Should You Take Your Fiance's Last Name?

Source:www.twoofus.org

The vast majority of women marrying today—approximately 90 percent—take their husband’s last name. While most women eventually adopt their husband’s name, the decision to do so is complicated, even painful, for many women. The decision is also loaded with political, professional and social nuances.

Our last name is part of our identity—it is tied to our family, our cultural heritage and our past. How does a modern girl reconcile her desire to retain her identity while embracing her new life as a married woman? Fortunately, brides today have lots of options:

The Traditional Route: The woman takes her husband’s last name

Pros: Your relationship to your husband is clear to the whole world, so there’s no confusion. And because it is still the cultural norm in the United States, you will rarely have to “defend” or explain your decision to others.

In a culture where marriages are often seen as “disposable,” taking your spouse’s last name can symbolize commitment to your fiance. While merely taking your husband’s name won’t prevent divorce, it at least communicates your intention to make your marriage last.

Cons: Let’s face it: some names are simply more appealing than others. If your maiden name is “Walker,” changing it to “Gass” may seem like a bum deal. Or, your first name simply may not mix well with his last name. The name “Sky” is lovely—but tack it to a last name like “Miles” and it sounds a little awkward.

Other women may struggle with the emotional, cultural, social, or political implications of changing their last name.

Hyphenation—The woman combines her maiden and married names with a hyphen

Pros: Hyphenation is a common compromise—you get to keep your last name … and add his. Everyone’s happy, right?

Cons: These names can sometimes be a mouthful, especially if either name is long or difficult to pronounce. And to some people, hyphenated names sound a little snooty.

Doubling Up—The woman adopts her husband’s last name and uses her maiden name as a type of middle name (no hyphen)

Pros: You avoid the potentially-awkward hyphen while achieving a similar effect.

Cons: If you are a stickler for being called your full name at all times, you may end up disappointed. Without the hyphen, people may call you simply by your husband’s last name. Or they may misinterpret your maiden name as your actual middle name. And using all four of your names (first, middle, maiden, and married) at all times can be clunky.

Professional Duality—The woman keeps her maiden name in her professional life and uses her husband’s name in her personal/social life

Pros: This is fairly common practice among celebrities. For example, there is Demi Moore, the famous actress. Then there is Mrs. Kutcher (or @mrskutcher) the wife of Twitter-addict Ashton Kutcher. Even if you aren’t a movie star, keeping your maiden name professionally might make sense. Anyone whose career or professional reputation is closely tied to her name—journalists, lawyers, artists, realtors, etc.—has a certain amount of “brand equity” built into her name. By keeping your maiden name professionally, you can leverage this advantage—while still getting to be Mrs. ____ in your social circles.

Cons: If your private and professional worlds overlap at all, people may get confused and call by you the wrong name.

No Change—You keep your last name, he keeps his

Pros: It’s easy—no paperwork, no mess.

Cons: There is little sense of “togetherness” in the arrangement. And if you plan on having children, what name will they go by?

Committed Relationship: Top 10 Challenges Couples Face in Forming & Sustaining Healthy Relationships & Marriages

Source:www.twoofus.org

1. Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what “healthy” looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship.

2. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship.

3. Lack of Communication Skills: “Learning how to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings (even when different from one another), how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don’t know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don’t even want to try is the challenge.” ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY

4. Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to “unlearn” old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions.

5. Media Influence on Participants' Perception of Healthy Relationships -- what healthy relationships look like and how to achieve them.

6. Addictive Behaviors

7. Lack of Introspection or Willingness to Look at Individual Issues that Need to Change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure and do not identify a target for personal behavior change.

8. Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc.

9. Finances: Poor credit; lack of money management knowledge; using money as a power differential; debt; child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships; fear of committing to relationship without having everything “together” financially; or no clear plan for getting things “together” financially.

10. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. “Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.

Update on our goings on

We are in Enterprise High School this week. The students are interacting very well and we're having a great time! They are participating in the discussions and activities which makes it more fun for everyone involved. They seem to be learning a lot and I look forward to the rest of the week with them!

Busy busy busy

It's been a busy week and I haven't had time to blog on here like I wanted to. I'm about to go to a school to watch one of our workshops first hand. I'll get on here tomorrow and touch on a new subject. I'll be teaching my first workshop in two weeks and I'm very excited about that. I hope everyone's week is going well. Look for a new post tomorrow!

Hello all

Hope everyone's weekend was a relaxing, rejuvenating one. Looking to add some more discussions on here. Didn't want to move too fast so that everyone had a chance to read what we've got and comment if they'd like. Think we'll add something new either later today or tomorrow. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and wish them a great week!

The weekend is here!

Have a great weekend and be safe! We'll be back here bright and early Monday morning. Take care!

Want some feedback

We at Just the Facts are looking for feedback from our fans and friends. Let us know what you think of our blog site, our website, and just all around what you think about us. We'd LOVE to hear from you! Check us out on facebook and twitter as well. Have a great week!

Speak and Listen

My husband and I both work full time. We trade off responsibilities with the little one. For instance, tonight is cub scouts. Hubbie will pick up son and take him to cub scouts while I go home, take care of the dog, and cook dinner. Last night I picked up the little one, and went to the grocery store while hubbie went home and cooked dinner. Marriages are all about work, but mostly they're about working together. It's important for hubbie and I to communicate our needs, wants, (and even schedules) to each other so that we find it easier to stay on the same page. Things run more smoothly this way. When one of us tries to do everything his/herself, he/she becomes resentful and overwhelmed. I cannot stress enough how important it is to talk to each other. Neither one of us can read minds--no one can. So when one tries to guess what the other one wants and fails, it's both partners' faults for not communicating properly. Open up. Share. Communicate (that is speak AND LISTEN). You might be surprised at the change this makes. Simple but true.

Midweek

Midweek is probably tough because it's so close to the weekend, yet so far. Families look forward to the weekend so that they may spend time together. As a representative of Just the Facts, I will give you a personal example: My husband and I use our time on the weekend to catch up with each other. The week is full of work goals, but the weekend is our time to reconnect. Perhaps we should set relationship goals as well. Maybe this would bring us even closer together. Thoughts on this from anyone out there? We'd love to hear from you!