Source: www.twoofus.org
Marriage typically involves sharing one’s home, money and belongings. But should marriage also include sharing our online selves? That is to say, as a married person, is your online activity strictly private? Or should your spouse have a clear window into your online world?
A recent survey suggests many people think significant others should have this privilege. Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research found that 49% of women surveyed (and 42% of men) think it is fine to keep tabs on a partner by having access to that person’s Facebook account.
Many couples voluntarily share their passwords with each other. Some couples even have joint accounts. But others monitor their spouse’s online interactions without his/her knowledge or permission. This raises a number of questions about privacy, trust and what it means to be married.
Are You Hacking Your Marriage?
Trust
Few people are 100 percent convinced their partner has been—and always will be—faithful. Because of this uncertainty, it can be tempting to keep tabs on your spouse’s online activities. But doing so can backfire. In a healthy marriage, you should feel a reasonable confidence that your partner is not engaged in an affair. If you don’t, it may be because you have been burned in the past … or your partner is giving you good reason to be suspicious.
Transparency
In a healthy relationship, a natural transparency is present. This doesn’t mean you necessarily share every digital detail with each other. It does mean you should have nothing to fear, should your spouse suddenly be granted universal access to your accounts. If your interactions with others could be reasonably “misinterpreted” as flirtatious or inappropriate, they probably are. A good rule of thumb is to never post or email anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to see.
Truth or Consequence
Many affairs have been discovered via a digital trail—Facebook is quickly becoming a favorite tool of divorce lawyers. No one wants to play the fool … or get played. But if you spy on your partner online, there may be consequences. You could get caught and if you do, your partner is likely to be angry, resentful or defensive. A better approach would be to sit down with your partner and discuss what online transparency might look like. Discuss what information you are (or aren’t) comfortable sharing and how best to navigate the tension between privacy and openness.
Respect Boundaries
Many people balk at anyone—even their spouse—nosing through their online exchanges. It can feel like a violation of privacy, like someone is reading your digital diary. And in some circumstances, there may be legitimate reasons for privacy to be maintained. However, once you and your spouse have decided what information will (or won’t) be shared, honor that agreement. If you are concerned or suspicious about your spouse’s behavior, try talking it out with him or her rather than cyber-stalking.
For many, simply knowing their partner is willing to share his/her online information is enough to calm their fears. Others may need more concrete assurances of online fidelity. Either way, be sure you live by the same standards of online conduct you expect from your spouse. Marriage effectively melds two separate lives, but exactly how far that merger goes is for each couple to determine.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Distracted Partner: Competing with Technology for His/Her Attention
Source: www.twoofus.org
Unless you live in a hand-hewn cabin in the woods, you probably experience a daily, overwhelming lust for technology.
Your fingers flit over the face of your iPhone. Twitter vies for your attention, constantly throwing out new lines. You nuzzle into the familiar embrace of television … only to find your eyes wandering over to the gaming station. And Facebook relentlessly pursues with its promise of virtual voyeurism.
We are tantalized by technology. What’s worse, so are our partners. But when our significant other falls for this same seduction, we often fail to see the charm. Digital advances mean we must compete with an increasing number of technological suitors for our partner’s attention.
How do you get your partner to disconnect from his/her gadgets long enough to connect with you?
Know Your Rivals
Television
We spend about 2.8 hours a day watching TV, roughly half of our leisure time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Many women claim to be “sports widows” for the duration of football, basketball and/or baseball season. And women can just as easily get lost in the tangles of television: dramas, sitcoms, talk shows, soap operas and reality shows.
Gaming
Gaming consumes 10% of our time spent online, according to a survey by Nielsen. Men seem especially vulnerable to this siren song. A study led by Fumiko Hoeft of the Stanford University School of Medicine reveals the portions of the brain associated with reward and addiction are more active in men when playing a simple video game.
Social Media
Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter account for nearly 23 percent of our time spent online, according to Nielsen. Social media combines communication and gadgetry, appealing to both women and men. But women are the most avid users of social media. According to Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research, among women age 18-34:
39% refer to themselves as Facebook “addicts”
34% get on Facebook first thing in the morning (before going to the bathroom or brushing their teeth)
21% check Facebook in the middle of the night
Internet/Email
Some people enjoy being connected electronically as much as they do physically. The effect is similar to playing a slot machine, according to David Greenfield, psychologist and founder of the Center of Internet Behavior. A response such as winning money reinforces and validates your original behavior. You may not win every time, but odds are you’ll eventually get something good. The same goes for checking your email 20 times a day or visiting countless websites. We get a shot of dopamine (a pleasure chemical) too, prompting us to crave more, more.
Cell or Smart Phones
A phone can be the biggest little barrier in your relationship. It’s always there … on dates, on the treadmill, by your bed. The phone is often the most unshakeable form of technology. After all, that incoming text or call could be important. Then again, so is your relationship.
Multitasking
It is especially difficult to witness your partner “cheating” on you with multiple technologies at once. The amount of time spent watching TV while simultaneously surfing the Internet grew 34.5% in 2009. When you indulge in multiple forms of technology at once, the opportunities to connect with your partner are even more remote.
Simply knowing what you are up against isn’t enough … you need to establish peaceful terms with the role of technology in your relationship. Here’s how to break through the digital noise and reconnect with your partner:
Conquer the Digital Divide
Self assess
Before you complain about your partner’s tech fetish, examine your own. Do you spend more time checking your phone or email than speaking with your partner? Do you sulk when your partner asks you to unplug? Are you really upset that your partner is on the laptop again … or just that he/she is monopolizing it?
