenced to some degree by specific childhood wishes, longings or traumas. Pay particular attention to anything you felt you didn’t get enough of as a child—attention, affection, affirmation, quality time, etc.—and consider how this may impact your dating decisions.

Do opposites attract … or repulse you?
Are you drawn to people who are like you—or to your polar opposite? Many couples are able to make differences work to their advantage. Couples who are similar in temperament and core values, however, may have an easier path. If you are consistently drawn to people drastically different than yourself, consider if you might be trying to fill some perceived deficiency?

Girls: Are you are sucker for “bad boys”?
If you find you are only drawn to “bad boys,” ask yourself why. Weigh the pull of charisma against the range of bad behaviors that typically accompany such men. Not sure you can be attracted to a nice guy? Opt for a good guy instead … a man who can hold his own but who upholds the values that are most important to you in a mate.

Guys: Are you looking at the whole package?
Physical attraction is important—no argument here. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that the most beautiful woman in the room is always the best girl in the room. In the end, she may not even be the sexiest. Personality, chemistry, character and confidence may not get your attention as quickly as sheer beauty—but these traits are likely to hold your attention for longer.

Both fantasies and dreams are rooted in the imagination, so making distinctions between them may seem like splitting hairs. But while a fantasy is always just out of reach, a dream is something we can build together with our mates.

“Dream relationships” don’t happen overnight. Real dreams are best built in the full light of day, with a clear knowledge of what is—and isn’t—essential to achieving a real, if imperfect, vision of happiness.