Engaging in Emotional Intimacy – Before and After You Walk Down the Aisle

(copied from www.twoofus.org)

In the months leading up to your special day, you’re probably spending much of the time talking about your wedding, your home and your new life together.

While all of those topics are important, researchers say it is even more important that you have conversations that help you know each other better and stay in touch with each other. In other words, you need to focus on your marriage, not just the wedding.

Research repeatedly has shown that a strong emotional connection is critical to a successful relationship.

“The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage,” said Dr. Paul Pearsall, author of Super Marital Sex. “Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of martial sacrifice, because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes. If it is true that we reap what we sow, then marriages are in big trouble…If we put as much time in our working as we allow for our loving, we would end up unemployed or bankrupt.”

To create and maintain emotional intimacy, couples should discuss several key topics both before and after they walk down the aisle.
• Expectations for marriage and each other — Identify roles and responsibilities. How will conflicts be handled? What are your marriage goals? Be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong. Be proactive; solve problems immediately and don’t let misunderstandings grow into larger conflicts.
• Goals for marriage — Unrealistic and unmet expectations often lead to resentment in relationships. Be committed! Commitment is a choice. Couples who believe divorce is not an option are less likely to take steps to end the relationship.
• Money matters — Are you and your spouse savers or spenders? Save yourselves a lot of future headaches by discussing your spending habits and plans. Avoid wedding debt by working out a budget before the wedding.
• Why you’re getting married — Is it for commitment, love, loneliness, escape or impatience? Take stock of your personal priorities to assure that your relationship with your spouse gets the attention it deserves.
• Children and discipline — How many? How soon? What are the costs involved? How will the children affect both your lives? Will both parents work or will one stay home? How will you work to keep your marriage healthy after you have children? How will you handle discipline?
• How time commitments (work/career, family/friends, social activities) affect your marriage — Make "Date Night" a priority. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just time scheduled for you and your mate to be together.
Finding time to strengthen your relationship can become much more difficult after you’re married and when life’s pressures set in. Despite the challenges, it is important that you make regular time for each other.

Couples must create and defend their time together. Whether that time is found on vacation, a date night or just talking together, it is important to stay emotionally connected with each other.