Set boundaries
You don’t have to retreat to the woods—just shelf your tech toys once and a while. Take a 1-3 day fast from all but essential electronic communications. Encourage your significant other to do the same. Debrief afterward—did you feel panicky, peaceful or a combination of both? As a couple, decide on reasonable boundaries for the use of technology. Are you comfortable putting your phones away, at least on dates and in bed? Can you find a regular time to enjoy a tech-free ritual together (having coffee, taking a walk, enjoying a sit-down meal, etc.).
Use technology to bond
Don’t rely on any form of technology as the primary way to connect with your partner. Still, if you can’t beat them, join them. Text sweet nothings into your partner’s digital ear. Pick up that second controller and play a game or two. Take advantage of technology’s ability to bring people together, not just push them apart.
We all need an escape sometimes … and technology serves legitimate practical and social needs. However, technology cannot—and should not—replace meaningful, focused and face-to-face interactions with your partner.
Unless you live in a hand-hewn cabin in the woods, you probably experience a daily, overwhelming lust for technology.
Your fingers flit over the face of your iPhone. Twitter vies for your attention, constantly throwing out new lines. You nuzzle into the familiar embrace of television … only to find your eyes wandering over to the gaming station. And Facebook relentlessly pursues with its promise of virtual voyeurism.
We are tantalized by technology. What’s worse, so are our partners. But when our significant other falls for this same seduction, we often fail to see the charm. Digital advances mean we must compete with an increasing number of technological suitors for our partner’s attention.
How do you get your partner to disconnect from his/her gadgets long enough to connect with you?
Know Your Rivals
Television
We spend about 2.8 hours a day watching TV, roughly half of our leisure time, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Many women claim to be “sports widows” for the duration of football, basketball and/or baseball season. And women can just as easily get lost in the tangles of television: dramas, sitcoms, talk shows, soap operas and reality shows.
Gaming
Gaming consumes 10% of our time spent online, according to a survey by Nielsen. Men seem especially vulnerable to this siren song. A study led by Fumiko Hoeft of the Stanford University School of Medicine reveals the portions of the brain associated with reward and addiction are more active in men when playing a simple video game.
Social Media
Social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter account for nearly 23 percent of our time spent online, according to Nielsen. Social media combines communication and gadgetry, appealing to both women and men. But women are the most avid users of social media. According to Oxygen Media and Lightspeed Research, among women age 18-34:
39% refer to themselves as Facebook “addicts”
34% get on Facebook first thing in the morning (before going to the bathroom or brushing their teeth)
21% check Facebook in the middle of the night
Internet/Email
Some people enjoy being connected electronically as much as they do physically. The effect is similar to playing a slot machine, according to David Greenfield, psychologist and founder of the Center of Internet Behavior. A response such as winning money reinforces and validates your original behavior. You may not win every time, but odds are you’ll eventually get something good. The same goes for checking your email 20 times a day or visiting countless websites. We get a shot of dopamine (a pleasure chemical) too, prompting us to crave more, more.
Cell or Smart Phones
A phone can be the biggest little barrier in your relationship. It’s always there … on dates, on the treadmill, by your bed. The phone is often the most unshakeable form of technology. After all, that incoming text or call could be important. Then again, so is your relationship.
Multitasking
It is especially difficult to witness your partner “cheating” on you with multiple technologies at once. The amount of time spent watching TV while simultaneously surfing the Internet grew 34.5% in 2009. When you indulge in multiple forms of technology at once, the opportunities to connect with your partner are even more remote.
Simply knowing what you are up against isn’t enough … you need to establish peaceful terms with the role of technology in your relationship. Here’s how to break through the digital noise and reconnect with your partner:
Conquer the Digital Divide
Self assess
Before you complain about your partner’s tech fetish, examine your own. Do you spend more time checking your phone or email than speaking with your partner? Do you sulk when your partner asks you to unplug? Are you really upset that your partner is on the laptop again … or just that he/she is monopolizing it?
Set boundaries
You don’t have to retreat to the woods—just shelf your tech toys once and a while. Take a 1-3 day fast from all but essential electronic communications. Encourage your significant other to do the same. Debrief afterward—did you feel panicky, peaceful or a combination of both? As a couple, decide on reasonable boundaries for the use of technology. Are you comfortable putting your phones away, at least on dates and in bed? Can you find a regular time to enjoy a tech-free ritual together (having coffee, taking a walk, enjoying a sit-down meal, etc.).
Use technology to bond
Don’t rely on any form of technology as the primary way to connect with your partner. Still, if you can’t beat them, join them. Text sweet nothings into your partner’s digital ear. Pick up that second controller and play a game or two. Take advantage of technology’s ability to bring people together, not just push them apart.
We all need an escape sometimes … and technology serves legitimate practical and social needs. However, technology cannot—and should not—replace meaningful, focused and face-to-face interactions with your partner.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Keeping a Marriage Safe from Infidelity
Source: www.twoofus.org
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of the book Not Just Friends, most people do not go looking for an affair. “It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely together, you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable – like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is when a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
Twenty five percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to family researchers, the primary issue is one of intimacy and secrecy. For example, if you have coffee every morning with a woman who is not your wife and your wife doesn’t know about it, you are violating your obligation of intimacy by keeping a secret from her.
Research also finds that only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue another relationship actually end up with that person long-term. In fact, most people who engaged in an affair say they wish it had never happened and that they had invested more time and energy in saving their marriage.
So, what are some good steps to protect your marriage?
Establish clear boundaries. Set boundaries that will keep any relationship established outside of your marriage innocent (such as relationships with people at work, at the gym, at church, etc). If you find yourself hoping to meet someone in secret, you know the emotions have gone too far.
Stay connected to your partner by communicating. Talk to your spouse about everything going on in your life including relationships with other men or women. This level of communication will help you keep and set limits with others.
Keep the romance alive at home. Continue doing little things for your husband or wife that lets him/her know that you are thinking about them. Call during the day just to talk for a few minutes; make time for a weekly date night. Keeping the romance alive at home will help prevent you from seeking out romance with someone else.
Never let someone know that you are attracted to them. Sharing these types of feelings only opens the door for others to share their feelings as well. It is when attraction is mutual that problems can arise.
Stay away from environments where infidelity can flourish. Quiet lunches, drinks after work…these are situations that should be avoided.
Additional advice from the experts:
"Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him (or her) that you appreciate what he does. We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing. And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
- M. Gary Neuman, counselor/author, The Truth About Cheating
"First, your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together. Don’t stop being friends just because you’re each other’s spouse. And secondly, your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner’s needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don’t let resentment build."
- Dr. Phil McGraw, television host/author
Keep your sex life active. Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and ‘on empty.’ In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
- Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. counselor/author, Keep Your Marriage: What to do when your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore.”
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of the book Not Just Friends, most people do not go looking for an affair. “It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely together, you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable – like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is when a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
Twenty five percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to family researchers, the primary issue is one of intimacy and secrecy. For example, if you have coffee every morning with a woman who is not your wife and your wife doesn’t know about it, you are violating your obligation of intimacy by keeping a secret from her.
Research also finds that only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue another relationship actually end up with that person long-term. In fact, most people who engaged in an affair say they wish it had never happened and that they had invested more time and energy in saving their marriage.
So, what are some good steps to protect your marriage?
Establish clear boundaries. Set boundaries that will keep any relationship established outside of your marriage innocent (such as relationships with people at work, at the gym, at church, etc). If you find yourself hoping to meet someone in secret, you know the emotions have gone too far.
Stay connected to your partner by communicating. Talk to your spouse about everything going on in your life including relationships with other men or women. This level of communication will help you keep and set limits with others.
Keep the romance alive at home. Continue doing little things for your husband or wife that lets him/her know that you are thinking about them. Call during the day just to talk for a few minutes; make time for a weekly date night. Keeping the romance alive at home will help prevent you from seeking out romance with someone else.
Never let someone know that you are attracted to them. Sharing these types of feelings only opens the door for others to share their feelings as well. It is when attraction is mutual that problems can arise.
Stay away from environments where infidelity can flourish. Quiet lunches, drinks after work…these are situations that should be avoided.
Additional advice from the experts:
"Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him (or her) that you appreciate what he does. We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing. And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
- M. Gary Neuman, counselor/author, The Truth About Cheating
"First, your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they’re interested in together. Don’t stop being friends just because you’re each other’s spouse. And secondly, your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner’s needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don’t let resentment build."
- Dr. Phil McGraw, television host/author
Keep your sex life active. Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and ‘on empty.’ In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home.
- Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. counselor/author, Keep Your Marriage: What to do when your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore.”
When Does ‘Yours’ and ‘Mine’ Become ‘Ours’?
Source: www.twoofus.org
In long-term relationships, the transition from individual ownership (property, possessions or finances) to shared ownership can be stressful and confusing.
Marriage is a natural milestone typically associated with sharing assets and belongings. But for couples in long-term relationships who choose not to marry, the decision regarding if, when, and to what extent to merge resources can be difficult.
Marriage represents a social contract— formally acknowledged and with commonly-understood implications. By contrast, the nature of a long-term relationship between two unmarried partners is largely self-determined. Defining your own terms for your relationship can feel liberating … or overwhelming. As there is no clear roadmap regarding when or how to pool resources, many unmarried couples in committed relationships find themselves without a clear sense of direction.
Some considerations to think about before merging finances or possessions with your partner:
The length of relationship
If you have been with your partner for less than a year, be cautious about combining lives. Be sure you have a clear understanding of your partner’s personal and financial history and habits first.
The stability of relationship
If your relationship is volatile—with explosive fights or frequent breakups—think twice before living together or pooling resources.
The financial health of each partner
Have a candid discussion about your respective financial states. Assess your personal debt and assets and run a credit report on both parties. This will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether you are comfortable combining finances.
The trust factor
Unmarried couples generally do not have the same legal obligations as married couples—neither do they have the same legal protections. Do an honest mental assessment of your partner’s character—if your romance ever broke down, would they deal fairly and honestly with any debt or responsibilities? Or would they leave you holding the bag?
Do a cost-benefit analysis
Living together and sharing resources can reduce your individual expenses. The economies of scale that come from living together can result in financial benefits for each partner. However, if some of the considerations listed above concern you—or if you have strong gut feeling that combining resources with this person is a bad idea—the risks may outweigh the rewards.
Beyond the numbers
While living together can save you money, never move in with a partner out of economic desperation. If you have reservations about the relationship, find another solution to your financial problems—consider living with a roommate or even your parent(s). Many individuals in abusive or unhealthy relationships remain in such relationships in part because they feel trapped by economic and logistical complications tied to co-habitation.
If you think you are ready to begin merging your lives and money, ask yourself:
How extensively will you merge your finances?
If you buy a house together, will you put both of your names on the mortgage? Do you want to maintain separate bank accounts and just your split bills, roommate style? Should you put utility bills under both of your names or divvy them up another way?
How will you pay for everyday expenses?
If you live together, but choose to maintain even partially-independent finances, how will you pay for groceries, date nights, etc.? Think through any potential sore spots—your dog, his beer, her magazine subscriptions.
How will you pay for major debts and expenditures?
If you buy a big-screen TV together and break up, who will get it? If you go on expensive vacations and one only person pays, will he or she expect repayment if the relationship falls through? Who gets what jointly-purchased furniture? If you help put him through medical school, what do you expect in return, should the relationship collapse? How will you handle all debts accrued before or during your relationship?
Would you be more comfortable putting it in writing?
If your finances are complex or if you would just feel more comfortable doing so, consider a written contract detailing your respective financial obligations. Even if it is not a formal document prepared by a lawyer, putting it all in writing may help you think through the various financial repercussions of sharing assets.
While there are no strict rules for if and when unmarried couples should pool resources, observing time-honored rules of personal responsibility, fairness and common sense goes a long way in any healthy relationship.
In long-term relationships, the transition from individual ownership (property, possessions or finances) to shared ownership can be stressful and confusing.
Marriage is a natural milestone typically associated with sharing assets and belongings. But for couples in long-term relationships who choose not to marry, the decision regarding if, when, and to what extent to merge resources can be difficult.
Marriage represents a social contract— formally acknowledged and with commonly-understood implications. By contrast, the nature of a long-term relationship between two unmarried partners is largely self-determined. Defining your own terms for your relationship can feel liberating … or overwhelming. As there is no clear roadmap regarding when or how to pool resources, many unmarried couples in committed relationships find themselves without a clear sense of direction.
Some considerations to think about before merging finances or possessions with your partner:
The length of relationship
If you have been with your partner for less than a year, be cautious about combining lives. Be sure you have a clear understanding of your partner’s personal and financial history and habits first.
The stability of relationship
If your relationship is volatile—with explosive fights or frequent breakups—think twice before living together or pooling resources.
The financial health of each partner
Have a candid discussion about your respective financial states. Assess your personal debt and assets and run a credit report on both parties. This will allow you to make an informed decision regarding whether you are comfortable combining finances.
The trust factor
Unmarried couples generally do not have the same legal obligations as married couples—neither do they have the same legal protections. Do an honest mental assessment of your partner’s character—if your romance ever broke down, would they deal fairly and honestly with any debt or responsibilities? Or would they leave you holding the bag?
Do a cost-benefit analysis
Living together and sharing resources can reduce your individual expenses. The economies of scale that come from living together can result in financial benefits for each partner. However, if some of the considerations listed above concern you—or if you have strong gut feeling that combining resources with this person is a bad idea—the risks may outweigh the rewards.
Beyond the numbers
While living together can save you money, never move in with a partner out of economic desperation. If you have reservations about the relationship, find another solution to your financial problems—consider living with a roommate or even your parent(s). Many individuals in abusive or unhealthy relationships remain in such relationships in part because they feel trapped by economic and logistical complications tied to co-habitation.
If you think you are ready to begin merging your lives and money, ask yourself:
How extensively will you merge your finances?
If you buy a house together, will you put both of your names on the mortgage? Do you want to maintain separate bank accounts and just your split bills, roommate style? Should you put utility bills under both of your names or divvy them up another way?
How will you pay for everyday expenses?
If you live together, but choose to maintain even partially-independent finances, how will you pay for groceries, date nights, etc.? Think through any potential sore spots—your dog, his beer, her magazine subscriptions.
How will you pay for major debts and expenditures?
If you buy a big-screen TV together and break up, who will get it? If you go on expensive vacations and one only person pays, will he or she expect repayment if the relationship falls through? Who gets what jointly-purchased furniture? If you help put him through medical school, what do you expect in return, should the relationship collapse? How will you handle all debts accrued before or during your relationship?
Would you be more comfortable putting it in writing?
If your finances are complex or if you would just feel more comfortable doing so, consider a written contract detailing your respective financial obligations. Even if it is not a formal document prepared by a lawyer, putting it all in writing may help you think through the various financial repercussions of sharing assets.
While there are no strict rules for if and when unmarried couples should pool resources, observing time-honored rules of personal responsibility, fairness and common sense goes a long way in any healthy relationship.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Are you ready for a child?
www.twoofus.org
When weighing when (and if) to have children, a lot of variables come into play. Age, finances, relationship status, educational and career objectives, health, and ideal family size are all important considerations. These factors are often at odds with each other, making a difficult decision even more complicated.
You are often better equipped (biologically-speaking) to handle the demands of pregnancy and child care when you are young. In terms of psychological, relationship and financial readiness, however, you may be better off having a child later in life. And at any stage, you can wrestle with feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy about being a parent.
The desire to bring a child into the world is one of the most noble, natural, and generous instincts we have. Under certain circumstances, however, this same impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish. Consider these 5 bad—and 5 good—reasons to have children when assessing whether you are ready to become a parent.
5 Bad Reasons to Have a Child
You are trying to fill a void
Maybe you are in a romantic relationship, but feel disconnected from your partner. Perhaps you are single and crave a little built-in company. A baby will bring you the unconditional love you are looking for, right? Sadly, no. While the bond between a parent and child is indeed unlike any other, at some point, your child will let you down and fail to appreciate you. This doesn’t make the relationship with your child any less beautiful—but being a parent definitely isn’t a cure-all for emotional emptiness.
Your friends are doing it
Perhaps your friends are on a baby-breeding spree. They have play dates with other parents and seem to be closing ranks. Naturally, you don’t want to be left behind. But having a baby to fit in with your social circle is selfish … and is no guarantee of lasting friendship.
You are trying to “lock down” or repair a relationship
A child is not bait … or a pawn. Do not force a pregnancy (or fake one!) in an attempt to nail down a commitment or bring you and your partner closer together. No child can heal foundational flaws in a relationship—only you and your partner can do that.
You think it is cool
Those pregnant teenagers got a reality show. That hyper-fertile couple got a huge house and new appliances for their brood of kids. And that actress just adopted another child from an exotic land. Parenting is a selfless and courageous act. But any perceived glamour associated with parenting is pure illusion—an illusion that will quickly dissolve after a few months of diaper duty and sleepless nights.
You are being pressured … and you are not ready
Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child—not your partner and definitely not your parents! The decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly. If you have serious reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner—sooner rather than later. Be clear about whether you don’t think you are ready to have kids yet or if you think you may never be ready to be a parent. A little apprehension is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.
So if parenting is so demanding and the “perks” aren’t always guaranteed, why even bother? And how do you know if you are ready?
5 Good Reasons to Have a Child
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
You have love to give
The best motivation for having a child is what you can give a child, rather than what you can get from the relationship. If you see parenthood as an opportunity to pass on the good things you’ve been given (or to provide your child with the love and support you may not have received as a child), you are on the right track. Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes—it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths.
You are in a place to support your child
What children need most is unconditional love. That being said, children also need food, shelter, and clothing—all things that cost money. If you struggle to pay your bills each month, have trouble holding down a job, or have a significant amount of debt, consider postponing parenthood. According to a study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the cost of raising a child from birth to his/her 18th birthday could exceed $200,000 for middle-income families. You don’t have to be wealthy to be a good parent, but the costs associated with parenthood are sizable. Being in relatively good financial shape before having a baby will spare you and your child unnecessary stress.
You are in a functional, long-term relationship/marriage
In addition to financial stability, relational stability is an important consideration in having a baby. Statistics indicate that children thrive in stable, two-parent homes, especially those with married, biological parents. Consider the health of your marriage/relationship before having a child. If your relationship isn’t healthy now, it is likely to remain unhealthy in the future (unless you and your partner make a firm commitment to get help). If your relationship is filled with hostility, abuse or excess drama, don’t drag a child into the mess. If you are in a reasonably healthy relationship, both you and your child will benefit.
You’ve worked through your major baggage
We are all human—even the best parents will let down their children sometimes. But if you haven’t worked through significant personal issues—such as rejection, abuse, manipulation, anxiety or depression—these issues may surface in your interactions with your child. Before you pass on these wounds to your child, do your best to process through major emotional baggage.
You’re not sure you’re ready, but really want to be
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
When weighing when (and if) to have children, a lot of variables come into play. Age, finances, relationship status, educational and career objectives, health, and ideal family size are all important considerations. These factors are often at odds with each other, making a difficult decision even more complicated.
You are often better equipped (biologically-speaking) to handle the demands of pregnancy and child care when you are young. In terms of psychological, relationship and financial readiness, however, you may be better off having a child later in life. And at any stage, you can wrestle with feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy about being a parent.
The desire to bring a child into the world is one of the most noble, natural, and generous instincts we have. Under certain circumstances, however, this same impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish. Consider these 5 bad—and 5 good—reasons to have children when assessing whether you are ready to become a parent.
5 Bad Reasons to Have a Child
You are trying to fill a void
Maybe you are in a romantic relationship, but feel disconnected from your partner. Perhaps you are single and crave a little built-in company. A baby will bring you the unconditional love you are looking for, right? Sadly, no. While the bond between a parent and child is indeed unlike any other, at some point, your child will let you down and fail to appreciate you. This doesn’t make the relationship with your child any less beautiful—but being a parent definitely isn’t a cure-all for emotional emptiness.
Your friends are doing it
Perhaps your friends are on a baby-breeding spree. They have play dates with other parents and seem to be closing ranks. Naturally, you don’t want to be left behind. But having a baby to fit in with your social circle is selfish … and is no guarantee of lasting friendship.
You are trying to “lock down” or repair a relationship
A child is not bait … or a pawn. Do not force a pregnancy (or fake one!) in an attempt to nail down a commitment or bring you and your partner closer together. No child can heal foundational flaws in a relationship—only you and your partner can do that.
You think it is cool
Those pregnant teenagers got a reality show. That hyper-fertile couple got a huge house and new appliances for their brood of kids. And that actress just adopted another child from an exotic land. Parenting is a selfless and courageous act. But any perceived glamour associated with parenting is pure illusion—an illusion that will quickly dissolve after a few months of diaper duty and sleepless nights.
You are being pressured … and you are not ready
Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child—not your partner and definitely not your parents! The decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly. If you have serious reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner—sooner rather than later. Be clear about whether you don’t think you are ready to have kids yet or if you think you may never be ready to be a parent. A little apprehension is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.
So if parenting is so demanding and the “perks” aren’t always guaranteed, why even bother? And how do you know if you are ready?
5 Good Reasons to Have a Child
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
You have love to give
The best motivation for having a child is what you can give a child, rather than what you can get from the relationship. If you see parenthood as an opportunity to pass on the good things you’ve been given (or to provide your child with the love and support you may not have received as a child), you are on the right track. Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes—it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths.
You are in a place to support your child
What children need most is unconditional love. That being said, children also need food, shelter, and clothing—all things that cost money. If you struggle to pay your bills each month, have trouble holding down a job, or have a significant amount of debt, consider postponing parenthood. According to a study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the cost of raising a child from birth to his/her 18th birthday could exceed $200,000 for middle-income families. You don’t have to be wealthy to be a good parent, but the costs associated with parenthood are sizable. Being in relatively good financial shape before having a baby will spare you and your child unnecessary stress.
You are in a functional, long-term relationship/marriage
In addition to financial stability, relational stability is an important consideration in having a baby. Statistics indicate that children thrive in stable, two-parent homes, especially those with married, biological parents. Consider the health of your marriage/relationship before having a child. If your relationship isn’t healthy now, it is likely to remain unhealthy in the future (unless you and your partner make a firm commitment to get help). If your relationship is filled with hostility, abuse or excess drama, don’t drag a child into the mess. If you are in a reasonably healthy relationship, both you and your child will benefit.
You’ve worked through your major baggage
We are all human—even the best parents will let down their children sometimes. But if you haven’t worked through significant personal issues—such as rejection, abuse, manipulation, anxiety or depression—these issues may surface in your interactions with your child. Before you pass on these wounds to your child, do your best to process through major emotional baggage.
You’re not sure you’re ready, but really want to be
The thought of having a child should fill you with a little bit of fear. If it doesn’t, you probably haven’t fully comprehended what it means to be a parent. The presence of some doubt isn’t necessarily an indicator that you aren’t ready; it may even be a sign that you are ready. The fact is, there will never be a “perfect time” to have a child. If you are in a reasonably good position to be a parent—based on the considerations listed above—don’t let minor fears or feelings of inadequacy hold you back.
The Art of Compromise
Source:www.twoofus.org
He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.
- Sun Tzu
Couples are often advised to “choose their battles.” That is to say, know which issues are worth fighting for and which aren’t really important. The logic is that you should save your strength for the things that really matter.
Unfortunately, not all conflicts have clear winners. In some instances, both parties may have reasonable but contradictory claims. You can go ahead and fight it out … but neither of you will be victorious. In such situations, you and your partner must be able to compromise. Otherwise, your relationship will reach a stalemate, with neither of you being able to move forward.
Being uncompromising on ethical matters makes you a strong person. Being uncompromising in an intimate relationship, however, is sometimes less noble. The issues that cause conflict in a relationship often stem from selfishness. It is natural to be primarily concerned with your own aspirations, ambitions and interests. However, when you commit to another person, you are committing to look out for their interests as well.
Here are some common areas of conflict for couples:
Areas of Compromise
Career—Whose career takes priority? Should one of you stay home with the kids? Who should be the primary breadwinner?
Finances—Is your breadwinner making enough dough? Who manages the budget? How should the money be spent?
Sex—How often should you have sex? What sexual behaviors are expected, desired, or forbidden?
Housework—How should chores be divided? Are you doing your fair share?
Personal Ambitions—Which dreams get to be pursued? What lifelong goals need to be put on hold?
Parenting—How many kids do you want? When will you have them? How will you discipline them?
Social Life—Who gets to go out? When, where, and with whom?
Family Obligations—How much time do you spend with your family? How do you respond when they meddle in your relationship?
Striking a fair balance between your partner’s desires and your own is challenging, but not impossible.
How to Compromise
Identify what is driving you
Humans are competitive by nature. Before you pick a fight, make sure you understand what is really motivating your reaction. If you are being prompted by an important difference of opinion, so be it. But if you are disagreeing simply for the sake of disagreeing, check your impulses. Weigh the strength of your feelings against those of your partner. If you know your partner feels more strongly about the matter (and has a legitimate point), yield some ground.
Understand that compromise is not surrender
People often resist compromising because they think of it as defeat. But compromise is not surrender. Compromise is a truce. Truces are established between two parties who recognize that there is no definitive way to prove a winner, without massive carnage.
A truce does not require you to believe that your partner’s claims are actually superior to your own. You simply need to understand your partner’s worth—that he or she deserves to be spared hostile, prolonged and unproductive warfare. You can acknowledge the validity of your partner’s feelings or opinions without having to actually agree with him/her.
Define your terms
We usually have a little wiggle room in our personal objectives. Decide where you are willing to bend. Be willing to give up something in order to gain something significant.
Be careful what you bargain with
Be sure the conditions established in your bargaining are fair and relevant to the issue at hand. Otherwise, your negotiations can turn ugly. For example, sex is generally understood to be part of the marital contract. Nevertheless, some couples use sex (or the lack thereof) as leverage in conflict. But withholding sex from your partner merely to get your way is manipulative. And it is a tactic that can backfire, in a big way.
Don’t be hostile
Compromise is often best described using military terms. To successfully negotiate with your partner, however, you cannot approach him/her as your enemy. A hostile attitude only makes the situation worse.
Know what to never compromise
While relationships require flexibility, there are some things you should never compromise. You should never be forced to act against your core values, conscience, or dignity. And even in the fiercest disagreement, your physical well-being should never be in danger. These are the non-negotiables of a healthy relationship—protect them diligently.
Constantly warring with your partner weakens your emotional reserves and damages your relationship. If you see compromise as weakness, you will be unlikely to practice it. But refusing to compromise can undermine your chances of lasting love. If you view compromise as an intelligent and humane way to resolve conflict, however, you are much more likely to embrace it as a useful tool.
Sometimes it is worth “losing” a battle to win the war. In this case, the war you are fighting is not against each other, but for each other—to secure the prize of a healthy, mutually-supportive and lasting relationship.
He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.
- Sun Tzu
Couples are often advised to “choose their battles.” That is to say, know which issues are worth fighting for and which aren’t really important. The logic is that you should save your strength for the things that really matter.
Unfortunately, not all conflicts have clear winners. In some instances, both parties may have reasonable but contradictory claims. You can go ahead and fight it out … but neither of you will be victorious. In such situations, you and your partner must be able to compromise. Otherwise, your relationship will reach a stalemate, with neither of you being able to move forward.
Being uncompromising on ethical matters makes you a strong person. Being uncompromising in an intimate relationship, however, is sometimes less noble. The issues that cause conflict in a relationship often stem from selfishness. It is natural to be primarily concerned with your own aspirations, ambitions and interests. However, when you commit to another person, you are committing to look out for their interests as well.
Here are some common areas of conflict for couples:
Areas of Compromise
Career—Whose career takes priority? Should one of you stay home with the kids? Who should be the primary breadwinner?
Finances—Is your breadwinner making enough dough? Who manages the budget? How should the money be spent?
Sex—How often should you have sex? What sexual behaviors are expected, desired, or forbidden?
Housework—How should chores be divided? Are you doing your fair share?
Personal Ambitions—Which dreams get to be pursued? What lifelong goals need to be put on hold?
Parenting—How many kids do you want? When will you have them? How will you discipline them?
Social Life—Who gets to go out? When, where, and with whom?
Family Obligations—How much time do you spend with your family? How do you respond when they meddle in your relationship?
Striking a fair balance between your partner’s desires and your own is challenging, but not impossible.
How to Compromise
Identify what is driving you
Humans are competitive by nature. Before you pick a fight, make sure you understand what is really motivating your reaction. If you are being prompted by an important difference of opinion, so be it. But if you are disagreeing simply for the sake of disagreeing, check your impulses. Weigh the strength of your feelings against those of your partner. If you know your partner feels more strongly about the matter (and has a legitimate point), yield some ground.
Understand that compromise is not surrender
People often resist compromising because they think of it as defeat. But compromise is not surrender. Compromise is a truce. Truces are established between two parties who recognize that there is no definitive way to prove a winner, without massive carnage.
A truce does not require you to believe that your partner’s claims are actually superior to your own. You simply need to understand your partner’s worth—that he or she deserves to be spared hostile, prolonged and unproductive warfare. You can acknowledge the validity of your partner’s feelings or opinions without having to actually agree with him/her.
Define your terms
We usually have a little wiggle room in our personal objectives. Decide where you are willing to bend. Be willing to give up something in order to gain something significant.
Be careful what you bargain with
Be sure the conditions established in your bargaining are fair and relevant to the issue at hand. Otherwise, your negotiations can turn ugly. For example, sex is generally understood to be part of the marital contract. Nevertheless, some couples use sex (or the lack thereof) as leverage in conflict. But withholding sex from your partner merely to get your way is manipulative. And it is a tactic that can backfire, in a big way.
Don’t be hostile
Compromise is often best described using military terms. To successfully negotiate with your partner, however, you cannot approach him/her as your enemy. A hostile attitude only makes the situation worse.
Know what to never compromise
While relationships require flexibility, there are some things you should never compromise. You should never be forced to act against your core values, conscience, or dignity. And even in the fiercest disagreement, your physical well-being should never be in danger. These are the non-negotiables of a healthy relationship—protect them diligently.
Constantly warring with your partner weakens your emotional reserves and damages your relationship. If you see compromise as weakness, you will be unlikely to practice it. But refusing to compromise can undermine your chances of lasting love. If you view compromise as an intelligent and humane way to resolve conflict, however, you are much more likely to embrace it as a useful tool.
Sometimes it is worth “losing” a battle to win the war. In this case, the war you are fighting is not against each other, but for each other—to secure the prize of a healthy, mutually-supportive and lasting relationship.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Is Divorce "Contagious"?
Source:www.twoofus.org
Divorce can be contagious in social networks, according to a study by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, Harvard University, and Brown University.
The effect is based on the theory of social contagion—the spread of emotion or behavior through a group. The impact of a couple’s divorce can also extend beyond their immediate social circle, influencing people with two degrees of separation or more.
Are you at risk of “infection”?
Was your mother right after all? Are some friends really a “bad influence”? Whether or not you consider divorce to be bad, the study suggests our peers’ behavior may very well impact our own, at least when it comes to divorce.
People with a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, according to the study. Even our siblings seem to exert influence over our marriages—people with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more like to get divorced.
The workplace can also be a breeding ground for divorce: A divorced co-worker can increase the probability of another employee divorcing by 55 percent.
Children seemed to offer some level of protection—couples with kids were less susceptible to “contagious” divorce.
According to the study, other people may act as “carriers” of the divorce bug. These individuals may not be personally vulnerable to divorce. However, by relaying details of a friend’s divorce to another person, he or she may unintentionally encourage that person to divorce.
Divorce is not an actual virus; you are not powerless against it. However, divorce in your social circles can weaken your marriage’s immune system, if you let it. But why?
What makes divorce “contagious”?
When a friend vents about problems in his/her marriage, you may become increasingly critical of your own relationship. Your friend may express feelings of release or freedom in the wake of the divorce, prompting you to crave the same. While divorce is already commonplace in our society, having someone in your circle of friends “pave the way” can make divorce seem more appealing.
Have you recently been “exposed” to divorce? Has the encounter left you feeling vulnerable in your own marriage? If so—and if you want to preserve your marriage—read on for tips on fighting off divorce.
Building immunity in your marriage
Don’t avoid your divorced friends for fear of “catching” divorce. However, if you like being married—and would like to stay that way—consider the following:
• Be mindful of how your peers’ actions and attitudes can affect your own. Don’t ignore legitimate issues in your relationship, but don’t inflate them either. Keep a level-headed perspective on your marital problems. When problems arise, deal promptly (and fairly) with the specific issues involved—don’t let the tension build for months. Learn positive communication patterns to help you and your spouse resolve relationship problems together.
• Don’t nitpick every minor defect in your partner, merely because your friends are doing the same. You may start bad-mouthing your spouse to a divorcing friend, in large part, to make him or her feel better. But these words can worm their way deeper into your psyche, where they can fester. Don’t vent about your spouse to a third party without first communicating the issue to your spouse.
• Strengthen your defenses. If the flu was spreading rapidly in your social circle, you would take precautions to avoid getting sick. Do the same for your marriage. Consider taking a marriage or relationship education workshop. Or, take advantage of the many free online resources to build your relationship skills.
• Don’t delay getting treatment. If your marriage feels unhealthy, seek professional intervention—promptly. If you wait to see a marriage counselor until your marriage is almost comatose, recovery will be more challenging. However, very few marriages are truly terminal, with no other solution than to divorce. If a couple is dedicated to working on their problems, most issues can be resolved.
Healthy marriages rarely collapse merely because a couple is “exposed” to divorce. If divorce is spreading rapidly among your peers, chances are those marriages were already in a weakened state. Still, if you want your marriage to live a long and healthy life, take good care of it. Remember what is positive in your relationship … and deal thoroughly and thoughtfully with the issues that have potential to harm your marriage.
Divorce can be contagious in social networks, according to a study by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, Harvard University, and Brown University.
The effect is based on the theory of social contagion—the spread of emotion or behavior through a group. The impact of a couple’s divorce can also extend beyond their immediate social circle, influencing people with two degrees of separation or more.
Are you at risk of “infection”?
Was your mother right after all? Are some friends really a “bad influence”? Whether or not you consider divorce to be bad, the study suggests our peers’ behavior may very well impact our own, at least when it comes to divorce.
People with a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, according to the study. Even our siblings seem to exert influence over our marriages—people with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more like to get divorced.
The workplace can also be a breeding ground for divorce: A divorced co-worker can increase the probability of another employee divorcing by 55 percent.
Children seemed to offer some level of protection—couples with kids were less susceptible to “contagious” divorce.
According to the study, other people may act as “carriers” of the divorce bug. These individuals may not be personally vulnerable to divorce. However, by relaying details of a friend’s divorce to another person, he or she may unintentionally encourage that person to divorce.
Divorce is not an actual virus; you are not powerless against it. However, divorce in your social circles can weaken your marriage’s immune system, if you let it. But why?
What makes divorce “contagious”?
When a friend vents about problems in his/her marriage, you may become increasingly critical of your own relationship. Your friend may express feelings of release or freedom in the wake of the divorce, prompting you to crave the same. While divorce is already commonplace in our society, having someone in your circle of friends “pave the way” can make divorce seem more appealing.
Have you recently been “exposed” to divorce? Has the encounter left you feeling vulnerable in your own marriage? If so—and if you want to preserve your marriage—read on for tips on fighting off divorce.
Building immunity in your marriage
Don’t avoid your divorced friends for fear of “catching” divorce. However, if you like being married—and would like to stay that way—consider the following:
• Be mindful of how your peers’ actions and attitudes can affect your own. Don’t ignore legitimate issues in your relationship, but don’t inflate them either. Keep a level-headed perspective on your marital problems. When problems arise, deal promptly (and fairly) with the specific issues involved—don’t let the tension build for months. Learn positive communication patterns to help you and your spouse resolve relationship problems together.
• Don’t nitpick every minor defect in your partner, merely because your friends are doing the same. You may start bad-mouthing your spouse to a divorcing friend, in large part, to make him or her feel better. But these words can worm their way deeper into your psyche, where they can fester. Don’t vent about your spouse to a third party without first communicating the issue to your spouse.
• Strengthen your defenses. If the flu was spreading rapidly in your social circle, you would take precautions to avoid getting sick. Do the same for your marriage. Consider taking a marriage or relationship education workshop. Or, take advantage of the many free online resources to build your relationship skills.
• Don’t delay getting treatment. If your marriage feels unhealthy, seek professional intervention—promptly. If you wait to see a marriage counselor until your marriage is almost comatose, recovery will be more challenging. However, very few marriages are truly terminal, with no other solution than to divorce. If a couple is dedicated to working on their problems, most issues can be resolved.
Healthy marriages rarely collapse merely because a couple is “exposed” to divorce. If divorce is spreading rapidly among your peers, chances are those marriages were already in a weakened state. Still, if you want your marriage to live a long and healthy life, take good care of it. Remember what is positive in your relationship … and deal thoroughly and thoughtfully with the issues that have potential to harm your marriage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
